The Road Trip of A-Holes!

by Sense of Humor

Curiousity displaced the Mare!

Maud recalled the last of her memory and nodded fondly as she spoke. "And then we flew kites for three more hours. She really loves kites, perhaps nearly as much as magic practice. But I'm not sure."

Night was upon them by now, and Trixie was aching from all the shifting and pulling or pushing that her horn or body had to do to get everything in position. Her eardrums mostly ignored what Maud was telling her, while her hooves delicately carried the container of fragile glasses and placed them next to the lit candles. She was smart to place all the sparkling juice bottles away from the flames, their insides never once recieving a spark of heat. With all that she needed set up with the help of her...pal, there were only three other things that needed to be completed. Trixie turned to Maud and noticed the pony was about to talk about her sister's chances of really liking this party. "Hey, Mauddie! Why don't you open that box over there? The one with the banner inside?"

Maud blankly located a box nearby, and began to shuffle towards it.

" No, not that one. Not that one either. Hang on..." Trixie looked underneath herself and noticed her own flank seated on top of the box they needed. She looked up with a laugh and hopped off. "Ha! Trixie was sitting on it the whole time!"

Maud blinked. "Ha Ha Ha. Hysterical."

It wasn't long before the unicorn's aura surrounded the box and lifted the banner straight from within, unfurling itself due to the magic. Trixie noted that it was a lot larger than it looked on the magazine, but would save her final decision on it until she actually saw how it did against her mobile home. "Let's see...There!" Once the ropes found their appropriate grooves to fit into and tie around, she sat again and marveled her handiwork. " The perfect look, even the corners are so big that they disappear over the edges of my house."

"I think it's lovely." Maud's half lidded eyes appreciated the bedazzled banner and the exotic lettering using for writing the title. " It only says 'Welcome Back, Starlight Glimmer.' Where is everypony else's name?"

Trixie rolled her eyes. "It would be utterly impossible for Trixie to fit all those extremely long names in the banner! But, if you insist on criticising it..." She levitated a permanent marker up from the ground and used it to write: And everypony else, including Spike. in the corner of the banner.

"There! You happy now?!"

"I wasn't unhappy to begin with."

"Good. Then let's finish the rest of this, shall we? Grab me that napkin box there! And then the box of sparklers over..." Trixie trailed off when her ears twitched upwards, swiveling this way and that. Maud did the same after taking notice, and they both shared a look of confusion. Well, at least one of them did. "Do you hear that? It's like some kinda... distant humming sound."

Maud nodded slowly. "Yeah. I wonder where it's coming from."

---

"Come on, Derpy! The faster you move, the better!" The grey pegasus pushed herself internally, flapping her wings in powerful thrusts that caused wind to slice past like the gust of a hurricane. Her eyes watered because of the speed she was going at, but she was too far away from any high objects to worry about crashing into them. In the midst of her blurred vision, she could make out the shape of Ponyville even in the dark of night. The town was alight with candles hung from balcony railings, illuminating the streets and giving Derpy an idea of where to head next. Her body made a veering turn to the left and found itself high above the grassy plains that separated Ponyville from the Everfree forest, slicing right inbetween them to be exact. While there were no addresses on the boxes, it did give a description of where and what Trixie usually lived in so that anypony would at least have an idea of what to look for. Going to see Trixie's shows every once in a while also helped.

Thankfully, she managed to see the carriage in the far distance ahead of her brightened by what she guessed to be candles. Her flying slowed as she grinned toothily; that took less time than she thought it would. maybe slow and steady didn't always work out in the end. "Okay, let's see. How should I say it? Maybe I could...no. Can't use the Incident." Derpy murmured to herself. Even if that were true, the pony might brush it off. " Blame the delay on postage stamp mix-ups? Nah." Saying that could get others in trouble, and she wasn't one to shift blame. "Hmmm...I can tell her a joke and hope she laughs, so she'll be in a better mood?" That wasn't the best idea, but it was better than the other ideas. Plus, that increasing humming sound was keeping her from thinking up anything else.

"Could whoever's making that noise please quiet down?" She asked in confusion, only for the hum to turn into a vibrating roar behind her. She shrieked as a gigantic shape rushed at her from behind with unfathomable speed and her wings lost several beats in her shock. Her surprise didn't let up as she narrowly missed being hit by the screaming, house-side object and fell farther away from it. if anything, she smiled in relief and watched as it glided away. "Phew! that was close." She looked down. "Huh. The ground is rushing up to meet me."

---

Trixie gasped loudly, but it didn't drown out the sound of the alien spacecraft zooming towards them. "What is that?!"

"Who cares? Just run." Maud offered, before galloping forwards and helpfully pushing the showmare off to the side. Trixie gasped again, this time in protest, but she had no choice to move as fast her emotionless friend to avoid a very painful death. A painful death did not sound entirely bad to her once the thing got close enough for her to realize where it's destination lay. Her eyes widened fearfully as it got closer and closer to her carriage and the party she'd worked on all week, her hoof stretching out as if to try and stop it.

"NO--"

The belly of the metallic vulture smashed through the various party tables and completely flung everything on them into the air or into the ground. Wood and plastic splinters littered the sky like dull fireworks, but it was nothing compared to the climatic smash of the top half of her home. A piece of her heart broke as she washed the top half disappear in a loud blur and then reappear as many broken pieces scattered along the grassy Plains beneath them. The metallic object continued on as if nothing had happened, but the damage spoke volumes as it disappeared from her thoughts. Trixie sadly surveyed the damage, her lips forming a deep pout as her eyes watered.

"Well, that was close. " Maud took notice of trixie and her eyebrows just barely slanted upwards to make her look sympathetic. Her voice however, was basically the same. "...I'm sorry about your house...At least there's still pieces left to put back together. It could have been worse."

The candles strewn about on the ground suddenly ignited the sparkling juice that was freed from the shattered glass bottles. The bottom half of her house was almost instantly engulfed in flames, along with anything from the party that survived. Maud and Trixie blinked in unison.

"Okay. Now it can't get any worse."

---

"Duuuuuh--I'm a little muffin-pot, short n' stoot! Heeee~re is my tophat, an' here is my suit!"

Derpy shook her head to clear away the stars dancing around her head and ruffled her dull blonde hair more than it already was, her eyes briefly going straight afterwards. As she spat out a bit of dirt and grass, she slowly went back through the last two minutes to figure out how she fell from the sky. Yes, there had been that giant metal tjing...but why was she in the sky in the first place? Maybe it had had something to do with the delivery bag around her shoulders. Oh yeeeeeeeah. Man, that fall must've taken a lot out of her.

It seemed that the moment Derpy turned towards her original destination, the carriage she saw in the distance suddenly...blew up. Well, not so much 'blew up', as it just caught on fire for all of thirty seconds. She watched as somepony's magic aura created a giant bowl to cut off the oxygen to the fire, helping to put it out easier. As Derpy cautiously neared the smouldering area of charred debris, she saw a blue furred mare with beautiful silver hair shakily walk over to the black mounds and simply stare. With her back turned to Derpy it was impossible to tell what her expression was...but she knew it wasn't pleasant. The pegasus wasn't sure what to do about what was happening; the mare was clearly Trixie and the mountain of soot and decaying wood must've been her home. Once again, Derpy found herself unable to really help anypony, short of just giving them mail. And she wasn't even doing that right in recent times.

Her ears flattened themselves against her mane as Trixie halfheartedly sank to the ground, her shoulders shuddering with the quietest of sobs. In her growing sympathy, She barely noticed that another mare was making her way over to the forlorn showmare, only to notice Derpy instantly and tilt her head. "Who are you?" The pony asked blankly, yet quietly.

"Um, I'm Derpy." She said, ears still flat against her head. " Is...she hurt at all? I saw the fire and all, but nothing beforehand, Miss...?"

"Pie. Maud Pie. "The mare boredly offered as she stalked over to Trixie. She didn't move to comfort her, but mostly because of the brief look of uncertainty and worry that molded her features. "We're both fine...mostly, as you can see. I take it from the bag, you're a delivery pony?"

At the last two words, Trixie's sobbing slowed to whimpers and sniffles before she looked back at the approaching mailmare. Thick smears of mascara ran down her cheeks, matting her fur and making her look all the more pitiful. "W-what?"

"Um, hi, Miss. I'm sorry about the late fireworks delivery...There was a postage issue and..." Derpy shook her head before she even gestured to the bag that hung from her shoulders. "No, you know what? I messed up, and neglected to notice these boxes until just tonight. And I rushed over as soon as I could to give them to you."

To her slight surprise, Trixie didn't burst into a fit of rage and snobbish frustration. She just slowly gestured to the carriage with a hoof. "Doesn't really matter, does it? My home is gone, and so is the entire party I had set up to involve those fireworks...They're useless to me now."

Derpy followed her line of sight to the debris and then shared a glance with Maud, who looked down at Trixie. "I'm sorry about your house, er, carriage Trixie. I have enough room at my place if you want? Boulder can make room."

"Hmmmf. I don't think I want to stoop so low as to share a home with somepony who talks to rocks." Trixie sighed, completely against the idea and yet more concerned with the death of her living quarters. "Five years of hard work and magic practice for what? A carriage that ends up completely destroyed. And the party! I set everything up myself only for it to catch fire and get run over by...by..."

The two other mare's watched as Trixie's brow slowly furrowed. "...by that thing! No concern about hitting anypony or anything and just destroying two things I worked hard for! " She angrily shot up to her hooves, tears still fresh in her eyes but momentarily forgotten. Everypony's line of sight fell on the flying metal object that decided to land far off from them, going completely still soon after. "Weird metal monster or not, I'm going to give that thing a piece of my mind and DEMAND COMPENSATION!!!"

Trixie huffed and trotted at an angry pace, starting to close the long distance she had with the thing. The two forgotten mare's shared a glance and hurried to catch up with her. At Trixie's left, Derpy nervously tried talking to her. "So, you're really going to confront it?"

"Yes I am."

"I am not sure that's a good idea." Maud said.

"Well, gee. Guess I should turn back then!" Trixie offered sarcastically and only sped up. "My home is gone, Maud! What do you expect me to do?"

"I don't know. I just sense that this is all too similar to the incident." Maud brought up, but when her 'friend' didn't slow down, she spoke again. "If this happened to me, I'd probably move in with my sister for a while. Or maybe my parents."

"Well NEWS FLASH: I don't have any family to move to!"

Derpy cringed for the third time tonight. "No parents?"

"UGH!" Trixie abruptly halted and turned to fix Maud and Derpy with a glare. Not an entirely fierce glare, but one that could grow into it. "Looks I'd love to be talked out of this by you wimps, but I have to berate somepony after what just happened! So you can either join me, or just go AWAY!"

"...Uh, I'll join you."

Trixie nodded overdramatically at Derpy, but never smiled. "Thank you!" She turned to Maud expectantly.

"...I guess three of us is better than two."

---

"OPEN UP, OPENUPOPENUPOPENUP!" Howard almost shrieked when the bay doors opened slowly, legs constantly shuddering and shaking as he fought to contain himself. It had felt like hours since he last located the planet, and holding in his business had been a personal hell for him. Still, he had no time to go into deeper thinking over that-- the door finally opened enough for him to hop out.

In his rush to the giant forest in the horizon, he didn't notice three equine figures approaching his vehicle from the front until he had disappeared over a hill. Not seeing the giant Duck, the ponies curiously scanned the exterior of the giant vessel and mused over what it's purpose might be. Maud ran a hoof over the shiny hull in appreciation. "I've seen many metals in Equestria...but this is unlike anything I've ever glimpsed. Definitely alien."

"I barely care." Trixie truthfully said as she trotted towards the rear end of the thing and stopped as she noticed the open Bay doors. "What on Equus? Is this some kind of vehicle?"

Derpy was the first to go inside, given how curious she was and immediately disliked the feel of metal underneath her hooves as opposed to the soft grass she'd been on earlier. Since the ceiling was quite a ways above her, she settled for taking flight and hovering several hooves off the ground. "Seems like it." Derpy said warily. The vehicle had several compartments and doohickeys all over the walls, practically wallpaper for whatever this thing was. Some of them blinked, others made quiet chirping sounds and others looked really heavy.

Trixie impatiently trotted up onto the vessel, briefly enraptured in the sights Derpy saw but tearing away moments later. She had more important things to concern herself with. "Six all this stuff is here...but I don't see the pony...or thing that owns this piece of junk!"

Maud walked past her, eyes widening ever so slightly when she saw more metal. "The doors were open when we found this vessel. Maybe the owner left. I guess we'll just have to wait until they get back."

Derpy, meanwhile, had floated over to a hefty looking stair sitting behind a vast array of buttons. And switches and other mechanical doo-dads. Wow. Doc would love to see this... She mused with a soft giggle. The giggle fell away as she settled herself into the seat and peered closer at the buttons; some were labeled with a strange language that she doubted even Twilight Sparkle would understand. She felt the urge to push one of them come along, but she managed to refrain herself just as she had refrained herself from chasing the butterfly earlier. She couldn't afford to have her curiousity get herself into trouble.

"Hey, Ditsy!"

Derpy cringed at the bad name and tried to get the seat to turn, but it was clearly rooted in place. Placing a hoof on the dashboard, she leaned out to the side of the seat to see Trixie and Maud approaching. The former of the two spoke again. "See any pictures of the jerk up there? Must be something to go off of!"

"No!" Derpy responded, readjusting her hoof for more stability. "But this place is so big that there must be a room in it so--"

BLICK!

Everypony stared at the button Derpy accidentally pressed and then at the doors they'd walk past. They were slowly closing up, a few long seconds from sealing them inside the thing. Trixie, not turning to look at Derpy, quietly coughed. "Um, open the doors again. Like, now."

"Yeah. Sorry sorry."The apologetic pegasus looked to the dashboard and gulped after a long moment. Which button had she pressed? It wasn't that green one, or so she didn't think. Maybe it was that red one? Not that brown one. "Why are all these buttons multicolored and unlabeled?!"

"Ditsy! What's taking so long?!"

"Um, nothing! Found the button!" Another sound broke the silence, and the entire vessel suddenly hummed to life in seconds, the entire thing was starting to rise into the air and leave behind the soft soils of Ponyville. Derpy gasped as she stared out of the giant window before her. They were rising too fast. "Ah, BUCK! What did I press?!"

Trixie seemed more frusturated than her which wasn't surprising. "What are you doing?! Put us back down this instant!"

"Maybe you should get down from there, Derpy." Maud suggested warily and glanced out of the window. By now, she could see a few mountains in the distance. Pretty, but not a good sign. "Let me try it."

"No! I-I've got this!" Derpy frantically pressed at random buttons, causing lights to flicker off and on or horns to blare from no known area. The ship even vibrated and began to spin uncontrollably after she flipped one switch. The constantly shifting momentum made everypony fight to stay upright, let alone find a way to solve the problem. The pegasus suddenly noticed a button larger than all the others, painted black. Surely it couldn't do anymore damage than she'd already done, right? "I think I found it!"

Trixie and Maud gasped. "No, Don't./NO, DON'T!!!"

PIFF!

"HYPER-JUMP SEQUENCE INITIATED. TARGET: THIRD SECTOR FROM CURRENT LOCATION. PLEASE REMAIN SEATED DURING THE DURATION OF YOUR TRAVEL."

"...uh-oh."

---

Howard whistled as he walked away from the mildly spooky forest, quite pleased now that he'd relieved himself. Not to mention, aside from the place he'd just pissed in, this place wasn't so bad looking. He didn't know what the natives looked like though and he didn't intend to find out anytime soon. His only plan now was heading right back to his ship and venturing off to the next sector.

Then he saw his ship spinning uncontrollably in the air, making all kinds of noise and flashing lights everywhere it turned. Howard froze in mid-step, owlishly blinking at the sight. "What the fu--"

The ship suddenly disappeared straight up in a hyperjump, dissolving through the very fabric of their atmosphere. His jaw dropped as he registered that he'd just lost his prized vehicle. He sank to his knees with a growl and quackery loudly into the night.

"OH FER CHRISSAKE, I JUST PAID THE THING OOOOOFF!!!"

Comments

[edCOM02]

Oh dear! Derpy accidently pressed the big button and now she along with Trixie and Maud are off on an involuntary adventure, leaving Howard stranded now that his ride has been stolen!

The belly of the metallic vulture smashed through the various party tables and completely flung everything on them into the air or into the ground. Wood and plastic splinters littered the sky like dull fireworks, but it was nothing compared to the climatic smash of the top half of her home. A piece of her heart broke as she washed the top half disappear in a loud blur and then reappear as many broken pieces scattered along the grassy Plains beneath them. The metallic object continued on as if nothing had happened, but the damage spoke volumes as it disappeared from her thoughts. Trixie sadly surveyed the damage, her lips forming a deep pout as her eyes watered.

"Well, that was close. " Maud took notice of trixie and her eyebrows just barely slanted upwards to make her look sympathetic. Her voice however, was basically the same. "...I'm sorry about your house...At least there's still pieces left to put back together. It could have been worse."

The candles strewn about on the ground suddenly ignited the sparkling juice that was freed from the shattered glass bottles. The bottom half of her house was almost instantly engulfed in flames, along with anything from the party that survived. Maud and Trixie blinked in unison.

"Okay. Now it can't get any worse."

"Please stop jinxing it."
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/4/23/1419494__safe_artist-colon-sketchmcreations_trixie_all+bottled+up_spoiler-colon-s07e02_absurd+res_annoyed_female_floppy+ears_mare_open+mouth_pony_simpl.png

"OH FER CHRISSAKE, I JUST PAID THE THING OOOOOFF!!!"

Guess it sucks to be you, Howard.

[JDPrime22]

And then, Howard was the first one to almost drop the f-bomb in the MCU. Well, second one. The Punisher was the first.

[Awesomo3000]

Wonder what'll happen when someone comes across Howard?

"Dat's a DUCK! Dat's a DUCK, man!"

[Boltstrike58]

"I think it's lovely." Maud's half lidded eyes appreciated the bedazzled banner and the exotic lettering using for writing the title. " It only says 'Welcome Back, Starlight Glimmer.' Where is everypony else's name?"

Trixie rolled her eyes. "It would be utterly impossible for Trixie to fit all those extremely long names in the banner! But, if you insist on criticising it..." She levitated a permanent marker up from the ground and used it to write: And everypony else, including Spike. in the corner of the banner.

Ya think you could cool it with the nepotism, Trixie?

The belly of the metallic vulture smashed through the various party tables and completely flung everything on them into the air or into the ground. Wood and plastic splinters littered the sky like dull fireworks, but it was nothing compared to the climatic smash of the top half of her home. A piece of her heart broke as she washed the top half disappear in a loud blur and then reappear as many broken pieces scattered along the grassy Plains beneath them. The metallic object continued on as if nothing had happened, but the damage spoke volumes as it disappeared from her thoughts. Trixie sadly surveyed the damage, her lips forming a deep pout as her eyes watered.

Oh, for God's sake, Howard.

[Frazzle2Dazzle]

...Aaaaaand, that's the story of how Fluttershy got her talking duck pet.

[canehdianbacon]

Oh, Duck me!...

I’ll go.

[Nightspawn]

8387893
Huh I always thought it was Nick in Infinity War..

[Skittlebug]

9842629
Nick was cut off before he could finish it.