Chapter 11

Rainbow Dash Does Her Taxes

Ponyville, that esoteric hamlet, was a bipolar place. It often experienced periods of cataclysmic strife; few localities of a comparable size could claim to have hosted multiple clashes between cosmic entities to determine the fate of the universe. And then, a week later, after everything had been cleaned up and the holes in everyone's walls had been mended, the town would go back to being a peaceful, quiet village. All its ponies would go about their business with a skip in their step and a song in their heart. Today, according to all of those ponies, was a peaceful, quiet day. All, save for one.

Rainbow Dash, ace weatherpony and Wonderbolt Reservist, six (or seven; who counts these things anyway?) time assistant savior of the entire world, and the coolest pony in Ponyville by a country mile, was facing down her deadliest enemy yet.

Most of her enemies thus far had taken suitably terrifying names. Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, Tirek- these sorts of monikers. And they tended to arrive in a spectacular fashion. Crashing weddings with a shapeshifting army; destroying entire buildings with blasts of magic; turning the color blue into ducks; that sort of thing. The foe in front of her today, however, had arrived in an envelope, which had to rank pretty low on the list of dramatic entrances. And its name was Equestrian Revenue Service Form 1040P. But make no mistake: never before had Rainbow Dash come this close to defeat.

"Ok... uh, Section 16A... dependants..." the cyan flappy horse muttered to herself around the pen that was between her teeth. The form stared back at her, glowering angrily. Or rather, it would have been, if it had eyes.

Rainbow Dash pondered this, and endeavoured to draw pupils and angry eyebrows on the zeroes at the top of the page, turning it into a Form 1ಠ4ಠP. The fact that the form was now literally, rather than figuratively, glaring at her did not help matters. With a sigh, she started to fill out blocks 16A through 16G. This, at least, was simple; she didn't have any dependants, even if Scootaloo would have very much liked to rectify that situation. Turtles didn't count as dependants, as far as Rainbow Dash knew- which was pretty far, since Fluttershy had told her that the last time she did her taxes.

Last time, though, she'd had Twilight to help her. This time, it was just Rainbow and the 1040P, which had resumed its less-glowering name now that she'd turned the page over. Rainbow was never big on doing her taxes; when she became old enough that she had to do it, she'd had help. First from Fluttershy, who was very fastidious about getting tax breaks from her animal shelter business; and then from Twilight, who was generally good at filling out forms and checking boxes. Fluttershy, however, was busy; and Twilight was out of town on Princess business.

Stupid monarchy.

Rainbow had had a hard enough time asking those two for help, year after year. She didn't fancy having to ask Rarity, who would probably turn it into some kind of favor the next time she needed somepony to model a dress or twelve. The same probably held true for Applejack, who was in all likelihood busy- it was a hectic time of year at Sweet Apple Acres, after all, and Rainbow knew that filling out tax forms for a farm was a lot harder than what she had to do. The same held true for Pinkie Pie, who, despite her antics and carefree demeanor, was surprisingly good about paperwork and keeping good records, at least when it came to her party business. For a brief moment, Rainbow considered asking Starlight for help- and then remembered the last time Twilight's megalomaniacal student had become overwhelmed with paperwork.

Also, asking Applejack was extra impossible, because Rainbow had already told her that she'd finished her taxes weeks ago. Of course, that was a lie- but AJ was the element of Honesty, not her. Besides, Rainbow had been sleeping in the apple trees when her earth pony friend had confronted her about tax season. And, as it turns out, Applejack didn't like being lied to! Who'd have thought, right? So Rainbow wasn't eager to have her find out the truth now.

Rainbow Dash flipped over the page, and saw Section 18A, which read "Itemized Deductions". She slowly turned her head to look at the disorganized mess she referred to as a 'paperwork box', which consisted of a cardboard box into which she haphazardly tossed any papers worth saving. A few long moments of staring later, she sighed a long, low, growling sigh.

Starlight Glimmer was starting to sound like a good idea after all.

~ ~ ~

"Um... actually, Starlight, I don't think-"

"Nononono, it's fine, everything's fine, don't worry about it! I told you I'd help you with your taxes, and that's exactly what I intend to do!"

"Right, right... it's just that Twilight never draws any summoning circles when she helps me."

"Don't worry, Rainbow Dash, I totally know what I'm doing. Twilight always says I'm great at magic!"

~ ~ ~

"SPIKE HELP I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT I'M DOING"

~ ~ ~

"It's got me in its maw! I can feel the paper cuts! Aaaaargh!"

"You're not really supposed to just say 'aaaaargh'. It's more of a spur-of-the-moment expression."

"Spike, that's not helping!"

~ ~ ~

Six hours later, as the sunset's last crepuscular rays faded into violet half-darkness, the last of the fires was finally extinguished. Only the timely intervention of the Royal Guard had managed to turn the tide against the book demons, though admittedly it was all, in essence, a holding action; once Twilight returned to find a bibiliophagic demon inhabiting her precious library, she made short work of the entire affair. The damage was extensive, but ultimately mostly superficial, save for the spire of the Castle of Friendship snapped clean off and embedded in the side of a barn. Depite the smoke still wafting through the streets of Ponyville, the occasional broken window, and the upturned carts in the marketplace, everything was mostly okay. Mostly. Rainbow Dash and Starlight Glimmer would also be okay, eventually. Twilight had chewed them both out, although Starlight got the worst of it. Her rant had occupied the last half hour. Finally, finishing with Starlight, she rounded on Rainbow.

"And you, Rainbow Danger Dash!" exclaimed Twilight. "I expected better of you!" The pegasus braced herself for a tirade, and went to defend herself.

"Twilight, taxes are due tomorrow! I had to do something to-" She was cut off by a raised hoof, which was then applied forcefully to its owner's face.

"Rainbow... taxes aren't due until next week."

The silence was palpable.

"...please don't actually send me to the moon..." said Starlight.

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forbloodysummer

forbloodysummer #1 · Mar 25th, 2017 · · ·

...turning the color blue into ducks...

So Rainbow is self-employed in this, rather than the Wonderbolts or the Weather Pony Agency (?) having their own tax ponies in their payroll department?

Good story, I was all set for it to be about finding the humour in dull tasks as it was at the beginning, and then you mixed it up with Starlight which gave some kick.

Level Dasher

Level Dasher #2 · Mar 25th, 2017 · · ·

I think this deserves the [random] tag. Funny as hell, though.

ThePoneDrome

ThePoneDrome #3 · Mar 25th, 2017 · · ·

Oh man, this gave me a chuckle. Good job, have a .

zanderlex

zanderlex #4 · Mar 25th, 2017 · · ·

I laughed hysterically twice before I read this, first at the title and then at Chapter 11.

Also

...turning the color blue into ducks...

Just fantastic.

SWEETOLEBOB18

SWEETOLEBOB18 #5 · Mar 25th, 2017 · · ·

Could have been worse
I remember the comic strip Pogo, one of the characters was telling the other that he is ignoring millions in deductions
"Look at this '...having a deceased spouse gains the benefit of a joint return for the fiscal year"
"What does that even mean?"
"If you marry a dead woman, you get (fiscal year x standard deduction = $) off the top of your taxes. Quite a savings"

Enigmatic Otaku