Based on my own dealings with cancer. Dai Kirai must deal with both the diagnosis and treatment that becomes the daily life of living with cancer and what comes after be it death or life.
Based on my own dealings with cancer. Dai Kirai must deal with both the diagnosis and treatment that becomes the daily life of living with cancer and what comes after be it death or life.
I lay there on my back with spasming wings and legs splayed, unable to move, barely able to breathe. Ruminating on the shitshow that brought me here and decided to write my memoir.
MANY MANY MONTHS AGO
I walked up to the medical center just off campus, hooves clopping on grey concrete. The buildings here were short by L.A. standards, only a few stories tall. Helping Hoof gave me a referral after I started peeing blood. I still don’t quite know what the tests showed, probably some sort of protein marker for something weird, undoubtedly nothing too major.
The medical plaza was three whitish buildings around cul de sac right next to Ronald Reagan Hospital. The closer I got, the more nervous I got, outside of a visiting a friend I’ve never been in a hospital. The one I needed was in back, a simple crosswalk let me not have to walk the whole circle.
Inside was more white on the floors and ceiling and walls. There were three paths upon entering the automated doors, a help desk with two people manning it next to a seating area of blue upholstered wooden chairs. The path to the right led down a long narrow hallway while the left led to elevators and the turned away. The middle was wide enough to drive two cars through, at the end was a sign labeled parking. I knew the suite I was looking for was 140 and decided to find it myself.
The right path had almost nothing, some offices for workers on the left side and benches in front of floor to ceiling windows. The only room for patients was labeled “hematology and oncology infusion center” with some of the most dour looking people I had ever seen. But it was listed suite 150 and nothing else seemed important so I headed back to the entrance.
Next I tried straight, there was a gift shop with food on the right along with the lab, and on the right was what I needed, “Clark Urology Center”. Inside was nothing like I expected tho, the chairs were overstuffed and I could have curled up comfortably in one, it was all soft colors and felt pretty homey. It could seat at least thirty but was empty except for a few people.
I made my way up to the reception counter and encountered a very common problem for ponies living on Earth, having to stand just to be seen over those stupid counters. Thankfully they had a shorter counter around the side, it was made for humans to sit but worked perfectly for ponies. I would recount that conversation but it was really boring so I don't quite remember it, just filling out paperwork, checking insurance and the referral, a medical history, then sitting in a really comfy chair to wait for my name to be called. I should have brought a book.
It only took a few minutes for a nurse to come out and get me. We went in back, she took my weight, height, temperature, blood pressure then took me back to room number three. It was a standard patient room, a sink, several labeled drawers, a computer on a moving stalk against one wall by the patient seat covered in white paper that could be laid back. Was a simple matter to jump onto it, no worse than the beds at school.
It was another short wait and a bull of a man entered in a doctor’s jacket. “Hello.” He said in a deep voice and some sort of accent. “My name is Artem Ivanov and I am a urologist here.” He was over six and a half feet tall and bulky and bald, reaching out a hand to shake my hoof, it was a surprisingly soft grip. “There’s nothing to worry about, we just need to run some tests to rule a few things out like kidney stones.”
“Ok.” I said, happy to be right about it not being serious. “What kind of tests?”
“Just an x-ray, a CT, and an MRI. They should be done either this week or next. My assistant Veronica will schedule them for you.” He got to work typing on a computer while I sat on the table. “And we will schedule a return visit for you in two weeks.
“Those sound pretty major.” Even I heard my voice crack on that one. But wouldn’t an x-ray alone be enough?
Doctor Ivanov blinked a few times like he debated how much he wanted to say. “There are a few other options but I don’t like going over some of those unless now know for certain.” His voice was firm like it could never break, but soft enough to give a comforting hug.
“I need to know.” I quivered and shook. Only a few months before learning one of my best friends had leukemia and was hospitalized for it. It couldn’t be worse than that, I could handle it.
“OK. Some sort of infection that slipped by the initial tests. Prostate or kidney damage. A birth defect or maybe something genetic as those can appear out of nowhere. An injury of some sort that you don’t remember getting. Cancer, but those are very rare in somepony your age. Over-exercising. There is no way to know without these tests.”
“Thank you. Those don’t seem so bad.” I breathed a sigh of relief, in just a few weeks things would be better with me none the worse for wear.
“Exactly.” He gave a sure nod. “Do you have any other questions for me?”
“How many non-humans do you treat?” I asked out of curiosity, ponies were still relatively rare around here.
“Maybe two or three, I get most of them.” He answered, standing to leave. “I keep abreast of the studies. Do not worry, you are in good hands.” He pat my shoulder, it was oddly comforting.
I wish I had known it was cancer at the time, I could have prepared better.
The first set of tests was on Saturday, two days later. It was the x-ray and CT scan, I had only ever had the first. Radiology, where they would do my ‘scans’ as they are called, were in the basement. So this time when I entered the medical plaza I took the left path to the elevators and took it down one level, there were a few other people going down.
Again the path split once the doors opened but right in front was a reception desk that said ‘Radiology’ which made it quite easy. I went to the waiting room after checking in, it was much smaller and could only hold about twelve people. The place was barren, but that could be from it being nine in the morning which really isn’t too bad if taken eight am classes. These tests did let me skip a different test for class to be made up with a paper so there were some up sides. Though an anthropology test would have been more fun that waiting forty-five minutes without a phone or a book or anything. It was so fast last time. I groused.
There was a television in the room, a large flatscreen at least forty inches but it looked like an aquarium, soothing but boring. I counted the ceiling tiles, the chairs, stared at my mustard yellow hoof, debated a hooficure.
“Die Karai?” The nurse looked befuddled.
I hopped off the chair not caring how badly they butchered my name so long as there was something else to do. She took me to a room with several booths in it, like changing rooms in a department store.
The nurse turned around to grab something from a cabinet, a small clear bag. “This is for your… Guess you aren’t wearing any clothes.” She handed me the bag anyway. “Feel free to store your bags in there.” She obviously meant the saddlebags I carry everywhere
I waved it away, there was no need for it. The bags that always adorned my flanks was pretty empty, with just some paperwork, my ID and visa, some snacks for between tests, and a textbook I was determined not to read.
She took me to another room with some large mechanical contraption. I was worried I would have to stretch and contort like with my last x-ray, and was proven right. The first shot was me standing with my side to the machine as the lowered it around me. The next required me to stretch up and rest my hooves on a metal bar then to hold my breathe while they took pictures. Another stretched out my wings. After twenty minutes it was all done, told I could change back into my clothes and leave. I had no clothes to put on so just grabbed my saddlebags and headed out. Hopefully the next one is just as easy. I thought.
I made my way back to the main entrance and looked around. What to do for the next two hours. I pondered. It really was a beautiful day, a picnic would be great as my stomach growled. I growled at even bringing food, the sweet fragrance of the apple and the chocolate muffin were so tempting, my mouth watered in anticipation. The CT though required “fasting” so I hadn't eaten all day and wouldn't for a while yet.
To the left, between the medical plaza and what had to be the hospital, sat what looked like a little park filled with tables and benches. I sauntered over there, up maybe a dozen concrete steps, and parked at an empty table and people-watched for a while. There were always people coming and going, lunches and conversations had. Even the people stuck in wheelchairs or connected to tubes seemed not unhappy. Something about the breeze through my cornflower blue mane felt soothing as it also ruffled trees and grass. Autumn was just starting. Back home I'd be prepping the winter storms. I sat and just enjoyed it for two hours, I still remember it when I close my eyes.
***
The two hours passed like a dream, I nearly forgot about my appointment when I asked a passerby for the time. I really regretted leaving my phone at home, but it's also so hard to remember and unplug it. So I ran, tripped over my own hooves on the stairs, and went tail over teakettle. I grumbled and darted up, back to radiology and this time shuffled off to a different waiting room with more paperwork. These questions were more thorough however, and asked about things like heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disorders, most of it was already filled out for me.
It was only a few minutes before they led me to a side room. They directed me to a raised seat.
“We're gonna put an IV line in to administer the contrast.” She spoke while using an electric razor to remove some of the fur from the upper left side of my neck. “How much do you want to know as I work?” she felt around and palpated the naked area.
I needed to know. “All of it.” I responded.
“The IV will be used to inject a dye that will show up on the scans. It will help us better see your insides.” She rubbed the area with a bitter sweet liquid. “Just disinfecting the area with some alcohol. Now you might feel a slight pinch. Normally we do these in the arm but pony anatomy-” there was a slight pressure on my neck followed by the scritch of tape coming off the roll, “is a tad different.” There was the feel of something attached to my neck. “And all done. Let me get you the barium and take you back to the waiting room.”
“Barium?” I asked and hopped down. That sounded kinda weird.
She pulled some cylinders out of a cupboard with an image of fruit on them and took me back to the waiting room. She poured from one tube and filled a small paper cup. “Drink one cup every fifteen minutes over the next hour. It's another type of contrast agent. Berry flavored, hear it is much better than the chocolate one. Someone should get you after that for your test.” Then she left.
I looked down at the white slurry and bubbles on its surface that refused to pop. I raised the cup to my mouth with a hoof and sniffed. How to describe that smell. Sickly sweet, did smell slightly of berries though who could tell which ones, and a little of chalk. I took a sip and felt my throat clench. It was like a viscous powder that slid past yet stuck to everything. I wanted to gag and just stared down the cup for ten minutes. Eventually though I had to drink it and downed it in one gulp. Then refilled the cup, end of tube one. By the end of cup four I could ignore the taste of texture yet was so happy to discard the empty containers in the trash.
Soon after another nurse called me back. There was no changing room and instead i was taken to a room with a bed and a large circular machine. She set by bags on a chair, helped my lay with my back on the table and wings outstretched. Then she connected a plastic tube to the needle in my neck and ran to a machine with a large tube of clear liquid. She left the room and the table moved to be situated in the middle of the circle. There were speakers they talked to me through and the ceiling was covered in stars, even if they were just small lights against a black backdrop.
The table moved me in and out of the circle while it made a whirring sound. Sometimes they told me to hold my breath. After maybe ten minutes of that they announced “injecting dye” over the speakers. The feeling of warmth started and my neck before spreading to the rest of my body. It felt fake and a bit hot but also not bad in the chilled room. They repeated the first half then announced I was done. The nurse came back out, replaced the needle with a bandage and that was that. Outside of being told to drink plenty of fluids to flush the dye out of my system.
I was so happy to get back out into the fresh air. I pulled out that beautiful red apple as it glistened in the sun and took a bite, letting the nectar dribble down my chin.
***
The MRI a few days later was much the same except the circle of machine covered my body, was tighter than a coffin and loud as a jackhammer. It lasted an hour with two different injections and a bit of claustrophobia. There was a button I could press if it got to bad. It was tempting as I started to freak out, but I just wanted the stupid test over with and not to have to repeat any part of it.
All that was left now was to wait for the results.
I sat in the exam room, waiting. It felt like an hour had already passed. Where the buck is he? I yelled internally. Tapping on my phone to check the time, it hadn't changed since the last time. 1:55pm for an appointment at 2pm. It would continue to move just as slowly. Didn’t matter, I was feeling better. I should just leave instead of waste his time. I thought to myself. But, they had already taken my weight and blood pressure and all that other stuff, the nurses might have even tried to stop me.
I checked the phone again, 1:56pm. About that time, someone knocked on and opened the door. In walked Doctor Ivanov all in white, he promptly sat down on his chair by the computer; body language telling me all I needed to know. He sat forward towards me and not his computer, hands folded with elbows resting on his knees. My first reaction was to jump up and run out. There was some jumble of words emanating from his mouth, one of them being cancer.
The room felt warm and whirly, breaths came short and shallow, vision blurred and became spotty, felt my body rock and lips tingle. Then the floor came up to greet me. Somewhere out there a burly voice yelled for a nurse.
***
Then I was laying on the room’s bed really lightheaded. “What” *cough* “happened?” I was really weak and could barely move.
“You passed out.” Doctor Ivanov said. “I can come back later when you are feeling better, let you rest some more.” He waited for my response.
There was something cold on my neck, and I heard the rustling of a person behind me and realized it had to be a nurse in case something happened. I moved my hooves to sit up, they refused. It’s probably better to stay laying down anyway, just in case. “No.” My voice was thready even to me. “I can do this.” There could be no running away.
“Okay.” He gave an understanding nod and looked me in the eyes. “You have bladder cancer, it is why you were peeing blood. The bad news is that it has spread beyond the local area. It has metastasized to your lymph nodes and spine.”
“Is that bad?” My voice was quivering, even ponies knew that was not good.
“I have seen worse that lived.” He reassured me, or tried to. I didn’t know how much to believe.
“So what now?”
“We will have you in next week to place a portacath, it's like a semi-permanent IV, and the week after we have you scheduled to start chemo. Expect a call within the next few days to confirm and give you directions.”
Then a different thought occured to me. I shot stock straight, ignoring my body’s protests. “Do I have to quite school??” I couldn’t risk that, I was almost done and without school there was no idea where I would have to go.
“We will have to see as it goes along. Do you have any other questions?”
“No…” I didn’t even know WHAT to ask.
“Okay, you can rest in here until you are ready to leave.” The doctor stood up. “Do not hesitate to call my assistant if you have any questions.” “T-thank you.”
***
I wandered around Westwood, the local area. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment, I didn’t want to stay still. There was something warm and wet on my cheeks.
I sent my parents a letter while I was out, there was no way to call them, they never used a computer. But delivery was incredibly slow through the portal, it could be months before it arrived. All I wanted was a hug. I couldn’t afford a plane ticket or the time away from school. I also knew that I could never handle their expressions, there was no way.
Eventually I stumbled back to my apartment after dark, mostly running on autopilot, the place was empty. I practically collapsed in the elevator, we lived on the third floor which allowed for a decent view and a breeze. Then stumbled to my room and just collapsed on the bed.
At some point I woke up, blinds wide open with a cool breeze through the window. Moonlight pasted the room in a calming sheen. I felt a little better.Off in the other side of the room lay my roommate, a griffon named Brightbeak. It had to be early morning for him to be asleep.
I tried to get out of bed but my hooves got on the blankets and fhus face planted into the floor. I had no memory of wrapping myself up. Carefully rolling up the sheets I noticed a pink letter on my nightstand. The moonlight allowed me to read it without turning on a light.
There is some chrysanthemum soup in the fridge for you. You owe me by the way. This was your night to cook.
I awoke to a white room. It was incredibly bright and should have been blinding but it wasn’t, nor did it cast any shadows. The room could have stretched for six feet or an eternity and I would have no way to know until my snout hit a wall.
I sat and looked around for several minutes and nothing changed. I reached out a hoof and felt nothing. There was no scent of the air, no wind through the mane, not even the sound of my own breathing. It was a void.
“HELLO!?!?!” I shouted into the ether with only silence as a reply. Not even just a reply, the only reason I heard my own voice was that it traveled through my head in vibrations, it never visited my ears through the air. Air was there, I had no trouble breathing. I also didn’t panic, it was perfectly calm. “Might as well go for a jaunt.” I laughed, it was as if all weight were lifted from my shoulders.
I tried to remember if I had ever seen a place like this but my memory failed to load. I knew who I was in every detail, but not how I came to be that pony. That must have been the cause of my ease.
***
I stretched. Enjoying the solitude. Not caring how long it had been.
“hehehehe.”
I jumped, Heart pounding. There was no one in any direction, still nothing on the air. Yet that voice sent chills down my spines and into my feathers. Vague twinges of nausea hit my lower abdomen and fear continued to settle and pick at my hindbrain.
“HeHeHeHe!” Much closer, right in my ear. I quickly turned to nothing as a claw slithered down my back.
I jumped again, this time scooting backwards and darting my head around. The white expanse no longer felt safe, it felt dangerous. As if the monster could come out of nothing and strike. It would never do so quickly, it was a silent and cunning creature.
A memory of what it was flitted through my brain, catching glimpses of what it meant, but never enough, just more bright white.
*BANG* *CRASH* Rang out when I finally started to grasp it, followed by a light, sharp ring and glass tinkling to the floor followed by a wave of fetid wind. On the far wall only a dozen feet from me was a writhing mass pushing through and sending cracks in every direction.
*drip* *drip* *drip*
A puddle started to form, inky black. It looked harmless like a pool of dark water unless you looked close and saw the jagged spikes covering it.
Once it was a foot across an arm shot out, slowly pulling a body and a head how. How to describe it though. I was intimately familiar with it yet had no way to describe the abject terror it caused.
It was eight feet tall, two legs, two arms, 5 digits on each. It might have looked human except everything ended in sharp talons, ichor dripping off its entire body; and despite dripping globs of black as it padded closer and closer with deep squelching noises, the body looked like patches of shattered glass thrown together.
Warm tears fell down my cheeks, snot dripped down my muzzle, I could taste both. As well as bitter bile spreading up my throat.
Jagged teeth clear and shiny and razor sharp came out as another laugh howled through my head. It reached out a jagged claw and gripped the underside of my jaw.
It was going to kill me…
Oh no my sweet little pony, it will not be quick, it will not be now. It will be over months of regular meetings and we are the best of friends, you will take me everywhere with you as you slowly disappear.
The black liquid had pooled along the ground. I could see it trying to stretch around me with the corners of my eyes.
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I let out a shrieking sob.
“I DON’T WANT THIS! I WILL LIVE!”
***
My wing twitched, fully extended, and flung me off my twin size bed. While it would normally be more than large enough for my frame, I spread out so much that it was too small anymore. Below my chin was a pile of vomit, its rank odor filled my nose. I covered my eyes with my wings, unable to miss how they no longer contained any feathers. The rest of my body no longer had any fur or hair either. The tears refused to stop. I wanted to curl up in a ball and quit, with everything in me I wanted to.
Everything hurt, my bones hurt from the neulasta in such severity like they were exploding in my limbs and back. My head hurt like hell to any possible sounds or movement. I could barely stand or walk and if I had been a biped I would only get places by crawling or moving like a worm. The mere thought of food would make me violently ill and puke. Water tasted so metallic as to be undrinkable. And I was doing it to myself. Every other monday I went in for Doxorubicine infusions using a permanent IV placed in my chest.
I would suffer for a week and then feel somewhat normal before I had to walk myself back in for more. I knew it would work and was worth it, and that I would continue to do it no matter how much I didn’t want to.
“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll clean up.” My roommate spoke from his bed. I had woken him up again.
“Ugh” I muddled and somehow walked to the bathroom, only to puke again in the toilet and fell asleep on the bathroom floor with only one thought in my head. How nice and cool it was on the tile.
***
I awoke some time later and made my way back to bed, on the little nightstand was a pile of anti nausea meds, a gatorade, and a fried lotus which were somehow never a problem to eat. They were placed there by the same griffin who made my bed and cleaned my mess and would undoubtedly be walking me to chemo again next monday.
