• Published 20th Aug 2017
  • 2,865 Views, 355 Comments

The Road Trip of A-Holes! - Sense of Humor



Seven entirely different beings embark on the weirdest trip.

  • ...
6
 355
 2,865

Unspoken

“This is actually most delicious!”

Mantis smiled as she nodded, her antennae flexing occasionally. “Thank you. I may not be a cook, by anyone's standards...but I do appreciate creating the perfect soup.”

Drax finished slurping down the entire bowl, which was as big as his own head, and placed it in a random flower vase. “Well, never said it was perfect. Just mediocre enough to be delicious, maybe.”

“You have a knack for being rude, you know that?” Trixie sipped from her spoon as she trotted alongside Drax, secretly basking in the strong energy of her own levitation magic. She nearly choked as she considered her own words. “I can't believe I'm the one saying that…”

“I consider Mediocre to be...how do you say...a step up?” Mantis grinned brightly, or in her case, gnashed her teeth with furious glee. “Yes! Yes, that is the word!”

Drax practically kicked down the doors to the balcony with a laugh. “Ha! Mediocre is the worst by our terms.”

“Oh.” Mantis’ smile fell the slightest, but she still looked hopeful as she stepped out alongside him and the pony. “I understand. I see I still have much to learn about social intricacies.”

Trixie smiled the slightest.“I’m surprised Ego doesn't teach you anything. He taught me a lot of cool stuff in the last hour." She nudged her with a grin. "Now Trixie can make teacups without having to say teacup!"

When Mantis made no comment on that comment, the mare settled for staring out at the many acres of land that she could see from where she leaned on the balcony railing. Silence captured the trio as they reflected on the slowly disappearing suns in the distance, gradually getting lower and lower with each passing second. Drax glanced over the lands of golden designs and sparkling fountains, seeing no life beyond this or the mountain ranges in the distance. The only signs of life in the world stemmed from the green plant life surrounding them. Had he reflected on this more, he might have wondered why a planet so big harbored a population of only two. As it was, he had slightly different questions in mind. “How did you end up on this planet, Mantis?”

“...Ego found me as a Larva.” Mantis reluctantly spoke, fingers tapping against each other. “I was...abandoned on my homeworld. Unwanted. So he took me back to his planet; raised me and kept me as his own.”

Drax nodded slowly. “So, you are a pet?”

“What? How do you just...jump to that conclusion?” Trixie stared at him incredulously. “That's like saying if I adopt another pony, it's my cat.”

The wide eyed woman practically ignored her. “I...suppose I am a pet.”

The Burly man wrinkled his nose in apparent disgust. “That is weird! People usually get pets that are cute. Why would Ego love a hideous pet?”

Mantis frowned and spoke in a quieter tone, looming as though she'd been punched in the gut. “...I-I'm hideous?”

“Yes! You're horrifying to look at. I'll probably wake up screaming at the thought of you.” Drax told her without an ounce of regret. After a tense pause, he patted her shoulder and smiled. “And that is a wonderful thing!”


It is?” Trixie and Mantis asked in unified confusion.

“Yes! It is very simple.” Drax explained, turning to lean sideways so that he could face them both. “When you are ugly, and someone loves you...you know they love you for who you are and not just because you're easy on the eyes. Ugly people can always trust their loved ones...Beautiful people never know who to trust.”

Trixie blinked owlishly. The pony reflected on his words; it all made sense. Derpy and Maud weren't physically ugly, but they were spiritually ugly; they must have a lot of trustworthy friends. Trixie was both spiritually and physically hot as Tarturus, and as result only had one real friend she could trust...and maybe a few side chumps. She knew her looks were the reason she had so very little friends! And ugliness must be the true key to the Magic of Friendship! Curse that Twilight Sparkle! She probably purposely made herself ugly to get good friends! That sly little…!

Trixie breathed to calm herself down. “You know...That was probably the deepest thing Trixie has ever heard, Drax.”

Drax laughed loudly. “Oh, that is nothing, Horse of Tricks! I shall take you to the Pits of Mandalore! We'll throw rocks in and see how long it takes for them to hit the bottom.”

“This is most enlightening! I am very grateful to be ugly and hideous!” Mantis looked very content with her new outlook on herself, and smiled as the lowering suns. Suddenly she gasped, her antenna drooping in sadness. “Poor Gamora...She may never know who to trust.”

Trixie laughed to herself after what she heard; she supposed Gamora wasn't ugly too. She shrugged at the bug woman. “Ah, cheer up! If all else fails, she can keep trusting Quill. You could feel it, remember?”

Mantis slowly perked up. “He does love her very much.”

Drax returned his sights to the fountains in the courtyard, and silence followed behind them all. However, it did not stay for long. “...Hmm. Those pools ; they remind me of a time… when I took my daughter to the long forgotten lakes of my homeworld. I liked to disturb the water by throwing in stones...but she liked to put leaves in the water. To watch them slowly float away…” He said. “...She was much like you.”

Mantis grinned knowingly. “I know! She was disgusting!”

“...No...She was innocent.”

Her grin fell away as she stared at him. Innocent? Innocence was a good thing? Mantis curiously pondered the meaning of his words, but couldn't bring herself to a logical conclusion. Was innocence a form of beauty to Drax? She had to find out somehow, some way to...Ah, right. She only needed to touch Drax to find out what he meant.

She leaned onto the balcony railing the same way he did and managed to press her elbow to his. Her antenna perked up with a sneaky glow as she rooted through his emotions, searching for the one that she needed to find out what he was talking. Yes! There, buried in the present time; he must be reflecting on a time in his past. She let the emotion leak into her so she could analyze it and...and…

Mantis shuddered at the pain in her heart.

How could he look like that--with a faint smile on his weary face? There was too pain to bear with this emotion, too much for him to feel any sense of comfort. It was like smiling in the face of some terrible burden that you had to carry with you for years, never able to scrub it free of your conscience. Her lower lips quivered; the worst part was not that Drax had to live with this heavy pain in his heart...it was that she could actually relate to his pain. A heavy trauma set in her heart too, one that she never spoke of before. But maybe…


“Drax? Trixie?” Their eyes moved to her. No turning back now. “There is something I must tell you. Ego--”

The she felt it. His eyes on her, from somewhere in the building. It was so sudden, so powerful that she shut up instantly and lost her will to talk.

Thankfully, it was just as Gamora walked onto the balcony with them, eyes instantly settling on Mantis with thick suspicion. Had she heard he talking before she arrived? Was she listening in, waiting to hear the truth?

“...What's going on here?” Gamora asked suspiciously.

Drax gave a toothy grin. “This revolting bug lady is my friend now!”

Mantis shakily joined in. “Y-Yes! I am learning so many new things, like I'm a pet and very ugly!”

Gamora's face flipped from surprise to severe annoyance. “You're not ugly, Mantis. Drax, what is wrong with you?!”

The Burly man scoffed. “Oh, please! My eyes hurt just looking at her.”

Rolling her eyes, Gamora elected to ignore Drax. “Mantis, can you show us where we'll be staying? Quill...Quill will be staying here, since he likes it so much.”

Trixie tilted her head. “Hmm. That doesn't sound good. What happened up there?”

Gamora frowned.


A Few Minutes Earlier…

Gamora traversed the last hallway, and poked her head into the right room at long last. It was a wonder Ego would build a place with so many rooms to begin with. “Quill? Can I talk with you about something?”

Quill removed one of his earbuds, glancing back from his position on the balcony. “Yeah?”

Gamora slowed down beside him. “Well, for starters, I've been occasionally trying to reach Rocket with no response from him. Either he's dead, about to be dead, this planet has no signal or this hissy fit between you two is keeping him quiet.” After that list of possible reasons, she continued on with: “There's also...something off about this whole place. Mantis hasn't exactly done much talking and Ego is the one explaining everything. It's all a little...Quill, are you listening to me?”

“...sorry. Just thinking.”

Gamora raised an eyebrow, reluctantly deciding to go off topic for a while. “...About…?”

“Things have really changed in the past couple of hours. Never thought I'd actually get to meet my actual dad this far out in the galaxy. Aside from the whole...leaving us behind thing, he's...pretty cool. We're really connecting, I think.” Gamora followed his gaze out at the expanse of the horizon, noticing how content he looked. Even if she was wary about this planet, it warmed her heart to see Quill in a seemingly happy mindset. “ And Trixie...she's got a family now. Granted, we're not actually blood related or anything...but, man. I actually have a dad and a cousin. A horse cousin.”

Gamora nodded slightly. “I was wondering why she had such a stupidly happy grin on her face.” Reflecting on the happy pony almost brought a small smirk to her face. Almost, in any case. “...I haven't seen you use that...Walking thingie in a while. Who are you listening to?”


Quill slowly removed one of his ear buds and just as slowly placed it in her ear. The slight contact of his fingers against her cheek tickled her, but she did well to keep it from affecting her facial expression as he spoke. “This is Sam Cooke...one of the greatest earth singers of all time.”

Gamora silently listened to him, watched as Quill swayed slightly in time with the beat. She would probably never understand why he enjoyed this music--so uncoordinated and sporting lyrics that didn't make any sense to her. She frowned as one of Quill's hands found her waist and the other locked with her hand. “...Hmm. He sounds...fine.” She admitted with a roll of her eyes. “But he's not as good as Queen.”

“Never said that he was. Queen is always number one.” Peter shifted to the left slowly, and Gamora clumsily followed. He was always trying to teach her as much as he knew about dancing, but she honestly didn't think she was ever going to get it right. He chuckled softly as her boot rammed into his heel by accident. “My mom would have loved you. She had two left feet too.”

“What? I don't have...oh. Right. Just an expression.”

“Yep.”

“Oh...Should...Should I say you have two right feet?” She winced when he blinked in confusion. “It makes sense, doesn't it?”

He laughed again. “Yeah. It does.”

She nodded, but a thought occurred to her. “You danced with your mom? You never told me that.”

“What can I say? I guess I actually am...sensitive about it. Yeah...she was a dancer.” He smiled as if he remembered something, his voice lowering to a suggestive level. “You know...Drax thinks you're not a dancer.”

Gamora fixed him with what she hoped was an emotionless gaze, despite how her heart seemed to pick up speed. “I'm not. At least...not a good one...And I swear, ” She gripped his hand tighter. “If you're telling the others about our...lessons, I will kill you slowly.”

As they swayed in a continuous circle, Quill pursed his lips. “Oh come on...They'll know sooner or later, Gam. When are we gonna do something about this...unspoken thing?”

“Thing?” She finally smirked, but it was in a mildly cruel way. “You and your weird earth terms.”

“You know what I'm talking about; Cheers...Sam and Diane,” He explained quietly. “A hot guy and a cute girl on a tv show...who dig each other, but never say so...because ratings would plummet if they did.”

The Green woman furrowed her brow in utter confusion. “There’s no such thing as ratings in real life romance, Quill. And for that matter, there's no unspoken thing either.”

“Ha. You just fell for the bait, ” He offered a nearly contagious (and mildly attractive) grin. “Catch-22; If you talked about it, then it would be spoken and the love would be real. And even if you keep quiet, like I know you will...you're telling the truth and admitting there is.”

“...Y...Y-you...But...how do...That's not what I meant. You can't...ugh. You are absolutely unbearable sometimes.” She broke away from the slow dance reluctantly, her mind settling back into its usual uncaring mode and slowly forgetting the few moments of calm she felt. “Look, we're getting off track--This planet...somethings just not right about it.”

“Not right about it?” He asked. “Is there...proof to this, or are you just being untrusting again?”

Gamora scoffed and crossed her arms. “That girl, Mantis...something about us being here has her acting weird...terrified. I can just...sense it. Has anything about Ego irked you?”

“Yeah. And then we talked and got over it, ” He examined sarcastically. “You know, like normal people?”

“Are you not listening to me? We should leave this planet!”

Quill narrowed his eyes at her. “So, you practically beg me to give my dad a try and the moment I actually do, you just--you want me to up and go?!”


"You have blood on earth, but you never wanna go there!"

"Maybe because my dad's actually alive?! Ah-doi!" Peter bristled in place, crossing his arms. "I don't know about you, but I don't like going to places where my mom died!"


Gamora shook her head."That's not why you're here. This is all a fantasy! At least your mother was real!"

"What are you on? I've got fifty percent celestial genes in me!"

"That's what worries me, Quill!"

"Oh, okay--Is this you being jealous of my heritage? Yeah! I see now. You're mad cause you're the weak one in the relationship now!"


Gamora began to massage the bridge of her nose; she often did this around Quill during his stupid moments. Obviously, this was one of them. "You know...I can't even with you right now." She roughly brushed past him. "I'm gonna go try to contact Rocket again and I'll be back with actual proof!"

"You are seriously that jealous?" Quill laughed from behind her. "
You know what? This isn't cheers after all! This is whatever the show is where one person actually tries to open themselves up and the other person is a green grump who doesn’t trust anybody!"

The Jade warrior stomped out hurriedly. "I don't even understand you anymore!"

"Oh yeah well the feeling..." He awkwardly trailed off when she stomped out of earshot. "...the feeling is...mutual. Yeah."


"He's just being stubborn right now. Anyway, " Gamora explained to the trio, already leading the way down stairs to the giant doors. "Mantis, we do have a place to stay here, right?"

The big woman nodded politely. "It is across a great, beautiful field. Not a very long walk from here, I assure you."

Trixie stared down at her hooves with a sigh. "I just realised...I've probably destroyed my hooficure... Wait. Maybe if Trixie uses her heightened magic, she can get her hooves back to their former glory!"

Drax furrowed his brow. "What's a hooficure? Is that some kind of voice condition? Is that why you keep switching back and forth between first and third person?"

Before anything could be said, the green woman stopped right before the doorway and faced her pony ally. "Trixie, I need you to stay here with Quill."

"Oh. Sure, that's fine. I could use a little more alien cousin quality time!" She blinked rapidly as Gamora approached her and got down on one knee. "Um...."

"That's not the reason I want you to stay, " Gamora spoke quietly, almost to the point of whispering in close proximity. "I need you to do something for me...Keep an eye on him and keep a closer eye on Ego."

The mare couldn't help but crack a smirk at her task. What was she talking about--keep an eye on Ego? "Pfft. Are you serious? That's kinda weird. Trixie's not gonna--"

"If anything happens to Quill under your watch, " Gamora narrowed her eyes to slits. "No amount of celestial power will save you from me. Do you understand?"

Trixie shrank into a very small ball and squeaked. "...Y-yes, ma'am. I totally understand."

She watched as Gamora shot up, bristling as she made her way past a confused looking Drax and a nervous looking Mantis. She continued to stare at the empty doorway long after they were gone, her lips forming an unhappy frown. How dare she threaten the Spectacular and All-powerful Trixie?! She didn't have to act so mean just because a big grump. Quill may be stubborn, but she had a few issues to tend herself.

Still, she decided that she'd keep an eye on the occupants of the building out of the kindness of her heart. In fact, she'd started by showing off some tricks to Quill and maybe he could...who knows; tell her more awesome pirate tales! She trotted towards the stairs with a smile.

"Ba-aa."

Trixie's face fells slack with confusion, before looking around the seemingly empty lobby. Was that a bleat she just heard? No, it was likely her imagination. Ego wouldn't have any random farm animals in his lobby.

She trotted up the stairs, quickly forgetting the bleat.

Author's Note:

Ba-aa.