Under the Apple Orchard

For some ponies, it's very hard to find love. But one reliable and dependable mare will prove somepony wrong.

Chapters (3)

Chewin' Hay · 28th Jul 2012 · 1,960 words
1,960
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Introductions · 28th Jul 2012 · 2,418 words
2,418
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Truth · 3rd Aug 2012 · 1,565 words
1,565
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Comments ( 8 )

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Fires Ablaze

Fires Ablaze #1 · Jul 24th, 2012 · · · Chewin' Hay ·

this is a great story! I didnt see anything wrong, and its an adorable love story!(:

Dusty Sage

Dusty Sage #2 · Jul 24th, 2012 · · · Chewin' Hay ·

Getting the hay out of the way is always good advice.

I'm liking the way this is going.

rest in piece

rest in piece #3 · Jul 24th, 2012 · · · Chewin' Hay ·

Like the user above said, it's a good story. That being said; here's some little things that could be improved upon, I suppose.

"Finally, Applejack interuppted our conversation and said, "Oh, that's alright, Granny Smith. I'll make sure your folks are properly acquainted later." I didn't know a country girl would talk like that before." | That sentence is a little confusing, you might want to read it over and check it. (For example, interrupted is spelled wrong; did you mean: "I'll make sure you folks are properly acquainted later."? And, maybe you could put: "I never knew a country girl who talked like that before". Also, it seems like the word finally is sort of out of place here, but that might just be my opinion.

You might want to add a bit more detail during the passing of time / events, next time. For example: "Applejack, still covered in cake batter, angrily yelled, "Dang nabbit, Pinkie! Now Ah gotta go take a bath! C'mon, Wanderer!" She, once again, pulled me by my hoof and we headed off back to the farm.
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After Applejack and I took our baths, separately of course, we met up in the front of the barn." | You could have added a little more 'content' between the separator (although, just my opinion), and I think you should have added a little more detail, like I said before. For instance, you could have put in a little more in before "After Applejack and I took our baths, separately of course, we met up in the front of the barn.", as to where they took their baths (of course, readers probably know they took it at AJ's farm). What I mean, is to explain a little more into some questions the readers might've had (For instance, why did AJ's family allow you to take a bath so 'freely'? (and, that could've probably been 'resolved' by adding in something like: "The Apple family didn't mind me taking a bath in their home, as I had no place to say yet." which of course could be altered, as though it appeared you wanted to reveal his lack of a home later on in the story.)

All in all, it's a good story. Don't take my advice too harshly; I'm not trying to harp on you or anything. Keep my advice in mind for the future, I suppose, if you so desire. Anyways, I liked the story, and it was actually pretty creative, so keep it up! c:
P.S. Sorry for the big wall of text. :P

Ravenscroft

Ravenscroft #4 · Jul 24th, 2012 · · · Chewin' Hay ·

I'm not a style critique person, I prefer quick, easy to solve errors.

There's a section in the text that goes as follows: "much trouble they caused for the down. As soon as I got there, I was" (and so on).
Please change this to what I'm pretty sure you intended: "much trouble they caused for the town. As soon as I got there, I saw"

Unless, you know, Wanderer (so many ponies named that) actually did transform into Flutters for a moment, and is secretly a changeling! Le twist!