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Comments ( 15 )

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PhoKingAzn

PhoKingAzn #1 · Aug 7th, 2012 · · ·

oh boy!

8-bit Bacon

8-bit Bacon #2 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

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WAT?

Qussar

Qussar #3 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

I feel something is missing

Wilhelm

Wilhelm #4 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

I see.

HavelssVampir

HavelssVampir #5 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

This isn't bad necessarily but...what?

Bronystories

Bronystories #6 · Aug 8th, 2012 · · ·

"So he shot a load into Cadances mouth. There was plenty more where that came from.
Sure that you were sufficiently lubed, Cadance ate your “stallionhood” right up to the base."

You've got to watch for those changes from the second to third person.

The main issue I have with this story is that the clop scene itself goes by much to quickly. From when Cadance starts sucking his dick to the end of the chapter takes up a total of 164 words.

If this was meant to be a one hour speed clop challenge, then that allows for some leniency, but not a complete free pass. In a story with five characters, you've spent less than 33 words per character on the clop scene. And that's assuming the dialogue was evenly split. Celestia and Luna only got one shared sentence!

Your story has an interesting premise, I'd just like to see the characters fleshed out more. For example, why are the mares acting so slutty for Discord?

Keep writing! Just remember that the emotional state of the characters during sex is just as important as the descriptions of the act itself.