Another new student arrives at CHS. Sunset is first to see and greet her, but things never seem to go quite according to plan.
Chapters (1)
Discorded Imagination
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Here’s my impression of the chapter 1:
We see some blatant grammatical mistakes like:
What are you worrying about? Silly’ (-> What are you worrying about silly?)
anticipated the stranger see had seen before (-> anticipated the stranger she had seen before)
Soon, she and Dash managed to get to Celestia’s office and was just about to (Soon, she and Dash managed to get to Celestia’s office and were just about to )
, but nothing that major that would break the immersion.
Personally, I reread a story at least 50 times before I even dare to think about publishing it. It’s very clear that this story wasn’t reread that many times.
Some parts feel more like a trail of thought than a profound storycrafting.
We see some PoV (Point of View) problems as well.
Sunset felt stupid. Pinkie Pie had even included an emoji with wobbly and confused looking eyes for fun.
We’re clearly in Sunset’s PoV, yet she somehow knows Pinkie Pie’s motivation.
The story feels a bit forced. The main meaning of life for every main character is suddenly the new student because the story is about the new student and not because it would be natural for the characters to even mind the student.
We have some plot holes that aren’t story breakers, but do get in the way of a good read.
Look around you, girl! Is anyone wearing a uniform? How dumb can you be?
Way to make friends, Rainbow Dash...
The dialogue feels more like the author talking than the character. We get to hear the highlights that the story wants to push forward over and over again from different characters as if they had a hive mind that was obsessed with those aspects. It also comes across too telly (not showy enough).
Unlike the the rest of the character’s who’s new purpose in life is serving Raven. Raven herself has zero motivation. She’s way to static with no personality to speak of. She’s more like a weasel for the story to move forward.
The last half of the story is all about Raven. The character reminds me of Black&red OCs. Not so much because of the color scheme but because the story bends all over the place to accommodate the character. I’d like to read about the character overcoming a challenge of sorts and growing as a person, not just seeing her move around like a mindless zombie with no motivation of her own.
7993887
The actual main character of the story was Sunset. Yes, I tweaked things with my OC, Raven, but it was intentional. I want to keep them from knowing her. Is there any way to achieve this without leaving some gaping holes about Raven or her character? On second thought, maybe if I open up only when Raven has charge on a bit of the story, I can fill the holes you've mentioned, but I want to put her in a place where at least some of her character is mysterious or strange. Plus, is your comment on Dash, a sarcastic compliment or a criticism? Someone had to break through and admit to address Raven, but that might actually be my biggest chance to dwell on Raven and her response. So, actually thanks anyway.
7998057
Yes, you can do that by introducing an actual conflict to the story. Have mane 6 suspect the newcomer of plotting a scheme of sorts. In the end, you reveal what the true motivations of Raven were. You'd still keep the mystery and strangeness without ruining the story.
At least that would give the mane 6 the motivation to deal with Raven. Right now, the biggest issue is just that. Raven is the center of the story for absolutely no reason and mane 6 are like mindless slaves around her. I'd almost go as far as to say you wrote a Mary Sue because the story bends around her just so she can be the focus.
Both. My point was that you made a character act out of character just for the sake of forcing something that you wanted. Things don't flow naturally because you keep forcing your own agenda on the characters.
7998135 I thought I somewhat accomplish this with Sunset suspecting Raven is an Equestrian Changeling. Though, it is set with Sunset doing the suspecting. Plus, Rainbow is the type of pushy, brash character that would push her suspicions onto a character, so I don't think I'm off her character. Maybe, a re-wording will resolve that issue.
7998274 The problem is that there is no Raven character. Raven does nothing to prompt Sunset to suspect her of anything. She does nothing to prompt Rainbow's reaction. She does absolutely nothing. It's the story that is bending backward to make all the other background characters do everything possible to support the main character Raven.
Raven needs some personality, is what I'm saying. Then the rest will at least have something to react to.
This is pretty good... some grammatical mistakes, plotholes, and insufficient description, but other than that I can't find anything. 7 out of 10 star points.
A possible Changeling with Mystery in her name? Like the first line of this song.