One hundred and fifty years after a catastrophic war surged through Equestria, ponykind is struggling for continued existence. Without the princesses to protect the land, a great darkness has swept in. Beneath the struggle for survival and constant fighting between ponies, a new force is rising. One that seeks to fill the vacuum of power and reform Equestria in their image. Their greatest adversary though, will be found in the most unlikely place.
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So far, this has been a really intriguing read
The descriptions are very well-done, Skyfall seems interesting and the atmosphere of dark and mysterious post-apocalyptic (?) world is really great.
Grammar and spelling were mostly solid, there are some sentences that are little rough around the edges, but nothing to really break the flow. The only recurring issue that I noticed was some incorrect capitalization of dialogue tags in direct speech. I can explain more, if you wish
I shall keep tracking this and hopefully get to the next chapters once my schedule is free once more!
8867882
Thanks! Your feedback really means a lot. I'd love to discuss any improvements I could make! Recently things have been kind of crazy in life so I haven't been able to post here in awhile. That stuff has been cleared up now so the story is (kinda) back on track! I hope you enjoy the next three chapters and everything else yet to come!
8905642
You’re welcome! Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, things have been rather hectic here as well.
Alright, some basic bits about direct speech. It’s good to discern between speaking and non-speaking dialogue tags. The latter are also called ‘beats’.
When there is a speaking action present in the dialogue tag (said, replied, asked, commented etc.), the tag starts with lowercase letter (except for proper nouns and I). However, direct speech in such case cannot end with a period. A comma has to be in its place. (Question and exclamation marks, as well as ellipses—i.e. the three dots ..., which, by the way, always have to be three, no more, no less—are alright there as well.)
On the other hand, when the tag contains a non-speaking action (nodded, blushed, sighed etc.), the tag has to start with an uppercase letter and the direct speech cannot end with a comma. Period or other punctuation mark has to be there.
A few examples from the first and a half chapters:
Wrong:
Corrected:
Wrong:
Corrected:
Wrong:
Corrected:
*notice the punctuation mark
However, there are far more direct speech constructs, notably those with a dialogue tag/beat wedged between two direct speeches. I’ll get to those soon as I’ve finished the second chapter.
8916612
Sorry it took so long to get back to you as well! Thanks for the advice on the corrections, I'll be sure to use them when the story gets back on track. It means a lot that you want to help me get better, and I'll take all the feedback I can get to help me improve. School has been pretty straining, so I'm putting off the next chapter until the 31st of May after everything is settled and Summer is in full swing.
Oh, such a cliffhanger! Also, I really liked this chapter. Finally getting some insight on what is going on. Also, the awakening part was executed really well!
The previous chapters were nice as well, my only issue was the beginning of Dark Matter’s chapter; it was a little jarring to be honest. Oftentimes, I wasn’t sure who is speaking or being described.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
8991646
It's hard to say really, I have my own voices I have for them in my head. I think of the voices like region specific or specific to their traits and personality.
Very good I see that it's really good the it adds good background and the way it is a good one.
Getting some answers and even more questions... Really good job on the atmosphere in the fortress
Interesting... Nice to see this story continue!