What Hath Pie Wrought

The yellow, blue, and pink magic beams streaked across the sky like a laser show at a Countess Coloratura concert. Derpy watched the colors flash across the backdrop of a burgundy sky. It was actually quite beautiful. If only the cause of the light show was something less sinister. Derpy didn't know what had caused Celestia, Luna, and Cadence to start fighting each other like this, but whatever it was had taken its toll on the world around it. Sun and moon sat half submerged on opposite sides of the horizon. They had been moored there for days like ships left to rust in a slowly desiccating sea. The silhouette of Canterlot was bathed in a soft orange glow as fires still burning from the beginning of the alicorns’ battle before it had widened to the skies.

This is how it had been for three weeks now. Twilight's efforts to intervene in the other three alicorns' squabbles had all been for naught. She had returned a few days ago empty hooved. Whatever had come over the other Princesses, they would not be reasoned with.

Derpy watched the chaotic light bursts for a few minutes before a white light flashed in the corner of her eye. She turned to look toward where the flash was and saw Discord walking up toward her. Her stood next to her and gazed out at the colorful display of the three alicorns duking it out.

He sighed wistfully. "Isn't it simply amazing? It is simply a wonder how the smallest things can bring about such beautiful chaos on such a large scale. To think, all this began with one little humble pie."

Derpy looked up at the draconequus confused. "All this began… over a pie?"

"Yes. Just a single pie. “One Spike and Big Mac told me to spruce up for Hearts and Hooves Day. They had the card inside, it was pretty sappy, all that saccharine romantic nonsense,” Discord stuck his tongue. “Anyway, Big Mac's message was a little too blase, so I changed it a bit. Here, take a look."

Discord snapped his talons and a greeting card appeared. Derpy took the card. It was still sticky with pie filling in some places as she held it in her hooves. She opened it. She stared at the words in the middle, her eyes wide.

The writing was all curly and fancy in an embossed bright pink. For all that fancy script though, there were only three words: To The Fairest. "Short and to the point. It's amazing what you can do in so few words," Discord said as he made a sweeping gesture.

Derpy closed the card and something registered in her brain. The pie. The pie that Big Mac sent on Hearts and Hooves Day. She remembered Big Mac sending a package with her first thing in the morning that day. How could she forget it. The package was pleasantly warm in her hooves, and the smell of crisp apples had made her want apple muffins after that. She never did get those muffins. By the time she got to Sugarcube Corner after her shift they were all out.

But if that was the same pie, that still raised a question. "Wait... but how did the pie get to Celestia, Luna, and Cadence?" Derpy muttered to herself.

Discord raised an eyebrow. "Yes, that is the question, isn’t it, it was supposed to just go to Sugar Belle." He said slowly, stroking his chin. "Maybe they never ate the pie and one of the Princesses bought it from Sugar Belle's bakery the next morning.”

Derpy started to ponder the explanation, but Discord continued. For a moment, he sounded genuinely worried. "I just don’t know what went wrong. It was never supposed to cause hatred, that’s not my department anymore. Besides, apathy can create so much more of a reaction than hate.” Derpy kept listening. Discord relished the attention. With Ponyville in disaster alert mode the past weeks, he hadn’t been able to tell anyone what the whole purpose of his plan had been. “And it certainly wasn’t supposed to still be having its effect now. It was only meant to last a few hours, then it should have worn off." Discord shrugged. “Oh well, what's done is done. Anyway, I'm off to find a better seat for this show." Discord snapped his fingers and a bag of popcorn and opera glasses appeared in front of him. He walked off.

Derpy sat wracking her brain. Somehow all of this had ended up being her fault... by doing something right. And now, now there was no way to fix it. It's not like she could go back in time or anything.

Wait a second. Go back in time. She totally could do that.

Derpy ran through Ponyville. The streets were devoid of ponies. Most had taken refuge in their houses in the hopes that the battle between the Princesses would end. She wound her way around empty carts and boarded up shops to the home of a good friend of hers. Derpy knocked the door with a hoof. “Hey Doc, open up!”

A muffled shout came from somewhere below. A few seconds later, the door opened a crack. “What! What is- oh hello Derpy.” The door flew open. His initial anger broke into a grin before settling into concern. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home where it’s safe?”

“I was watching the fight and I realized what caused all this. It’s all my fault Doc!” She yelled.

“What?” He looked around, seeing if anypony had heard before motioning her inside. Once they were safely in the entry hall, he closed the door. “How is any of this your fault?”

Derpy explained her brief conversation with Discord. “So you see, I just need to go back in time and-”

The stallion stopped her. “No. First of all, even if what Discord told you is right, that makes it Discord’s fault, not yours. Second, no time travel.”

“I, I still feel responsible though. And we can fix this! I only need to make one trip back to a couple weeks ago. Please Time Turner.” Derpy was already headed down the stairs into his basement. All the sciency stuff Time Turner kept was down there, so any time machine he had was bound to be with it..

She felt a tug as Time Turner grabbed her tail in his teeth. Derpy sat her butt on the top step and turned to face him. He shook his head. “No. I’m done with time travel, it’s way too dangerous. You say you need “only” one trip, but one trip is all it takes. Do you remember the one poem? About the missing horseshoe nail?”

“Uh, yeah? Of course I do.”

“That was me. One stupid nail. I needed it to fix the time machine and the next thing you know, poof, Constallionople has fallen to the griffons. I don’t play with anything outside a closed timelike curve anymore, too much causality risk.”

“But I have to go back! It’s not fiddling around with trying to find a way to stop this. I know exactly what went wrong.” Derpy paused. “Or, what went right I guess.”

Time Turner looked into Derpy’s pleading eyes, and his own softened. “You’re still changing the past, and I cannot allow myself to risk being involved anymore.” Time Turner put a hoof on Derpy’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Derpy.”

Derpy hung her head. She had to find a way to go back, to stop everything. If Time Turner wouldn’t help her, there had to be another way.

She shoved her way past Time Turner and left the house. She started running who knew where, but stopped when she reached a wide street to collect her thoughts. She looked down it to see the flashes of light still raging across the twilight sky. There had to be something she could do.

Maybe there was. Time Turner wasn’t the only one in Ponyville who had access to time travel. She started running down the wide cross street, muttering to herself between breaths. “I have to get to Twilight’s castle. It may be the only way.”

The castle was dark in the gloomy perpetual evening. Derpy burst through the front door. Spike and Starlight glanced up with a start. "Where's Twilight, I have an idea on how to fix this!"

Spike shook his head. "Twilight ran to Canterlot to try and do some research there. What do you mean by ‘this’?”

Derpy reared and waved her hooves frantically. “Everything, just… all of this!”

Starlight cut in. "Why, what's happening, what have you got?"

"I did this."

Spike and Starlight responded in unison. "Wait, what?" Starlight started taking cautious steps toward Derpy. "How did you do this?"

Derpy looked around. "I'll explain on the way. Right now, I need to get to the map and get a time travel spell ready. Quick!"

Starlight stopped for a moment and exchanged glances with Spike. Whatever this was, Derpy was determined. Starlight nodded firmly and ran off to retrieve the time travel scroll. Spike ran through the halls, leading Derpy to the map room. A few minutes later, Starlight trotted in levitating the rolled up scroll.

"Okay, I've got it. Now explain."

Derpy turned to Spike. "Spike, do you remember the pie you, Big Mac, and Discord made on Hearts and Hooves Day?" Spike nodded. "Discord did something to it. I processed it and mailed it to Sugar Belle. Somehow it ended up in Canterlot in the Princesses' hooves, and it started all this fighting."

Spike growled, letting a jet of steam out of his nose. "I knew Discord did something to that pie."

Starlight waved the scroll over to Derpy unfurling it. "And you can fix this by..."

"It was my fault the pie got delivered. If I can change the mailing address as I process it, it won't get delivered to Sugar Belle and will never reach the Princesses."

Derpy took the scroll from Starlight's aura. She held it gingerly, careful not to rip the taped up section any more. "Ok, so when do you want to go back to?"

Derpy thought for a moment. "Dawn that morning should give me enough time." Starlight nodded. Her horn lit up and then there was a light blue flash. It faded to white after a few seconds. Derpy felt herself being pulled upward.

Derpy closed her eyes until the blinding light faded. Instinctively, since her hooves were no longer touching the ground, she was flapping her wings. Derpy opened her eyes. She was still in Twilight's castle hovering above the map table. Derpy looked around as her eyes adjusted. It was about the same level of light as before. Starlight and Spike were gone. Did the time travel spell work?

She wandered through the halls of the castle back toward the door. The front door creaked when she pushed on it. The sky was largely still. Derpy sighed with relief. The moon was slowly sliding down below the horizon. At least Luna was doing her job, and the sun should be coming up any time soon. Plenty of time before Derpy had to be at work.

She trotted across Ponyville to her house. Derpy found her hide-a-key and snuck into her house. Derpy smiled at how clean everything was. It had only been a few weeks, but with the impending apocalypse, tidiness had taken a backseat to preparedness and survival. Derpy tiptoed into the bedroom. She smiled at her past self fast asleep in the bed. She lightly flapped her wings just enough to stay aloft so she didn't make a noise. The Derpy in bed flicked an ear and pulled the covers over her head at the slight breeze from her wings. Derpy pressed the button shutting off her alarm, and slowly flew back out of the room.

She crept downstairs, stopping at the doorway to the kitchen. Her stomach rumbled. She looked from the front door to the fridge. "Well, I'm already creating a missing pie. A missing muffin isn't going to change much more." She opened the fridge and took a blueberry muffin out of the fridge. "Just a little snack on my way to work." She took a bite and trotted out the door.

Two hours later, Derpy was at the post office front desk. They had just opened for the day, and right on schedule Big Mac walked in. No, he didn't walk in. He bounced in.

Big Mac set the package down on the counter. Derpy nodded, and grinned as he reared and let out a whinny. Hearts and Hooves Day really brought out the best in ponies.

Big Mac pronked out of the post office. Derpy looked down at the package. The address label was in blue ink with a picture of sugar cubes and a bell. Derpy chuckled to herself. "Oh, this should be easy." She took the muffin out of her pocket. Blueberry, excellent. She took a huge bite of the muffin and blueberry juice squirted onto her hoof. She smeared the blue juice on the address label, which combined with the blue ink to create an illegible smudge on the cubes of sugar.

Derpy placed the package in the cubby behind her. It was immediately picked up by a mare in the sorting room. She watched for a moment as the package was placed on a conveyor belt. She glanced down at her hoof. A blue stain was still on it. Derpy chanced a thought of licking her hoof to clean it. It might be blueberry juice! She remembered it could also be ink and decided it would be better not to. She shrugged and wiped the stain on the white collar of her uniform. As the package was loaded onto the mail cart by the pegasi in the sorting room, Derpy allowed herself a satisfied smirk. A job well done.

Discord walked with Spike through Ponyville. Suddenly, Discord felt a cold shiver ripple through his entire body. Discord stopped in his tracks as Spike kept going. He grunted, “Whoa.”

“What?” Spike stopped and looked back at Discord.

“I just felt something, like a ripple in the fabric of space-time.” Discord shrugged. “Probably nothing.” They kept walking. Discord clasped his hands behind him. A mail cart sped by them, stuffed with packages. Discord caught a glimpse of one package on top of the pile through the rear window of the delivery cart. He sighed and snapped his talons. The package flashed, dispelling whatever magic the pie was imbued with. Discord grumbled low so Spike couldn’t hear him. “Oh, that’s what that was. Drat, that was going to be fun. Oh well.” Discord pulled out a bottle and some tweezers. “I suppose this will have to do.”

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