After the defeat of Discord, all ponies breathe a sigh of relief as the end of the age of chaos ends. The mane 6 have their normal lives restored, but fate has something in stored to bring adventure and action to their lives. It all starts with a arrival of a new pony who wants the live in Ponyville, but there are some strange occurrences that surround him. But before that, how will our new citizens live and survive in Ponyville?
Story Held On Hiatus Until I Finish my Other Two Better Stories.
(Title may be subject to change as I continue with the story.)
Chapters (2)
First chapter of my first Fanfic, hope you all will enjoy it
List of reactions along my read through:
"party cloudy skies" Is Surprise up there? >_<;
Huh. That's really the only mistake I saw. Good job.
There were some sentences where the words were a little... wonky, I should say, as they didn't quite seem to flow right.
I've never seen Rainbow Dash get knocked unconscious before. I hope she's not badly hurt.
This fic is definitely good for a first try, keep it up! Just keep getting better, and you'll find yourself with some valuable experience in the writing industry.
It seemed like Dash kinda... backed off a little quickly. She's not the type to get sheepish. Flustered? Maybe. Sheepish? No.
Give that "Hey, Y U build house here?" scene a bit more meat, and you'll be pretty well set.
All in all, 3.75/5
So, a 4 is yours.
if you do not own the name Blazing dawn at the end then why did you say MY character?
Super Big Mac if you read"Leap of Faith: Rainbow Vs. Wild" she and applejack get knocked unconscious ALOT especially toward the end when they are saved
fantastic
60488
I am open to editing this chapter, I just have to get around fixing some mistakes.
60573
For the lulz, I knew someone would notice a contradiction, I saw my character since I invented him but I really don't own him.
60578 Fiiiiiiine..... That's just one more fic that I'll have to add to my plate! *whining*
60848 I really mean that, though. I got 150 in tracking alone. 150!!! and that's after spending most of yesterday after school reading FiMFiction! I barely put a dent in that! (Well, actually I got about half of what I was tracking read, and some of the fics I didn't find as interesting as I had hoped were un-tracked.
I see a handful of sentences containing multiple subjects, especially in the first paragraph of the fic. It's making the scene you're trying to describe confusing.
You got some tense issues to sort out. Some areas are written in past tense, others are in present. Stick to present tense. Don't use semicolons. (Someone once said that semicolons are only used to tell the reader you went to college, and if that's the case then this is downright embarrassing)
Characters seem to be doing things for no obvious reason. Ex: Rainbow Dash telling your character he needs to 'leave the sky' until he talks to the mayor. Seems like there's a dumb law there.
So far...all I can say is Gary Stu. Your character is thin, meaning a general lack of muscle, and tall. How does that make him aerodynamic in flight, fast enough to match RD? Is he that strong or what?
AN: Be sure to SHOW, NOT TELL the story.
God it's late...meant stick to past tense...past tense tends to come more natural in fiction writing.
61136
This is my first ever proper story I tired to write, and I'm not the greatest in English grammar.
If someone was building a house in your property, or the property of your country, without permission would you just let them be or tell them to get off and get building rights. < Directed to the Rainbow Dash remark.
About aerodynamics, thin doesn't mean no muscles at all, I said wiry, which means that he is built with muscle but thin, also there is magic.
Although you prove some good point, I thought of the past tense issue and was too lazy to fix it, going to do so right now. Also about the Gary Stu thing, you'll see why later.
nice to see this finally updated :)
lol who passed out
75899
Read the chapters in order please.
I want...MOAR!
127922
I'm sorry, but this story won't get update until a long time =P
I'm working on my Dante's Divine Comedy Crossover.
I might get back to this story once ^ that one is finished.
134964 *waits*