- Member Since 23rd Dec, 2015
- offline last seen 44 minutes ago
Somber_Shade_09
I write garbage fan-fic.
Somber_Shade_09
Joined 23rd Dec, 2015 ·
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Tracking.
6.5/10.
I like this story so far. It seems interesting and I will track it to see where it goes. But there are still a few small things I wish to address.
First the changeling. I honestly was extremely sure that he was the guardian of the tomb. The second chapter didn't seem to state otehrwise and it seemed like it. Especially with the 'only 2 may enter' rule and the 'changeling enemy' part it seemed logical that the changelings imprisoned him and kept an uber-changeling as a guard. So, this part of the story can easily misinterpreted in my opinion. It would help if you try to point out more that he wasn't in there previously and followed them.
Secondly is how Shade praises Rainbow for taking his cock. It is large, yes, but Shade also mentioned it was slightly above average in his time. So either this is a clear contradiction here or the mares back in the day couldn't really take the cocks of the stallions back then.
Notable is that the name Somber Shade fits so much better in this fic with the stallions history as Sombra's father. However, it is a bit strange to read him like that if you have read the gloryhole story prior since the characters have almost nothing alike, beside being gentleponies. This Shade seems more dominant with an interesting ruling history. I would really recommend using different OCs for different stories. Not that it's wrong to use an OC in more than one story. It is more about using an OC that actually fits into a story without bending his character to the needs of the story, like it seemed in case of your gloryhole story if the character is compared with this one. I have also an OC Abioye. A dominant zebra. But I also only use him when he fits into a story and use a different character if not. You can also use male background characters if you don't want to think of an OC yourself.