- Member Since 13th Dec, 2016
- offline last seen 13 hours ago
DerpTape
A Brony from the first season. I have seen a lot of the bad in the world, but what I have seen this fandom produce gives me just a smidgen of optimism for the future.
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Since this is my first story, I will post the obligatory request for comments and input. If you didn't like it, please let me know what I could improve on.
Thanks for reading!
I'm getting from the description that the Oranges are important characters in this story. If that's the case, then you should use the "Other" tag to represent them.
7979399
Yes, they are the main charicters. I didn't think about that tag. I will change that now, thank you.
This sounds like something the pony version of Marvin Zindler should investigate...
7980784
As you will see in a few chapters, it will be less Chicken Ranch, and more an open air Green Door for couples.
My first attempt at a love scene. I tried to make romantic, more than anything else.
All input is appreciated.
Remind me what I did to be responsible for this title again?
Stuff I liked-
-This is very well written. Good descriptive words, good pacing...a well-painted picture that's not too hard to follow, and not just 'A said/B said' bits of dialogue with little else to it. The characters I know are true to themselves, and the characters I don't know are believable. Good quality of writing goes a long way for me, so thank you.
-Good explanations that sew into the tapestry of the story well, particularly in chapter three.
-The injections of humor worked for me. Enough to give you a chuckle at good moments for one.
Criticisms-
-What do the OCs look like? Yes, I know, I could just view them on the show, but since they're not recurring characters, some subtle nods to their coloring/descriptions/cuties/etc would be helpful when they're going to be in the story for awhile.
-Forgive me as I hope this isn't rude, but the author's note on chapter two I think might be a bit of TMI. Focuses your attention on the note such that it's hard to recall what you just read.)
-Tsk on that author's note at the top of chapter five! You used the sex tag - we know there's going to be sex. Why write a chapter if you're telling us it's okay not to read it? (By the way - you did that chapter just as well as the rest of the story, so all the more reason not to tell us not to read it - and saying 'you can skip it' translates to 'skip it'!)
General Picking of the Nits-
-There probably isn't any need to restate the title of the chapter in the actual text of the chapter.
-I can see the exclamation points outside of dialog thing as useful in a middle-grade or YA story, but here it sorta feels like 'tell', if you know what I mean.
Well, I'm putting this in my higher quality folder. Good work!
8038285
Hint)
*I can see your point about not describing the character's physical traits, and this was something I struggled with given my attempt at first person, present tense narritive. I decided to try the route of less is more, only refrencing physical traits when it seemed most natural to the story. As you pointed out, it might be better to be blunt at the introduction and get the image out there right away. (This is why I appreciate feedback readers, Hint
*I have never done author notes before, and had not considered the idea that they might interrupt the story flow.
Point taken.
*Thank you for pointing out the doubling of the title, I honestly never noticed that.
Actually, I don't really know what you mean by a tell. Perhaps exclamation points are considered a lazy way of getting out of describing the scene, instead of writimg with enough oomph to not need one? If that is what you mean, I can appreciate the point.
8039435
That's sort of what I meant about the exclamation points, yes. Not that they're 'lazy', so much as they sort of 'tell' us that 'hey, this part is exciting'! I've used them the same way in my YA novels, but for a younger audience they have more pop. Eventually you get to a level where adding them in just seems like trying to lead the reader too much.
Seriously though, I like how you're pulling this story off a lot. I consider my criticisms to be minor
And here we go!
What's an alternative couples experience?
7978482 I'm really enjoying this story so far. I like how it's not mainly clop, and where there is clop, it's done in a romantic fashion. Plus showing former high-class ponies not being afraid of getting hooves dirty is something I admire. Diamond Tiara could take some notes from the Oranges. In fact, I would encourage writing her in in some way since her farther may have business with the Oranges or heard about their downfall.
Another thing I like is how well Valencia was written. She's smart, frugal, patient, strong willed, and supportive. I see much from her in the future.
In all, this story reminds me of something that happened back in 2007. January 13th to be exact. A guy started a traveling anime convention to raise money for Komen Breast Cancer. He had art contests for people to win game systems. Even a cosplayer was getting interviewed by MTV there. Come to find out that it was all a scam. The hotel didn't even know about it. 200 people showed up along with an anime DJ from Florida and a couple of voice actors. The con man (Jeffery Borncamp) ran off with about $5000 on that day. It was embarrassing for the anime community to say the least. To this day, I still want to track thet guy down and do Pinkemina things to him.
But anyway, I hope this story is a long one. Keep up the good work. You've earned a follower.
PToN
8057552 :
An 'alternative couples experience' is, in this sense, a safe haven for those couples who have interests that are not considered normal by the mainstream society. Here specifically making love outdoors, as well as having an audience durring the act. Basically it is a club of like minded exibitionists who will not look down on Ponies for just being themselves. Not to be confused with a 'swingers' club, Green Acres is aimed specifically at couples, not individuals looking for a quick fling.
8059609 :
To me, the clop is a point of character development, rather than the whole reason for the story (At least in this tale). It was important to me to be able to show that the Oranges are comfortable enough with their own sexuality to be able to justify opening their land to others for experimentation.
I tried to make the Orange's transition from city to country seem natural, and smooth. Due to Mosley being raised here, I saw no need to draw from the 'fish out of water' well. As far as Valencia, thank you, my head cannon has her just as described in the story. While this story was planned as a one off short story, it has grown beyond any so-called plan and has grown to the point that charicters may just spill over into future projects.
I had not heard about that scam before. That is rather depressing. Just as Mosley observed, with the amount of effort put into scamming people/Ponies, perpetrators could just as easily create something real.
Thank you very much for watching, I will do my best to make it interesting for you. Heh, heh.
I usually don't read stories until they're either completed or at least over 100,000 words. Too many are abandoned unfinished, so I haven't read yours yet. However, for ideas, you might try the Brit coms To The Manor Born (rich woman loses money & has to sell most of her estate) and The Good Neighbors (sort of the British take on the idea behind Green Acres)
8517849
Pinkie Promise.
Really, that is much appreciated! I know I have little to complain about when the authors I read don't update frequently, but this one isn't abandoned yet,
It was certainly a trip getting here. Thank you everypony everyling, everydragon, everygriff, and others that read my little story. I know that I am very pleased to have finally put that green complete tag on it, and I hope that you enjoyed the read.
I can't think of a more perfect ending.