• Member Since 8th May, 2016
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Star Blitz

Blitzin' your minds with epic tales and stories!

Star Blitz Joined 8th May, 2016 · Offline

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Comments ( 13 )
Starlight Nova
Starlight Nova #1 · Jul 22nd, 2018 · · 2 · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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Will this story have any sex scenes, implied or otherwise, where the woman does most or all of the work?

Snowfox_14
Snowfox_14 #2 · Jul 22nd, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9060824
i dont think that should matter for a fallout equestria story...?

Star Blitz
Star Blitz #3 · Jul 22nd, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9060824
I plan to have as little NSFW content as possible, so no detailed sex scenes >.>

Doomande
Doomande #4 · Jul 24th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9060824
You comment that same question on so many stories by now that it is beginnign to becoming creepy...

Chayn
Chayn #5 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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Oh boy, here we go again...

>Prolouge - And So It Begins

Prologue. *ping*Not a big mistake, but it kinda stares me right in the eye.

>The lone survivor of the would-be legendary Peacekeeper force awakes to find his Stable, A252 ransacked

Stable Dweller. Again. *ping* It's like more than half of fiction follow the same formula of protag being from a Stable. I wonder why...

>For a griffin she was certainly very… excitable.

That's racist. *ping* Seriously, though, we had Gabby at least.

>I relaxed, I even gave a cute little yawn. I

Cute? Well, I'd say it's the thing only outside observer could say rather than the creature doing the deed. Not a *ping*, just thinking out loud.

>I was unceremoniously jerked awake by a noise that startled me, a loud engine noise from a sky chariot.

You said "noise" two times in the same sentence. *silent ping*

>I almost shit myself, I jumped up off the bed about 10 inches and subsequently scrambled back against the bed rest.

Numbers in description. *ping*

>I felt quite taken aback at this sudden intrusion, and I felt vulnerable.

Sounds meek. Show, don't tell. *ping*

...you know what, this text is written well enough so I'm gonna stop with pings and take things more seriously.

>“What do you want with me?”

"Want to do" or "Want from me"?

>Hearing my name made me widen my eyes

Is that what called "passive voice"? If so, please cease and desist use it.If not, please continue.
From NyxOs: If I were to rephrase it, I would change it to: "The mention of my name widened my eyes" or something to that effect.
From Coffee: My eyes widened in surprise upon hearing my name

>He glared at me, hissing: “Your parents are working on a top secret Project, we need to know about it! And if you don't tell me, I will force it out of you.” I rolled my eyes, if it was top secret that meant they weren't meant to know about it. So maybe if they weren't meant to know, I wouldn't know. I wasn't involved with it, so why and how should I have known? Right…?

Err... maybe it's supposed to be like that?

He glared at me, hissing: “Your parents are working on a top secret Project, we need to know about it! And if you don't tell me, I will force it out of you.”

I rolled my eyes, if it was top secret that meant they weren't meant to know about it. So maybe if they weren't meant to know, I wouldn't know. I wasn't involved with it, so why and how should I have known? Right…?

Otherwise it looks a tad weird and make reader confused. I was confused because there are both sides of dialogue involved in one paragraph.

>Come on, and sorry about our striped friend too. He's mysterious.”

More like "unnerving" or "annoying" from their point of view.

>“Hey, I honestly don't know about anything you're talking about.

Err... what? "anything about you're talking about"? Eh.

>I decided to try and end this crazy onslaught of questions; “Hey, I honestly don't know about anything you're talking about. And you're speaking about twelve times too fast for me t-” He shoved the gun in my beak, daring me to try and make any other move. I decided it was shutting up time, and did so. He then continued, before there was a sharp krazzk! A streak of blue arcane energy grazed the unicorn’s cheek and he fell back, gasping. I saw my mother in the doorway an- Sweet Celestia, did she look badass with that Arcane rifle, I didn’t know she was this amazing! I kicked him in the face, flapping hard and backflipping onto the floor behind the chair I had been in. mum yelled as she charged at the Unicorn; “Get your gun, Red!” I sped up the stairs, into my room and to the closet. I wrenched the door open, but was grabbed from behind and tossed across the room.

This is a mess. You shouldn't go from dialogue to action in the smae paragraph, not that detailed action anyway. It's hard to read, really.

>A streak of blue arcane energy grazed the unicorn’s cheek and he fell back, gasping.

Why did he fell? It was a grazing hit, not enough to kill. Another thing, shooting while enemy hold friendly target next to him? It's a sniper job, otherwise it's kind dangerous.

>I kicked him in the face

Doesn't work that good with paws, really...

>I followed the earth pony in as the red unicorn followed behind, with his pistol.

Followed-followed.

>“Look little guy, I don’t wanna hurt’cha. But if you make it difficult, I’ll have to. It’s nothing personal, yeah? Ju- Oof!” I had recovered, and planted a double-paw kick on his undercarriage as I slid beneath him.

...I feel like you're trying to describe a pony. There would be a different dispersion of kinetic energy in case with paws and armor(they do have armor, right?) would consume it well. Then we have difference in height/weight and that sort of stuff.

>I covered his eyes with my arm and dug my talons into the side of his face, only enough to cause pain, not damage. He yelled, running out the door and slamming into the wall outside the bedroom.

How to put it... I'm not a tough guy IRL, but, the way you're describing the maneuver, I could tolerate that amount of pain easily. That doubles for the buck if he's a some sort of soldier.

>I clung on to him tightly, as I prepared my other talon

Uhh...

a claw, especially one belonging to a bird of prey.

Uh... so... he wanted to punch him with a talon... open hand style?

>a chair, fruit from the table, plates from the table, the table mat. The table.

Isn't there is supposed to be a comma in here instead of a dot?

>On cue, lances of red streaked across the room. The earth pony turned to red goo,

Lasers turn to ash, plasma turn to goo, green goo specifically. So... why?

>threw it away with a groan as I realised it wouldn't work unless the zebra was using it. Stupid enchantments

Hm... why not? Does it have some sort of lock or something?

>But then things changed. Shots rained through the windows from outside, dad quickly rushing to shelter mum from the storm of lead. The zebra and unicorn were hit, and died as a result. Whoever was outside clearly didn't care who or what they hit, as long as they hit something. They might as well have walked in and shot the zebra and unicorn in the first place, they didn't hit anyone else. Lousy aim.

Just recently I talked to my tyozka and we've been talking about guns in general. If you're using gunpowder weapons you don't even need to shoot precisely for the shot to have an effect. There is a thing called "suppressive fire" and, basically, if a shot lands withing 4 meter square subjects around are usually pinned. There is a funny story linked to is, an anecdote, but it doesn't matter now. Funny thing is that, somehow, older griffons weren't hit at all. How?
You know, if you're going for action movie style, which you do, disregard my pinned under fire question.

>The strike team from outside broke in through the windows and were met by automatic buckshot fire and lancing red and blue beams of arcane energy. One fell, the rest advanced and started to retaliate. They were all ponies, too, and that made me inquisitive. My parents worked for ponies, so who were these ponies and how did they get into MoA protected land?

Did you want to portray them as incompetent or is it just happened to be so? The usual tactic for such cases is to throw in grenade, flash, gas or frag, get in, kill or subdue targets, that's all. This operation doesn't look like it was planned by numbskulls, but plays out like it did.

>Then a shot rang out, loud and clear; my mother stumbled.
It didn't, unless there was a significant pause in the firefight, ears would ne ringing like hell anyway, especially with firing in closed quarters.

> tears suddenly in my eyes.

Maybe I'm biased, but "suddenly" is not the word you should use as an author. You could've safely write that particular sentence without it and be totally fine. So, why is it here?

>My father grabbed her, supporting her as he fought off the armoured ponies; he started taking more and more hits, but he fought on.

He's a still target and his enemies are armored. Pure kinetic energy from round would make him stumble, out of breath, with broken ribs, most likely, or limbs shot through in a hail of lead. But, then again, it is an action movie scene, so don'y you mind. I'm pointing it out just in case.

>There were only three of the ponies left, about to finish my mother off. Anger burst inside me, flames engulfing my heart, ice forming around my soul; I was going to kill them.

I wonder when he's telling the story, for he's such a poet for his age... that's a positive comment, but I find this bit, err... dissonating with the character a bit.

>“Red… No, K-Kazuhiro… I want you to know… We love you, and wi-”

Oriental name? Peculiar...

>I lay with her for about five minutes, crying and sobbing before I heard a voice calling, a raspy voice;
“Hello? Anypony here?” I let out a loud sob, it was all I could do. “He- Sweet Celestia… What happened…”

It's funny how help arrives too late, a movie cliche. If this facility was protected by MoA there are supposed to be security cameras and scheduled patrols. Tis a disgrace, not facility. I wonder why it happened as such, though...

>I killed those ponies, they were professional killers and I snuffed them out like they were mere embers of a fire under a great crashing wave of water.

a)Poetry.
b)They weren't. They were as lousy as raiders are.

>I later learnt from rumors, that parts of the tower were left unfinished and when the construction teams would return, those parts would be finished.

Finished-unfinished. Also, "learned".

>Stars’

Why the ' symbol?

> which was a 30 minute slow walk or a 10 minute fly away from the Tower.

Numbers.

> I commanded armies, lead virtual squads, fought armies single-clawedly? Single-pawedly? Anyway, you get the jist.

Armies-armies.

>Second, I was actually the only successful candidate for a Project called MAGMA which aimed to create artificial “horns” for all non-unicorns, or to grow organic ones via genetic alteration before birth.

Behold, The Chosen One! Really though, the only one. Out of so many, many, many people. Riiiight.

>A painful hour later I had a large cranial implant and a beautiful gunmetal grey FIN atop my head.

Riiiight, cause drilling hole in the head, putting thing in and checking all the wiring, connections and whatever takes only an hour. All of that without damaging the patient. With proper procedures. Eh... ugh... no? At least several?

>I grabbed her suddenly in a hug

Suddenly, again! Why?!

>Shadow Stalker - Your Shadowbolt training has taught you well, in addition to the advanced military training, you now know how to sneak effectively giving you a 20% chance to blend in and go completely unnoticed by all hostiles.

So, just a +20 to Sneak?

All right, now for pros and cons...
Pros: This is well written in terms of quality of text, no questions, got a nice setup, too.
Cons: Protag(yes, I don't like supersoldiers much as a concept, especially orphans Chosen Ones, and this is that guy in a nutshell), the whole action movie vibe when it goes especially true for trained killers to be mooks that die instantly(it's a bit overdone in that particular case.), Stable Dweller(oh boy... seen enough), and, of course, the whole Horizons stuff(it's just my personal bias, so ignore that. While I enjoy some bits of lore by Somber, sometimes it reached ridiculous proportions, I prefer things a bit less anime-esque).

Overall: It's solid! I mean, prologue is good. I'm not fond of flowery descriptions, and text goes that way sometimes, but it's not that much of a problem. Despite points outlined above, I'd say you, the one who have read my comment, should give it a go.

krdragon
krdragon #6 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9061592

I plan to have as little NSFW content as possible, so no detailed sex scenes >.>

If that is true you should remove the tag from the story. The tags are for prominent features in the story.

Star Blitz
Star Blitz #7 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9068098
There will be parts that are NSFW, so I'm leaving it there for safety.

Chayn
Chayn #8 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9068110
Isn't FoE usually NSFW by definition?

Chayn
Chayn #10 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9068135
*rubs his chin* And if we disregard the technicality?

Star Blitz
Star Blitz #12 · Jul 25th, 2018 · · · Prologue - And So It Begins ·
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9067779

Prologue. *ping*Not a big mistake, but it kinda stares me right in the eye.

How do I not see these things...

Stable Dweller. Again. *ping* It's like more than half of fiction follow the same formula of protag being from a Stable. I wonder why...

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That's racist. *ping* Seriously, though, we had Gabby at least.

Eh, I'm only worried if a griffon busts in my bedroom window and murders me. Based on the fact that most griffons were "grumpy old gits"

Cute? Well, I'd say it's the thing only outside observer could say rather than the creature doing the deed. Not a *ping*, just thinking out loud.

Right, I thought it might have been a subject of question, but ignored it while writing.

Sounds meek. Show, don't tell. *ping*

...you know what, this text is written well enough so I'm gonna stop with pings and take things more seriously.

Show, don't tell. Right, I'll keep it in mind.

Is that what called "passive voice"? If so, please cease and desist use it.If not, please continue.
From NyxOs: If I were to rephrase it, I would change it to: "The mention of my name widened my eyes" or something to that effect.
From Coffee: My eyes widened in surprise upon hearing my name

Right, will look at that.

This is a mess. You shouldn't go from dialogue to action in the smae paragraph, not that detailed action anyway. It's hard to read, really.

Will fragment and improve.

Why did he fell? It was a grazing hit, not enough to kill. Another thing, shooting while enemy hold friendly target next to him? It's a sniper job, otherwise it's kind dangerous.

Meant "fell" as in the stumble back falling, but will clarify in revision.

...I feel like you're trying to describe a pony. There would be a different dispersion of kinetic energy in case with paws and armor(they do have armor, right?) would consume it well. Then we have difference in height/weight and that sort of stuff.

First squad didn't have armour, might change situation, might not.

How to put it... I'm not a tough guy IRL, but, the way you're describing the maneuver, I could tolerate that amount of pain easily. That doubles for the buck if he's a some sort of soldier.

Well, in the eyes it is!

Uh... so... he wanted to punch him with a talon... open hand style?

I meant punch with a fist, not a single talon. Still working with terminology!

Lasers turn to ash, plasma turn to goo, green goo specifically. So... why?

Will fix.

Hm... why not? Does it have some sort of lock or something?

I do believe from reading Horizons that a Zebra Stealth cloak is enchanted to either only work for zebras or one specific zebra.

Just recently I talked to my tyozka and we've been talking about guns in general. If you're using gunpowder weapons you don't even need to shoot precisely for the shot to have an effect. There is a thing called "suppressive fire" and, basically, if a shot lands withing 4 meter square subjects around are usually pinned. There is a funny story linked to is, an anecdote, but it doesn't matter now. Funny thing is that, somehow, older griffons weren't hit at all. How?
You know, if you're going for action movie style, which you do, disregard my pinned under fire question.

Action movie all the way ;)

Did you want to portray them as incompetent or is it just happened to be so? The usual tactic for such cases is to throw in grenade, flash, gas or frag, get in, kill or subdue targets, that's all. This operation doesn't look like it was planned by numbskulls, but plays out like it did.

Will fix the fight, I thought myself it was a bit short and unprofessional.

Maybe I'm biased, but "suddenly" is not the word you should use as an author. You could've safely write that particular sentence without it and be totally fine. So, why is it here?

I seem to have a weakness for words like "suddenly" and "absolutely" lmao

He's a still target and his enemies are armored. Pure kinetic energy from round would make him stumble, out of breath, with broken ribs, most likely, or limbs shot through in a hail of lead. But, then again, it is an action movie scene, so don'y you mind. I'm pointing it out just in case.

He's wearing power armour, so it should protect him a little more from bullets, no?

I wonder when he's telling the story, for he's such a poet for his age... that's a positive comment, but I find this bit, err... dissonating with the character a bit.

He's writing this when he's older, of course, but I see the source of concern.

It's funny how help arrives too late, a movie cliche. If this facility was protected by MoA there are supposed to be security cameras and scheduled patrols. Tis a disgrace, not facility. I wonder why it happened as such, though...

I won't disclose it, because spoilers! ;)

[Edit: Finished it! Onto editing the prologue.]

Thanks for the criticism, it's a great help!

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