This is my first fic, so be brutally honest. :3
This is based of of the attack on Pearl Harbor seventy years ago to this date, and I thought I'd make a little something up.
Thanks to Molotov Cocktail for being such a great pre-reader.
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Our young protagonist is a simple petty officer in The Equestrian Navy, and he just hopes he can get some rest and relaxation on the Sunday, December seventh that they had the day off on in the sunny harbor at Oahu.
That doesn't happen, as diplomatic relations between The United States of Equestria and the Japonyse go to sh*t, war ensues.
Now he is fighting for his life in a War that shoudln't have happened after the last one nearly thirty years ago.
funny thing is I was just watching a segment of pearl harbor! Odd
I know you probably put a good bit of work or something into this, but something like Pearl Harbor is not something to use for Fanfic Material. It just isn't right.
You waited until this day, December 7, to post this? Nice. Will read
*clicks to track story*
i should track this...
good...
*reads chapter and forgets i tracked*
this is good!
*scrolls back up and finds that i already tracked*
*facehoof*
It's actually pretty decent. I like some of the puns (Japonyse was the best; I literally laughed out loud when I read that). I find it very respectable that you took the time to honor the lives lost in the Pearl Harbor attack with this.
There's one inaccuracy, though; the initial attacks from the waves of bombers started at 7:53 am. I'm not sure if you were going for that amount of detail, so I'm not going to tell you you HAVE to change it, just a heads-up.
Hm, I like the concept, but things like the conversations seem jagged and a bit out of place sometimes, and having the name of who is speaking sprinkled throughout the story seems strange, you'll have it like that one time then switch to not naming who is talking in the next paragraph. Also, the part with Pinkie just seemed off to me. I might just be being a little nit-picky however, I want to see where this heads and am going to track it. Cant wait for part two.
Sugarcube Corner is a chain resturaunt? Le gasp!
Those bastards are going to sink the Mareizona!
Well if you've got Pearl Harbour, I've got dibs on the atomic bombings of Shireroshima and Neighgasaki.
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Thanks
Truth be told, this made me want to get part 1 of my story started and finished lol, anyways, I sounded really negative before, but I do like this fic, I was just trying to point out some flaws imo, and it came out rather bluntly
derelle, good one. help tell people freedom is not free
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agreed, by writing something like we are remembering the lives of those who lost theirs on that day. The only thing I can really think of that would ever be an insult to the people who lost their lives there, both American and Japanese, would be either telling jokes about it (sorta like if you told jokes about the people who lost their lives on 9/11, just isn't right), or the movie Pearl Harbor. I mean hell, that movie was so fucking bad (excuse my language, but I really like to learn things about World War 2, and when I was forced to watch it in school, I felt like the whole damn movie was just gigantic insult to the lives lost there, as it's like a 2 and a half hour movie, but the actual event is in it for like 15 minutes, and they don't really talk about why the Japanese did or other things like that) that it made the movie "Tora Tora Tora!" (that was actually not all that good) look like it was unbelievably realistic.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you write something about a certain event or a certain someone that was a tragedy, doesn't make it an insult unless you're purposely trying to take jabs at them.
I made REALLY bad puns, does that count?
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I agree. Phoenixes would have made for better Japanese.
Admiral Philomena anyone?
*shot*
December 7th, porps
I noticed something, it really took me out of the story, There doesn't need to br a colon ":" after each Character, before they speak.
No problems, at worst, your fiction just sits on the tracking list, nearly forgot about this fiction truth be told... oh well, can't wait to see some updates.
Ironically i'm writing a paper on pearl harbor
Meh. My patience is like granite.
Just don't take it for granted.
Ohoho puns galore!
May God and Celestia have mercy on our souls.
Happy Anniversary Pearl Harbor!!!