Living with Cancer

by Dai Kirai

Chapter 4

I awoke to a white room. It was incredibly bright and should have been blinding but it wasn’t, nor did it cast any shadows. The room could have stretched for six feet or an eternity and I would have no way to know until my snout hit a wall.

I sat and looked around for several minutes and nothing changed. I reached out a hoof and felt nothing. There was no scent of the air, no wind through the mane, not even the sound of my own breathing. It was a void.

“HELLO!?!?!” I shouted into the ether with only silence as a reply. Not even just a reply, the only reason I heard my own voice was that it traveled through my head in vibrations, it never visited my ears through the air. Air was there, I had no trouble breathing. I also didn’t panic, it was perfectly calm. “Might as well go for a jaunt.” I laughed, it was as if all weight were lifted from my shoulders.

I tried to remember if I had ever seen a place like this but my memory failed to load. I knew who I was in every detail, but not how I came to be that pony. That must have been the cause of my ease.

***

I stretched. Enjoying the solitude. Not caring how long it had been.

“hehehehe.”

I jumped, Heart pounding. There was no one in any direction, still nothing on the air. Yet that voice sent chills down my spines and into my feathers. Vague twinges of nausea hit my lower abdomen and fear continued to settle and pick at my hindbrain.

“HeHeHeHe!” Much closer, right in my ear. I quickly turned to nothing as a claw slithered down my back.

I jumped again, this time scooting backwards and darting my head around. The white expanse no longer felt safe, it felt dangerous. As if the monster could come out of nothing and strike. It would never do so quickly, it was a silent and cunning creature.

A memory of what it was flitted through my brain, catching glimpses of what it meant, but never enough, just more bright white.

*BANG* *CRASH* Rang out when I finally started to grasp it, followed by a light, sharp ring and glass tinkling to the floor followed by a wave of fetid wind. On the far wall only a dozen feet from me was a writhing mass pushing through and sending cracks in every direction.

*drip*
*drip*
*drip*

A puddle started to form, inky black. It looked harmless like a pool of dark water unless you looked close and saw the jagged spikes covering it.

Once it was a foot across an arm shot out, slowly pulling a body and a head how. How to describe it though. I was intimately familiar with it yet had no way to describe the abject terror it caused.

It was eight feet tall, two legs, two arms, 5 digits on each. It might have looked human except everything ended in sharp talons, ichor dripping off its entire body; and despite dripping globs of black as it padded closer and closer with deep squelching noises, the body looked like patches of shattered glass thrown together.

Warm tears fell down my cheeks, snot dripped down my muzzle, I could taste both. As well as bitter bile spreading up my throat.

Jagged teeth clear and shiny and razor sharp came out as another laugh howled through my head. It reached out a jagged claw and gripped the underside of my jaw.

It was going to kill me…

Oh no my sweet little pony, it will not be quick, it will not be now. It will be over months of regular meetings and we are the best of friends, you will take me everywhere with you as you slowly disappear.

The black liquid had pooled along the ground. I could see it trying to stretch around me with the corners of my eyes.

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I let out a shrieking sob.

“I DON’T WANT THIS! I WILL LIVE!”

***

My wing twitched, fully extended, and flung me off my twin size bed. While it would normally be more than large enough for my frame, I spread out so much that it was too small anymore. Below my chin was a pile of vomit, its rank odor filled my nose. I covered my eyes with my wings, unable to miss how they no longer contained any feathers. The rest of my body no longer had any fur or hair either. The tears refused to stop. I wanted to curl up in a ball and quit, with everything in me I wanted to.

Everything hurt, my bones hurt from the neulasta in such severity like they were exploding in my limbs and back. My head hurt like hell to any possible sounds or movement. I could barely stand or walk and if I had been a biped I would only get places by crawling or moving like a worm. The mere thought of food would make me violently ill and puke. Water tasted so metallic as to be undrinkable. And I was doing it to myself. Every other monday I went in for Doxorubicine infusions using a permanent IV placed in my chest.

I would suffer for a week and then feel somewhat normal before I had to walk myself back in for more. I knew it would work and was worth it, and that I would continue to do it no matter how much I didn’t want to.

“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll clean up.” My roommate spoke from his bed. I had woken him up again.

“Ugh” I muddled and somehow walked to the bathroom, only to puke again in the toilet and fell asleep on the bathroom floor with only one thought in my head. How nice and cool it was on the tile.

***

I awoke some time later and made my way back to bed, on the little nightstand was a pile of anti nausea meds, a gatorade, and a fried lotus which were somehow never a problem to eat. They were placed there by the same griffin who made my bed and cleaned my mess and would undoubtedly be walking me to chemo again next monday.

Cancer Sucks.

Author's Note:

Got the idea during my last scan as I waited for the contrast dye to be injected, this is the closest i could think of to explain how it feels.

whats funny is chemo itself is super boring, you literally sit in a chair and wait, until they are done and you go home, you dont even feel any of it til later.

Comments

[DesiestChangeling]

10339283
Oh how that lifts my heart

[Timeless Lord Slayer]

10339306 As it does mine.

[Daniyel099]

Good to see that you’re still around. I was genuinely getting concerned about the long stretch of silence and was assuming the worst. But it’s good to see that you’re still up and kicking.

[johnebrown9]

Sorry, dude. I lost a grandmother to cancer last year, so I know more or less what you're going through. Hoping for a speedy recovery.
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