Discord has a day when Fluttershy has gone to visit Tree Hugger. Who will he consider hanging out with? What antics might he get up to? And will Fluttershy have to return to sort out the chaos? Read to find out!
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Discorded Imagination
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You have a good set up. Perhaps Fluttershy tried to mail a letter to Discord, but it ended up getting lost on the way to his house. Can't wait to see what's next.
I'm on the phone right now, and I would like to write the full review on a keyboard.
For now, I'll just say something about the cover of the story (except that I just finished reading it and I liked many things about it)
First things first, the title. To be honest, I'm not very bright when it's about titles but yours looks pretty good. My only concern is that it isn't very appropriate if you tell the story from Discord's point of view, since every day is discorded for him already, but I'm just being pedantic.
Disclaimer: I'm going to be as pedantic as I can.
E rating. My favorite, personally, but it doesn't appeal other health like the M tag does.
Next thing: there is no cover image. In this site, images mean views.
Good cover images = more views.
No cover images = no more views.
But you can skip this one if you don't care about visibility.
About the description, I'll repeat something that I read in a guide: don't limit to use only questions. Readers are only going to answer yes at each one, and the final result will be something like:
Hope I'm not being too brush. Full review of the first chapter soon.
It seems a little bit telly, but really not too bad for a first story. The one thing I would change, however, would be that you are using "Discord" a lot more than necessary. Since it is mostly a conversation between two people, both different genders, I would recommend replacing a couple of the "Discords" with "he."
Otherwise, it is pretty good.
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I found it pretty useful, And I'll suggest you for giving it just a quick glance.
All right, let's get started!
This is kind of a tongue-twister for me. I like that.
Um, but I think that it should be "were" and not "was". You're referring to violins and chaotic nonsense. Plural.
This is a run on sentence, you can't join two different sentences and then do it again and always using the same joint and without using a proper punctuation. Here is how I think you should have done it:
"Discord snapped up a purple sofa and sat on it. Then, he snapped up a ball of pink yarn and began to knit something completely random, without much care or thought, as he dwelled on who he could hang with."
See? Same words, better pacing. And the meaning is also clearer. (The two last commas are optional, more a matter of style than anything)
I know that this is Discord, but I think you meant that he searched into his mind. Prepositions are important.
Really? Those are his intentions? I mean, I adore Discord but he's an imposing jerk.
Cutting short about the next part, you are way too explanatory. Especially for someone like Discord. You pointed out all the reasons why he should or should not hang out with a specified pony, but it was a line of thought way too regular. Also, you tend to repeat yourself (love for sighing and kitting is clear to the world now).
Again, this is a run on sentence.
"Discord growled as sunlight pierced past his door and into his realm, he hated when his feelings were wrong about something"
If this was a thriller, perhaps an investigation to discover a mystery, this would be ok. If the character was a pondering one, like Twilight, this would be ok. Otherwise, if you were trying to make Discord look like a fool because he's putting too much effort in something silly, like an out of place interrogatory to discover who ate his yogurt, this would be ok.
But for this chapter? It was just slow.
So, there is a strange indentation when Pinkie says "Hi" that occours again leter, I don't know if you did it on purpose. Also, even if I adore the last line, you just wrote that Discord wanted to prank Dash twice. There's really no reason to repeat that, I'd rather leave the first line vaguer.
Speaking of the first line, you completely missed the comedy momentum. Add a little paragraph for the comic reversal.
No pony had even seen him exit from his realm yet.
Or so he thought.
“Hi,” greeted Pinkie with a smile and a wave.
Oh hay no!
You can say that they're yellow, that they're mismatched, even that they're frightening. But don't you dare say that his eyes are ugly!
I think you meant noticed. However, I would like to insist on what I said. You're too explanatory, and it has two downsides: first, you end writing the same thing twice (Discord voices his thought right after you explained them, it's no fun) and second, it doesn't marry Discord personality. He has a random attitude, linear thougth are parallels to him.
This one is all wrong. For starters, I don't understand if it's two different paragraphs and, if not, why you interrupted the line. I'll just give you how I would have wrote it:
“I throw a pastry and a pie up to you, you catch it in mid-air and then throw it at Dashie,” revealed Pinkie. “Aim for the face and it’s guaranteed she's going to be mad. She’ll chase us for sure. Then, when we’ve calmed her down, we could hang together for a bit.” Pinkie then elaborated a bit with a giggle at the end.
I like it too, but there's no reason for those sentences to be on different paragraphs. You should either join the two action tags into one or explain what Discord is considering. I know, I bitched about it until now telling you to not do that, but this time it could be useful and interesting.
Heavens above, it's almost over, If you had the patience to read so far (I don't see why you should
) I would like to express my final thoughts.
I love the plot. Discord forced into making new friends over Fluttershy is something that I wanted to see badly.
You should read the rules about 'said tags' and 'action tags' for the dialogues. You can find them in the guide that I linked.
I also like your choice of words, and you're writing isn't bad.
I mean, you do make a lot of mistakes but believe me when I say that I've read worse. FAR WORSE.
Furthermore, for a first attempt, this one was pretty good shot.
I hope I've been helpful, and that I didn't write something too dumb. And if you suspect that I know nothing about writing, remember that I'm just an Italian guy with and high school degree. Ciao.