Dovah's New Life

Dovah has gotten tired of Skyrim, where the possibility of sudden death is around every corner. Hopefully, Equestria will be somewhat peaceful. And hopefully they don't stare at his wings.

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Comments ( 5 )

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OBSIDI4N_DR4G0N

OBSIDI4N_DR4G0N #1 · Jun 2nd, 2018 · · ·

Story has potential. My advice, flesh it out, give more details, more realism, more character. Everyone that isn't Dovah sound too much alike. Get a good flow going, there is to much jumping around. To give an analogy you are skipping a rock across the water instead of going with the flow.
In a forest? describe that forest, tell us how it looks like, how it smells how it feels. Timberwolves? Give us more than a hey and bye. Give us that dramatic introduction, the dramatic action. The character's thought process in combat the flow of movement, the tension. Fillies that I assume were the CMC? another hi and bye that could have been more. Instead we got "ahhhhh!", a pause then" ahhhh!" again and then "oh hey, a dragon... boom you're mortal for a few hours go sit in timeout.".. This alone could have been 2 - 3 chapters about 2.5 - 4 thousand words each.
In Ponyville? Hi, lets ignore Pinkie Pie and go to work immediately with no story/plot, character or dynamic. Just "Hello" and awkward silence interrupted with a flying tree and "I use to eat people" - the end
You also have no real sense of time here. From what it sounds like, he's been there for 2 days, yet we can't say for sure.

I have more to say but am pressed for time, but I'll come back and finish when I can.
Regardless, there is potential here. Good luck and have fun

Bronze Inkwell