An earth pony, born with a unique ability to move faster than most eyes can track, is forced by an unfortunate circumstance to become a thief. His speed and skill at theft lead him to become an infamous figure in Canterlot as he continues to pull greater heists and slowly becomes more and more bound to his "thief" persona. This arrogant figure, is led by his ego to even steal from princess Celestia herself. However, the princess decides to take matters into her own hooves and tracks the thief; learning about his troubled past in the process.
Chapters (2)
However, the princess decides to take matters into her own hands and tracks the thief
into her own hands
hands
Sorry, always wanted to do that
Checking it out now.
al·a·bas·ter [al-uh-bas-ter, -bah-ster]
noun
1. a finely granular variety of gypsum.
I do not think that word means what you think it means. While alabaster is white, using it in that context makes little sense. Moving forward.
I'm tempted to call Thief a Mary Sue. I won't, because I've seen actual Mary Sues, and they're a lot worse than what was shown here. Still, let's not waste too much time, I certainly don't want to waste any time you do have.
Let's move straight onto the character of Thief anyway, while I'm on the subject. Thief is probably one of the most conflicting characters I've ever had to examine, so give yourself props for that.
First up, Flash stepping. I've always like flash stepping. Anyway, the ability to flash step without magic would automatically apply Thief to the Mary Sue institute in my books, however, since his flash stepping does have a limit on it, I'm apprehensive about his Sue status. Perhaps if you elaborated more on the side effects of flash stepping his ability would seem less over powered.
At the moment he appears to be shaping up to be a stereotypical teenage thief, with a cocky attitude and lust for danger. I don't want this to happen, so it would be a wise idea to apply some other form of characterisation alongside that. This will most likely help develop him characterwise, as well as adding more depth.
Also, before I forget, you've never described what he looked like. While this is most likely intentional, it is still a pet peeve of mind when writers forget to include a description of what their characters look like.
Grammar could use some work, though you've shown that you're pretty good with grammar, so all you need to do is proof read your work before you submit it. Just iron out all the mistakes. It also wouldn't hurt too much to consider rewriting some sentences.
"He slipped behind her and tapped her side, when she turned to see he had already reappeared on her other side and swiped an apple."
This is an example of awkward phrasing. I feel that this fiction would be easier to read if you made transitions like this more cleanly.
Also, hold back on the ellipses. You have way too many for a story this size.
Plot is slightly cliched, but I have yet to see an MLP version of it, so you have my regards there.
All in all, a pretty good effort. Remove the authors note though. Author note's are never a good idea, unless they are separate from the story.
As for names, let me think. Ranging from the stupidest to the smartest, in no particular order: Sticky Hooves, Cat Burglar, Cat Feet, Flash Step and Doug.
Good job
Nazkan
P.S. "The thief continued to laugh until he spotted a guard approaching with a stern look on his face."
Did the guard look like this?
a2.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/152/efd24227964b4ecda58a34ce7a330fcc/l.jpg
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Damnit, I completely missed that
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Thanks for the advice, regarding flash-stepping: its bad m'kay?(read that in mr mackey's voice). As for the thief himself...ya' know the gray fox from tes: oblivion? Its like that, mask on= thief, mask off= not a complete jerk. Except my thief doesn't wear a mask; its metaphorical. Or does he....no, no mask. Upon further review I don't like that idea.
Vague description was intentional, its more about the mindset of the character as it evolves rather than physcal aittributes(good call).
For the sake of convenience; let's assume I agree with everything else and I do have quite a few edits I need to make. My Thanks
he's a cocky petty little theif. i like
!, but in all seriousness great fic, i normally don't tolerate swearing in fics but this is fine because it suits the fic and clestia didnt swear (i hate it when main characters swear)
Here's a couple names for the thief.
Swift Hoof
Grand Theft
Princess Fucker
The Shrouded Rush or The Shrouded Stallion
Yea I suck at thinking of names
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I never said that flash stepping was bad, I simply said that you need to handle it carefully or it will become bad. Handled well, flash stepping becomes one of the most awesome things in fiction.
Also, I've never seen Tes: Oblivion, but I think I can gather the basic gist of what you're doing. Separating his attitudes between work and living seems like a pretty smart idea.
My regards
Nazkan
I don't suppose your lovely little theif would like a spot in the Equestrian Thieves Guild? (a.k.a A cameo in my story?)
Also. For a name. Why not do a one word name? Like Swift. Silence. Shadow. Or hell. Theif.
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Which story? I'm interested in reading it
882291 For now that's simply what our group calls us. The actual thieves guild will come up later, which would give us a decent amount of time to plan out a crossover. It's An Alcoholic's recollection of Equestria.
Interesting enough. Tracked.
Although, seriously, he's a huge dude in a black cloak, how does he blend into e crowd.
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He's not a giant. Taller than say...fancy pants or fleur, but shorter than celestia. And its a bigass crowd, no(pony) cares
SO EPIC
you did it media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4zy3kqhhN1r1i17k.jpg
Here is a thief name: Venik Kilgor