Saved
Rainbow in her bed shivering. Her wings were frozen to her sides. Every breath she took was shaky and led her one step closer to crying. Other then herself a Rainbows room was empty. She had calmly requested to be alone before stumbling into her room and collapsing on her bed. There she stayed frozen. Her only companion the gentle ticking of the clock.
'It wasn't fair. How could life keep going after such a tragedy.' Rainbow thought. She should know time doesn't stop for anyone or anything. It is a heartless ticking time bomb.
When Rainbow and Twilight were sent to Canterlot by the cutie map they expected a friendship problem or two. They didn't expect their purpose to be finding a graveyard of dead foals, mares and stallions. The dead ponies were all killed in the same way. They all looked like they were gasping for air when they died. Their faces mangled into silent screams. Rainbow didn't think she'd ever be the same.
The only good news was that they found a filly still alive in there. Though Rainbow wonderd if you could call her alive. She was so pale and thin she looked like a brittle fern twig ready to snap. After the dreadful place collapsed Rainbow took the filly to Princess Celestial because that was no ordinary filly. She kept saying none sense about how her room was the safest place. How she knew everything about her room off by heart. The one thing she kept repeating: You must take me back. Please take me back. Don't steal me. Raibow felt the one pony able to help this filly was Princess Celestia.
Rainbow tried not to think of Scootaloo because her mind kept coming back to the dead foals and she ended up imagining if they were all Scootaloo.
Rainbow gulped her eyes welling with tears and her chest heaving. As Rainbow gave into her grief she had one final thought. 'Even though I can never undo my memories I am glad for that foal we saved.'
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... I can read the individual words, and get a loose picture of the scene, but I still have no idea what's going on. What I saw in the story: Kid found half starving and used to being alone, only interaction is feeding time, collapsed building, sole survivor, resisting rescue. I see the individual factors, but I just don't see what's tying them together, how, when, why and most particularly where. Is this an abandoned/attacked insane asylum or some psychopath's shed with its newest victim? I don't know.
I won't say it's bad, what I do pick up seems to be of some quality, but there just isn't enough for me to get a solid picture. Was that a part of the story's idea?
7667449 it kind of was part of the stories idea. It is a prequel to a story I am planning so its not supposed to be really clear but I'll go through and edit it
7667600 I think a story this short that is supposed to pre-date or lead up to another story is generally created as a prologue chapter of the main story instead of a prequel. At least then it would let me see that there is still more to it and unanswered questions could still be answered later, instead of leaving me thinking that the story was finished with a plethora of loose ends. At least that's what I can advise from what I'm seeing, I may not be seeing the whole picture.
7667621 I'll keep that in mind for the future also thanks for reading it and commenting it helps a lot
While short this I enjoyed this and look forward to your sequel (if that is what you were going for here). I do agree with Reflective this should really be the prologue of a larger story instead of the prequel.
7667703 Like I said ill keep it in mind next time. also already working on the sequel so if you want to read that keep an eye out for it.
I enjoyed the first part the most.
Explores the perspective of a victim who knows nothing about how wrong the situation she is in actually happens to be.
However, you should keep an eye open regarding spelling. I noticed a few typos, mainly on the second part.
I particulary enjoy a lot when a story leaves you wondering a lot. I assume this is going to have a continuation, although I wouldn't mind if it ended here just as an unlikely and frightening isolated case.
Keep up the good work!
7667724 thanks I have Plans to go through and edit. also if you don't want to read the second part you don't have to. you can just take this as a stand alone.
Interesting. Will there be a sequel?
7668274 yes I'm in the midst of making my it working on the first chapter
7668373 Yay!
7668473 I enjoy your enthusiasm
I'll give this one a like.
7670200 lol
7670204 Yeah, I know.
But I'm serious here, We all had no Idea why the poor filly wanted to stay in the building (I still don't know why, but maybe she wanted to get away from the truth), or why Rainbow and Twilight showed up looking all sad and frightened (though I'd assumed it wasn't good from the mention of "Poor Foals") before finding her until Dash reflected on it from her point of view in this chapter.
7670215 she has lived in one place her entire life. She has known little else so why would she feel the need to leave and then some random ponies barge in and try and take away all she has known soo yeh that's why she didn't want to leave
I will say that the dialogue could be better. It'd probably be a good idea to get an editor for future stories.
7670476 yes probably...
Pretty good story I guess it's just that the authors note doesn't make sense :/
7757533 i think twilight is all crying but Dash may be able to just think coz they are different
(also my grammer is amazing)
@cherry yeah I guess this story had potential I think if you were able to add another chapter or two it'd be better but it's you story it's up to you. Mine too gremmr iz gret!
7759271
This was really interesting
7783461 thank you
This is quite interesting, and I've given it a like, but it's very vague and the grammar needs work. I feel like the vagueness was probably intentional, but the grammar needs to be fixed. I'd suggest getting a proofreader.
7842366 yup lots of people have said i need to work on the grammar
https://youtu.be/mqVY1YemHLc