For many years, the Agency has protected the citizens of Equestria from the horrors of the night. Trainees would police the nation, while those with more experience would guard the perimeter against a numerous, secret foe. Unfortunately, there's only so many to go around. A small party breaks past the lines, slinking unauthorized into Equestria.
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A wonderful start of what is going to be a great story. I hope to see more soon!
8956110
And an excellent comment from somepony other than my editor, thank you!
... I look forward to continuing to produce content worthy of such.
I was hoping that you'd leave the characters a BIT more subtle, but you named one of the protagonists in the first chapter! Blasphemy!
Sure, I'd figured out who the filly was, but still.
About the first part of the chapter -- I am guessing that was Bons talking to the instructor? Or was it Lyra again, in disguise?
I can't quite tell the timeline on this one. I am guessing it'll be addressed in future, but it is something to "note". Snicker.
Also, did you steal my name? I know I haven't gotten past four chapters of mine, and I need to really redo my timeline (if I ever even continue it), but that was my name! :D
This sounds like a really fun story, but please don't forget the others (Search, your collab, and Fire are really good, and make me want updates)!
8956684
Named one of the protagonists... You referring to Twi or Agent Golden Notes?
I have this chapter laid out in a possibly confusing manner, yes. The first and the last sections tell the story of the past; all the rest (including half of the last section) tell of what's happening at about the same time. I have the first section being told as the instructor telling the story; the last one, it's told as Agent Golden Notes' nightmare.
I rather suspect you've got your identities a little mixed up here. Say, who is Golden Notes actually? Who is likely to be in training right now, given story information?
Your name? NOPE!
Your name was Alicori. All-i-COR-ie. Mine is Alcari. All-CAR-ie. Your name was for a friend. Mine is for an enemy.
... I originally spelled mine with a T, but the C sounds better.
Seems really interesting so far, looking forward to the next chapter. I always love Bolo stories.
8956972
I don't know who is in training. For that matter, I am not certain who Notes is, since she both makes candy AND plays the lyre.
I am assuming the one in training is the other one, however.
And it is TOO my name. There's enough similarity that I am sure my lawyers can prove it! :D
I'll have to steal one of yours now. :P
8958475
Those should tell you exactly who is who.
8958551
So, it should be Lyra, then, right? But she owns the candy shop, and I thought that was Bon Bon, for obvious reasons. Or is it actually talking about two different people, and there's no obvious POV change?
8958651
The POV has not changed on those two. This is Golden Notes referring to Bonbon as another mare.
Referring to how she sent Bonbon in the Agency’s direction.
... Seriously. I know I’m getting good at subtle, but I thought this one was clear. Failing all else, the story tags also carry an answer!
Come to think of it, it’s struck my mind that said subtle is ... not something you do very well. Sorry, but it’s true; every time I hide clues, even clear ones like the lyre (How many other mares do you know with one of those?) or the name (was used for one of Lyra’s alibis in Secret Search), you miss ‘em reliably. Perhaps we could convert your story into a collab work, rather than the current writer/editor setup? If anything, I can probably get it to read a lot smoother.
8959002
That might be wise. I am just not clear on how I want it to go, yet, so there's that. But I do need a lot of subtle.
I'm a bit snowed in with schoolwork atm, though.
8959405
Eh, no prob. You’ve got all that wonderful outline XD I’ll have to see what I can’t do to it.
8959436
Oh dear. There's a lot I have modified and have not written down yet!
No touchy!
8959546
Ahh. Lemme know when ready, then.
I am loving this story, as I do most of your works!!
Keep up the awesome work!!
Bit of a long time-skip there. I do want to know what the Agency or whatever has been doing in this time, but Twilight's training and battle repertoire is top-notch. Bolos are awesome.
Side note: I rewrote the first "three" chapters of mine and a lot of the background.
8969908
Actually, it’s the same timeskip as the last chapter, just broken up a little more. Golden Notes did mention Twi would be a young adult by now- and the only reason she’s not is because of those stasis pods. (Too bad food is important).
8969968
Ah, okay. I was thinking this would put it somewhat past the whole thing from last chapter, even if this started at the same time.
Aw, you left off right before the reveal!