• Published 20th Aug 2017
  • 2,862 Views, 355 Comments

The Road Trip of A-Holes! - Sense of Humor



Seven entirely different beings embark on the weirdest trip.

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6
 355
 2,862

Heart to Heart

Yondu leaned an arm against the window, hard eyes trained on the entertained chaos below. All his crew was down there in the pit of this place, buying or laughing or wasted or laid or all four at the same time. He could spot his righthand men, Kraglin and Tullik, chuckling at a table with the others. He supposed they deserved some time that didn't involve Ravager work. Yondu idly wondered what they were talking about--so unaware of anything that could happen to their leader or his somber circumstances. Maybe they were blabbing about a funny trip to some far off planet, explaining Yondu leading the charge to steal some fancy stuff.

That fat Bastard, Taserfart, scoffed at them. Yondu scoffed at him, from up high. He always did hate that drooling jack@ss and him going around throwing his name around like he was supposed to scare somebody. Only thing scary was his breath...and his ability to sway the crowds.

Yondu grimaced as he put his jacket. Ever since Quill pulled that nifty trick with the orb, Taserface had been urging to hunt them down and several other crew members opted to do the same. Yondu was quick to shut them down; Quill and his freaks were with the Nova core, so he could scare his crew with the threat of Xandar. The pirate had used that excuse so many times though, and it was only a matter of time before his true reasons came to light. Before his long history with Quill swallowed Yondu’s once savage personality entirely.

History, as it would seem, always caught up with Yondu. That was why he was on some festering boil of a planet. Why an old buddy of his was parking on said planet now, getting out and joining in separate festivities. If Yondu could just...get a little time and peace to explain, he could salvage his reputation as a Ravager leader.

Just a little time.


Stakar Ogord had toured the whole area by now, catching up with other crews and their leaders. His own crew mingled with others and altogether one might call it one big family reunion, just with pirates instead of uncles. The place itself was a dump and not worth meeting up over, but wherever you brothers rested up is where you have to go and see them. So he caught himself a few drinks, discussed plans and told stories to his own crew.

“So, this thing is swinging an’ swinging, with no sign’a stoppin’. But I just keep backpedaling until I get to the cliff edge,” Stakar explained to the eager Ravagers, before taking a swig. “Next thing it knows, I’ve rolled out of the way and gave it a good kick forward.”

“Quick as you ever were, StarHawk!”

The crew laughed around him as he shrugged in his pride.“And don’t you forget it, bud.”

“Ogord.”

Stakar turned.

He swallowed, his smile falling instantly. An all too familiar blue Ravager captain was standing there, clad in a red dorsal fin and a grim frown. The captain patted his chest twice in formal greeting, using a tight fist to perform it. “...Been a long time, Ain’t it?”

He grimly nodded.“...yeah. Suppose it has.”

There was tense silence, and not just from them. Stakar’s crew had become very quiet since Yondu showed up, watching to see what would unfold before their eyes. When Yondu opened his mouth to say something, he beat him to it. “This, uh festering place...is the wrong kind of disreputable. Even for you.”

“Stakar.”

“There were a hundred Ravager factions in the universe. You lost the business of 99 of them...by serving yourself.”

Ogord turned away instantly, an started for his ship after motioning for his crew to follow. The silence made him think that it would easy to just get up and walk off from Yondu, that he wouldn't say anything after. A growl behind him made him sigh--he was predictable this way. “FINE! Go to some other rottin’ carcass! Sh!t-- You can go to hell fer all I care! I don't give a damn what you think of--”

Stakar rounded on him, walking right back to where he’d left.“Then what’cha followin’ me for?!”

“Cause I got something to say an’ yer gonna listen--”

“Like hell I am!” Stakar snarled. “Even if you weren't a Ravager, I’d never listen to the words of a Child-Trafficker.”

Yondu glared. “I already told you and the others, I didn't know the whole deal!”

“You didn't care either! Long as ya got paid, right?”

“All I demand is a seat at the table, Awright?!” Yondu tugged at his own jacket, pounded at his chest again. “You see these grabs, Ogord?! I wear ‘em, same as you and same as all these other yahoos yer with!”

His crew stepped up from behind Stakar, but he waved them off to prevent any fights from breaking out. “...You may dress like a Ravager, but you'll never hear the hordes of freedom when you die-- the colors of Ogord will never flash over your grave. You won't have anyone to attend, Yondu.” Stskar settled a hand on his shoulder, sighing. “If... you think I take pleasure in exiling you, then you are dead wrong...Dead wrong... You broke all our hearts."

Yondu stared back at him for the longest time, his angry features giving way to a look of regret. He watched as Stakar and his crew boarded their ship and made ready to leave the snowy planet. Yondu balled his fists but didn't move an inch to stop them. That wouldn't win him back his title or even a smaller place in the Ravagers.

“Ah, pathetic.”

Yondu didn't move, but his eyes narrowed. That fat bastard.

“How the mighty fall, eh boys? First, Quill betrays the whole crew and Yondu let's him skip off into the sunset. Then that kid and his freaks trick us with the orb, and Yondu just laughs the whole thing off.” He could hear Taserface from a few tables behind him, and probably smell his breath too. “I thought we followed him because he wasn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Now, look at him, whimpering over bein’ kicked out...Seems he’s gone soft.”

“If he’s so soft, why don’t you go tell him to his face?”

Yondu snorted at Kraglin’s voice. If that was whispering, he’d hate to hear yelling.

“You know I'm right, Kraglin. Something’s gotta be done.”

“You plannin’ a mutiny against him? Hm?”

He heard Tullik’s loyal tone, but he never did hear an answer from him. Instead, he heard hushed voices and a few sounds of surprise. Yondu turned just in time to see a golden man in a fancy blue robe saunter his way over to him. “Are you Yondu Udonta?”

He snorted and spat in the snow. The golden man nodded at this. “I’ll take that as a yes.” He unfurled a scroll and began to read. “High Preistess Ayesha has use for your illegal talents.”

Yondu raised an eyebrow.


" You're leaving me with a bunch of Animals?!"

Gamora casually slapped Nebula on the side of her slightly metallic head and walked past with heavy luggage in tow. "How dare you! Groot is not an animal, he's a plant. You'll be fine with them for a day or two. The visit shouldn't be too long." She tossed a long metal rod to Rocket. "If she does something stupid or you feel like it, zap her."

"Much obliged." The raccoon grumbled.

"Derpy, keep an eye on Maud and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid." Gamora's glare turned to the grey pony. "She'll tear your head off, Maud. Don't underestimate her because of your stupid plans to reconcile us. "

"What? This beast is insane!" Nebula grimaced in agreement.

Maud shrugged at the both of them, giving no signs that she was going to obey anything. "Its going to happen whether you like it or not. I'm getting to the bottom of this whole problem with you two."

Trixie pursed her lips and nodded."Well, that's determination for ya."

With a frustrated sigh, Gamora put her luggage on her shoulder and resolved to let Maud learn from her own mistakes. She exited the ship just as Peter left his own quarters with a handful of items. "Well, I packed my stuff, and I think Gamora's packed. Trixie doesn't have anything to pack but her bad-assness." He and Trixie shared an amused grin with each other. " Drax, what about you?"

"I'm not so sure about leaving the ship." He grumbled.

"God, you're like an old woman."

"Because I'm wise and full of secret intellect?"

Ignoring that question, Quill looked back at an unhappy woodland critter with a frown. He glanced at Trixie, who shrugged and called to Rocket. "Uh, watch out for yourself and my friends!"

"Yeah. Take care." Quill weakly added.

Rocket snorted at her, but mostly at Quill. "Have a good time. Hope you didn't inherit bein' a prick from your daddy."

"Why did I even bother trying to think of something nice to say to you?" Quill sighed and walked off towards the large white ship, Trixie in tow. After Drax left in time with Gamora, they all disappeared onto the strange vessel and even that disappeared into the depths of the atmosphere.

Derpy frowned as a tiny body sniffled under her wing. "Aw, don't worry, Groot. In a day or two, they'll be back and then we'll be back in space again."

The tiny plant shook his head and pointed at his tiny mouth. "I am Groot."

The pegasus blinked. "Oh. You bit your tongue."


Click--Slick. Twick. Whirrrrrr.

Nebula watched as she idly twisted her hands and fingers around in their metallic sockets. Motors whined in time with the rotations of her index and pinkie finger or the subtle backward flex of the other fingers. Her thumb extended like a miniature snake and then reinserted itself. Her hand split in half to reveal the nozzle of a ray blaster with no ammo to fire. Nebula sigh and let her hand relax back to normal.

"Derpy, she should at least eat something."

Nebula didn't look to see the grey pony, but she knew she was there. The other one, with the wings, was blocking her from coming over. "But she seems super bad. Maybe it really isn't a good idea to talk to her. "

"I said I was going to feed her." Nebula idly wondered why the beast always sounded so...bland and sarcastic. It was annoying. " And I want to know what's going on, so I'm going to find out."

The winged one groaned but moved nonetheless."Gamora is not gonna like me for letting you by. What is that stuff you made, anyway?"

"There's more in the kitchen....the undamaged parts, at least."

Against her base feelings, Nebula raised her head to acknowledge the clopping of hooves. Maud was slowing to a halt before with a levitating bowl of...something. She gestured to it with her eyes. "I made you something to eat. You shouldn't have to starve just because you're locked up here."

"Congratulations. " Nebula spat. "Am I supposed to open up about my feelings now?"

Maud tilted her head and blinked. "You're supposed to eat it. It's a Pie family recipe; Rock Soup."

Nebula lost her glare at that statement, only for a very confused look to be settled on her face. "You eat rocks? I assumed your species ate plants."

"We do. When I called this Rock soup, I meant that we use digestible sedimentary elements ground together to perform a decent taste. With a broth and few vegetables, you have yourself a very nice meal." She settled the bowlful of yellow down next to her free hand, offering nothing more than a blank stare. "Go on, try it."

Nebula snarled softly at her, but her belly snarled right back. Ayesha hadn't been feeding her in the prison, so it had easily been a few days since she last had something to eat. Perhaps she could stomach a few rocks for the sake of food. "If this poisons me..." The cyborg warned quietly, before reluctantly taking a spoonful of soup and slurping it down.

She nearly choked on her soup and a gasp of surprise. The flavor was overwhelmingly good--like a perfectly grilled steak with garlic butter to marinate it, only in liquid form. The sensation hit her tastebuds hard enough to give her pause and wipe the unhappy look off of her face, replaced with a sense of morbid surprise. Blinking, Nebula pulled up another spoonful of the soup and examined a diced vegetable in it.

"The Yaro root." She finally looked at Maud, who's face was as impassive as ever. "Its ripe."

"Cooking speeds up the ripening process."

Nebula slowly nodded and returned to her meal. Halfway through the bowl, the cyborg looked up at her again. "This is...okay."


Maud nodded and settled down in front of her, legs tucked under her body. "Thank you. As I said, it's a pie family recipe. Though, it's only been made in my generation."

Nebula swallowed. "Hmm. Who made it?"

The grey pony shrugged. "It's a long story."

"And you're probably going to tell me anyway. Start talking."

The pony removed a small pebble from the collar of her sweater and gently settled it down on the floor. "...We were kids then--my sisters and I. The four of us were born on a rock farm, in the middle of a large, barren forest. Those times were nice, only...well, you know how children are. They often fight, and often argue."

She gently petted the pebble with a hoof. "One day, we really got into it. Like, actual physical fighting. My youngest sister Pinkie was crying cause she wanted us to stop fighting, and I was trying to get ahold of the two other sisters I had. It was one big wrestling match, you might say. Then my father walked up." Maud didn't say anything when Nebula flinched at the mention of her arriving father. "We had been fighting in such a way that we destroyed the water supply, so he was very cross with us. He ordered us to take a bucket and collect water from the fresh stream in the woods, but to do it together as sisters."

"Hmm." Nebula slurped another portion of her soup. "Bet that backfired."

"Well, we argued again in the forest, and that led us to split up again...in said forest. In a storm, if you can believe it. Lost as we were, we somehow managed to meet up at an old cave. Hungry, but not wanting to venture home in the storm, we created a soup based off of natural elements we each found ourselves. " Maud pointed to what the cyborg had nearly finished. "Together we made a special soup because we came to understand what drove us apart and how to get back together. Neither you or Gamora look like chefs..."

Nebula snorted gently. She may not like the pony, but she was probably the only one on the ship that wasn't an idiot and actually knew a good joke.

"...but that doesn't mean you can't come back to do something other than making soup." Maud finished. "Even the worst of conflicts can have a good outcome."

"...Not mine. Not ours." Nebula sighed softly, a metallic rattle in her throat. "I can least appreciate your willingness to help. And I am glad things are settled between you and your siblings. But...my story... it's not as simple as a few harsh words in the forest."

"Well, then why don't you tell me?"

"...Why should I bother?"

"So someone can understand you." Maud answered patiently. "So I understand why you think your sister needs to die. Don't you want someone to understand?"

Nebula stared into her empty bowl, saying nothing.


Her sister was sent flying back when Nebula launched from her kneeling position, striking a fist against her jaw. The young girl stumbled back from the hit, but was quick to return the favor with a kick aimed to the little girl's ribs. This wasn't going the way Gamora had planned--the new mechanic arm was proving to make up for the strength she lacked in the last battle, and Gamora was struggling to keep up with its speed. She would finally win a battle against her. Father would be greatly pleased by it and her opponent wouldn't like his punishment for losing.

The two children stared each other down for a harsh moment. Gamora threw a punch forward, only for her fist to be caught in a metallic grip. Nebula bent forward, making her sibling's wrist bend at a painful angle. Just when it seemed that her wrist would snap, Gamora felt her legs being kicked out from under her.

The impact against the barren ground knocked the wind out of her, and Nebula wasn't looking to give her a chance to get it back. A fleshy hand and a robotic hand snaked around her neck and pressed tightly to cut off her air supply. They both struggled against each others strength; two young children locked in a ferocious scuffle to the death. The cold, intent eyes of their father watched from a golden throne hovering above the ground. Finally, she would win and be in his respect.

Gamora, struggling to peel the hands off of her, stared into her sister's eyes, pleading. Nebula froze at the expression, something within her heart unhappy with this. Could she really keep doing this to her sister? The one she had grown to adore in her harsh life? And what of Father? Could she really subject Gamora to punishment by him?

She was distracted, and that's how Gamora threw dust in her eye.

Xanax dust, to be precise--dust that turned acidic when it came to contact with moisture. Nebula wailed at a pained volume as the worst burning sensation claimed her eyeball before Gamora punched her back with a fist to the jaw. With the same fist, she grabbed a heavy rock, raised it and snapped Nebula's shin bone clean in half--hitting above the knee afterward for good measure. The wail became a blood-curdling scream, nearly ripping her vocal chords to pieces.

The victorious Gamora stood up from the ground and breathed in ragged breaths, eyes focused on nothing but her Father. Nebula caressed her wounds and whimpered as everything throbbed and stung in the worst ways possible. But all traces of sound left Nebula when a giant, gold-clad figure stomped up to them with a lankier figure beside him.

"Father," Gamora said from above. "The battle is won. I have succeeded."

"Yes. Once more, I am proud of you, little one. You never cease to impress me. Which is more..." Cold purple eyes lowered to the defeated sibling, narrowing. "Than I can say for you."

"Father, I--" An invisible force coiled around Nebula's throat, harshly choking her in an instant. Tears formed in both eyes, stinging one of them.

"Your father is not finished speaking." The lanky figure spoke, only moving his left hand.

"It has been years now, Nebula. Years of combat against Gamora. Training from the others." The huge being shrugged impassively. "And yet...here we are again. Another failure at your hands. Or should I say, at your eye and leg?"

Nebula sobbed openly, begging beyond all hope to be spared from punishment. "Father please," She sniffled, trembling with fear. "Forgive me. Please."

Father said nothing for a long time. He breathed in and exhaled in a gentle sigh. He kneeled down from his great height and then leaned down more to her level. She found him more frightening up close than at his usual height.

"I have always forgiven you, Nebula." He grinned. "That is why you are still alive." He watched her whimper for a moment more, then stood back up to address the winner. "Come, Gamora. There are many things we must discuss. And I'm certain you can't do that on an empty stomach."

He led her a little ways away, back turned to Nebula and his scrawny subordinate. "The eye and the leg, Maw. Then to the repairs again. They'll be expecting her."

For all it was worth, Nebula tried to crawl away from his servant and away from the impending torture she was to receive. An invisible force --all too similar to icy, groping fingers--hauled her up from the ground and back in front of the noseless servant, who eyes had a strangely hypnotic charm to them. Their cold black depths made her want to look away, but she stared nonetheless.

"So, which would you rather start with?" His breathy voice sounded like he was containing some kind of sick excitement. "The leg, or the eye?"

Nebula couldn't talk if she wanted to. She was scared into silence. She gasped sharply as something unseen pulled on her injured eyeball with a growing strength and her leg was slowly being pulled down from the socket. She screamed and screamed as the force threatened to rip her eye from her socket and her leg as well.

"Excellent choice," Ebony Maw grinned. "We'll do both at once."


Night filtered everything around them, shrouding both pony and cyborg in the dark shadows. The story Nebula told was a long one, and while she would never admit it aloud...she was glad to say it out loud to someone willing to listen. It didn't erase her internal pain, but it still felt good to talk about it.

"Gamora walked away as things were ripped away from me, and never looked back." Nebula said. "And this happened over and over again. Some days I awake...wondering if I'm still Nebula...or a robot. Much of me has been replaced."

She turned towards Maud. The grey pony was silent and her expression was still blank, but she could feel the pity radiating from her eyes. "For what she did, my sister must pay. She must die by my hands."

Maud blinked. "...You really think you can kill her?"

"Yes." She said.

"...If you couldn't bring yourself to defeat her in combat when you had those rare, fleeting chances..." Maud asked. "...Will you really be able to end her, when the time comes?"

Nebula sat there, saying nothing.

Author's Note:

D'awww, I bet these two will be best friends by the end of the story!