Artie Downer
Joined 19th Jun, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Will read, and if this is your first story. We should be giving you harsh advice so your writing improves
Well, English is not my first language and I only have one fanfic to my name, but for a first it's quite impressive!
Aside from a bit of a rushed (well, more than intended, I guess) feeling (2 or 300 more words wouldn't have hurt), it was very enjoyable.
I really like this story, though I have to admit there's one thing that bothered me. I feel like it's weird for Derpy to talk about herself in third person like that, using her own name. Maybe replace the "Derpy"s with I, me or mine, so it's in first person. I think it might sound better. You obviously don't have to, but it's just a suggestion.
Still, I like the fic as it is.
Dinky's too old for Twilight to have been in town at her conception. She's roughly Applebloom's age and Twilight's first entrance in Ponyville was when Applebloom was old enough to be in class.
The nurses told Derpy that there was a clinic in Canterlot where they would take the baby foal out of Derpy and she wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Derpy asked them if the foal would be all right, but they said no and that they would kill the foal. Derpy didn't want that! Just because the unicorn hurt Derpy didn't mean the little foal in her tummy did.
This small paragraph deserves everything.
For that, I'm favoriting you.
Keep improving!
Well, in my opinion, telling the story in 3rd person made it sound more like Derpy. (that's just my opinion though)
Words cannot describe. So incredibly Sad. This is so amazing that I am not even using complete sentences.
Poor Derpy...but she got her own sweet little muffin.
888199 thank you so much for your kind words
Good story, nothing much to improve here
Very cute. Nothing needs improving as far as I can tell. Keep writing!
yeeeeeeeaaaaa.... no
protip: when bring rape into your story, you'd better slap a goddamn dark tag onto it
try making it less like your a mother all like
"birds and bees"
892026 Muahahaha
I really like the concept, however, I feel like the writing could be improved upon. It's very repetitive, and I understand the theme you are going for, but I would suggest using first person for this style. c:
O.o Why no sex tag?