• Member Since 6th May, 2015
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Spettro138


I always bring a sword to a gun fight...If its in close quarters

T

The Daedric Prince of Madness is a man of unknowable motives. There is no way of knowing why he does what he does, but when he goes to check up on his old Brother in Madness Discord, he is unpleased to find a completely peaceful land devoid of any chaos. The first thing he takes his frustrations out on are the Royal Sisters. So when they are transported to a country at war, and at opposite ends of the province, they must quickly learn to survive without each other, and find the mighty hero of the land and each other, if they are to ever to fufill the prophecy of the land, make it home, and end the madness of the Daedra.

(This is going to take place after Season 3 and before Season 4)

(The Dragonborn in this is going to be based on the default Nord look to make the story flow a little better. His personality will be somewhat reminiscent of Star-Lord's from Guardians of the Galaxy: Just a bit silly in his free time, but serious and stoic when the situation calls for it.)

(To all those wondering, don't worry, the Death tag is only there cause naturally, Skyrim is a place where you can almost use literally anything to kill someone and almost anything can kill you. And the Sex tag is only there for occasional IMPLIED sexual stuff, and a little romance, nothing too overblown) meaning: it has a PG-13 Rating. So nothing is actually described in explicit detail


(And because of his help on this, Mr. Aquino is going to join with me to bring a certain Merc with A Mouth into the story at one point in the future for a triple crossover that will last for a few chapters. PREPARE FOR NONSENSICAL FUN!)

(And just as any author on this site will tell you, be gentle with me, this is my first fic, so there's no guarantee that it will exactly be perfect.)

Chapters (18)
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Comments ( 232 )

8816095
No, no, just an attempt at a cliffhanger before I start the next chapter. I have to create some sort of danger and conflict for Celestia and Luna after all.

8816114
I was implying celestia would kick their asses with righteous fury

I like the premise. You did sheo pretty well, Celestia is pretty good as well, though I think Luna is a little behind where she would be at this point, but I can't exactly remember for sure. Pretty good so far.

Luna’s blueeyes were fixed

Missed a space here.

The coverart made me think of Meridia and Nocturne and also reminded me of a fic where the Royal Pony Sisters are cousins to the Daedra, especially to Azura.

8824631
I'm not entirely sure about which fic you are referring to, but I actually plan on involving the Daedra at one point. The good ones specifically like Azura, Nocturne, Meridia, and Peryite.

A couple typos I spotted (and/or things that could be improved)

roar.

/-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------/

Back i

You should switch this out with a page break. Like this


Makes it so that it's uniform regardless of what anyone is viewing this on. It leaked into the next line for me. Or you could use a smaller one and center allign it.

Spike moved out of her way to allow her to pass and follow Twilight into the Library’s main room. A few minutes later, they were in the main room ...

I think you mean moments instead of minutes. Doesn't make sense for it to take more than a minute to go from her room to somewhere that close, even if she was tired.

“At once your highness. ALL RIGHT COLTS, MOVE OUT!” he bellowed before flying off towards the city.

You should switch All Right with alright, all right sounds like he's adressing the little colts to the right of him.

“The bunch of sissies probably got scared off!” Spike growled. They are supposed to be the protectors of the princesses!”

Missing a quote before They.

“How delightful, new guests. I hope you can entertain me better than those sorry lumps of royalty did.” the creature replied.

You should add another page break after this line. It's best to keep a consistent format when you're shifting perspectives to someone new in a different place

I enjoyed this chapter. It's pretty good, if a bit off with the characterization and dialogue/word choices. Still pretty enjoyable. I do like that you showed what happened with the mane six while the sisters were doing what they were doing, though I feel like the timing was a little off in continuity between celestia sending the message to twilight showing up and twilight recieving the message, getting everything ready, then teleporting to canterlot. I think the only was to explain that is they were blacked out for a while before Tia heard twilight, or her persceeption of time was skewed by the beating.

Otherwise, nice chapter. I look forward to seeing how the sisters handle the harsh cold of skyrim.

8824662
How do I do the page break thing? And now that you point it out, I'll try to add a bit more to the prologue to better explain the time gap

8824654 Why is Peryite a “good” Daedra? His sphere of influence is disease and I’m pretty sure no one wants to get sick. Also, do you think Malacath is a “good” Daedra?

8824675
Oh yeah, that's right. Nevermind on him then. The other actually evil Daedra including Molag Baal I'm going to try to turn into minor villains in certain parts of the story. And Malacath while evil only technically, is like a Klingon from Star Trek or a Krogan from Mass Effect. He craves battle and he seems to respect those with backbone and strength. So I'm going to involve him into Celestia's story arc.

8824730 Alright and I also like your Dragonborn. It’s not everyday I get to read one that IS somewhat of a manchild.

Looks good so far, I'm enjoyinng the parts in skyrim a lot. Here's some more things I found

The guards seeing Luna began to murmur at her presence unsure her.

Not quite sure what you mean here. "Murmur at her presence, unsure of her" perhaps?

The Jarl nodded once and turned to Proventus who Twilight had figured to be his steward.

Is twilight here now? I think you mean luna.

addition to our daily life.”

/----------------------/

Meanwhile, in a dark

Like on the last chapter, I reccomend keeping the transition "icon" thing consistent when changing perspectives to somewhere else. I do think that the first transition in this chapter was fine though, since it was doing something different and sticking with the same character.

I really like where this is going. I'll keep pointing out stuff I spot like this when I find the time. Good job so far!

Oh! I'm so visualising the dragonborn [insert playername here] as chris pratt, because you likened the personalities. I wonder how well that will turn out.

8824752
Don't worry, he's going to debut in the next chapter.

8824671
The page break is the little line in the menu bar in fimfiction.


The text code for it is hr in square brackets.
Do try not to explain the time gap directly though, it makes it look like a bandaid or a bit of spackle that filled a hole on a blue painted wall. Unless you do it right, but that's pretty hard to do by directly explaining it. Maybe having sheogorath mess with them some more?

8824776
Thanks, that does make the story look a bit more organized

Is she going to wake up in bleak barrow falls?
Oh Markarath or or!.. Falkreath? Or a Dwarven ruin? Orc village? SKY HAVEN TEMPLE??


Sooo many places to pick from!:raritystarry:




i have no life....

8824999
I have something a little more low key, but also threatening in mind for Celestia to wake up in. Don't worry, I have something interesting planned:rainbowdetermined2:

Aw, don't say you have no life, :pinkiesad2: It's completely natural to gush over stuff you enjoy like this. :twilightsmile:

8824776
I added a little bit of Sheogorath screwing with Celestia and Luna to stretch out the time. Reread the prologue and tell me what you think.

"Then let us find out whom it was that did this the old fashioned way sister, I do not appreciate when somepony waltzes into our home and mess with our MA GIC! " Luna screamed as she stepped into the hallway and slipped on something slick which caused her to slide across the floor and smash into a wall.

Mess should be messes, and the space in magic is probably just a typo.

"We are alive, but I fear we, "had our wind knocked out of us" as the commoners say" Luna weezed out as she was laying on the floor. "What in mother's name did I slip in?"

The quote she used should have 'the' instead of 'our' in the case of her quoting something, unless you're going for her trying to adapt it to her Iambic Pentameter (in which case, it would probably be fine. But the full quotes " should be the half quotes ' because if you leave it with the full quotes, it looks like she just stopped speaking in the middle of the line.

"Breathe deeply" she said.

Missing a period/exclamation mark here and in a few lines around there.

It took a minute, but they

The line just ends there?

She leaned over bit off some

There should be an and after over.

have ever seen in their long lives and wearing the strangest clothes that they have ever seen in their long lives

Have ever seen in their long lives is redundant here. The first one fits better than the second one, try finding some different way to explain it.

most miss matched clothes

mismatched can be one word.

They easily dodged the book, but realizing it was a distraction, they turned back to Sheogorath to watch him snapping his fingers in a similar manner to another chaos spirit. Their eyes turned white and grew brighter and brighter before a field of swirling aura blew around them in a storm of energy. Before losing consciousness, Luna could have sworn she heard the voice of a familiar violet alicorn very dear to her calling out her name directly behind her.

"In a manner to another chaos spirit" makes it sound like we don't know who it is. Try "similar manner to their own spirit of chaos." It makes it feel more personal to the character.
"Before a field... Before loosing consciousness" The two befores here being so close together make it sound repetitive. What about "Just as Luna was loosing consciousness..."
I think I liked the last paragraph better with us actually seeing/hearing twilight call out to celestia like the previous version. It gives a better "show don't tell" kind of thing.

Overall, I think this newer version does a better job of padding out time without too much in the way of them just waiting around and you filling up words to make it take longer to read, so pretty good on that front.
As for the things sheo did, well, I guess it works? I don't know what kind of chaos sheo would really bring (I haven't played the shimmering aisles expansion or whatever they called it) so I can't say that it isn't something he would do, but it feels more like Discord in a bad mood and his cereal just decided to burn itself. Not really a prince of madness thing. Either A it's what you were going for, or B, Sheo is just breaking it in really gently. I don't really know how it could be improved, so I can't help much in that regard.

What do you use to write this? I don't reccomend writing it directly in fimfiction, as it could end up not saving or something else.
I reccomend you save different itterations of the same chapter to different files so, in case you need to, you can look back at what you did before so you can easily change something back or see what not to do. (I'm not a professional writer, so I don't know if they actually do this, but it's usually a good thing to iterate.)
I hope I've been able to help with this! I'd like to suggest you find a pre-reader that can help out with spelling/grammar/other stuff like that, but don't worry too hard if you don't have one, it's just a good help to have different eyes on the same thing.
(Trying to give good writing advice when I'm not a writer, jeeze, who do I think I am?)
I hope to see what the next chapter will bring.

8824675
actually, i see Peryite as one of the truly neutral Daedra. his sphere of influence is disease and disease doesn't care if you are smart, dumb, good, or evil, it simply does what it does.

So humanized? If so why that cover art and the anthro tag? All just misleading.

8827235
I did make them anthro. I mentioned that they kept their coats of fur and their head structures but their bodies changed.

8828066

Except for the fact that they were identical to the ones that belonged to Sheogorath, without fur and quite slender. She tried to move where she believed her foreleg would be, but found instead to her dismay that the hand had steadily moved off the ground instead, but only fall back to the ground a few seconds later. She then tried to roll over on to her stomach, but felt a stream of pain go up her spine preventing her from doing so. Starting to panic, her heart began to beat rapidly completely forgetting every other horrible sensation she was feeling at first. When she was able to turn her head to get a good look at herself, she found herself scared and confused. She no longer had a coat of fur on her body. She came to the horrifying realization that she was no longer a pony. She was something different and unknown.

All of that says otherwise.

8828094
Don't worry I'll work out some of the details.

Whoever the Dragonborn is, he must have either hit himself in the head or underwent a traumatic experience... like being mindraped by Hermaeus Mora.

8856391
I get the distinct impression the Dragonborn is being written as if controlled by a player that doesn’t get into their role, and goofs off. They certainly seem scatterbrained enough.

8856384
That will come in a bit here and there. Nothing too overblown though. Just a bit of implied sexual stuff and the occasional nudity

8856429 Most of the Dragonborns I’ve read in Skyrim crossovers are mature to varying degrees or another, so this is a welcome change.

"Oh hey, its that White city again. Almost forgot I needed to come back here. I think I was supposed to do something important here? Something I was supposed to say to the....Jarl I think it was? Something about a matter of life and death? I also think I left that blue horsey lady here too? Ooh lookie! mudcrabs!"

1st time Skyrim players in a nutshell.

Despite the man’s... numerous eccentricities

...We all think to this... really, just one thing is possible... The dragonborn have to take a bucket and put it on the head of the yarl ! It's tradition !

8888692
Yeah, that's what I'm going for anyway. I wanted to make them anthropomorphic to fit with the unique races of Tamriel

MJ

YES!!! Nice to see a new chapter up! Also, AWESOME!!!

A neat balance between the ridiculousness of the Dragonborn (and the player) while also being a badass

MJ

8970412
You're very welcome. The only problem I can see thus far is that Luna seems really underpowered. She could have just grabbed the moon in her magic and smashed the dragon into a red stain on the ground.

Oh. My. Gosh I was just reading about one of my favorite games on wiki when I go to check here ya know what I find this! That's won hell of a coincidence.

Twilight could only pray that the Iron warrior was doing alright.

uuh... wat? :applejackconfused:

9008649
Sorry, I'm doing a few edits. My mind was also on another story I was working on

MJ

9011379
WHAT edits? You STILL made it so Luna flung dinky old daggers at a freaking dragon. Instead, you should have had Luna use her immense telekinetic power to GRAB AHOLD OF ONE OF THE MOONS, and then slam it into the dragon like a wrecking ball. THAT'S what a person or pony wielding that kind of power would do.

9015763
I want to make it interesting. I don't want to start off with her as all powerful right from the get go. I'll edit it better to explain why she can't use all of her magic right now

Zu'u Fen Saraan Fah Faal Ruz.

We always read about the badass aspect of the Dragonborn, but THIS Dragonborn is Crazy Awesome! Since his parents are Khajiit caravans, maybe his father is Ri’saad?

Hope Ulfric doesn't try to sell his craphone to Celestia. She should be able to see right through it and know how flawed his thinking is. Unless you go with the idea that he was basically brainwashed by the Thalmor to cause the civil war, than let her play along until she can break that.

9065992 I'll definitely play with Celestia and Luna going the neutral route and eventually try to have the sisters work with both the Stormcloaks and the Empire to come to a mutual agreement, cause both are filled with good people with good ideas, but they both are wrong in some way. The Thalmor are definitely the real villains in all of this

Lukas got the idiot, celestia has someone smarter, both on opposite sides without intention. Let's see where they go.

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