• Published 20th Aug 2017
  • 2,864 Views, 355 Comments

The Road Trip of A-Holes! - Sense of Humor



Seven entirely different beings embark on the weirdest trip.

  • ...
6
 355
 2,864

The Storm

Trixie brushed a lock of her mane out of her hair, and didn’t quite know how to physically respond to the recount of details given. After an odd frown, she took the silent moment as an opportunity to speak up. “That does sound kinda...irrational about her. But...perhaps you’re both sorta overreacting? Just a little bit?”

Quill frowned as well, though it was more in disbelief than in nervous spirits, like Trixie’s frown. His walkman was playing at a slow pace, gently wafting sounds from his headphones into a single ear thanks to their angled position. From his leaning position near the balcony doorway, he tensely squared his shoulders and shook his head. “Pfft. No way. I don’t overreact unless there’s a death involved...Okay, granted my mom is involved, but my point still stands. I acted completely calm about this--SHE’S the one who overreacted. Gamora is basically just...telling me to throw away the last thing I have left of a family.”

There was a stretch of silence afterwards, one that could have been dramatic under more serious circumstances. She playfully threw a nearby pillow at his head, secretly enjoying the hidden strength of her horn’s magic. “Well, that didn’t sting at all, cousin,” Quill uttered an apologetic laugh, but Trixie just rolled her eyes. “I get your point though. I really do. I'm just saying that...She's only doing this because she cares about you!”

The Space hero mulled over that unspoken love talk with Gamora, then sighed at the direction it had gone. He shuffled over and sat on the couch next to her, frowning deeply. “Well, she doesn't act like it...She never wants to admit anything going on between us.”

Trixie glanced over the way his body was positioned on the couch, then shrugged and adopted a position similar to his. It was strange seeing a pony sitting like a human from the corner of his eye, but if was strangely comforting that Trixie was trying to get on his level in every way possible. He idly wondered if that Starlight chick was behind this behavior. “Oh, please. She admits it by not admitting it. I haven't had any love interests as of yet, but it's a universal thing between all females! We allow the male to come to us through physical attraction, then we go into different phases of being flirty and being despondent. Gamora is keeping herself in control by doing 80% despondency and 20% Flirty stuff. The bigger the Despondency and Flirty stuff ratio is, the more interested she is in you.”

Quill blinked his wide, surprised eyes at her. “...So...does that mean Gamora is secretly more into me than I am into her?”

Trixie nodded with all the knowledgeable sass of a college professor in the face of a particularly dim-witted crowd of students. “Oh, she's drooling all over you. Just try to add in more flirtatious moments, and you'll reach a comfortable area for a more definitive relationship.”

“Wow.” He murmured. “So she doesn't have to be a dancer, like me?”

“She could have four left hooves, and she'd still be madly in love with you!”

“Man...this is kinda bizarre.”

“Yeah, we ladies like to psychologically torture men with all kinds of tricks! I'd tell you more, but I'm sworn to secrecy by the Super Secret Sisterhood of Sisters Syndicate Squad.”

Before he could have a moment's thought to process the secrets of the universe, there was the light but increasing noise of footsteps approaching from the hallway outside. As they both expected, Quill's father and Trixie's uncle strutted his way into the room with a casual smirk set ilon his bearded face. “You all right, son? I--uh--I saw your girl stomp off a little earlier in quite a huff.”

“Yeah. I had a bit of...lady trouble.” Quill remarked, but playfully ruffled his ‘cousin's mane. “But another lil lady had more than enough knowledge to help me out.”



Ego nodded in understanding of their conversation, though his eyes were drawn to his son's audio device with confusion. After Quill eagerly handed it over to him, the celestial's brows raised in surprise and mirth. “Hmm. It’s fortuitous…you listening to this song.”

“Yeah. You know…uh, Brandy? By Looking Glass?” When he noticed the confused pony, Starlord explained with a simple: “That song I showed you earlier.”

Ego chuckled warmly as he listened to the tune. “This...was a favorite of your mom’s. One of Earth’s greatest musical compositions--Perhaps its very greatest.” He started at the walkman, history flashing behind his old eyes as though he were watching a sad yet uplifting movie. “...Peter... you and I, we’re the sailor in that song.”

Trixie made a face, looking between the old man and his son. “How so?”

“Well, He came on a summer’s day. Bringing gifts from far away. Like the child I put in his mother…or the freedom he brought Gamora.” Ego explained with the utmost adoration written on his face and directed at his son. He listened for a while longer, then his face brightened up: “Brandy, you’re a fine girl~. What a good wife you would be. My life; my love. My lady is the sea. The sea calls the sailor back. He loves the girl...but...its not his place.”

Ego slowly handed him back his walkman, his adoring grin still present on his bearded chin. “The sea calls upon him as history calls upon great men. And sometimes we are deprived
the pleasures of...mortals.”

“Oh, right…” Trixie nudged Quill playfully with an elbow. “Your old man still has a lot of years left in him.”

Quill nudged her back. “Well, he may not be mortal, but we might live a pretty ripe age if we're lucky.”

“No, Son, Niece. We are all Celestials here. Death will remain a stranger to both of us…” The old man explained casually, as if he were simply saying their hair would remain brown and blue forever...which he technically was saying. “As long as the light burns within the planet.”

The half pony blinked slowly, her eyebrows raised high. “...I’m...immortal?

“Mmm-hmm.”

“R-Really?”

“Yes! As long as the light exists for me and Quill, we'll live forever. And you don't have to worry about this planet, so you'll definitely live forever.”

Quill expected to see a look of delight on her face when he glanced over, but he glimpsed a brief look that seemed to be the exact opposite. Her proud expression was melting away into a look of worry, then ultimately the slightest tinge of sadness. The theory behind the silent mood shift made him down as well; this whole trip, she was probably only worried about getting to see that Starlight pony again. And now she was faced with prospect of their time together being even shorter even if she did get back to her. He frowned deeper when he tried to imagine himself in her dilemma; Gamora wasn't immortal, neither was anyone else. He didn't think he could take living forever while his friends…

Maybe there was something they could both do to stop that from happening. There was no need to be all mopey now anyway. So, Quill resumed smiling as he thought of another question to hastily ask. “And we can use our powers to build cool things…like how you made this whole planet?

Ego laughed heartily, then honestly shrugged. “It might take you a few million years of practice…before you get really good at it. But, yes!”

That seemed to bring Trixie into a lighter mood, at least partially. “You’re kidding! I can make a planet?!”

“Screw a planet! Get ready for an 800-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor--a-and Heather Locklear!”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Quill's pony pal squealed excitedly, kicking her legs in the air. “My planet is gonna be a giant purple Teacup and I'm gonna call it Purple Teacupia!”

The older celestial chuckled at them. “Ah, You kooky kids can do anything you want.”

Peter rubbed his hands together excitedly. “Oh--I’m gonna make some weird shit.”

“But you know, Son, it is a tremendous responsibility. Only we can...save the universe. You and me…” Ego sat down in front of him, his suddenly serious gaze boring into his son's. Quill shifted awkwardly at the change of tone, and Trixie blinked his way once or twice, but he nodded. His father sounded very serious...even worried, so he was certain this was important. “Only we can take the burden of the cosmos…and lead it to where it needs to go.”

“...How?”

Ego stared at him for the longest time, nodding slowly as his unknown thoughts reached a careful conclusion. “...Son, come with me.”

Trixie blinked as he stood up and Quill reluctantly did as well. “Uh, aren't I coming too?”

Ego looked as though he'd just remembered that Trixie was in the room with them. “No. This is a bit more of a family thing, I’m afraid.”

The mare chuckled that statement off. “Yeah, and I'm part of the family. Well, sure, I'm adopted but…”

Quill waved at her cautiously, then shrugged. “Ah, I'm sure we'll be back soon, Trix. Me and My dad are gonna...bond or fish or whatever and come right back later!”

The showmare celestial blinked with uncertainty, but eventually found herself settling back onto the couch. “Uh, okay. Don't be gone too long, ” She shrugged and tried to smile to dissuade any worries, which thankfully worked to get them moving towards the door. Sure, she would love to go with them to learn whatever Ego was intent on teaching it explaining, but she knew when to give people their space. Besides, Ego would probably have a one on one with her too when he was done with Quill.

"Baa-a."

“Hey, ” Trixie’s ears swiveled towards the balcony, and her eyes followed them. “Did you guys hear that?”

Ego and Quill stopped right at the door, then exchanged confused looks with each other. “Hear what?”

She scratched her mane in muted confusion. After a tense, uncomfortable silence, she slowly shook her head and laughed. “Nothing. Must've just imagined it. You guys go on!”

With calm speed, the two of them did eventually exit the room, leaving her in a room that slowly glowed the more the planet's star settled in the far distance. Trixie quickly forgot about the strange noise she heard in favor of boredly playing around with her newfound magic strength. She found it much easier to lift heavy objects than when she had no idea of her celestial strength, bringing her to admire her ability to lift all the furniture in the room nearly effortlessly. The blue energy that surrounded any inject she lifted looked...clearer, for some reason. Like a fine mist, but so much more. She would compare her magic to Starlight's when she got back.

Trixie chewed the inside of her mouth. Thinking about that made her realise that her time with Starlight seemed perilously short. When she thought she was just a normal unicorn, she always envied the longevity of Alicorns; they git see the world and look young while doing it. They didn't need to fear the slowly but nearing crawl of death, or the sluggishness of old age. But while the blue showmare might not ever have to experience it, she secretly feared seeing the form of her best friend wither away with time. Without Starlight, who would she go shopping with? Who would she get into magic related trouble with? Who would she get a new kite for every time her birthday popped up? That mare always had the most contagious grin when she got another seemingly boring kite to add to her collection. It was frickin’ adorable.

With a sigh, Trixie found that she couldn't imagine Quill having an easier time. Groot would probably last the longest, since he was still a toddler now, but had too would eventually die. Gamora still hadn't quite confessed her feelings, but Trixie hoped that it came sooner than later or too late. And even that lousy Trash Panda was--wait.

Gamora.

Hadn't she said something to Trixie before she came up here with Quill?

What was it…?


“Trixie, stay with Quill. I need you to do something for me...Keep an eye on him and keep a closer eye on Ego. If anything happens to Quill under your watch...No amount of celestial power will save you from me. Do you understand?”

Trixie shuddered, despite rolling her eyes at the memory. Gamora could probably win an award for ‘The Most Paranoid Woman In The Universe’ title, with no one even coming close to second or third place. Ego wasn't some mad lunatic with an agenda, no matter how hard she wanted to think that...but Trixie did sorta promise to keep an eye on them. If she was quiet enough, perhaps she could sneakily watch them from above and report to Gamora that she saw nothing out of the ordinary from the old man or his son. Maybe she would stop being so paranoid, she would admit things to Quill and Trixie could be an intergalactic cupid!

Trixie carefully crept out into the hallway, then set herself on a path that arched to the left and bordered itself with bronze railings. She could hear some muffled talking from down below, but she only ever managed to make anything out when paused right above their heads. “Now...Son, you need to readjust the way you process...life. Everything around us, including your girl…Everything is temporary.” That definitely sounded like Ego's voice. “ But for us? We are practically the embodiment of the word forever.”

She peered over the side of the gold path, just enough to look down to spot them both in the lobby of the palace. Quill, an eyebrow raised, coughed a little. “Yeah...about that...Doesn’t eternity get...boring?”

The older being shrugged half-heartedly, his face blocked from Trixie's view.

“Not really. Not if you have a purpose, Peter…which is why you’re here. You see, I told you how all those years ago…I had an unceasing impulse to find life. But what I did not tell you was how when I finally did find it…it was all so…” His hands curled into fists at sides, then I curled. “Disappointing...And that is when I came…to an extravagant realization. The greatest answer to the greatest question of my existence. My innate desire to seek out other life…was not so that I could walk among that life.”

Ego turned and slowly walked up to Starlord, his hand rising to his head. “Peter...I have found purpose.”


Trixie blinked. Quill blinked too, and his eyes were suddenly gone, replaced with the very depths of space itself. Inky blackness encompassed his gaze now, with little dots of light slowly swirling within like little stars. The pony felt herself start to drift starting into them, like some kind of strange hypnosis and she quickly brought her attention back to the human's face in its entirety to avoid being captured.

“I see him…” Quill gasped aloud. “I see Eternity.”

Trixie had an odd feeling in her gut; telling her that this was directed towards something wrong. But she had to see what was wrong, what was Ego talking about?

“I see him too, son.” Ego nodded in agreement and proudly summoned constructs of light to create a system of planets around them, some right next to Trixie as well. As she inspected them, she noticed that each planet had one or two blue dots on them--glowing eagerly to stand out against the colors of each planet. “I call it the Expansion. It is my purpose… and now it is yours as well.”

Peter murmured: “It’s beautiful…”

“ Over thousands of years after my enlightenment… I implanted millions of extensions of myself… on billions of worlds, one for the smaller ones and two for the biggest. I need to fulfill life’s one true purpose: To grow and spread across the universe… covering all that exists… until everything is Me!”

Trixie’s mind seemed to freeze hearing that statement, trying to process what his insane plan seemed to be. He couldn't be serious, could he? He had been nothing short of a kind old man this whole time! He couldn't want to commit universal genocide; he couldn't be insane. “ I only had one problem. A single Celestial doesn’t have enough power for such a task, no matter how strong their will is. But two Celestials… maybe even three? Well, now, that just might do something.”


Ego’s light constructs vanished into a billowing mist and then reformed themselves into a giant of Ego in his red jacket like before--when he was with Quill's mother. Trixie stifled the loud gasp she felt forming when she saw his younger image in intimate positions with other species of aliens. More than she could possibly want to count. “Out of all my righteous labors, the most beguiling was… attempting to graft my DNA with that of another species. I hoped the result of such a coupling would be enough… to power the Expansion--to give me another celestial. I had Yondu deliver most of them to me. It broke the Ravager code, but I compensated him generously… and to ease his conscience, I said I’d never hurt them.”

The old Celestial swallowed. “I mean, that was...partly true. They never felt a thing, intentionally. But one after the other, they failed me. I even kept myself away from some planets, knowing from experience with similar species that grafting would not work. Not one of them carried the Celestial genes…Until you, Peter. Out of all my spawn… only you carried the connection to the light. You...are the special.” He coughed. “The special one, I mean.”

Peter nodded slowly, and his deranged father laughed softly at first, only to grow louder and more triumphant. He turned his head skyward as if gazing up at someone who had done nothing but taunt him his entire life and laughing in their face. “For the first time in my existence… I am truly NOT ALONE!!!”

Trixie swallowed the bile in her throat and tried to stop her heart from beating so fast. What could she do? She may powerful, but she was severely inexperienced-- Ego had billions of years to perfect his craft. It would be like a white belt in Karate trying to fight a Military General--plus, Ego might use her as well to make things faster. No, she couldn’t fight him head on to save Quill...she just had to distract him, snap Quill out of his trance and hope they could run fast enough to escape. She glanced at Quill to gauge how fast she could reach him but noticed something off about his expression. Seconds later, Ego noticed it too. “...What is it, son?”


Peter sniffled, his expression sad. “ My friends. Gamora…

The old being tsked, shaking his head. “You see, that’s the mortal in you, Peter.”

Trixie hated seeing Peter now his head in shame. “...Yes.”

“We are beyond such things.”

“Yes.”

“ Now…

“ But my mother…” Peter began. “You said you loved my mother.”

“...And that I did.” Ego stopped entirely, turning back to him with sadness set upon his aged face. The Celestial was silent as he thought over his next words carefully, and he seemed to genuinely be sad at the memories behind his old eyes. Trixie shakily moved herself to be ready to pounce at him, to take him by surprise and hopefully briefly subdue him. “My river lily who knew all the words to every song that came over the radio. I returned to Earth to see her three times. And I knew if I returned a fourth…I’d never leave. The Expansion…the reason for my very existence would be over. So, I did what I had to do. I left her. But…”





He sighed, frowning. “It broke my heart to put that tumor in her head.”





Time stopped moving.

The air itself became still.

Trixie completely forgot about her plan of action, her fear of Ego and everything else except those words. Her jaw fell, her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and her mind drew a subconscious blank. First felt utterly sickness, then utterly horrified and utterly saddened for not only Meredith Quill but the one who Ego spoke to.

Quill hadn't moved at all in the three millisecond time span that followed his father's words; his body had stiffened into a statue of lethargic shock. The blackness of his eyes faded away into his normal pupils, made glossy by the sudden onset of tears welling up. He seemed to notice nothing else in the physical world, even when he staring straight ahead at a murderer's back. “...What?”

Ego held his hands up in light defensive, as if he'd merely told an offensive joke. “Now, I know that sounds bad--

Giant blue lightning blasts tore right through a good chunk of his head and red hot blaster shots zipped through his body not long after.

Starlord screamed bloody murder through his tears and over the sound of his blasters unloading into the body of Ego, and Trixie grit her teeth in outrage the more her horn funneled out short bursts of highly damaging bolts. Quill didn't even seem to notice her until they both stopped firing at Ego, and they both exchanged emotional glances with each other. Trixie wished she knew what to say to him--if anything--but she wasn't given much time to think. She joined Quill's surprised look as they both noticed Ego was still standing.

With giant, gaping holes in his body.

The Celestial groaned as if he were having a mild headache, and reached up to touch where part of his head used to be. He blinked his one remaining eye as he felt the hole, now inexplicably beginning to hsal and replace the flesh it lost to the destructive blasts. Ego blinked again, looked down at the other healing wounds in his body and then gave Trixie and Quill the most ‘WTF’ expression in the history of incredulous looks.

“Who, “ His throat was still healing, so he sounded off. “In the hell do you think you two are?!”


Peter roared at him. “YOU KILLED MY MOTHER!!!”

Trixie’s horn lit up in a defensive manner, matching her disgusted expression. “How could do that and claim you loved her?! You're not a celestial, you're a monster!”

Ego’s head briefly morphed into a familiar face-- the face of David Hasselhoff that Quill showed her earlier. “I am the best Dad in history! I tried so hard to find the form that best suited him… and this is the thanks I get? The both of you really need to GROW UP!”

Giant tendrils of blue surged forth from the ground, their energy coursing with the strength of the entire planet. Even though they braced themselves, Quill and Trixie both grunted as they were slapped backwards across the room by the tendrils. They both lept to their feet/hooves quickly, with Quill preparing his blasters and his equine cousin preparing her magic.

“You know…” Trixie glanced at him apologetically. “If it makes you feel any better...I fell for his facade too.”

Quill sniffled and shrugged, trying to smile. “You made me feel better the moment you blew his face off with a lightning bolt.”

Their moment was short lived when Ego stomped forward, the tendrils pouring from behind him towards them. The Celestial's eyes were wide and blinding with blue energy, giving his appearance a very frightening aesthetic.


“I wanted us all to do this as a family! But I suppose you’ll BOTH have to learn by spending the next thousand years as BATTERIES!”

Author's Note:

*le gasp* What a shocker!