AMICITAS FLIGHT THREE – MISSION DAY 115
ARES III SOL 116
To: Mark Watney (mwatney@ares.nasa.gov)
From: Annie Montrose (montrose01@nasa.gov)
Subject: Filthy Fred Interview
Mark, I’m contacting you about this in private email to try to keep you from blowing up in public about this.
Yesterday evening an Internet personality who goes by the name Filthy Fred took the audio from your interview spot and used sound bites from it to assemble a fake interview. The joke, if it can be called that, is that you have an alien harem on Mars.
This is Filthy Fred’s usual modus operandi. He’s hit celebrities, politicians, even ex-Presidents. He gets his laugh from shock, and he has a small but fanatical following. It wouldn’t be an issue except, since your name is on top of everybody’s search history, millions of people are watching Filthy Fred’s edit right now.
We want you to remain absolutely silent about this. We discussed just not telling you this thing existed, but I told Teddy and Venkat that the odds that it wouldn’t slip somehow are next to zero. Given that, it makes no sense to allow you to be blindsided when it does pop up. So we’re warning you, and we’re warning you to pretend it never happened.
I’m serious, Mark; direct responses to assholes like Filthy Fred never work. Fred would love to have you protest. It’d be mud-wrestling with a pig. He’d get more publicity, and people would begin to wonder if there’s any truth to it. So let us handle it instead. Our spin is to show photos of the ponies, with their big adorable eyes, and make the point about what kind of person you have to be to turn humanity’s first alien contacts into a crude sex joke.
Finally, I want to say that this wasn’t your fault. We tell you astronauts to be careful in interviews, but Filthy Fred and other dickheads like him will fuck over anything you say no matter how careful you are. So don’t worry over it. And don’t say anything. Just leave it to your aunt Annie. I’ll see the little cocksucker roasted on the fire of public opinion, don’t worry.
Annie
To: Annie Montrose (montrose01@nasa.gov)
From: Mark Watney (mwatney@ares.nasa.gov)
Subject: Re: Filthy Fred Interview
I don’t suppose you could sneak a download of the audio past Kapoor’s bandwidth police?
Mark
To: Mark Watney (mwatney@ares.nasa.gov)
From: Annie Montrose (montrose01@nasa.gov)
Subject: Re: Filthy Fred Interview
Nope. Teddy and Venk say the details won’t help you any. But I’m copying this transcript from the departmental report I have on the thing. You’re welcome. (Sorry about the numbers: in the report they link to where in the real interview the sound bites came from. We were hoping he'd added something so we could nail him legally, but he didn't. I don’t have time to delete them all for you.)
Annie
---Attachment: filthy_fred_transcript.txt
FF: Hello, you fucked-up freaks and you freaky fuckers, this is Filthy Fred again- and this time I’ve got the best interview EVER! Yours truly has scored an interview with our favorite Martian himself, Mark Watney! Say hi to our listeners, Mark!
MW: high(1)
FF: Now, I’m given to understand that you’re just hangin’ out on Mars with five aliens, four of which are females who prefer to go around naked. Are you gonna tell me there’s nothin’ goin’ on up there?
MW: No, seriously(2)
FF: That’s what I thought! So, what’s it like, fuckin’ four alien girls?
MW: it keeps you warm on a winter night, you know what I mean?(3)
FF: Yeah, but really- four aliens?
MW: I figured NASA would want someone who could do more than one(4) pony(5). Turns out I was right.(6)
FF: Sounds like you’re having a ball up there!
MW: the ponies all like it, too(7)
FF: Which one of your bunk buddies is your favorite?
MW: I wish you could see Spitfire shaking her butt(8)You take one look and you know it’s going to taste SO good.(9)
FF: Got a thing for butts, eh Mark?
MW: I want to feel them in my hands(10)
FF: Tell us about Spitfire’s butt, Mark.
MW: It’s so hot and gooey(11)
FF: What does that do to your dick when you think about it?
MW: It’s long(12) and(13) hard (14)
FF: So what do you do with it?
MW: I stick it in(15) the right place(16)
FF: And what do you do when you’re done?
MW: C’mon(17) those innocent, cute little faces.(18)
FF: Sounds like you really have fun up there, Mark!
MW: the ponies all like it, too(19)
FF: I guess they must! But what about the dragon guy, what’s his name?
MW: Fireball’s(20)
FF: How does he take your hogging all the girls?
MW: even he’s hard(21)
FF: What?? You mean to say you’ve got a dude doing you too?
MW: I put it in(22) that big adorable schnozz?(23)
FF: Damn, Mark, how long you been swingin’ both ways?
MW: since college(24)
FF: Where did you first experiment with this sort of thing?
MW: everywhere when I was a kid.(25) I was young and healthy enough(26)
FF: What was your favorite place to screw?
MW: my best friend’s basement(27)
FF: Sounds kinky, Mark. What would you say to people who think it’s kind of fucked up to have sex with an alien, never mind five?
MW: don’t let that stop you. Don’t even let it slow you down. (28) that’s how you make a fun evening.(29)
FF: Words of wisdom, Mark. Your transmission’s breaking up. Any last words of wisdom for Earth?
MW: if (30) more people (31) really want (32) to lay(33) the ponies, well, I’m sure they all want it too.(34)
FF: Thanks again, astronaut Mark Watney! And let’s hope you get rescued soon… but not TOO soon! (lewd laughter)
--- end doc
To: Annie Montrose (montrose01@nasa.gov)
From: Mark Watney (mwatney@ares.nasa.gov)
Subject: Re: Filthy Fred Interview
… I think I’ve just been permanently cured of making “that’s what s/he said” jokes. I’ve seen this sort of thing done before and laughed my ass off, but I wasn’t the target then- nor were my guests. Especially not my guests. This is like this guy just twisted my words to make me sound like a goddamn pedophile. That's what it feels like to me.
I guess I should consider myself lucky I didn’t say the word “sister” in that interview. As it is, I’m going to go bury my head now and wish for a time machine so I could go back and undo all my words.
… oh God. Starlight just read over my shoulder. She wants an explanation. Excuse me, I have to destroy an adorable unicorn's innocence now.
Mark
To: Mark Watney (mwatney@ares.nasa.gov)
From: Annie Montrose (montrose01@nasa.gov)
Subject: Re: Filthy Fred Interview
Better you than me, Mark. Be sure to tell the others not to talk about it, either.
By the way, special request: we need more pony pics. Spend a day or two and take a fuckton of photos, especially faces, so we can feed them to the press and double down on the cute card.
A few requests for these photos:
(1) Avoid butt shots. Obviously. Even if they’re in suits or undersuit garments, we don’t need any “where is he looking?” bullshit.
(2) Faces, faces, faces.
(3) I know you had to take photos of the composting system you have for the botany boffins down here. Don’t take any fucking more. Ponies half-covered in shit are not cute.
(4) Dragonfly tests much less cute than the other ponies. Only take pics of her if she’s doing something adorable. And don’t take pics of Fireball at all. People think he’s cool, but definitely not cute, and innocent is what we really need right now.
Thanks!
Annie
“People actually DO things like that?”
Cherry Berry couldn’t believe her ears. First Mark had told them what had happened, and then Starlight Glimmer had filled in the gaps for those whose English still lagged behind.
“Yeah, I know!” Starlight Glimmer agreed. “Maybe it’s a monkey thing? The whole species, obsessed with sex?”
“You wish,” Spitfire said, obviously unruffled. “There are reasons why the Wonderbolts stay in the VIP area at public events. The paparazzi are just praying for that photo of you mid-sneeze that makes it look like you’re leering at somepony else’s flank.”
“No, really, I think it might be a species thing,” Starlight insisted. “Remember what I told you about what happened on the trip to get Pathfinder?”
“Pfft,” Spitfire shrugged. “That was nothing. I’ve seen stallion academy cadets at 5 AM surprise assembly, just barely stuffed into their flight suits. And I do mean stuffed.” The ex-Wonderbolts commander waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Cherry Berry held her head in her hooves. She felt like it was going to explode. “I do not want to KNOW these things about people!” she insisted.
“Welcome to my universe,” Fireball growled. “You mammals are all crazy. We dragons deal with sexual issues in the only appropriate way- after a prolonged negotiation of the prenuptial agreement.”
Cherry Berry looked to Dragonfly for support. The changeling sat on a stool, silent and thoughtful-looking. “Dragonfly, you… er, what are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” Dragonfly said, not budging from her seat.
“Right,” Cherry said, not believing it. “Well, I’m giving a direct order: nopony, especially not you, Dragonfly, is allowed to-“
“What??”
Mark had rechecked his email after explaining about the disgusting human and his radio show. Now he shoved his chair back from the table his computer sat on, glaring at the screen as if mortally insulted. Then, with a nod, he closed the computer, went to a cabinet to fetch a still camera, and walked over to the pony huddle.
“Earth wants more pictures of you.,” Mark said, holding up the camera. “Cute pictures. But they don’t want pictures of Fireball, and they only want pics of Dragonfly if she’s being silly.” He put on a smile stolen from an alligator as he said, “So the English word for today is: photobomb.”
He explained. The changeling and the dragon grinned.
The pegasus didn’t. “You say Earth want cute pictures?” she said, her English better than it had been but still clumsy. “Earth think we childs or something?” She hopped onto the worktable, crouching so her barrel just barely cleared the tabletop while her rump waggled high in the air. Just to make her meaning clear, she lifted her tail well out of the way. “Shoot me like one of your Fancy girls,” she purred in Equestrian.
“Wow!” Dragonfly said. “I never knew you could change color, Mark! Are you- never mind.”
Mark was indeed blushing like a fire engine, but he continued to smile. “Let’s make some art,” he said.
Annie Montrose looked at the pictures from the Pathfinder link. Every last one had Fireball in the background, for no apparent reason- just walking by, eating a rock, looking at a computer, so forth, in every single goddamn picture.
Every one had Dragonfly doing something silly- making faces, sticking objects through her holes, juggling, even sitting on Cherry Berry’s head.
And almost every one had Spitfire shoving her butt into shot, to the obvious embarrassment of whichever alien the camera had actually been aimed at.
In fact, almost half of the photos lacked either Starlight Glimmer or Cherry Berry entirely.
But all of them, willy-nilly, would get handed over to the press not later than twenty-four hours later.
“God damn you, Watney,” Annie snarled at her computer. “You had one job. ONE FUCKING JOB!!”
To: Annie Montrose (montrose01@nasa.gov)
From: Spitfire (a5_11@ares.nasa.gov)
Subject: (no subject)
We are not children. We will not let you act like we are children.
We are a team. We will not let you act like some of us are not team.
Next time remember that. Also tell Earth I show you what none of you will ever have.
Spitfire
Not sure why Annie is angry, other than being angry all the time. Or rather, I understand why she is angry, but she really did ask for this. And this is a surprisingly mature response to the scum and his slander. Though since Mark is on another planet, the logical response of shotgun + douche season won't be a possible outcome. However, I suspect Mark's unending humor to likely a comfort to the others now, so it is just as well he is going this route.
Keep up the good work, and never surrender to the time crunch gremlins!
When Annie got the photos that somehow had Fireball in the background, my first thought was "Goddammit, Ross", mainly due to a series of pictures the Game Grumps put up on their instagram a while back where he was in the background of every single one. Including his own.
That interview and Annie request could be diplomatic incidents in a space war capable civilization.
Poor Annie. I fully expect her vocabulary to devolve to 95% swear-words by the time this is over.
This was us wasn't it? We made this madness happen.
Why is NASA even giving a shit about the spliced interview? That is youtube poop level of edit. Even if it shows up in the search everyone will be able to tell it's fake.
Seems even 2 decades from now marketing people still don't understand how trolls work.
And good job Spitfire. Damn puritan retards who want to deny basic biology.
8798835 Annie IS angry all the time. She has, for whatever reason, chosen one of the most stressful jobs imaginable- head of media relations for a government agency that the public loves right up until the moment something goes even slightly wrong.
i point out that your filthy fred would be crucified by the public and the media in this regard. we are talking about him making fun of a man currently struggling for his life well making first contact on a planet that is more murder happy then Australia. honestly not only would his review be seen as slander against a public figure, the only reaction he'd get would be disgust and horror, anyone who's sponsoring him probably is pulling out about now.
lets hope you can get the buffer back up
8798847 NASA is concerned for two reasons. One, they want to counter even the suggestion that Mark might be having sexual relations with his alien dependents. Two, they're worried about what Mark will do, since he's already demonstrated himself to be a loose cannon PR-wise.
Dear Filthy Fred
Sleep well
Sincerely,
Princess Luna.
8798854
Are you implying the guy would even care? It's obvious he is doing it not for any sort of money or sponsorship or love, he is doing it for the chaos. Hell, Discord probably felt a unexplainable pang of joy in Equestria and doesn't know why.
This was done purely for shock value and keks, and it worked wonderfully.
Spitfire, you are magnificent.
oh god..... 3..... 2....... and.......... 1........
Half of the server farms and nods blown up as half of China parts of the EU and another part of the worl
meanwhile in CA "AAAAHHHH MY INTERNET GONE DOWN!!!!! MY WORLD OF WARCRAFT RAID RUIN!!!!! (jump out window in sadness as every geek gamer freak out having no internet from the pics of spitfire being sexy blown up the internet. a gun nut yells as he shoots his featureless AR15 in the air "EVER MAN CHILD WOMAN FOR THEMSELVES!!!"
8798857
who knows maybe someone on earth get lucky
8798861
and he did that night
Haha, Spitfire killed it.
8798854
filthy fred: posts another crappy and controversial upload making fun of mark and the ponies
media:
78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8d0kaYo3f1rb1baco1_500.gif OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!
That sounds oddly epic. Like the kind of defiant speech you'd find in Doctor Who.
Or maybe it's just the music I'm listening to.
8798853
Everybody else at NASA has to worry about trivial things like interdimensional travel, interplanetary supply runs, and keeping the crew from killing themselves. She has the far more difficult task of explaining all of that crap and making it look good.
8798864
who elsa but spitfire!
she spitfire, spitfire, you never know what she ever do next, she spitefire! "OH YA LETS FUCK!"
8798859
In that case my point stands: NASA failed at dealing with the troll AND basic human nature. They keep treating Mark as a guinea pig instead of a real, fighting for his life human. They are asking him to behave like some perfect diplomat that never does anything remotely above G rated. Add that to the fact that he is stressed as hell and that they have no way to punish him and they just made a munity on his part inevitable.
It will be just like the Skylab munity, except the aliens will join and it will be a much bigger PR nightmare than NASA admiting humans and ponies do reproduce sexualy and the ponies are adults.
8798873
who elsa but spitfire!
she spitfire, spitfire, you never know what she ever do next, she spitefire! "OH YA LETS FUCK!"
8798875
given the SJW of today i chould see that
8798883 In short, they're treating him like they treat every other astronaut.
Oh yeah, can't forget that they still have internet in the future. Or specifically, the internet.
8798891
Yes. And just like wirh Skylab they are refusing to aknowlodge this is wrong. It WILL bite them in the ass later. Mark will become a complete loose canon if they keep this sort of treatment on him.
(P.s. don't take this as critique of your writing. I am merely pointing out that despite this being how stuff would likely play out it is still incredbly dumb and NASA should have known better.)
8798885
Actually i wasnt considering the sjw i was considering how many people would HATE him for making fun of someone in a life threatening situation like that and how most of the internet would not settle for deleting his channel but rather put a bounty on his head
Amazing. I love this Spitfire.
8798847
no one with a shred of intelligence or maturity says retard anymore. And even without the word being so vile, if we met irl I would seriously consider punching you for comparing people like me to puritans.
8798846
Most likely.
Even better than the "look, boobies!" line from the book.
Wow, I think Spitfire's first line in this chapter was probably her best moment to date, and in each further line she had raised the bar even higher
I think she's right - the notion that your looks mean nobody would ever consider you a sexual object would be insulting to any human, because of cuteness or otherwise.
...Chrysalis is going to make first contact in person while dressed like a dominatrix, isn't she, just to make a point?
8798901
ya true that.
mmm i wonder how much he be worth then, but then agien given what mark did his going to be more well known now
Of course, the human response to the photos is that Spitfire trying to look sexy is the cutest thing of all, doing something so adult when she looks so cuddly. Like a toddler wearing a pinstripe suit, which would be adorable.
Also, wouldn't the casetteboy interview be buried amidst all the media discussion of Mark, if he's the most talked about thing on Earth? I get that he'll be top of the searches, but there'll be millions of hits, so why would that lead so many to the altered interview?
8798841
pre00.deviantart.net/295b/th/pre/i/2013/038/4/2/gothic_metal_chrysalis_by_gabriev666-d5o8wh1.png
Well that was hilarious. Uncomfortable in parts, but the whole 'we're not children' thing has felt like it's been a natural build for a while.
Spitfire going full pin up model fits perfectly.
8798905
Oh god, I hope so. Chryssie could have so much fun with humanity.
And this is why conflating "X is central to the story" and "WARNING: Story contains at least traces of X" tags in the same tagging system is so detrimental to its utility.
8798924
dragonfly and her will fit in well with the goth metalhead gourps just fine
8798924 'This day you're going to be perverts...'
8798928
go down the commants and you see what happen to the internet
I should add that someone banging someone else at some point before they get rescued is almost an inevitability. They're going to be stuck up there for years with nothing to do and no one to interact with except each other. Eventually, once their chances of survival are stable and they can stop worrying about not dying all the time, one of them is going to get bored enough to try luring one of the others into bed. I won't say who, because it could be any of them, but I would be very surprised if it didn't happen, and predict the first incident will take place around Sol 400.
Holy fuck Spitfire... You went deep end lewd
Halfway through this chapter i was thinking...yeah, this isn't doing anything for me...this wasn't necessary...this doesn't add to the story.
But by the ending, I was thinking ok, yeah...this is amusing.
It amuses me how many people are getting upset at Annie for requesting helpful pictures. Yeah, it's intentional manipulation, but that's literally her whole job. It would have cost the ponies and Mark nothing to go along with it and help her out for a bit. I guess I just don't see why this of all things is worth rebelling over.
8798945
If that is the case, then Dragonfly will have a brood by the time they head home when hers hits... Or if she turns human again (which I see her doing for a free meal and to make things feel more natural for Mark) an actual human baby