When Magic is revealed, World War III begins. Harry uses his skills to help stop the war, but now the Wizards are scared that he is turning Dark. He is sentenced to death. But this is his beginning. A plea for help is given and Harry answers the call. Now his new beginning starts.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It’s...so contrived. It feels forced and VERY rushed. Not only that, but your story summary gives too much away. It’s supposed to be a hook, to draw readers in. It’s fine to explain some basics but if you literally write out a summary of everything, what reason do we have to read it? We already know how it ends.
Honest suggestion is to redo this entire thing. The muggles unite...have you seen the real world? You think everyone out there would unite against the possibilities brought about by magic? The death of the companions was also pretty forced and you said they were shot in two near-consecutive sentences. Relax, give some more details, try to make the start more realistic(I know, ponies; who needs realism? But it helps keep your audience connected. As to Harry’s mode of transport...I understood the veil as a death sentence. Maybe if Voldemort won and they threw him through it would make sense but to willingly commit suicide?(in other words, why does Harry think this is like a portal to somewhere he can live as opposed to the insta-death I’ve heard it described as?)
I’m not saying stop writing. Far from it. Love this story. Give it details. Breath some life into it and actually think about the how’s and whys. It looks like it could go somewhere, but you need to stick with it and work for it!
Why isn't there a dark tag?
Cinder...Blaze. What? Why?!? What about Harry makes you think that name would work? What does it say about him? He was a hero, a warrior. A soldier of light. Cinder Blaze is the name of a bad OC. A Pegasus if we’re lucky. You’d be better served leaving his name alone. And the information just being...uploaded. I want this to succeed, Phoenix, but you’re honestly killing your story with all of this contrived bull. There’s no effort. No way for us to connect to Harry. He’s dead inside at best, a murderer at worst who destroyed the world through his actions and left laughing at the people he damned.
Finally, your comment about the seasons at the start worried me. Are you starting at current? You could start anywhere. Hell, I did a story that started 3 years after the defeat of Discord by Celestia and Luna. You don’t have to start at the current episode, in fact I PRAY that you aren’t.
I’ve Been watching for changes and the story summary looks 200% better in its current form. It’s a lead in, a hook that makes promises of what’s to come and where it will go. Please let me know if you need help with anything. I don’t want to scare writers away, but people need to think about their stories. I understand I can come across as overly belligerent and I apologize for that, but I get upset when I feel people are trying to rush to what they feel will be the more entertaining bits to write. I’ve deleted five chapters out of an unpublished story(well over 10k words) because I didn’t like the direction it went and didn’t want to write something that felt contrived. I think you can do something fun here, so give it ALL your best. Not just the parts that are fun to write.
I read through it and the first chapter looks.. cleaner. Still stuff I don’t care for but i won’t bitch too much about that. Hell, I still don’t like how some of my stories started.
I still don’t care for the presupposition in the second chapter. They outright tell Harry he’ll be a ruler. That’s messy in a lot of ways. What has Harry done that makes them think he’s a good choice (especially when you originally had him abandoning his people while laughing at their doom/damnation. That wouldn’t fly with Celestia and Luna)? What makes them certain it will work? Do you think Luna and Celestia are just going to accept him? Maybe you’d like that, but unless there’s a big threat he can help with to prove himself, they aren’t going to blindly accept him. And this gets to another issue. When you start making memories things you can put on a USB and transfer like that, all he has to do is show them the memories and they’ll be okay with it. And I feel that both cheapens the experience and skips a lot of possible conflict and growth. Why is Harry needed here? Is there a threat? It would need to be something he specifically is prepared to deal with, otherwise a random original character may have been a better choice(a pre-existing hero is actually harder to write, because the traits and personality are already decided).
I’m happy to see you sticking with this story. It has potential, lots of it. I’ve been binging Harry Potter fics lately and I would like to see this end up in such a state as to get entry into good crossover groups. You have a way to go, but the changes and corrections give me hope. I think you can pull this off.
And don’t be afraid to PM me, i’d be happy to talk to you about writing in general. Sometimes just a second brain to bounce ideas off of can be a great help.
uh, what? who's Hadrian? lol, assume it's Harry. Autocorrect?
to live on/conquer? I'd also be careful about the slashes, you kind of abuse them. Once or twice a chapter is fine but you're using them like I used to use commas. It's a lot cleaner and a lot easier to follow this time. Not one for misanthropy, but eh, a lot happens in war. Either you come out stronger in your convictions or you break.
People who complain about such things don't understand storytelling. The story needs to flow, and I'd rather read a story that drags a bit and goes into detail than gushes through the timeline.
Dunno if the chapters are long enough to warrant a recap, but it looks a lot better.
Hadrian Hadrian Hadrian. Either make your character an OC, an original character, or keep to one name please. Either is acceptable, but each has their downsides. Not all OC's can have all the powers (for instance a wizard oc couldn't have the hallows because Harry has them), but it also gives you more control over the individuals personality and background. As it stands it looks like you wrote it as an SI(self-insert) and swapped your OC out for Harry to make it more palatable. It comes across to me as disingenuous.
I'm kind of confused. You said he was a pegasus but Luna and Celestia refer to him as "their males" as though he's an alicorn. Or is this just me?
Okay, so he is a pegasus...
As I said it looks a lot better; a lot less cringy and contrived. I don't even mind the alicorn thing if that's really what you want to do(I've done alicorn OC's before myself and they're doable if you have a reason for it) but that old cover art...*shudder*
You should change his race description, he is not à pegasus. Saying he is one is only confusing. The way you have writen this story a male alicorne that differs from the females are better.
9069565 Sorry about the name changes. This is an HP/MLP crossover. I am not using an OC. It's Harry that has been brought to the MLP world. I know the Harry/Hadrian thing is confusing, but in my opinion Harry sounds more like a nickname then an actual name. That is why I call him Hadrian. Grani is his animagus forms name just as his dad's was Prongs and Sirius was Padfoot. So his full name is Hadrian James Potter-Black.
And yes the cover art sucks. It was meant as a basic picture so people can have an idea of what Hadrian looks like. The picture was made on the Pony Maker so if anyone wants to make an actual picture of him I'd be more than happy to post it.
To Luna and Celestia they would recognize him as a male Alicorn as they remember when there were male alicorns. To anyone else male alicorns are a myth and something they don't think is possible. To anyone else, he would look like a massive pegasus. I know you can only comment on what's written so far, but please remember as a reader, we have more knowledge about what's going on. We are privy to our characters thoughts and thought processes as well as their background information. Everything will be answered in time.
9072257
Hmm. I’ll agree that only you know where the story could go but I ask that you don’t pull a Ryan Johnson and say viewers have no clue what they’re talking about and that it’s just beyond our ability to comprehend. That’s a very fine line you’re walking.
As for the Hadrian thing? Your headcanon doesn’t make sense to an outside viewer. You need to get this point across in the story. Maybe put something in the first chapter calling him Hadrian James Potter, Harry to his friends. Because as someone who reads a bunch of fanfics, several of which used Harry Potter, this is the first time I’ve come across this idea.
And as the other guy said, just have Celestia think about it or something. The phrase is sexual dimorphism.
9077992
Not sure who that Ryan person is but all I'm trying to say is there's in character knowledge and out of character knowledge. Everything will get explained eventually in the story. Just not immediately. There's things that need to be built up in the story. This story is going to be a slow burn at least until my son is back in school.
Harry is calling himself Hadrian at the moment because he doesn't really know anyone that he'd consider a friend.
9079270
As I said, don’t mind the new headcanon over the name but you need to tell the readers this. The name Hadrian came up I think once in the first chapter and I dismissed it as a typo, then you had in chapter three the name being used exclusively. I’m pretty good at making logical leaps as needed but there was no set up for it. What if I wrote an MLP story and was writing a story about Moonbeam? You can take a guess about who that is, but without the author coming out and saying that it’s Luna, it could also be another character. In fact i’ve Read it as another character in a fanfic.
And Ryan’s the director of Star Wars 8, he called his audience foul names when people pointed out issues with basic bits of his story. Like the fact that when a space ship runs out of fuel it doesn’t stop or that a person with no training who can do EVERYTHING is a Mary Sue/poorly designed character. A YouTuber names Mauler did a good job of pointing out the worst offenders in the story. Point of that is that you want to tell your audience a story. Yes you know the story, but putting your nose in the air and dismissing concerns because “it’s my story” can lose you your audience. It’s the reason I engaged with a reviewer who attacked my story until he started insulting my mother. I want my readers to follow along. Otherwise, why bother posting it?
Please don’t assume the audience will just accept tons of logical leaps. Some are expected, many can make a story interesting. But too many and people lose track of what’s going on. At that point the audience gets confused and only the most invested will stick around hoping to see their concerns relieved.
Keep up the good work. Thanks for the good story.
He gasped when he came face to face with a tall dark grey, almost black horse with wings. It was a Granian if he remembered his creatures right. A horse with long wings that was extremely fast. He was slightly larger than Solar Wind and built like a warrior. He had a dark grey mane and tail. His eyes were emerald green. He accepted his form immediately and felt his body slowly change. When the change completed he slowly stood up on all four legs and a slowly walked getting a feel for his new body. “I am Hadrian Grani.” he said firmly knowing that’s what his name was.
doesn't that mean his a pegasus?
Harry moved forward and touched his horn to hers. Information flooded his mind about Equestria’s history and what he was capable of. After a few minutes he felt himself starting to lose consciousness due to information overload. “Please tell my daughters their mother and father love them, and we will always be watching over them.” Solar Wind spoke one last time before he completely lost consciousness. His last sight of her was her smiling as she transported him to Equestria.
and yet he suddenly appeared to have a horn?
Celestia caught up with her sister and prepared a shield spell knowing she was better with defensive, rather than the offensive spells that her sister excelled at. Side by side they neared the crater and gasped in unison at what they saw.
A large near black pegasus stallion lay in the crater. One of his legs was obviously broken. He was unconscious. The two Princesses went cautiously to his side. Celestia shot several spells at him to see what injuries the stallion had.
“Sister are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Celestia said softly to Luna.
“I am, but I thought all the males of our kind were killed off.” Luna said looking over the stallion. Their males were large and had massive wings, but their magic was more based in weather manipulation and control. Where the Pegasus could help shape the weather they could not directly control it. She couldn’t help but think he was quite handsome. She blushed at where her thoughts led.
seriously?? again with the pegasus or alicorn thing???!!!
no offense,but im literally confused right now
There are a few things I wish to question...
First of all is Harry really a pegasus or an Alicorn?
a few excerps from your story:
Last Time: Harry moved forward and touched his horn to hers. Information flooded his mind about Equestria’s history and what he was capable of.
AND:
“Sister are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Celestia said softly to Luna.
“I am, but I thought all the males of our kind were killed off.”
This sounds like he is an Alicorn how else would he have a Horn and wings.
and Luna and Celestia are Alicorns or are they not in your fic?
please explain this.
I did not read any of the other comments of this story because I wish to hear this from the so-called Horses Mouth directly ^^" (Pun-Pun-Puuun)
sincerly
J
9069500
I think Hadrian was Harry’s real name.
9172459
I just spent 5 minutes on google looking it up and everything from Wikipedia to the fandom wiki and not one mention of Hadrian came up. This information coupled with this being the first time i’ve Seen such a thing leaves me to believe that you are confusing headcanon with canon. If you could link me an example either here or in a pm i’ll Gladly turn back on this but I’m not seeing it and my point stands. Besides, both the teacher in the first year and the goblet of Fire used Harry Potter. If his name was different, i’d Assume these artifacts wouldn’t work properly.
K-Artiste and Living Dimension, sorry about the confusion. I thought I edited those parts out. Physically Hadrian looks like a massive Pegasus. He doesn't have a horn, but he is still able to use his wizarding magic because the Elder wand merged into his body when he got all 3 Hallows. The alicorn and Storm Pegasus will be explained in Chapter 5.
Alicorns and Storm Pegasi are the same race, but gender specific because they are built to work together.
Reykan, I'm going to try and make sure everything is explained or gets explained eventually. I just don't like laying everything out in one go. I found it makes stories boring if you know which way its headed in the first couple chapters. So I will be peppering details throughout my chapters.
Everyone else, thankyou for your reviews and don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions or concerns. :D
Update?
more please