Living with Cancer

by Dai Kirai

Diagnosis

I sat in the exam room, waiting. It felt like an hour had already passed. Where the buck is he? I yelled internally. Tapping on my phone to check the time, it hadn't changed since the last time. 1:55pm for an appointment at 2pm. It would continue to move just as slowly. Didn’t matter, I was feeling better. I should just leave instead of waste his time. I thought to myself. But, they had already taken my weight and blood pressure and all that other stuff, the nurses might have even tried to stop me.

I checked the phone again, 1:56pm. About that time, someone knocked on and opened the door. In walked Doctor Ivanov all in white, he promptly sat down on his chair by the computer; body language telling me all I needed to know. He sat forward towards me and not his computer, hands folded with elbows resting on his knees. My first reaction was to jump up and run out. There was some jumble of words emanating from his mouth, one of them being cancer.

The room felt warm and whirly, breaths came short and shallow, vision blurred and became spotty, felt my body rock and lips tingle. Then the floor came up to greet me. Somewhere out there a burly voice yelled for a nurse.

***

Then I was laying on the room’s bed really lightheaded. “What” *cough* “happened?” I was really weak and could barely move.

“You passed out.” Doctor Ivanov said. “I can come back later when you are feeling better, let you rest some more.” He waited for my response.

There was something cold on my neck, and I heard the rustling of a person behind me and realized it had to be a nurse in case something happened. I moved my hooves to sit up, they refused. It’s probably better to stay laying down anyway, just in case. “No.” My voice was thready even to me. “I can do this.” There could be no running away.

“Okay.” He gave an understanding nod and looked me in the eyes. “You have bladder cancer, it is why you were peeing blood. The bad news is that it has spread beyond the local area. It has metastasized to your lymph nodes and spine.”

“Is that bad?” My voice was quivering, even ponies knew that was not good.

“I have seen worse that lived.” He reassured me, or tried to. I didn’t know how much to believe.

“So what now?”

“We will have you in next week to place a portacath, it's like a semi-permanent IV, and the week after we have you scheduled to start chemo. Expect a call within the next few days to confirm and give you directions.”

Then a different thought occured to me. I shot stock straight, ignoring my body’s protests. “Do I have to quite school??” I couldn’t risk that, I was almost done and without school there was no idea where I would have to go.

“We will have to see as it goes along. Do you have any other questions?”

“No…” I didn’t even know WHAT to ask.

“Okay, you can rest in here until you are ready to leave.” The doctor stood up. “Do not hesitate to call my assistant if you have any questions.”
“T-thank you.”

***

I wandered around Westwood, the local area. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment, I didn’t want to stay still. There was something warm and wet on my cheeks.

I sent my parents a letter while I was out, there was no way to call them, they never used a computer. But delivery was incredibly slow through the portal, it could be months before it arrived. All I wanted was a hug. I couldn’t afford a plane ticket or the time away from school. I also knew that I could never handle their expressions, there was no way.

Eventually I stumbled back to my apartment after dark, mostly running on autopilot, the place was empty. I practically collapsed in the elevator, we lived on the third floor which allowed for a decent view and a breeze. Then stumbled to my room and just collapsed on the bed.

At some point I woke up, blinds wide open with a cool breeze through the window. Moonlight pasted the room in a calming sheen. I felt a little better.Off in the other side of the room lay my roommate, a griffon named Brightbeak. It had to be early morning for him to be asleep.

I tried to get out of bed but my hooves got on the blankets and fhus face planted into the floor. I had no memory of wrapping myself up. Carefully rolling up the sheets I noticed a pink letter on my nightstand. The moonlight allowed me to read it without turning on a light.

There is some chrysanthemum soup in the fridge for you.
You owe me by the way.
This was your night to cook.

Author's Note:

A bit shorter than I like or wanted. Not sure why I added another chapter, not sure if it will continue. Still feel crap but that is life and seems to be getting better. And dang is this hard to write, to remember. The memories of it cause all the sensations to come back. Trying to work through it. Funny figuring I am getting stuff ready to start an MA or PhD program to research and improve patient care in oncology units.

I did pass out when I got my diagnosis, well... almost. I got diagnosis one day then the staging another. Cant imagine both on the same day. I so did not want to tell people, it came so out of left field and there are so many stories of how it can go badly when you tell people, but that is a story for another day.

Comments

[DesiestChangeling]

I don't want to sound like an ass but i keep coming back to see if there's any kind up updates just so i know you're still doing ok and seeing you gone for this long worries me.

[Dai Kirai]

9535231
heres an answer