Jon Lajoie in Ponyville

by Kirb

Twilight's Confrontation

Jon Lajoie in Ponyville
by Kirb Hysteria
Chapter Four
Twilight's Confrontation

Later that day, Jon Lajoie exited his hotel room and walked down the street, whistling an unfamiliar tune to himself. It was right about then that he groaned "eugh." His hands clutched his stomach and he realized what that meant faster than you could say "vagina."

"Damn it!" he said. "I came in my pants. Again. Man, I thought writing a song about it would cure it, but it seems that's not the case. Guess a fly must have landed on my shaft again."

Then Jon groaned "eugh" again and his hands clutched his stomach again.

"Damn it!" he said again. "Now I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all day, except when I arrived here that princess fed me something. Man, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger right about now."

He looked around. "Oh, but these are ponies I'm dealing with, so they wouldn't have any meat. And their main course would be hay, most likely, and I don't eat hay. That's just fucking perfect."

Jon was so focused on his hunger that he didn't notice when he went "thud" and bumped right into another pony.
"Ow!" said Jon. He looked down on Pinkie Pie, the pony he had bumped into. "Um, excuse me, do you know where I could find a good restaurant to eat at that doesn't include hay into its meals?"

"Why wouldn't you include hay in your meals?" said Pinkie Pie. "You silly filly, hay is good for you! Well, it's not good in cupcakes, unless it's a..."

Jon sighed.

"Look, pony, I'm a human, and I don't eat hay, and I don't exactly know where any of the restaurants in the town are, because I'm new here, and I don't know the layout of the--"

Suddenly, at the mention of him being new to the town, Pinkie looked at him for a split second. A bunch of emotions zapped through her during that split second, such as the realization that he's new, the planning of a party for him, and wondering why he looked so funny.

After that split second was over, Pinkie let out a loud gasp and then the pink pony that was once standing in front of Jon was now gone, and an explosion of confetti took its place.

Jon backed away. "Whoa!" He then looked around to find no sight of Pinkie. Wondering where she had gone, Jon called out "Hey, bitch! Where the fuck did you go?"

"Excuse me, Jon," said a voice behind him.

Jon turned around to see Twilight Sparkle looking at him angrily.

"Oh, hi," said Jon. "I was calling out for the pink one but I suppose you fall under that qualification too."

Twilight facehoofed.

"So we meet again," she said.

"Again?" said Jon. "Excuse me, but I don't remember ever meeting you at all."

"I'm Twilight Sparkle, remember?"

"Look, ma'am, all ponies look and sound exactly the same to me."

"I introduced you to Rarity, remember?"

"Oh yeah! You introduced me to that bitchy fashion designer! I remember you!"

Jon leaned in towards Twilight.

"Say, Twilight, a few seconds ago a creepy bitch came up to me and then gasped and disappeared. You wouldn't happen to know what happened to her or why she was gasping, do you? I mean, I just want to make sure she didn't explode or die or something-- not that I care about her or anything..."

Twilight thought for a minute. "What did she look like? Could you describe her?"

"Yeah, she was pink, about this tall, her mane and tail looked like she had been electrocuted, and she had a bunch of balloons on her ass. When she disappeared she left a cloud of confetti. What's up with that?"

"Oh!" Twilight laughed. "That would be Pinkie Pie."

"The name matches the description," said Jon. "So what's up with her? Why was she gasping?"

"Well," said Twilight, "she was gasping because you're new to town and she always throws a party for everyone new who arrives in Ponyville."

"Oh," said Jon. "Well, what was up with the explosion? And why was she talking so random?"

"Heh," said Twilight, "as we say around here, that's just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie."

Twilight grew serious again. "But Jon, if you want to stay in Ponyville then you really have to try to be less vulgar, rude and inappropriate!"

"Ha!" Jon put on his sunglasses. He then started rapping, even though there was no beat to rap to.

"What? What? You got a problem with this?
Maybe I should punch you in the face with my fist
Because on top of guns I know karate and ninja stuff
So if you come at me I'll trip you, then I'll suck your nuts
I mean, I'll punch your nuts. Sucking them would be gay
And I'm totally not gay. I'm all about V-A-G-I-N-A
(What!)"

Suddenly, Jon found himself floating mid-air with Twilight's magic enveloping him so he couldn't move.

"Listen, Jon," said Twilight, "Celestia has a guest of honor coming into town today, so don't be vulgar and be less sexist or else--"

"Hey, I'm way less sexist!" said Jon. "I've totally refined my beliefs about women!"

"Really?" said Twilight.

"Yeah!" said Jon. "I think women are equal and they deserve respect."

"Well, that's nice, but--" began Twilight, but she was interrupted by Jon, who began rapping again.

"Just kidding! They should suck my dick.
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
I want to have sex with your vagina (uh!)
Vagina (what!)
Vagina (what!)
2 + 2 = Vagina!"

Using her magic, Twilight flung Jon all the way into an abandoned lot, where he landed in a pile of hay.

"Alright! Alright!" said Jon, rubbing his head, which was filled with pain. "I'll try to be less vulgar okay? Get off my case."

"Good," said Twilight, knowing that she hadn't injured him, but she had still gotten her message through.

As Jon got up, he tripped on a bunch of loose rocks.

"Ow! Phooey!" Jon said, trying not to swear for he knew she would only grab him with her magic again. "I think I hurt my ankle! Oh, yes I did. Aw, snapping turtle! Darn it! Pooey, cackass! Peepy poo!" He looked at Twilight. "Okay, I'm making a fool of myself. Can't I at least swear?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine, but you must keep it at a minimum."

"Right," Jon said, getting back up. "In the meantime, I'm f-- er, I mean, I'm hungry. Do you know where I can find a restaurant?"

"Just follow me," Twilight said, glad she had finally taught Jon to be civil.

Unfortunately, as she would soon figure out, it was a bit harder to do that than she had expected, and his pointless profanity was just the start...

Note: This chapter contains references to several Jon Lajoie songs and videos, including:
Dating Service Commercial
I Kill People
Show Me Your Genitals 2: E=MC Vagina
Pointless Profanity
If you haven't seen them yet, please do so before reading this.

Comments

[FrostRancher]

Giggity

[Kirb]

938805 Okay...

[BlackSnowyOwl]

I literally can't explain how hard I laughed at this and how hilarious it is. You capture Jon perfectly. I think you should really keep this going and make the chapters longer. You could keep the video references there but make more of a going story with this. I love it.

[Fattymagee1]

I love you. This is amazing.

[Kill this account]

cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/24196480.jpg 1558181

[Paladin Redflare]

I SHALL READ IT!

[Berry Punch]

Really? .... Dude I love you

[Kirb]

1691364 Yes you shall!

1691421 Thank you. :)

[Paladin Redflare]

This will not stop him... I need more lols got dangit, real life sux balls!

[Kirb]

1704767 I'm debating on whether to keep writing it or to quit... what should I do? Thanks for all the nice comments by the way.

[Paladin Redflare]

1704810 I don't know lol, this fic is pretty funny, but I think you should do what you like more.... reading or writing and getting fans?

[Kirb]

1704868 Well, I kind of got discouraged to continue writing after Equestria Daily rejected this fiction, but I mean, if this gets enough fans I will continue.

[Paladin Redflare]

1704910 Well, I hate Equestria Daily anywaaaaay. That's why I read on here.... oh, and cuz I love HiE.

[Kirb]

1704937 Okay, I guess when I have the time I'll start writing. Yay!

[Paladin Redflare]

1704950 YAAAAAAAY. Fuarrrrk.

[LeroyHughes]

OMFG lawl

[Kirb]

2570631 Thanks. Glad you like it; I might or might not continue it, it's currently on hiatus.

[LeroyHughes]

2570784
The idea alone is supergold