• Published 20th Aug 2017
  • 2,864 Views, 355 Comments

The Road Trip of A-Holes! - Sense of Humor



Seven entirely different beings embark on the weirdest trip.

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6
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 2,864

The Power WITHIIIIIIIIN!!!

"Mantis, Look out for that debris!" Drax shouted to Mantis' unconscious body. He frowned at the lack of response from her and shrugged at everyone else. "I tried to warn her guys."

Nebula glanced at Gamora with a weary frown. "Is it possible to slap the stupid out of him?"

Gamora sighed. "I wish it were so."

Trixie didn't like the look of the sparkling blue veins starting to reappear on the ground, like hundreds of spider webs of energy. “Uh, How long until that bomb goes off?”

Rocket unsheathed a fairly sizeable gun, especially for one of his height. He glanced back at Ego's core and gave an uncertain shrug. “In the unlikely event that Groot doesn’t kill us all… about six minutes.”

Gamora tensed up. “You gave the bomb to Groot?!”

Yondu raised his wrist up to his chin, speaking into the comms there. “Kraglin, we need the quadrant for an extraction. T-minus five minutes!”

The Guardians and the ponies kept themselves wary and ready for Ego's eventual resurfacing. Quill’s mask slid back into place on his face, muffling his voice with that familiar robotic noise. “Somebody’s gotta be up top when Kraglin arrives. Drax, take Mantis.” He commanded and when Drax lifted her bridal style, he slapped an Aero-rig on his back--instantly activating and taking off.


Drax's final parting words to them were: OW! MY NIPPLES! AAAAAAAUGH!”

Rocket snickered. Derpy nervously glanced around at the tentacles surging from the distances around them, collecting rocks to give themselves a dangerously sharp look. A ghoulish moan vibrated the air with an intense baritone, and more blue veins appeared. Parts of the ground uplifted and practically exploded into another part of the ground, causing their flooring to rumble enough to disbalance them. “So what do we do?!”

“Stay alive long enough for the bombs to go off!” Quill remarked as he shot into the air and used his blaster to dismantle the first tendril racing towards them. He gasped when the ground not only split up below him but burst apart to fling Gamora, Nebula, and Maud away from him. “Gamora!”


UNGRATEFUL BRATS!!!

Trixie launched into the air, narrowly avoiding the tendril reaching for her hind legs and using her magic to blast it as well. Derpy fluttered over head to draw some attention away from the main group with Rocket in tow. Twisting in midair to see another onslaught approaching, she flicked out a whip of lightning to cut the tentacles in half. While some of them were indeed cut in half, one of them managed to evade her attack to lunge at her from below. Before it could fulfill its goal, however, she witnessed a certain red arrow dismantle it easily before flying back to the blue hand of its owner.

Yondu managed to give her a nod, but she wasn't given the chance to nod back thanks to the punch from behind sending her flying. Oddly, she didn't feel any pain as she was sent soaring into a rock peak a few hundred feet away, even when she actually broke through it and tumbled to a stop on the rough surface of the ground. Blinking away her dizziness, Trixie stood up to her four hooves to resume the fight, only to notice that her stance wasn't quite right.

She glanced at her right foreleg and shuddered at the condition it was in. Apparently smashing through the rocks and the ground had twisted it into a bizarre new angle--dislocated out of the socket. Before she could begin to wonder why she hadn't felt it at all in the crash, her ankle suddenly snapped back into place. She blinked foolishly and missed the sight of her shoulder rotating 90° to pop back into the socket loudly. And still, she hadn't felt anything. In fact, it was as if something else entirely had pulled her foreleg back into its former glory.

Though perplexed, she didn't waste time in rushing forward on all four hooves. She could ponder what other hidden talents her lineage gave her later.


Gamora wasn't very happy to slam face first into the side of the outer walls, grunting from the impact. She also wasn't very happy to find gravity inflicting its will upon her by dragging her down the fatal height the found herself at--increasing speed with every half second she plummeted. She wasn't very happy about the thought of becoming a very green splatter on the ground that was about to explode in six minutes time. She was only ever pleasantly surprised when she found that her fall was halted by an outstretched hand, locking with her own.

Nebula rolled her eyes at the somewhat hopeful grin sent her way. "Oh, Get over it."

She let go of the rock with her metal hand when a boulder floated up to them, courtesy of the pony who landed on it shortly thereafter. Summoning the use of her Asteroid Gloves once again, she caused a cliff face to form by extracting rock from the walls around them and they all clambered onto the plateau-like surface. The three of them instantly noted the tendrils rising from the ground to attack their legs, working together to stop them from doing just that. Maud enlisted the aid of small pebbles and rocks the size of her head to crush their attackers, while The Daughters of The Titan were just fine to slice through them whenever they sprouted up. If one of them slipped up and one of the tentacles darted towards their weak spot, one of the sisters would slice it in two. Maud lifted her pet out of her sweater and held him up to her snout. "Okay, get 'em Boulder."

Boulder practically leaped from her hoof when she tossed him, flying high to strike the side of the wall as too many tendrils appeared to stop. The wall instantly crumbled and broke off into small pieces--each one somehow landing directly on a tentacle and nowhere else. When there was nothing but a garden of crushed rocks surrounding them, Maud caught Boulder and settled him in her shirt again--though not before nuzzling the small pebble. Nebula glanced in Gamora's direction.

Gamora just shook her head. "I'm not even questioning anything right now, "

Suddenly, a wave of dangerous energy surged up from the side, forming together to create a massive Scythe bent on slicing right through them. Maud raised a dome of thick rock over their heads to protect them and made it stayed steady enough to withstand blows. Though it did just that, there was no telling how long it would be until it gave way.


Ego's face had formed several hundred yards away, a mixture of rocks, his energy, and an angry expression. His pupiless eyes were trained on the combined efforts of Quill either killing off the 'fingers' rushing towards him or leading them to Trixie, who was becoming more and more natural at destroying them. The oldest celestial scoffed at their futile resistance. "Come now, Children! I know this isn’t what you want! What kind of father or uncle would I be to let you make this choice?!"

Trixie bolted forward at the giant face, charging up her horn for a powerful blast that nailed him right in his left eye. "Maybe the SANE kind!"

It definitely hurt him, but not enough to put him out of commission forever. Ego roared with fury at her, with enough vibrational force to shoot her off into another series of pillars again-- allowing his focus to return to his true heir and his useless allies. With a flurry of tentacles rising to catch him, far more than he could gun down, Rocket quickly reached into a belt much and used his paw to fling an array of tiny mechanisms at the tentacles. In mid-flight, they finally caught him, but not in the way they intended. The mechanisms created a force bubble around him that prevented the fingers from crushing him easily, although it still left him trapped with no means of escape.

Yondu's whistling lasted him a long time, but he wasn't able to keep from getting taken down as well. A shower of rocks and sediment lunged at him when his arrow was farthest from him, quickly pinning the blue pirate to the ground and breaking his arrow almost effortlessly. Try as he might battle against the weight slowly crushing him, he couldn't move.

Groot was close to the heart of Ego--he could feel it thumping through the core from somewhere. But the already narrow walls of the passages were squeezing down on him, cutting off his oxygen and making him whimper fearfully.

"Soon, ...We will be all that there is! "

Derpy's Domino Gun could only protect her so far. The electric bursts from the cannon-like weapon did well in repelling the dangers constantly nearing her, and even briefly immobilizing several tentacles at once. But all it took was a distraction from one for another to get to her. She grunted in surprise as it swiftly wrapped her up to her mouth and squeezed like the deadly grip of a python around its prey. Oxygen was wrung from her lungs as fast as a bullet, but she found herself in an up-mountain battle to inhale against the increasing pressure around her neck and chest.

Several miles above, Drax was startled see giant tentacles dragging down the Ravager's giant ship, attempting to crush Kraglin inside it. The Grey Alien soon found himself struggling to stay up in the air when Ego's fingers grabbed ahold of him and Mantis' unconscious body as well.


"So stop PISSING ME OFF! "


Trixie and Quill continued their fight with all they had left in them; Quill's blasters were on rapid fire and the showmare's horn produced a steady, thick beam of electricity. They fired with all their strength against the conjoined fingers forming one gargantuan tentacle, trying to kill it before it complete its journey towards them. As their efforts failed and they struggled to get up after being nearly crushed by the slap of the tentacle, the giant face of the planet drained into a single body--slowly forming a smaller body from scratch.

Ego's skeleton bristled with disappointment, his eye sockets filled with blinding light. "I told you… I don’t want to do this alone!"

Quill barely had time to notice his helmet being utterly shattered and useless before he was stabbed through the spine once more by one of the battery tendrils, giving his body that agonizing sense of paralysis all over again. Trixie joined him in that disturbing feeling, but the tendril seemed to be getting...thinner; weaker the more she struggled against it. Ego either didn't notice it or didn't care. Perhaps he was too busy reusing the muscles and nervous system slowly returning to blanket his skeleton. "Neither of you can deny… the purpose the universe has bestowed upon you, to help me!"

Ego didn't even inch when the tendril attempting to harness the unicorn's power suddenly exploded, leaving her planting and wheezing "It doesn’t need to be like this! The three of us can make things right! Why are you destroying our chance?" He looked at Quill longingly, extending a hand towards his son. "Stop pretending you aren’t what you are. We're more important than billions. Trillions. Even more. What greater meaning can life possibly have to offer than THAT?!"

The light blue mare narrowed her brightly glowing eyes to slits and snorted in a fairly unladylike manner. "...Trixie...is sick and tired OF YOUR PSYCHOTIC RANTING!"

Surprisingly, Ego was the one to charge into her with a furious roar. They both tumbled over each other farther and farther away from Quill, who was still trapped in the painful grip of the tentacle. Quill found himself drifting into memories after his father questioned why he resisted so much, perhaps a way of life flashing before his eyes. He recalled many things in his life-- watching the clouds with his mother next to him, laughing with Drax over something funny, testing the Aero-rigs with Rocket in the air, feeding a much smaller Groot, dancing with Gamora... Yondu. He fondly looked back over his childhood under the watch of Yondu, spying bad moments but strangely more good ones than he remembered. He could see Yondu teaching him how to shoot a blaster, putting a blanket over him when he was half asleep, secretly admiring the talent of a kid who could squeeze down into tight crevices...Many more memories floated by until a familiar voice broke him from his trance. He used all his strength to turn his head towards the blue Ravager now, trapped under piles upon piles of rocks.

"Quill! I don’t use my head to fly the arrow, boy!" He shouted. " I use my heart…!"

Quill blinked at that, finding a sudden change in his chest; a sort of spreading warmth that attacked the tendril.

The power he had trouble accessing rose within him slowly. He angrily gritted his teeth and forced him to rise one knee at a time. The more height he gained, the more of the tendril dissolved into nothing. Quill growled as the finger of Ego left completely, and untapped power pounded through his veins like never before, making his fists glow a wonderful Earthly green color like his home. He smiled down at his vibrating fists, then turned sharply towards the sounds of struggle behind him.

Trixie.

Ego.

Peter's eyes glowed like flashlights. " You shouldn’t have killed my mom...and squished my Walkman."


Ego pushed her through the ground at Mach 5, only stopping when her head collided with the base of a small mountain. Even then, he took her into the air with him and then smashed right through the rocky floor itself, using her body to drill through it and back up into a different area. Trixie recovered fast enough to attempt performing a spell, but Ego's hand closed over the horn before it could light up.

Trixie screamed as she felt her horn snap effortlessly against his palm, even if she couldn't feel the pain for some reason. "No!"

Ego reared back with her body and launched her into the farthest set of pillars once again--this with greater speed and intensity than before. His hand morphed into a vicious looking blade the moment she hit the tough rock, extending his arm as fast as a bullet towards her. Perhaps the blow had knocked her out or the pain of the blade stabbing through her ribs took the fight out of her instant. Either way, she went as limp as a ragdoll instantly with only the lack of movement and the flow of fresh blood to know he hit his mark. He frowned in the midst of his beard returning to him. Ego wasn't expecting that to actually kill Trixie, and yet it apparently did the job. Perhaps her horn was the source of her immortality and strength, thusly meaning that breaking it rendered her mortal and easy to--

Her head lifted up so fast that he missed it in a blink.

Ego's eyes widened when he took notice of her face. Gone were the purple irises and even her pupils; they were replaced by an otherworldly white and were opened farther than her anatomy should have allowed. Black fluid with the consistency of tar leaked from her eyes and her jaws, incidentally giving her unsettling moans a gurgling undertone. Her mouth had been open to horrifying lengths, but now they were slowly closing into a fearsome grimace.

Ego was torn between disgust and fear; he knew everything about the universe thanks to the time he took studying it. This was new and something he had never faced before. "...What...are you?"

"Htaed sraef amonTbel. amonTbel si lanretE. Eht lleb lliw gnir dna eh lliw emoc." A voice leagues deeper than Trixie's boomed from her throat, speaking tongues not uttered in centuries upon centuries. Not that he would know, as he had never heard them before. "Htaed sraef sih egdelwonk."

Her horn reformed itself from being broken in a few seconds. Any limbs put out place were back together again, or reset from being broken or shattered. Trixie's hooves raised robotically and settled upon the blade question of his hand. Before he could recoil from this unknown danger, she vomited a fresh helping of the writhing black tar substance all over the blade his hand had formed. Instantly, an acidic sort of pain blazed away at him, at his own hand before it was sudden severed off and eaten into nothing by the substance. Trixie fell limply to the ground as Ego screamed and stared at the stump of where his hand had been. Reforming a new hand would have been easy before, but for some reason, he couldn't get the slightest molecule to heal. Like some kind of celestial fire, the tar burned off the stump and wasn't allowing anything to extend from it. He would probably be one-handed forever, but Quill didn't let him think about it for long.

Trixie awakened from the ground and shook her light head; when did she black out? Was it because of her broken horn...or rather...her not-broken horn? She was surprised to feel that it was still all in one piece when she felt it snap apart earlier...then again, it could just been adrenaline talking. She looked up to where she thought Ego might be, gasping when she saw Quill ramming into him from the side at full force. One of Starlord's fists had formed a cartoonish wooden hammer, to beat his father over the head with it with appropriate cartoon sound effects. And he was flying just like her, without the use of his equipment, so he must have some serious power to him now. Even The Great and Powerful Trixie alone couldn't bring the battle with Ego to a stalemate...but with Peter to help?

She watched Quill launch Ego into one of the towering stalactites from above, only for the villain to quickly recover. Trixie grinned and flexed her shoulders, while her horn flashed brighter than ever. "Time for a Great and Powerful finale!"