Side (semi-canon) story to Starlight over Detrot: a noir tale
Hard Boiled's life has taken a really rough turn of events since the demise of Ruby Blue. Dying is actually quite far from the top of that list. But everyone needs a break once in a while, be they an undead detective with a colt's soul in his transplant heart or a partially transformed biomagical killing machine.
Thing is, long vacations are such a hassle to organize, so a night out is the best he can do on short notice. With that, he's decided to make good on a deal he's made with his partner: Swift Cuddles will go on a date with the Warden of Tartarus, the constantly burning mare on fire, if he goes on the date with her best friend, the prissy secretary of the Vivarium with a huge crush on Hardy himself, Scarlet Petals.
Special thanks to Chessie and crew for making the story that's gotten me hooked enough to write my first fanfic for this site.
DUDE it's you. You are the dude who caught up with the Starlight Over Detrot story some months (i think) and wrote that awesome comment on in story relationships. And now your here. And I am grinning like an idiot.
This story is amazing for what it is. This story keeps a set of amazing characters perfectly in character (amazing work on that btw), keeping the tone of the original story really well and bringing the full force of your original comment to bear at the same time. I remember that Lim househusband comment, I remember the Juniper argument and the Lily Blue argument and it is just amazing to see how much effort you have put into this. I pretty much went
when I saw that it was you that had written this because I remembered your comment.
It deserves a mustache.
This story, had it been released by Chessie, I...I... I simply would not have had any doubts that it would have been written by them. It is that spot on with the rest of Starlight and well written that I would not doubt it. I love it.
However, with this story being what it is I am not sure that it shows how good of a writer you are. This story is a fanfiction for an existing story and even though it is amazingly written and done entirely by you, it is not a you original. You have showed with this story an amazing ability to write but all of this story is in a way imitated (why does "imitated" have to sound so negative, I don't want want it to), this story follows another authors frame (a really good one's at that).
This here story is as I said, amazing for what it is. But my question is: Could you bring this level of writing into a story with your characters, your universe and your plot? Because if you could, that would be a story I would look forward to reading as much as I look forward to reading Starlight Over Detrot. And I literally squee at every update of that story.
Now then, on to the rest of the comment. Take heart brave adventurers, for the end is not far off.
I can't make sense of this sentence. Check if that was what you intended.
This was left in. It felt out of place. I wanted you to note that.
I feel like this sentence came out wrong. Look it over.
And on the issue of formatting I can only agree. It does look a bit weird, especially at the one sentence paragraphs (with all that empty space in between the last few it's a wonder I don't hear an echo).
And to finish of, I pressed the like button on my side but it didn't respond. So even if you don't see any, know that there is one.
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Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it.
Date Night was actually Chessie's original idea. I first went to them offering to write a story they'd wanted to but couldn't fit into the main one, for practice reasons, and Date Night with some points came up. At the time I actually had another idea for a Hardy/Juniper case involving Love Poisoning, since we had the Stained Glass Killer I wanted to explore a more psychological type of villain. Though that idea is quite barebones at the moment since I haven't worked on it at all outside of some loose scenes and plot points I want to include.
Sadly, with some upcoming things I won't be able to write, most certainly not finishing that second idea anytime soon.
I've edited those typos, and as for formatting I think it's because I originally wrote it on google docs, then downloaded it as a .docx to make it easier to remove the outline headers, before then copy pasting it onto fimfic itself. Far as I could tell at the time, there was only an import for .rtf, and fimfic appears to automatically insert a single line between every paragraph as well, so things are bigger than they're supposed to.
I'll call this one a decent read for a first attempt. Everyone seemed to be mostly in character, no real strains on my suspension of belief, and only a few spots broke up my reading flow. The closest to a complaint I have is some of the tense choices in the descriptions used present instead of past, but that could be a style choice different then what I'm used to so i won't complain to much. All the rest just involve the characters acting different then I'd expect, but that's all your call as the author so again i won't complain to loudly.
So while I probably won't put it in my favs, have a friendly thumbs up and keep moving forwards.
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I agree, Chessie's style and mine do have their differences, though I've tried to emulate it some here.
I'm interested in hearing what you have to say about having them act different though. Like I said, for some characters they just weren't too developed for me to know every in and out, meaning that some of their interactions had to be made up by me. But the main group of Hardy, Swift, Taxi, and Limerence are very well established though, so I want to hear if I've written them inaccurately.
Chessie sent me...
The
bow tieauto-strangulation device and management leash fit snuglyFTFY...
Love that turn of phrase. Hmmm... So many options available for "turning":
"That would be the razor tape behind the brim of your bowler, the push-dagger under your bowler, the tantos in your mane, the serrated garotte in your bow-tie, the butterfly knifes on the outside of your vest, the dirks on the inside, the Fairbairn-Sykes on the inside of your right, front leg, the karambits on the inside of your right front, the throwing knives on your hind legs, the smatchet in a subspace pocket above your groin, the daggers in you tail, the lock-back spurs on each of your four horseshoes, and the double razor blade between your left molars and cheek, yes?"
"..."
Although I am nit sure who would be worse off. One "smile" from Swift is guaranteed to take the starch out of the friskiest stallion's trousers.
"Hey there hot stuff! What say you and I adjurt to one of the rooms with the pudding and—OH SWEET CELETIA! TEETHTEETHTEETHTEETHTEETH! HELP! HELP! HELP! MOOOONSTER! I AM GONNA DIIIEEEE!"
The rhinestones on the other hoof...
Sorry warden, the kitchen is fresh out of schadenfreude and revenge just would not work with your...unique...constitution. After all, everypony knows it is best served cold.
Indeed. Taxi and Lim probably got so many volunteers that they could film the full date in fully immersive 360° 4K video.
This seems like the birthday equivalent of a "screamer" video.
It is never "just" beets: those nasty things dye your insides which means when you use the loo the following day, everything will be a deep, rich red colour. That can be quite unnerving and worrisome if you are not expecting it...
Never change Scarlet. Never change.
...Although come to think of it, if Scarlet's double entendre was true, that raises some really disturbing implications...
What are you talking about Warden? Scarlet is the most normal pony present:
A feminine, cross-dressing stallion secretary to a dragon madame is hardly remarkable in such august company
Do not insult inbred toilet bowls like that! They have got nothing on that nasty black sludge that water sprinkler systems are filled with. I suspect it is the bile of claims lawyers...
Remember, it is not true tango unless the bloke is three centimetres from an embarrassing injury and the woman one from a lawsuit.
I wonder if famous Equestrian military ponies ever experienced their likeness being used in toys and games: Shining has his own character in the new 47ALR Ogres 'n' Oubliettes edition and Warden has a series of cards in Swifts
MtGcard game...Something tells me this is going to be beyond mere "spicy" and into the "Johnny Cash" levels of heat...
Yup
I dunno Hardy. I think Swift here can speak with some authority. What about Tourniquet?
All in all this was quite good. Certainly has the je ne sais quoi as the source. I certainly enjoyed reading it.
The only thing that hurt the flow were the shifts from limited first person to omniscient third person view points (the bits with Limerance and Taxi come to mind). That came as a bit of a sudden, abrupt surprise, and I often found myself thinking "How did Hardy get over there all the sudden?".
Other than that issue, I had a fun time reading this.
Did pretty good here. You're going to want some editors to beat you with a stick until you stop writing in third person omniscient. Also pick some more aggressive verbs and stop using 'very'. Ever. Pick a consistent tense and stick to it religiously. If something happened in the past, make sure it is in the past.
The characters work and this is a nice piece. Good work, mate.
-Chessie
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Well I can say I didn't notice at the time that I was switching tenses so often, or my large use of "very" either, so I'll note those.
Though I'd like elaboration on the third person omniscient parts. Are you referring to the Taxi and Limerence segments? Since Hardy's parts are all in first person, I'm not sure how I could do the parts with completely separate characters in any other way. I'd wrote this in gdocs, with headers for the outline after every scene change so those parts would have been much clearer defined. Should I have left the scene headers in?
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It's the Vivarium though, with enough time and patience a client who's into that will be found.
I like to think that somewhere, somehow, Queenie is broadcasting the entire thing in the Viavirum for the rest to see. Movie night, if you will.
About the third person omniscient, in an other comment I'd said how I'd originally written it on google docs with outline headers, then removed those and copy pasted it into here. I don't want to remove the Taxi and Limerence segments, but looking through again now I can understand the change would be quite abrupt since Hardy's parts are all in first person. Would it have helped if I'd actually left those in, instead? Or perhaps some other way to make the distinction more clear?
8294741 Take some deep breaths. You did good. It's a good story.
-Chessie
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Oh, I thought you got the core four fairly solid. It was just a few interactions that stretched things for me. Although they could be explained that things are no longer in dire peril so that counts for some slack. There wasn't a lot of dark, gallows humor from Hardy for example.
Some of the more concrete examples started off with Swift being absolutely fine with the Warden. I know she has been steadily raising her Sanity Points and her Levels in Badass, but I figured she might still be a bit off with the crazy burning power pony who seems to have an interest in her.
Next was Junipers appearance while Hardy was still fine and conscious, I cannot remember him appearing before Hardy when he didn't have a dire warning to deliver or when Hardy wasn't unconscious. But that could also be that there aren't as many things to worry about besides Hardy's well being and he's trying to be a good friend before he leaves for good.
Lastly was Hardy's reactions to Scarlet. If it wasn't for the last chapter of Starlight then I would think this was completely out of charter. Hardy has never really shown himself as attracted to Stallions, and I do not think Juniper counts as they were close partners who kept each other sane. Every other time Scarlet has tried something Hardy has had to either quickly shut him down or beat him back with the proverbial stick so the bit at the end stretched things a bit for me.
You know, I think I just realized what threw me off most of all. It's the fact that you have them as mostly sane and normal ponies now. I think we've all grown so used to them as dysfunctional, broken individuals who can only really get by because of each other and turned them into more grounded and potentially productive members of society. It might be that they changed since the crisis has been resolved, and that is completely your prerogative as the author so it wasn't completely unexpected, but still a bit off. Still a fun read though.
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I suppose in the end this whole thing was intended for an ambiguous "after the end" place in the timeline. Some of the personality issues would be resolved or gotten over, things are looking brighter for everyone, etc.
Well as for Hardy being attracted to stallions I believe it's more of a thing that never truly crossed his mind that often. At the very least any 'attraction' to his own gender would not have any sexual reasons involved if does ever happen. In Scarlet's case I recall he was just that pretty when he first appeared. Though I wonder if Juniper were more outgoing perhaps things might be different, an "if it's you it's okay" kinda thing.
But the last point makes me realize that the reason I was so worried about writing them wrong is because of exactly that. I don't instinctively know how to write a "broken" personality. Though I've known plenty. Trying to write as if I were in their shoes kinda feels like me writing me with hints of their personality.
I'll readily admit that darker stuff doesn't come easily to me, comedy and slice of life are genres I tend to read and watch most. I can intellectually enjoy mysteries and thrillers and the like too, but if I were to try making one of my own I'm afraid that spark of creativity just doesn't come to me like it does the others. Let alone horror and gore.
But I guess that's just practice...
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Like Chessie said, don't worry about it to much. You did a good story and pretty phenomenal for a first time. I'll admit that my own story, which I haven't even finished yet, isn't as good as what you have here.
If this had been an separate original piece, then the only complaint I'd have would be about the tence's early on. And for a fan fiction work of a fan fiction work which takes a light and colorful world off talking ponies and turned it into a dark noir detective tale, that's a lot of constraining factors to keep straight and hit just right. So while you might not have scored a direct bullseye, I'd still call it close enough to be a sharpshooter.
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I understand, it's still pretty good despite it's flaws. But I don't plan for this to be my only one, so I'll need to get better.
I've got only one other idea set in the Starlight world, a Hardy and Juniper case file that's likely gonna take a cue from the nightmare night story and be based off a holiday.
Sure I don't have enough free time to write it all out, but I do wanna do as much as I can before I can't do anymore.
8296395 What's important is that you finished this story. Finishing is the hardest, most important thing you can do as a writer. Keep plugging away until it is done.
-Chessie
Okay no, this isn't fair! (Like I'm one to talk) This can't be your only story so far because now I've read it and I want moooore. And not another writer's story but yours in particular because anyone who can dedicate so much effort into mirroring the style of another is certainly smart enough to be able to create their own. Hell, even by trial and error. I strongly encourage you to write something, anything, in the next year and you can bet your sweet, big-hearted boots that I'll be there to read it. The turns of phrase, the situations, the dialogue, and, by all things good and holy, the length! Well worth the read. Admittedly, I did use the text to speech function but that was so I could still read while cooking breakfast because I didn't want to put it down! Okay, I'll ease up on the exclamations now. Feel free to throw me a line if you need an editor or even just another set of eyes on something.
Much Luv
TAM
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Thanks for the feedback!
This was my first real try at conventional fiction, but I'm sure there's been some lessons learned here that'll help me out later.
Have you read Starlight before? One thing I'll readily admit is that it's a little scary writing the characters of another, the constant worry that they're being OOC or untrue to their personality.
Hoooly hell. Just looked up Starlight and jeeyeezus that's a big 'un! Wow. That's some dedicated writing on Chessie's part. I am in awe.
So yeah, that's a no. I've not read that biblical giant. But even if the characterization is off, what you have here kept my interest the whole way through. Not just kept, captivated.
One of my favorite comments to get is how much what I've written sounds like it could be canon. I definitely can appreciate the time and effort it takes to try and make sure you got the character right, cross referencing against the subject material and trying to come up with something new is a daunting challenge. That being said, I'm of the opinion that even OOC stuff can be excused if the story and characterization is entertaining. Although, I don't see how one could read a story that long and not get a deep enough understanding of the characters to have them practically acting out scenes in your sleep!
I cannot believe that this only has 560 views. It's the perfect balm for those that love the main story, but need a moment when bad things aren't happening to the characters. Based on what you have here, I would read your rendition of "Hard Boiled Buys a Loaf of Bread."
This story was... full of surprises. First, you have that scene in the bathroom with Juniper, which I think was possibly the most well-crafted and emotional one out of all of the exchanges ive read so far in the main story. Then, you have that ending. I’ll just say it was very masterfully done, as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who decides to read the comments before the story. Bravo.
Izzit perfect? No. I'd argue that some of the characters feel a little... Too me.
It feels skippy. But... They still feel kind of like they're supposed to. I don't think anyone reasonable will be able to replicate SoD (Chessie makes uses of mind altering substances apparently).
Feeling a solid 6.5/10 on this one. Clipped the walls a little and maybe left a few dents in the everything, but you still made it, y know?