The Road Trip of A-Holes!

by Sense of Humor

Shortest Apocalypse Ever

Gamora finally got a signal, grinning. "Finally! Rocket?"

Sure enough, his voice came through. " Keep that transmitter nearby, so I can find you. We’re in an old piece of construction equipment Yondu once used… to slice open the Bank of A ‘askavaria, if I'm correct."

Gamora nervously held the transmitter. "Hurry. Ego’s unhinged." She glanced up, alongside the others to see Yondu's sizeable spacecraft descending from the dawning sky, showing as it began to approach them.

"I know. Yondu filled me in, " He explained. " Get ready."

Gamora did a double take, raising an eyebrow. "What? Yondu is on board with you?"

Nebula cast a sharp smirk down to Maud. "I told you it would only take half an hour."

---

Ego whipped his hands this way and that, sending his energy racing after the two demigods whom he just couldn't seem to hit. They always seemed to be a step or two ahead of his grasp, utilizing their skills together to keep them safe. Still, they weren't exactly able to much more than that; Trixie couldn't think to attack Ego while fending off the tentacles, and Quill was in the same exact position. They both collectively flew around the giant space of the building, zapping away or blasting away to keep themselves uncaptured for just a little longer.

"This isn't--" Quill narrowly dodged a tentacle, then narrowly managed to shoot at another incoming one. "Getting us anywhere!"

Trixie released an explosive burst of energy to stun the tendrils momentarily, then shot off the walls with her hooves. "Yeah! I'm gonna try something! Keep me covered!" Despite the protests she heard, she shot downwards towards the older celestial with a building electric charge in her horn. With just the right momentum to go with her attack, they might have a chance of gaining some ground with the all-powerful being. Ego narrowed his eyes in her direction a little too early, and she flinched at the massive blue blur coming at her from her peripheral.

Quill's eyes widened as he witnessed the blue unicorn in her failed attempt, smashed into the ground by a swatting tendril. "Trixie!" With an enraged yell at his father, the demigod tried to execute Trixie's plan himself and ended up forgetting the many blue tentacles that were previously trying to stop him. One in particular stabbed right through his back with a hooking maneuver and poked out through his torso like electricity passing through one's body. Quill roared in agony as the blue energy paralyzed his muscles almost instantly, his voice rousing a certain pony from her brief unconsciousness.

"Quill!"

She started to fly at him, but another tentacle was too fast for her. Like Quill, she suffered a brief moment of searing agony as the tentacle stabbed through her back reappeared from her heart. She struggled to move against the paralysis as she and Quill were slowly positioned in front of the evil deity behind the condensed energy tendrils. Ego sneered as had walked up to them, nothing but disappointment in his intense gaze. "Look at you...even with all of your strength, " He shook his head. "You still fail to grasp the bigger picture."

Quill struggled to talk through the thudding pain coursing through him, trumping any other pain he could imagine in his life. "You...you're in...sane…"

"I'm saving the universe." Ego rolled his eyes dispassionately. "I know a few people in the universe who would agree with what I'm doing wholeheartedly."

He noticed something on the ground, with a mild glint in the rising sunlight. The Celestial looked down and eventually kneeled to pick up the metallic object that had fallen from his son's jacket, staring at it with saddened intensity. Quill and Trixie struggled uselessly as Ego continued to stare at the Walkman still playing it's music, unaware of the powerful hands holding it. The old being swallowed a lump in his throat and a sighed slowly. "My life, my love. My lady is the sea…"

He held up the Walkman. "...Peter...this is the sea."

He crushed it.

Before Quill even had a chance to watch his beloved device crumble to the ground in a pile of destroyed pieces, his eyes exploded with raw blue energy and a higher form of pain. Trixie slowly joined him when Ego pressed further inward with his influence, connecting the raw power within them and channeling it into the many seeds he planted across the universe.

---

Tony Stark had an odd feeling.

It was the feeling one gets when they go camping in the woods and they encounter a bear, only to realise that fresh can of Bear Spray is sitting on the counter at home, miles out of reach. He didn't know exactly why this feeling was thrust upon him since he wasn't the type to go camping in the woods and was in fact in one of his fancy penthouses miles from any wildernesses and even farther from bears. It could be his recent days, spent busy with intense political matters, lengthy law signings and getting punched in the face repeatedly by the guy his dad couldn't stop talking about for years. Maybe it was also that bubbly, talkative kid that was on his mind since the Airport incident. Or maybe it was just the seventeen coffees he'd drunken that morning finally kicking in.

The point was that Tony had this bizarre feeling.

Getting out here had been a strange sort of rush for a small, quick vacation from the madness. Pepper was in the penthouse with him--had been for the past few hours--getting into her lovely blue dress for the evening with him. It was a wonder they ever got to see each other anymore what with life-threatening events, emotions and they occasional deadly argument...but there was still a thread between them, somehow. Tony himself wore a snazzy tuxedo, practically jogging up and down the halls because of his 'Stark-y sense'. After about two minutes of this, he finally decided to calm his nerves with some sightseeing and found himself by the giant window a few moments later. Sighing, the billionaire Avenger looked through his electronic binoculars helpfully displayed on the window, allowing him to see farm fields far in the distance as well as towering trees and cliche barns. He settled on the Dairy Queen a few miles out and did two double takes.

A giant blob was forming very slowly behind the building, like a massive pulsing slug that was trying to climb up a hill. It was alien, a being not from this world that was trying to grow forth and demolish all in its path. He blinked in surprise as the blue gelatinous mass nearly crested the entire building, though swallowing it would take a few more hours. Still, that didn't stop Tony from bolting towards the bedroom.

He never told Pepper, but he brought a modified MK 42 suit that had been copied and made exclusively for secretive travel--you just couldn't be too prepared for anything nowadays. He flung open the closet doors in search of the metallic suitcase stored in the corner. Nothing. Not a single glint of red or yellow in sight. Tony cringed, softly slammed his head against the wall and sighed.

"Honey?"

The shuffling noises from the bathroom stopped. "What?"

"Where's Mark Thirty Two?"

"What?"

He walked over to the door in exasperation, stomping for emphasis. "WHERE. IS. MARK.THIRTY-TWO?!"

Pepper paused awkwardly. "I, uh...put it away."

"Where?!" He was halfway through flipping the mattress over when he asked that, trying to look under the bed.

"Why do you need to know?"

Parker would have been proud to see the way Tony was clinging to the ceiling, prodding the attic door. "I need it!"

"Oh no you don't! I will not allow you to and ditch this date too!" She growled from the bathroom. "It felt we were in that car for two months!"

"The Public is in danger!" Tony announced in mid sprint towards the living room.

"My evening's in danger!"

"YOUTELLMEWHEREMYSUITISPEPPER!" He practically shrieked as he lifted the couch up. "We are talking about the greater good!"

Ooh. Not good to say.

"Greater Good? GREATER GOOD?!" She began to roar through the wood, making Tony cringe in the worst way possible. "I'M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!"

---

Ego laughed at his triumph.

"Finally! In ten minutes, I will have saved the universe from what it's taken thirteen billion years to do!" He proclaimed righteously, his eyes as dark as the night in order to view his essence already spreading across every planet he'd visited. The Gravity on some planets slowed his essence, but in time they too would become him. "Yes, " He announced to the disobedient Celestials before him, forcefully having their energy stripped from them. They couldn't hear him in their current state, but it still helped to have an audience no matter how unwilling they were. He flinched as he sensed a sudden pulse from his left, eyes flickering to a certain individual.

The energy tendril he'd hooked into her melted slowly until it became nothing--absorbing into her body like a sponge. Her unknown potential was becoming too much of a threat to his plans--he'd come too far to let someone more powerful dictate the fate of the universe. He conjured energy tentacle as she struggled to regain her bearings on the floor, then hardened the density of the tentacle until a blade of sleek metal was pointing at her. The blade reared back and--

"Hey There, jackass!"

--Ego was crushed before he had the chance to be insulted by the loudspeakers of the ship.

Trixie was luckily able to fully awaken in time to catch Quill before he fell to hard bronze floor, using her telekinetic spell to lower him down slowly. From her peripheral, she saw that Gamora, Drax and Mantis were rushing in through the hole the small ship had made, trailed by Maud and that emotionless cyborg lady she never quite got the name of. Seeing as how she wasn't trying to kill anypony or anybody, Trixie decided not to blast her into the outer reaches of the atmosphere and instead rushed to duck her head under Quill's arm. Her muscles flared up as if they were on fire, but she still guided the human over to a rather frantic looking Zebhori.

"Quill?!" She saw he was alive and changed her whole demeanor again. "I told you there was something wrong about him--didn't I tell you?!"

Trixie shoved him towards the ship and everyone seemed to follow suit by helping their leader to walk with buckling his knees. Even while busy, Trixie still found the time to glare up at the green-skinned woman. "Seriously Gamora?!" She asked aloud. "Not only is that a useless thing to say, but its also childish to point out! Just accept that he learned the truth and move on!"

As soon as the words left her mouth, the unicorn was actually certain she was going her head twisted 360°, but the green woman actually seemed to consider the outburst. With an apologetic sigh, she ripped the door to the ship open and helped pull Quill in. "I apologize, Peter. I shouldn't be rubbing this in your face. I'll accept this, "

"Will you accept the unspoken thing between us?" Starlord wheezed a dry laugh, only to whine when Gamora gave him an unpleasant pinch on the ear. He stumbled his way past Groot, who tried to be helpful to those arriving. His first intended target to help was Drax, so he held out his hands to help the burly man in.

"Out of the way, smaller and more annoying Groot!" He swatted him aside as he climbed in, though Groot would try to thwack him with his branches on the way in. Maud gingerly stepped over the plant in his futile attack, running straight into a certain woodland creature and a grey pegasus.

"This ship could have exploded on impact, " Maud scolded him. "We could have all died."

"Uh… "Thank you, Rocket" is the word you're looking for, lady." Rocket sneered and nudged Derpy painfully with his elbow. "These people don't give me any respect, Derpy. You know what I mean?"

She shook her head. "No respect at all."

Drax kicked aside Groot without even realising it. " We had it under control!"

Mantis raised an eyebrow at him. "We barely arrived in tie. Besides, that is only an extension… of his true self. He will be back soon."

"Speaking of being back, what’s Smurfette doing here?" Starlord inquired upon fully realising that Gamora's equally dangerous cyborg sibling was in the corner, silently regretting ever meeting these people. He shrugged when Trixie eyed him quizzically. "It's a cartoon, you know? There's a bunch of half-naked blue dudes and one girl and--"

Trixie closed her eyes tightly. "I don't wanna know where this is going."

Nebula rolled her eyes. "I'm doing whatever I need to do to get a damn ride home."

Rocket looked skeptical. "She tried to murder me and Derpy!"

She glared daggers at him. " I saved you, you stupid fox!"

Maud gently petted her leg. "Nebula…"

"Sorry."

The entire ship seemed to go silent for a while in surprise, with Gamora having the most bemused expression in history as she glanced back and forth between her sister and the highly persistent pony. "Wow. You're actually saying sorry to her? What did I miss between you two?"

"It's called respect, Sister." She responded as nonchalantly as she could. "I give it to those who deserve it."

Rocket snickered. "Yeah, sure. When's the wedding?"

"Shut up, fox."

Maud sighed. "He’s not a fox."

" I am Groot."

" I’m not a raboon, either."

"I am Groot! I am Groot. I am Groot."

"Okay, okay. 'Raccoon.' Whatever."

Daggers unsheathed and ready to slash, Drax looked at Mantis. " How do we kill a Celestial?"

Peter was the one who piped up, all too eager to get down to business. " There’s a center to him. His brain, his soul, whatever it is… Some sort of protective shell."

Mantis nodded in agreement. " It’s in the caverns… below the surface of this planet."

Derpy flapped into the air. "Alright, so all we gotta do is dig to the center of the earth and blow up his soul! As dark and gruesome as that sounds, I think it's doable." She flew into the front section of the ship and landed next to the red finned pilot. "What do you think, Yondu?"

Peter blinked in surprise, already stumbling his way over to the seat next to the pilot and frowning when he finally confirmed who it was for himself. Yondu Udonta, scruffy beard and all was getting the ship's thrusters to start back up. There was a tense sort of silence as they both eyed each other, before Quill gave his patented lopsided smirk. "Guess I should be glad I was a skinny kid. Otherwise, you’d have delivered me to this maniac."

Yondu chuckled, shaking his head. "You still reckon that’s the reason I kept you around, y'idiot?"

"That’s what you kept telling me, you old doofus. That I wasn't ever good for anything else?"

"Nah, boy. Once I figured out what happened to them other kids… I wasn’t just gonna hand you over. Even I got a heart, beneath this cold, handsome exterior."

"Oh really? What about all those times you said you were gonna eat me?"

Yondu grinned even brighter as the entire ship began to rise in the air, gaining a couple feet worth of levitation thanks to the strong power of the thrusters beneath the metal hide. "Aw come on--That was being funny! Didn't you find it funny?"

"NO!"

Derpy squealed into her hooves like a giddy schoolgirl. "Ooooh, it's just like an adoptive dad to make jokes their children either don't understand or groan at!"

While Yondu resisted the urge to facepalm, Quill thought his eyebrows would leap off his face from surprise. "Adoptive dad? He's not...I...he wasn't really--"

Trixie popped up next to Yondu and tapped his elbow. "Hi! Since he's your adopted son, that makes me your adopted niece! Your eating jokes are hilarious, by the way!"

Rocket slowed next to Quill and sighed. "Your family has issues, man."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Of course I have issues…"

An otherworldly moan silenced all in the ship, bringing their attention to what was slowly rising beyond the glass of the windshield. Quill leaned back, startled by the haunting image of the ghoulish blue figure floating in front of the ship with pupiless eyes and a mouth opening far too wide. The body grew slowly but sure, causing the figure to loom over them with an increasing sense of volume.

"--That’s my freakin’ father!"

Everyone reacted with their own unique ways of expressing shock or disgust, but Derpy expressed her shock by clinging tightly to Yondu's head and glaring her wings. "Go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward!"

That he did--after ripping the pony off his face, of course. Yondu punched the controls forward and sent the ship ripping right through Ego's reforming body with ease. While his form withered away once again, the sturdy metal of the hull proved good enough to survive another crash through bronze walls. Quill leaned over to push the controls down when they broke through, and their surroundings lurched backwards as momentum came into play."

Yondu swallowed as he saw how fast the ground was approaching him. "You know...we should be going up, boy."

Peter tsked his disapproval of that option. " We can’t! Ego wants to eradicate the universe as we know it, and he's immortal. He won't stop until he finds me and Trixie again, and then he can he do what he wants. We have to kill him. Rocket, get ready to dig us a hole!"

For the first time since their previous argument, Rocket smiled eagerly and did as instructed. With a whistle for help, he was soon dragging forth a very sizable bag from the back to the front. There was perhaps another thirty seconds before impact, so he took his time getting ready. " So, we’re saving the galaxy again, guys...?"

Gamora shared a grin with Drax, almost too eager to leap into a good battle alongside those she cared for. "...I guess so."

Derpy used her teeth to unzip the bag, then smiled brightly. "I could get used to this space hero thing!"

" Awesome! " Rocket emptied the contents of the bag out of the open door: seemingly ordinary metal spheres with a metallic grip on the floor. The rolled their way out of the ship and began to slither into certain grooves between the metal plates, positioning just right. "We’re really gonna be able to jack up our prices if we’re two-time galaxy savers, AND if we have a bigger group!"

Peter laughed, turning back to shake his head at the raccoon. "Bro, I seriously can’t believe that’s where your mind immediately goes."

"Hey, It was just a random thought, man! I thought we were friends. " The Trash Panda warmly announced, unleashed a heavy looking remote control. "Of course, I care about the planet and the buildings… and uh...all the animals on the planets...yeah…"

Maud cracked the slightest smile as she walked up beside him. "And the people…?"

Rocket shrugged. " Meh. They're more of a downside to the job. They're lucky I pity them."

Mantis giggled to Drax, a gigantic smile spreading. "The crabby puppy is so cute--He makes me wanna die!"

Comments

[Paulli]

"Where's Mark Thirty Two?"

"What?"

He walked over to the door in exasperation, stomping for emphasis. "WHERE. IS. MARK.THIRTY-TWO?!"

[Rhettbutler]

"Greater Good? GREATER GOOD?!" She began to roar through the wood, making Tony cringe in the worst way possible. "I'M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!"

Absolutely fantastic

Great continuation

[Frazzle2Dazzle]

"Greater Good? GREATER GOOD?!" She began to roar through the wood, making Tony cringe in the worst way possible. "I'M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!"

You... You just HAD to go there, didn’t you?

[JDPrime22]

Oh, dear Lord that Incredibles reference. Beautiful... beautiful...

[Skittlebug]

"Greater Good? GREATER GOOD?!" She began to roar through the wood, making Tony cringe in the worst way possible. "I'M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!"

Insert Frozone Joke Here