Act 2, Chapter 4: Tell Me, Exactly How Could Things Be Worse?
Starlight Over Detrot
Act 2, Chapter 4: Tell Me, Exactly How Could Things Be Worse?
Meat is not banned outright in Equestria. Celestia is quite aware that certain species require flesh to survive, and Equestria learned the lessons of prohibition back during the brief Manehattan Quiche Stampede, which, although some of the politest and most refined rioting in Equestrian history, still caused enough of a disruption to instill the relevant lesson.
But the concept of flesh as food is still something ponykind finds decidedly unsavory, and it's kind of hard, once substantial processing has been applied, to determine the origin of a given kind of meat. Given the vast array of Equestrian species that exhibit sentience, it is understandable that there is applicable paranoia.
Therefore, Equestria has Rules regarding meat.
Meat must be labelled with its place of origin and species, so that an investigation can lead right back to a potentially offending slaughterhouse before one can finish saying "I have no idea how that cutie mark got in that burger, Officer."
Above all, it has to be from a species considered nonsentient: chickens, rabbits, turkeys, pigs, and most rodents, for example. Any animal capable of forming its own lobbying group to protest such treatment is generally considered to have met minimum grounds for sentience.
There are many less interesting, but no less strict, rules, regulations, and taxes, all of which are the subject of some intense controversy. This controversy is mostly fueled by the Pork Barrel Party, a heavily meat-industry-funded Griffin political party which tends to argue that ponies eating flowers is just as brutal and technically life-destroying as griffins eating anything else; The counterargument tends to note the low occurence of ponies calling flowers 'Grandma' outside of mental wards.
--The Scholar
How did I wind up attached to this kid?
Whatever Iris Jade might have intended when she paired me with the rookie, I doubt she expected me to come to a place where I wanted Swift at my back. When we rolled into Sunny Days and took down Snicket, she reminded me of a pony I’d thought lost; a pony who did the right thing because it was the right thing, not because it was another notch on a professional scorecard.
She’d looked at me with genuine admiration and some part of me had tried, desperately, to be her ‘Detective;’ a storybook character built of shining childhood dreams of blind justice and righteousness.
She made me want to be a better pony, and damn her for it.
Disappointing her would mean that the last sliver of whatever Juniper saw when he took my grassy-green flank under his wing, back in the day, had slipped away. I might as well push pencils, or climb back into that freezer and let the Grim Wrangler have me.
I never expected my death to be a jagged pill for anypony, but Equestria still finds ways of surprising me.
Swift hadn’t deserved to swallow that particular dose.
****
The stone door of Stella’s lair chamber rolled clear of the portal, crashing into its slot in the wall. Scarlet, hips swaying with a more subdued ‘swish’ than on his good days, led Taxi and I into the makeshift underground medical bay.
Most of the small herd of medical players and doms had cleared out, leaving After Glow on her pillow with her cigar, Pickle flipping his flogger while reading a medical text of some kind, and my sleeping partner. Stella rested on the side of the catwalk, his great arms crossed beneath his chin, watching Swift sleep with the ponderous worry only a draconic parent can project. He looked up as our hooves hit the catwalk, then rose off the platform and slithered back towards his lounge-seat.
After Glow’s horn was glimmering as she brushed a comb through Swift’s unruly mane, taking out the worst snarls with a tender touch.
My driver and I moved into the bubble of apprehensive silence, taking up positions on either side of the bed. I studied my partner, whose sleep seemed calmer than it had been an hour ago. Taxi picked up an extending medical probe, using it to lightly tug down the pegasus’ lip, revealing the horrifying magical dentistry.
“I... mmm... I hoped Scarlet was wrong, somehow,” she muttered, dropping the probe.
“Me too,” I said, straightening a stray feather on the nearest wing. Somepony had given her wings a general cleaning and she no longer stank, but it was going to require some heavy preening before they’d get anywhere near a state for protracted flight.
Glow floated her brush back into her purse and rose creakily to her hooves. “Detective. Ye gonna share whatever ye was gone so long for?”
Removing my hat, I laid it on the bed across my partner’s rear hooves. “Swift killed the pony who shot me. Sniper, heavy anti-pony rifle, black armor. She chased him down and got the drop on him when he tried to ambush her.”
The Stiletto matriarch gently pinched her grand-daughter’s cheek with a glimmer of telekinesis. “That’s mah girl.”
“I figure there’s a thing I ought to tell you. About a month ago, a griffin friend of ours fed her some meat. She’s been eating it ever since.”
Instead of the expected explosion, I got three sets of very unsettling stares. Stella picked his teeth with his tongue, making me wonder what his diet consisted of that left him needing such a regular floss. Glow just stood, her ancient eyes unblinking, while Pickle looked just a bit disgusted.
“What? Come on, say something. If I’m going to die again, I’d like to at least have the whole story this time.”
Pickle unhurriedly bookmarked his medical text, laying it back on one of Stella’s display tables. “We are... aware, Mister Detective. My spells have revealed that her stomach contains at least four different griffin prey species. None of them intelligent, thankfully.”
“Then why is this not shocking anyone?” I growled.
“Because, while we were... disassembling... the enchantment which has been afflicting Swift Cuddles, we were able to ascertain some of its, shall we say, facets.” The sadistic prick flicked his flogger at me and I caught it in my teeth. He let it drop, leaving me standing there with the rubber-tasting thing bouncing off my chin. I spat it out as he continued, “The spell was placed on her some time past, but it was triggered roughly a month ago, most likely by her first ingestion of carnivorous fare.”
“Ye let mah granddaughter eat feckin’ flesh, ye stupid idjit!” A burst of magical wind swatted me across the back of the the head, just hard enough to hurt as After Glow poked me in the chest. “Ah told ye to look after’er!”
“My friend is a griffin the size of a bus, and she’s a grown mare,” I replied, pushing the old unicorn back gently but firmly. “Slapping her hoof after this spell was set off wouldn’t have stopped it. Blame me if it makes you feel better, but right now, I just want to figure out: What else was it doing to her? Before the prick passed out-” Pickle’s mouth tightened, irritably, “-he said something had been done to her brain and her stomach?”
The doctor flipped his clipboard off the end of the bed and covered his discomfort by shuffling paper. “Counter-magic was able to break the transmutative enchantment. A few unicorns draining magic from the spell rather than putting it in, like we did with Miss Svelte when we emptied her arcane reserves, did the job very nicely. However, as they say, the damage is done. The details would be... well, out of the purview of an earth pony.” He said this last with a sneer that made me want to break his nose.
Taxi, ever sensitive to racial attitudes and not much liking Pickle’s, snatched away the doctor’s clipboard and began paging through it. “Oh give me that, you twit.” Pickle’s horn glittered as he made to yank his board back and my driver raised one hooftip at him warningly. His face sank into a disgruntled sulk, but he let his magic disperse. Finding the summary, she shook her head. “This says the original spell-casters used an arcane conservancy. That’s heavy alchemical transmutation. Why would they waste such a powerful magic on giving somepony big teeth?”
The doctor’s eyes widened slightly at this display of knowledge; despite his irritation, he gave her a look of mild admiration and respect before he replied. “Ah, well, that...If it were simply cosmetic, it might be a simple task to reverse. A magical conservancy is a package of magic meant to be set off. It spread through every part of her, altering fundamental aspects of what make this young filly a pony.”
“Such as?” I prompted.
Pickle put his hoof on Swift’s stomach gently. “Right now, with the spell broken, she is functionally omnivorous. Her body no longer produces certain vitamins in an efficient way. She will require heavy doses of protein. Animal protein. If that magic had matured for two more weeks? Goodness me, she might have had trouble with a head of lettuce.”
“What about trying to tear my throat out in the coffee bar?” I asked.
Shifting his weight, he grabbed the cat-o’nine tails off the platform and spun it around his head in a circle, practicing a few strikes at the air in front of my face. “It might just have been your charming personality... but likely, it was the alterations in her adrenal gland and amygdala. Those seem to have been almost pure enchantment and are reversing themselves as we speak. The whole of the changes to her brain are, frankly, impressive.”
After Glow tapped her hoof on her chin. “Quit tha damn suspense. Tell’em what they done to her brain.”
Not for the first time, the dom’s face betrayed annoyance at having his spiel interrupted, but defying Glow was mostly done ‘at your own risk’. “The magics employed here have made her highly aggressive, extremely susceptible to suggestion, and capable of eating meat.”
“That is... most strange.” Stella mused, his scales rustling against one another as he coiled his tail up on the nearest ledge. “I’m afraid I can’t think of an especially good reason-”
“The bastards turned her into an assassin,” I said, calm as I could.
Stella, who I’d somehow managed to momentarily forget was actually in the room, slithered down to head level with me and I danced backwards in alarm. Despite his generally calm, pleasant demeanor, he was still big up close. “Detective, if you have knowledge we don’t, I think it best you share. We are her family.”
Deciding my hand was already tipped, I figured a truthful answer couldn’t lead Stella to any more rash action than finding out that somepony had changed his god-daughter into a meat eater. “Like I said, Queenie showed me some things from after I was shot. The pony she killed... the sniper? His teeth were like that.“ I nodded at the bed.
“I... see.” The dragon murmured. “I will have to look into this more closely. Ponies are nothing if not inventive, but magically created murderers that one can simply point in a direction smacks of turning beings into bullets... and that is one thing I can’t abide. The Crusades should have taught us the folly of that.”
I nodded. “I’m thinking this was done with a specific purpose in mind, too. Swift has some sort of strange fetish for Essy’s. She tried to tear Queenie apart when they first met.”
“Mah girly did what?!” After Glow burst out. “She’d cry a week iffen’ she hurt a butterfly... leastways, iffen' the butterfly weren't trying to kill 'er!”
“I know. I didn’t say any of this made sense.”
"Sense or not, that leaves the big, stinking dead elephant carcass in the room." Taxi chimed in. "How did Swift get exposed to this magic?"
Pickle twirled his mane around one hoof, but said nothing. Stella rolled over in the lake, sending waves up to the shore and After Glow chewed on her cigar, thinking. The silence stretched, backdropped by my partner's soft snoring.
"Alright," I said, finally. "-so we have questions. The most obvious way to get answers is to ask the kid when she's up and around, but before we wake Swift, I want to talk favors. You remember, I'm owed one?"
Stella crooked one clawtip at me. "My sweet Detective, are you certain this is the time for that?"
"Never a better one. I died getting this favor, so I'm going to take one and put one on layaway." I replied.
The dragon raised one penciled eyebrow, then nodded. "Go ahead, then."
"Firstly, I have found myself without work and un-housed due to a difference of opinion with my employer."
Taxi swatted me across the rump with her tail. "Dipstick here threw his badge on the horn of the meanest police chief in Equestria and walked out of her office without so much as a 'by your leave.'"
At that, After Glow let out a rattling laugh that devolved into coughing while Stella covered his snout, politely burying draconic giggling which might have deafened the lot of us.
When the mirth subsided, the sea serpent opened his arms expansively. "Then, Detective, you are in need of a place to stay. The Vivarium will be open to you-"
"No, no!" I said, hastily. "I don't need a place. I need money."
Stella leaned back, a stray curl of his orange mane falling over one shoulder. "As I can't imagine you retiring, I assume you don't just mean bits to get yourself back on your hooves. That would seem an awfully small favor for one bought from a dragon. After all, with the proceeds from our recent acquisition of the Monte Cheval-"
"Hey, yeah!" Taxi blurted, her braid flipping down across her side. "How did you do that? We took years driving mobsters out of places they were that heavily entrenched! You did it in a month!"
Pursing his ruby red lips, the dragon slapped the surface of the water a few times in a gesture of indifference. “As much as I would adore the opportunity to credit my dear Stilettos with that, the ledger you so very kindly provided did prove most helpful.”
“You were supposed to bury that!” I growled.
“And it is done. The book is buried at the bottom of the Bay in my private hoard. I swear, I shan't use it twice.” He drew a cross over his chest, then tapped himself on the eyelid with one long claw. “However, it benefits you that I have, just this once. Monte Cheval will be extremely profitable under my guidance, thus, money is a non-issue. Now, what is this other favor?”
“The second half is pretty straight forward. I want you to sit on your claws. No active investigation. No sending out your army to hunt the ones who did... that.” I indicated the bed where my partner still slept.
The air in the cave became very suddenly tense. Stella's slitted eyes bored into me with the precision of a surgeon's knife as he said: "Explain yourself, Detective."
Trotting over to the rails, I threw my forelegs over the side. “Anypony who would do something like this has resources. Huge, resources. They used a magically trained assassin to kill me and a major figure in organized crime, for no other purpose I can see than to eliminate a loose end. I’ve got my own leads, which I will follow, but they’re a month cold. I want the Vivarium out of the firing line this time. Period. You got me? I will find out who killed Ruby, who killed me, and who enchanted Swift.”
“Ye think they is all the same som’bitches?” Glow asked, her stogies burnt almost to the stump.
I flicked one ear towards her. “Count on it. You have my word; before the end, you will know what I know. If I don’t survive, I’ll make sure somepony does who can tell you what’s happened and what I discovered. Until then... sit.”
There was a pause that seemed perfectly happy to stretch until my sanity snapped. Stella’s face seemed expressionless; maybe I’m just not good at reading reptilian emotions. Glow and he exchanged a few meaningful glances, employer to employee, friend to long time friend, then the Stiletto bowed her head and went back to stand beside her grand-daughter’s hospital bed. The decision was made.
Stella held out his talon to me and I gently touched it with my toe. “You have your line of credit, Detective... and I will be discreet in my explorations. If I receive information, passively, that may help you then I will send it your way.”
“Fair enough. I think it’s time to wake up Swift. Pickle, you said it was mostly the changes to her brain that made her attack? Would those make her hallucinate, too?” I asked, then added as an afterthought, “She thought she was talking to one of her friends from the Academy.”
“Very probably. The alterations seemed focused on making her more violent and more inclined to follow orders.” The dom replied, twirling his flogger in a languid figure eight pattern. “The segments of the spell causing her hyper-aggression and obedient tendencies dissolved when we drained the magic from them. She should, in all likelihood, have her faculties intact, though I should say her memories of the last few weeks may be somewhat hazy. There are also likely to be some...minor side effects. Cravings, things of that nature. I’d say nothing too serious.”
“You think it’s safe to wake her here?” I asked.
Pickle raised one hoof and twirled it in a circle to indicate the cavern. “She’s inside a dragon’s lair surrounded by her friends and family, one of whom is an unparallelled telekinetic and the other of whom is a sea serpent. I have trouble imagining a safer location.”
Raising my head, I moved to the bedside and stood with After Glow and Taxi.
“Then do it. I need my partner.”
Stella gave the dom a subtle nod and he lit his horn, leaning over the hospital bed and pressing it against Swift’s cheek. The light swelled into her fur, illuminating it from the inside for a second before fading.
Swift tensed under the sheets, then relaxed again, weakly kicking her rear hooves to drag the fabric down off of her chest. One bright blue eye opened a crack, but didn’t focus on anything. She scratched some sand away with one toe and her giant wing unfurled, smacking against the side of the hospital bed. It rattled alarmingly, and that brought her fully awake.
Her eyes snapped open and she looked around, first at her grandmare, then at Taxi and up to Stella. Finally, her gaze drifted passed Pickle without recognition before settling on me. As our stares met, she slumped a little, laying back with one leg thrown across her eyes.
“This was a really nice dream, too.” She murmured, so softly we all had to lean forward to hear.
“Ye ain’t dreamin’ girl.” After Glow said, leaning down and planting a cigar scented kiss on the pegasi’s slightly dirty forehead. “Ye look like shit on toast.”
Swift smiled sleepily, rolling onto her side and pulling the sheet up to her head as she looked up at me with those baby blues. “I’ll come see you one day, sir...”
“Dammit.” I grumbled. “Come on, kid! Get up! I’m actually here.”
“Mmmhmmm.” She let her eyes slide shut again.
After Glow and I peered at each other. “Ye said she was hallucinatin’. Didn’ think it be this bad.” Returning her attention to the bed, she yelled, “A’right! Up an’ att’em, birdy! We gots ta talk! Yer partner ain’t dead and the prick o’er there says ye ain’t crazy no more, so git up!”
My partner’s response was to pull her pillow over her head.
Taxi wiggled her nose and commented, “That could have gone worse, I suppose.”
I picked up my hat and plopped it down on my head. “Pickle?”
“My duty is done, Detective. If you have more-” The dom started, but I put my hoof on his horn and used it to drag his nose down level with mine over the bed.
“Shut it. Just nod or shake your head. Is she healthy? No life threatening injuries?” I demanded.
He squinted at my hoof, painfully tugging on the point of bone on his forehead, then nodded weakly.
“Good. After Glow. Get her up.” I shoved Pickle backwards onto his rump then stepped back to give the Stiletto room to work.
“Gladly, boyo! Birdy! Wakey-wakey, sprouts and bakey!” The elderly Stiletto’s horn burst to life, wrapping Swift in a pearly shimmer. It tore the sheet away, ripping her off the bed into mid-air before floating her prone form over the railing. My partner’s eyes shot open; she only had time for a surprised gasp before the field faded.
Three meters, as it turns out, isn’t enough time to remember you can fly.
Stella dropped quietly below the waters, coming up a second later with a drenched and very unhappy pegasus hanging by her middle from his talons. He gently set my shivering partner on the catwalk and laid a towel across her shoulders. She slid onto her foreknees.
"I-I-I'm awake, gran." She muttered, then her tongue poked at her cheek and she winced. “I-I think I’ve g-got something stuck in my t-teeth. I-it feels sharp!”
Deciding the reality was going to be tough to hide, I moved around in front of her and raised her chin with my toe. “Sit down, kid. We’ve got a conversation coming and you’d best be calm for it. I’ll get you something to cocoa and-”
“Cocoa? Wait... uigh! No! Just no!” She groaned, shoving me roughly away. I staggered a few steps, catching myself on the bed. “S-stop talking to me, you s-stupid h-hallucination! I’m c-cold and I’m wet and I’m not in the mood for stupid ghosts making my stupid day even worse!”
I took a deep breath. “Sweets, I think my partner needs another reality asserting swim. How about you?”
Taxi put one foreleg around my neck. “I think she might, too. Miss Glow, would you do the honors?”
“W-what? I-I don’t wa-want-”
Swift didn’t have the chance to finish that sentence before she was hoisted off the catwalk.
****
In subjective terms, I’d only known the kid a few days. In that time, she’d killed for me and nearly died on at least a couple of occasions. That meant something in Detrot, a city where ponies routinely murdered one another for the pettiest of reasons. I knew, somewhere underneath what was left of my once massive ego, that I couldn’t have looked myself in the eyes each morning if I gave anything less than my all for the kid.
Thankfully, there weren’t any clauses in that conscience-driven mutualism that required me to be nice about it.
****
It took two more trips into the lake before Swift was ready to consider that maybe, just maybe, there was actually something to this ‘Hardy isn’t dead’ idea. During her second dunking, I had Glow call up to Scarlet to get us some warm blankets, hot chocolate, and Swift’s cleaned and repaired tactical vest. Somepony with a very childish imagination had slapped some colorful, highly non-regulation patches on it. The white bunny on the chest plate was an especially nice touch.
Scarlet arrived just as Stella laid a dripping bundle of orange misery at my hooves, one last time.
Grabbing a towel, I began vigorously scrubbing the water out of her fur while Taxi worked on her other side. Swift whimpered softly but didn’t have the strength to protest at being treated like a foal. Regardless, she’d needed the bath pretty badly. Pickle took the opportunity to stretch out her wings and examine them. They were short quite a few feathers, but none of the flight essential ones. He advised she not try any fancy maneuvers for a little while.
When we finished drying her, Scarlet pressing a steamy mug with a straw into Swift’s hooves. She stared at it for a long time, then took a tentative sip, followed by a stronger one a second later.
I plunked myself down on a cushion and rubbed my hooves together, then grabbed a bagel from the pastry basket and set to, waiting for her to gather her frayed wits. A trip in the drink may be age old, but it is a surprisingly effective cure for a mild case of the crazy.
It was a long five minutes. I had bagels, though, and that makes it easier to be patient. As her shaking stopped and she sucked down more of the cocoa, I watched Swift come gradually back to life. She was still subdued and damp, but Scarlet was running the brush through her tail, getting the poof back in its curls.
Finally, she lifted her head from her cup and studied me closely.
“How?” She asked, very softly.
I ran my tongue around the outside of my lips, gathering off the crumbs before I replied , “I’ve got a friend here in town who runs a gray market establishment for the sale of magical artifacts. Taxi bought a favor from him.” Peeling open my chest pouch, I showed her the black heart shaped socket. Her eyes widened, but she let me continue, “Taxi had Slip Stitch stick that heart we got from Cosmo’s into my chest. It did... well, I don’t really know. I intend to ask my friend when I see him.”
“Mmmhmmm...” she murmured. She then lazily turned herself sideways, extended one wing, and smacked me with it.
Pegasus wings might look like a lot of fluff, but it was like being hit really hard with an especially feathery baseball bat. There was a brief moment where I thought I was flying, then a full round of orchestra bells rang in my head, followed by a comfortingly dark few seconds where I thought I might not have to pay the piper for that particular injury. As I came to, my vision recentered on an angry pegasus face just inches from mine.
“You are the world’s biggest tail-hole, Sir!” she shouted, her voice breaking as she threw her forelegs around me. Then, the waterworks started. What was it with fillies hitting me, then immediately using me for a kerchief?
I just lay there, legs around her neck, holding her to my chest as wave after wave of tears rolled out. Maybe I shed a few of my own, but she’d bludgeoned me, dammit! My masculinity needs these little buck-ups now and then.
A seeming ten minutes later, she was down to sniffles and After Glow came forward to get her own round of hugs, then Taxi and Scarlet; ultimately finished up by Stella himself, who picked up Swift on his palm and tenderly stroked her hair with his claw while she clung to one of his enormous fingers. All in all, I doubt any psychologist this side of zebra country has seen a more successful short term fix job.
Unfortunately, it left a few unpleasant questions.
“S-sir, I h-hate to ask this... but i-is there something wrong with my t-teeth? They feel really really funny.”
Swift was wrapped in warm blankets, her poofy red tail unbraided and spread out behind her. I knelt on a cushion on the edge of the little nest as After Glow curled up beside her grand-daughter, back to her brushing. Taxi had resigned herself to having a bagel as we all basked in the joy of having everypony back together again. I even tolerated Scarlet laying his head on my side.
There was a very loud intake of breath as the question was asked. The best option, obviously, was to just answer her as directly and intelligently as possible. Annoyingly, nopony seemed to know quite how. That, again, left it to yours truly.
“Kid, we... may need to have a little talk before I get you a mirror. First, I’m going to tell you this and I want you to stay right there, in your blankets, with your cocoa, and remember that your friends are around you. We aren’t going anywhere. Alright?”
Swift looked nervous, but nodded anyway. “Y-yes, sir.”
“Good.” I pulled at my lower lip with one hooftip, then held out my toe. “Swift... you got magicked. You got magicked good and hard. Some whacked-out unicorn somewhere put together a spell and stuck it inside you, then left it there, dormant, until that dumb-ass flying cat I call a friend fed you flesh.”
“What?! W-what did it do to me?! Sir!” She squeaked, starting to rise. I put my hoof on her back and shoved her firmly back to the ground.
“Kid... cocoa.” I nudged her back towards her cup. “I’ll let you up after I’ve told you this. I expect you to act like a cop, because that’s what you are, alright? That means if you panic, you’re no good to anyone. Got me?”
She took this in along with a deep breath, then nodded, and I lifted my leg off her shoulders.
“Now... the spell is off.” I continued. “I don’t precisely get the inner workings of counter-magic, but I know it was a pretty simple fix and most of the really bad stuff- namely, what they did to your brain - is gone. There were some side effects.”
“What kind of side effects?” She asked, holding her pillow to her chest like a shield.
Signaling After Glow to get me her pocket mirror, I smiled as disarmingly as I could manage. “You might be the only pony alive who’d consider this ‘good news’, but you get to eat all the meat you want.” She tried to copy my smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. I went on. “The downside of that is you’re probably going to need a very open minded orthodontist and to floss more regularly.”
“W-what does that mean, sir?”
The pocket mirror floated down into my hooves and I tilted it up so Swift could see herself.
There was a note of hesitation as she edged forward and tugged her lips back in a terrifying grimace, showing off a mouth full of industrial grade serrated meat cutters. Her teeth fit neatly against one another, curving slightly inward like a mastiff’s teeth, or maybe a shark’s, meant more for gripping and tearing rather than chewing. If I had to guess, I’d have called her built for arterial bleed-out. The assassin spell’s caster was not a subtle sort and the design was made for dealing death in only the bloodiest way possible.
“...coool...”
I was sure I hadn’t heard that right. “What was that?”
“This is so cool!” Swift grinned, flashing her fangs on one side, then the other, then giving the air a few experimental chomps.
There was a pause as everyone processed this.
It was After Glow who found some words first. “Birdy... ah love ye more’n life itself... but sometimes, yer one creepy little pony...”
Swift stuck her tongue out of the space between her teeth, licking the top of her muzzle. “I cannot wait to try eating with these!”
My ears perked and I leaned forward. “Wait... kid, you’ve had those chompers for at least a couple of weeks. Are you telling me you don’t remember?”
“What?!” Her wings sprung out from her sides, almost whacking me again; I barely caught the wing with one hoof. It was one of the more annoying pegasus habits. I get that it’s an old instinct - if you’re a pegasus and something spooks you, you want to be ready to get into the air as soon as possible - but it was a habit responsible for more than a few concussions around the office.
“I...I mean, I...” She looked briefly confused. “I feel like I’ve just woken up. Like I was asleep, but I have pictures in my head of all of these things. This bar and hiding my gun and stage lights...”
Taxi eyed Swift’s teeth. “You spent the last month performing at a griffin beat dive in Sky Town, sweety.”
“Really?”
“Yeah... performing under the name ‘Li’l Fireball.’” I affirmed, nosing Scarlet’s cheek off my flank and pointing Swift’s empty cup of cocoa. He nodded, then rolled to his hooves and picked up the mug before moving off towards the back of the cave. “What’s the last thing you actually remember?”
Staring up at the ceiling, used her sharp canines to scratch the top of her tongue, then shook her head. “I remember being in King Cosmo’s office. I watched you fall. I watched you... d... die. I saw you stop breathing. T-then I remember f-flying. Chasing somepony. I c-caught them on a cloud. I told him to s-stop and then he tried to shoot m-me.”
“Anything else?” I inquired.
“Just... crazy. It’s crazy. Impossible and crazy.” She bit her lip, then winced as she very nearly drew blood. “The rest is just this... blur of smoke and music and eating and stuff...”
Since she didn’t seem inclined to elaborate, I decided it couldn’t hurt to push a little.
“Queenie showed me what happened. The sniper’s... mmm...I don’t know how to tell you this, but his teeth were like yours.” I touched her jaw, lightly. “The magic they laid on you was, as far as we can tell, intended to turn a pony into some kind of... meat eating assassin. It changed your brain in some nasty ways. Most of them are gone, but I think whatever was done to you was done to him.”
Swift’s eyes widened. “Y-you mean all th-that fighting in the bar... that really happened?!”
“I’m afraid so, kid. If Pickle’s right, and I’m assuming he’s not a dick and an idiot-” Pickle snorted and tossed his pen at me, bouncing it off the brim of my hat, but not breaking my verbal stride “-then it’s like a hypnotic compulsion mixed with a hit of bad Beam. You’d have shot your own teddy bear if it got in your way or somepony ordered you to.”
Her ears slowly flattened against her head. “If somepony ordered me to? Like the... like the pony who shot you?”
“Yeah. If he was half so far gone as you were, I doubt he knew exactly what he was doing. I swear, we’ll find out what happened to you, but-”
Abruptly, Swift shrugged off the blanket and stood. Her expression was completely unreadable. Turning on her heel, she spread her wings, and flapped them experimentally. She frowned at her messy feathers, then trotted out, leaving the five of us staring after her. We sat there, exchanging confused looks for several seconds.
“Was it something you said?” Taxi asked, dumbfounded.
“I... have no idea.” I replied.
Scarlet seemed to be thinking as he scratched at his ear, lips pinched into a filly-ish pout. “Um... I don’t know if this is relevant, but ever since we were kids, she’s been a goodie four-shoes. She’d tell everypony what she’d done eventually... and I do mean everypony. She was the one pony you didn’t want on a cookie raid.”
“What’s that got to do with this?” I asked, waving my hoof after my partner whose hoofsteps had disappeared into the distance.
“She might have been honest, but if she’d done something really bad, she wouldn’t talk to anypony until she had her courage up. It’s some stupid thing her dad taught her about being ‘honesty or nothing.’”
“Brilliant.” I grumbled. “What does she do during these little ‘courage building’ excursions?”
“Errr... well, knowing Swift, she’d go somewhere high. Minox was waiting to take you all back upstairs, so he probably just let her out.”
I rested my forehead on the cool metal of the catwalk. “I don’t guess you’ve got any idea where she’d go, do you?”
Scarlet shook his head and wiggled his chest and hips demonstratively. “Sorry...no wings. High places are sort of a pegasus thing.”
“I know what you mean.” I sighed, using the railing on the edge of the catwalk to drag myself upright.
“She’s at tha ol’ water tower up tha street.” After Glow interjected, stretching one leg, then another as she worked herself to a standing position. “There’s a lookout platform up ’ere. If she’s anywhere, mah li’l birdy is there.”
I cocked my head to one side. “Don’t tell me she intends on climbing that thing.”
“Naw, there’s stairs. Why?”
“Thank the sky.” I waved towards Stella. “I’ve got to go handle our living situation, then check in with The Don of The Archivists. He wants to see me, for some reason. If I’m not back right away, where can I get my line of credit?”
The dragon primped his head-fin, as though talk of money was beneath him. “First Bank of Detrot. It’ll be in an escrow account under the name ‘Sweetums.”
My neck felt suddenly very warm. “You couldn’t pick something less... horrific?”
“I assumed you wanted anonymity. Would you prefer Snuggy Bear?”
I sighed. “Point taken. I’ll call once I figure out what’s wrong with Swift.”
****
Taxi and I had no trouble finding the water tower. It was a dark blot against the afternoon sky outside of the Vivarium. Getting to it was another matter.
After circling back on ourselves a couple of times, trying to find a street that wasn’t one way and actually passed somewhere vaguely near the water tower, we parked the cab beside an empty alley. We armed the cab’s security system before setting off into a maze of very narrow streets surrounding a shopping center like the one the Vivarium existed in. There was hoof-traffic only, and had a few more pretensions to class than the strip mall housing the old whore house.
I was quickly lost, but I followed close on Taxi’s rear, passing window shops and ‘natural health’ stores I’ve no doubt my driver would have loved to stop and wander around for a week or two. There was a good chunk of ponies out and about, but most were window shoppers hunting sales in the run up to the Summer Sun Celebration.
Come to think of it, having lost a month of my life, I wasn’t even sure when the Summer Sun was going to be happening.
Before I could muse too heavily on how badly I needed a calendar, which would have inevitably lead to thoughts of the burnt one lost in the fire at my apartment, we turned one more corner and arrived at the base of the water tower.
It was a rickety beast of a thing that surely dated back to before the surrounding mall was built. The barrel’s side was painted with a fading picture of a smiling sunflower almost five meters high. The piping dropping from the underside was rusted in places, but the spiral staircase up to the top seemed perfectly secure. It even looked recently painted.
I’d have likely written off the fact that nopony had tried to tear it down as a quirk of local architecture, but seeing a wisp of red tail hanging from the encircling platform high above, I suspected After Glow or possibly Stella may have had a hoof in why it managed to stick around; it was probably easier to keep an eye on the kids if you happen to know their favorite hiding spots.
“Why, oh, why, does it always have to be someplace with an altitude? I already did the damn rope climb today...” I griped.
“Think of it is as immersion therapy. You keep this up, you won’t be afraid of heights anymore!” Taxi giggled, giving me a firm shove towards the staircase.
“You know that’s not how it works!” I shot back, trying to give her a kick for good measure. She stepped out of the way and nudged me again.
“Go on, prissy boy. I’ll be waiting down here on the nice, safe ground.”
Still grumbling to myself, I put my knee over the railing and started up the rickety, creaking staircase. It rattled under my weight, and I closed my eyes, focusing on taking the next step one after another. About four meters up, a wind whipped past my tail, almost ripping my hat from my head. If my heart had beaten even a little faster, I might have sprinted straight down to the ground and gone to get a megaphone to have that conversation with Swift, but it’s rhythm remained steadfastly calm. I might have been having a short walk to the shops, rather than climbing a gigantic, rusting water tower.
Cracking one eye, I peeked at the ground and shuddered.
Pushing ahead, I tried to make a game of it. Step, step, step. Ten more. Eyes closed again. Step step step. Don’t look down. Step, step, step. Hey, I can see my apartment from... oh, wait, that burned down. Step, step, step...air!
I lifted my hoof one last time and stepped on nothing, lurching forward onto the viewing platform with my eyes wide open. Inching back from the edge, I crawled towards the second stair up to the look-out position. A continuous wind tugged at my coat-tails, not strong enough to blow me off, but definitely a reminder of where I was.
With an effort of will, I raised my head and forced myself to look up. Swift sat there on her side, her shoulders leaning against the water tower and her face buried in her hooves. Her shoulders shook violently, but if she was making any sounds they were torn away by the wind. Climbing the second staircase, I paused and swallowed the vertigo before it could overwhelm me. My partner needed me. That was more important than thoughts of screaming and plummeting for the last five seconds of my life.
Gently, I touched her shoulder. She jerked, frightened, raising her head and staring up at me. The bags under her bloodshot eyes hadn’t improved much since that morning, but she was much more my partner than the mad creature that Big Eddie smacked with a coffee mug that morning.
“S-sir?” She stammered, trying to wipe her eyes with her hooftips.
“Yup... It’s me. No need to call me ‘sir’ anymore.” I chuckled, holding my coat closer against the wind. A few spots of rain were starting to fall and the clouds didn’t look civil.
“W-what? Why?” Her tail fluffed a little bit and she dragged it around, using it to wipe her eyes.
“Well, the day we met I told you that you didn’t need to. Remember?”
“Yes. You’re my superior officer, though. That matters to-”
Before she could get all heartfelt, I interrupted, “This morning I tossed my badge around the Chief’s horn, told her you were section eight, and showed her my flank.”
Swift was so surprised that her wings burst open and she very nearly knocked the both of us off the tower.
“You’ve got to be joking!”
Regaining my balance, I hunkered down and pulled my coat under my butt. “Nope. Unless you want to be stuck in a police psychologist’s office until Celestia needs a walker and cane, this is pretty much our only good solution. Somepony killed me. I don’t intend to let that pass.”
“I...mmm...” She shook herself, running her tongue over her terrifying pearlies. “The Chief wouldn’t let us investigate the death of a relative, even if that relative happened to be yourself, right?”
“Exactly. Now, when you say ‘us’... does that mean you’re on this with me?” I asked.
“I don’t... I don’t know.” Turning away, she pressed her forehead against the water barrel. The cold up there was starting to chill my bones, but seemed not to bother Swift in the least. “How’d you find me?”
“Your grandmare knew where you’d be,” I answered, digging a lolipop that was probably a month old out of one of my pockets, shelling off the paper, and popping it in the corner of my mouth. “Why’d you leave?”
I think if Swift could have flown just then, she might have tossed herself off that water tower just to escape the question. Her expression was one of total dejection.
“I... t-the...” She stuttered, then beat her head against the metal wall a couple of times, sending a dull rumble through the entire structure. “I r-r-remember. I remember watching and feeling your blood on my face. I wanted to stop and help, but you...you were gone so quickly...”
“I recall, yes.” I did my best not to squirm at the memory.
Swift ruffled her wings and began the laborious process of pulling her feathers straight. The wind didn’t make it easy, but it was something most pegasi learned to do from very young. Between tugs at her pinions, she continued. I could tell she was trying to keep her voice calm, but it was less than convincing. “I watched you d-die... and I flew. I was so... so scared, but so angry. I wanted that pony!”
“It was probably the magic-”
“No!” She yanked her head from under her wing. “No, it was me! I wanted him dead! I chased him, and I caught him. I caught him on a cloud. He tried to outfly me, but I was faster!” Her nose was running and she wiped it with one hoof, then wiped the hoof on the rail. “He... he was going to shoot me. I told him to stop and he was going to shoot me... but then... he... he hesitated. Then... I shot him. I aimed, and he had this mask on and I shot him in the face.”
Her lips quivered as more tears threatened, like a cloudy horizon. “I... searched his body.”
“Kid, I saw... Queenie, remember?”
“No! Sir, you let me finish!” She snapped, clenching her frightening detiture.
I held up my hooves, placatingly, “Go on.”
She sank back, and closed her eyes. “I s-searched his body. I pulled off his mask. I-it was... I thought... Sir, d-do you remember my letter from my friend? The one that got me this job?”
“Grape Shot. Lieutenant Grape Shot. Yeah, you told me a story about him and a trainer of yours. I remember.”
“Sir, it was him.” Her entire body was quaking, but somehow, I didn’t think it was the chilly altitude.
“Say again?”
“It was him! Lieutenant Grape Shot! He was the face under the mask!” She blurted, standing, rearing up and putting her hooves on the rail. She looked out at the afternoon sun, barely visible now for the gathering rain storm. “I...everything got really strange after that. I remember feeling something in my mane and taking off the ladybug. Then I flew. I flew until I saw clouds...”
“Wait, no, go back. The pony who shot me... The pony who killed our only direct lead... was a PACT trooper?!”
“Yes! Sir, it was him! I swear!” Drops of rain hit her cheeks, running down her chin like flowing tears. “I-I thought I’d lost my mind. I ran. I wanted to be far away from ponies...where I couldn’t hurt anyone. I didn’t know what was going on and everything inside my head felt mixed up. A couple days later, I was in this alley...somewhere...and he showed up there. He talked to me...talked like we did in flight camp...” She stepped back from the railing and I caught her as she fell, wrapping my coat around her tiny body and holding her to my chest.
“I know, kid. I know.” I held her, my ridiculous little partner, my friend, comforting her as best I could. While I would have liked to be ‘all there’ in that moment to take care of Swift, my brain was racing ahead at its own pace.
A PACT Trooper was my sniper; a brainwashed PACT trooper, most likely created using the same set of magics which had affected my partner. I didn’t care for where that line of logic ended, but I’ve never been prone to denial when the case is in front of me, whether I like the answers I find or not.
Unfortunately, it was going to have to wait. Tempting as storming up to Colonel Broadside’s office and demanding answers was, it probably ended with me taking another trip to the cooler. I ground my teeth against one another, stroking Swift’s mane. She’d quieted, but was still shivering.
I had a few decent leads. The scroll from Cosmo’s basement. The law firm of Umbra, Animus, and Armature. The diary. I needed to know what they meant and there were only a few friendly beings in the city who might tell me. Thankfully, the one I was going to see later on was one of them.
“Kid... look. If you say it was Grape Shot, I’ll take your word that it was.” I took her face in my hooves, lifting her teary cheeks up so I could see her. She didn’t resist. “I’ll tell you again, any time you want to stop, you can stop and come back to the Vivarium. Heck, After Glow would probably teach you to run the Stilettos. It may not be police work, but if I didn’t have this case, I might be inclined to go ask Stella for a job myself. That’s a safe path and if you chose to do that, I couldn’t blame you.”
Swift listened, then shook her head and used one wing to wipe water off my forehead. She seemed to be trying to find the right words to tell me what was on her mind and coming up a bit short. “I-I... mmm... it was... sir...” Pulling at her mane, she huffed frustratedly. “Sir, I tried to find Grape Shot’s body a few days after we fought, but the cloud was feral. It was gone.”
Rising, she held out her hoof to me to help me up. I took it, and stood beside her, keeping my eyes on the horizon so as not to look down and ruin the moment by screaming like a filly.
Swift continued, “I know the safe path, but Daring Do never took the safe path, and neither should I. Sir, somepony shot you. Grape Shot, my friend, shot you. That wasn’t a random shot. Nopony puts a bullet there without meaning to. I need to know why. Nothing I do from now on, no matter what, will matter if I wake up every morning asking myself why my friend killed my partner... and why I killed him.”
I tossed one leg over her neck and grinned.
“Good to hear. I promise, we’ll find out, together. Now, can we get down off this friggin’ tower, please?”
“Can I still call you ‘sir’? We might get our jobs back. Who knows?”
“I’m not gonna stop calling you ‘kid’ anytime soon.”
Leaning over the side, I waved at the yellow spot far down below. She waved back.
Then I threw up.
****
It turns out that apologizing is never the right thing to do when an angry filly is cleaning vomit off of her hooves. Especially if that filly is as violent as my driver.
To think, she used to be worse.
I should have blamed it on Swift.
****
“I swear, Hardy! You got it in my mane!” Taxi complained, wiping her head with a towel with one hoof and clutching the steering wheel with the other.
“Well, now you know what it’s like to be puked on from way up in the air, dammit!” I snapped back, holding my bright purple eye. The pain wasn’t as bad as it had been five minutes ago, but I was still annoyed. Turning to the window, I rolled it down and let the cool rain land on my bruised cheek.
“Sir, I did mean to ask, “ Swift began, rubbing her mane with a second towel as she tried to keep the spikes from getting too damp, “if we’re not going back to the Vivarium, where are we going? I buried my gun over in Sky Town and I need to go get it, but unless we’re regrouping at your apartment-”
“They burned my apartment.”
“What?!” Again, with the wings.
“Yeah, occupational hazard when dealing with mobsters. Don’t worry. I’ve got everything I need right here.” I patted my gun and the seat of the car. “Either way, no, we’re not going back to the Vivarium. I want them off the map and your family safe.”
Taxi frowned into the rear view. “Stella said he would cover our expenses, but I’ve had enough of hotels.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got a place in mind. The local culture is very colorful.”
****
“This isn’t what I had in mind, you arse.”
“It’s safe. That’s all I care about. Don’t hit me again.”
“I want you to know the only reason I’m not is because I’m driving.”
“That’s enough for me.”
“Swift, hit him.”
“Argh!”
“Sorry, sir. You deserved it this time.”
“That’s the last time either of you gets to smack me this week, or I’ll put poison joke in your manes while you sleep!”
****
We swung around another pothole, then Taxi swerved to avoid a trash-can which the stiff winds had blown into the street. Swift was busy repairing weeks of neglect to her wings while I counted the bullets in my gun. I only had five bullets left. I wondered where my poor shotgun had ended up. Slip Stitch was probably using it to prop open a door or something.
The alleyways between the housing blocks were getting narrower as the graffiti climbed higher up the walls, measurable by the determination and boredom of the vandals. We drove past a dead rabbit nailed to a lamp post. Further on, a pair of skulls I sincerely hope were plastic dangled from a telephone wire by a thin cord like two shoes tied together. Finally, turning down one more road, we came to a giant eight letter phrase painted in ruddy red across the front of a building.
‘Ever Free.’
Taxi let the cab roll to a stop just shy of the building.
“Hardy, I know we’ve been friends a long time and I did just save your life... again... but I’m re-evaluating that decision as we speak.” She murmured. “You must know they can’t exactly have missed us coming in this way. We might as well have raised a flag.”
“I know what I’m doing. Wait here.” I said, opening the car’s door and stepping into a puddle.
“You don’t have to tell me twice.” Taxi replied.
The rain was light, but made the air taste clean even in the dirtiest of the city’s districts.
The street was empty, a single long avenue with nothing on it but a row of buildings on either side that might generously be called ‘ruins.' Warped, bizarre pictures ran up and down the sides of the buildings; pictures of fields of stars and green fire, images of blood pouring out of the ground, vistas of buildings shaped into a foul and decaying mouth.
Despite the apparent emptiness, I knew we weren’t alone. I could feel eyes everywhere, from all directions, watching me with a mixture of curiosity, malice, and uncertainty. Most likely, the only reason I was still on my hooves was that they didn’t know precisely what to make of this development; a cop wandering into their territory without escort or back up. They could afford to wait. At worst, it’d be a body for them to dispose of.
Raising my voice, I called out, “I’m here to see the Aroyo Cyclones! Tell the one they call ‘Wisteria’ that I’m here.”
I waited for several seconds. Nothing moved in the desolate boulevard except a plastic bag that swirled across the street like an urban tumbleweed.
Reaching over, I put one hoof on the window-sill of the cab. Taxi rolled it down and stuck her head out. “Sweets, you got any of those special bon-bons you buy from that place uptown?”
“Bon-bons? You want to eat now?!” She exclaimed.
“Yeah. Is something unusual about that?”
“Erg... fine. You’re insane.” Irritating attacks on my mental health aside, Taxi reached into the glove box and produced a thin cardboard tube with loopy writing on the side. She tipped it over my hoof. Several chocolate balls toppled onto my shoe and I sat back against the side of the car, shoveling a few into my mouth and chewing contentedly.
A faint rush of air was the only warning before six pegasi dropped in a circle around the car and two unicorns popped into existence in flashes of light, their gleaming horns trained on me. Every one of them had a piercing or tattoo of some kind on their faces or necks, some more elaborate than others, but all well into the range considered to make it tough to get jobs outside of ‘bodyguard’ and ‘professional ass-kicker.’
I ate another bon-bon. They really were excellent. Perfectly soft, with a nice creamy center.
“Be dropin’ yer shooter, dead walker!” The foremost unicorn barked. I sucked the chocolate off my toe and put on one of those smiles i’d learned from Taxi that projects total contentment with whatever situation I happen to have found myself in. They have the added bonus of being terribly irritating to anyone in a ten meter radius.
“Mmm, dead walker? I like the sound of that.” I laughed, stroking my gun from hammer to barrel. The unicorn tensed, her horn glowing brighter. “Now then, where’s Wisteria?”
“There be no pony by that name here, dead-”
“No, no, no,” I interrupted, shaking my head in mock disappointment. “You’re supposed to reiterate that I should drop my weapon. Defensiveness just tells me you’re lying. Bring Wisteria out here.”
The unicorn took a step back, then her face pinched together angrily. She was a comely thing, too many piercings, but she had the soft eyes of a soul untainted by death. The girl had never killed somepony in her life; probably why she was on guard duty.
I decided to change tack, “Look, sweet thing. I don’t know where you heard I’d died, but I want to ask you something. Do you think, knowing I’ve died, and knowing I took the King of Ace with me... that you’re qualified to put me down twice?”
She flicked her eyes up at the circling pegasi, each one clutching a small thunderhead, then sideways at her partner; a colt barely her age with a tiny revolver attached to his knee. I could tell she was weighing her options and finding herself unhappy with them. Sitting down, she rubbed her forehead, then lit her horn. It sparkled, then shot a thin blue stream of sparks into the sky.
I chewed another bonbon.
After a few seconds a voice overhead called out, “Good t’ing, Jambalaya! Ye do good!”
From the top of one of the nearby buildings, a shape dropped over the eves, soaring once overhead then swooping down to stand in front of the unicorn, Jambalaya.
The mare was the color of a purple calla lily in full bloom, her body slashed and cut with an assortment of scars that Bake and Boil might have found very attractive. In the afternoon light, she seemed a little heavier than she had been the last I saw her, nearly a month ago. It took me a minute to figure out what had changed since the first time I came this way and she’d threatened to cook me alive. She was pregnant. There was also a marked similarity about the face between the young unicorn and the older pegasus. They were surely related.
“Mama, why we not fryin’ dis dead walker?” Jambalaia demanded.
“We be not stompas, is why. We be Aroyos, an’ Aroyos fly wise. We not killa’s o’good ponies. De Hard Boiled, hero cop, be a good pony says I!”
Jambalaya poked the mare in the chest and growled, “Ye speak of fly wise and ye know what de ancestor say! Ye not supposed ta fly until de foal be comin’!”
“And I say, I be knowin’ my own weight!” The older pony snapped back, before turning to face me. “Ye must be excusin’ my sweet girl. She be a lovely, but still new on de job.”
“It’s fine. I have my own little hassle.” I replied, gesturing towards the back seat of the car. Swift lifted her head, but the windows were closed so I doubted she’d heard me.
“Jamba, would ya be sendin’ deez ones back to dey sight spots? We be safe enough, t’inks I and I.” Wisteria said to the younger mare.
Jambalaya scowled, turning on her heel and signaling for the pegasi to disperse. They flew off in all four directions, disappearing over the roofs. The colt stayed by her side and she gave him a hard stare, but he didn’t so much as budge, studying his hooves with great intensity. I detected a little color in his cheeks.
“Now den... I be Wisteria. I be a little wonderin’ how ye found I and I’s name. I don’t t’ink we was dat friendly, last we be seein’ one anoder.”
“One of your people has loose lips and likes his Zap. He runs the building of that poor filly who died at the High Step.” I answered, stuffing the wrapping from the bonbon in my pocket.
Wisteria made a noise of disapproval in her throat. “Uck, Water Closet... dat pony get lost tryin’ to find he own tail wid a map an’ all fours legs.” She ran one hoof over her belly and exhaled a motherly sigh. “May I be askin’, what ye doin’ here again? I and I cannot say we expected ye back. Most because de ancestors be sayin’ ye walks on de other side. Dey is not often in de wrong.”
I settled my flank on the hood on the cab. I could feel Taxi’s death-glare through the windshield; she was generally the only one allowed to sit there without meeting a hideous end. I counted it payment for punching me.
“Your ancestors are a smart bunch. I’ve found myself unemployed and unhoused. One is handled, but the other is a problem, since until very recently, I was dead too.” I tossed my head towards Taxi. “My driver broke what I’m sure are a dozen laws, a few of them cosmic, to get me on my hooves again. There’s something or someone looking for me and it doesn’t mind working with Jewelers and cops.”
The colt beside Jambalaya made a gagging noise when I said Jewelers. She nipped at his flank; he quieted and I went on. “Point being, I need somewhere to lay my head while I try to find out what’s going on. A place to retreat to. The King of Ace is dead. I’m assuming you Cyclones don’t like leaving your debts unpaid.”
“Aye, ye be a’right about dat. Ancestors say dey last see ye walkin’ into the jewel mountain, de deathly place. Den de King be dead. How den he die?”
“A bullet in the head from his employers after I chased him into a corner. Dead trying to betray the ponies who owned him.” I replied.
“Den he die like he live; stompa. Aye, Hard Boiled, hero cop. I an’ I t’ink we can make ye a place among de Aroyos to lay ye self. I be wantin’ to hear dis story of how ye becomes dead walker.”
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Hmm, a PACT soldier? That makes me think that one of the trainers at the academy is the pony casting the assassin spell.
Anew chapter of starlight 100% unexpected?
[youtube=https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&sqi=2&ved=0CEcQtwIwAQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DeA_2rWg-QCk&ei=fwXqUe6EI5Pa9QSJn4HwCA&usg=AFQjCNGimty2aaZBoPqWrV9Wm4wvzcVz5A&sig2=Yi8vNXCkejwSCif-G60_aw&bvm=bv.49478099,d.eWU]
I love reading this story at night. with peace and quiet. It feels like Applebuck Season for AJ (the actual season, not the episode) or the sonic rainboom for RD, or finishing a huge ass order for rarity
Please never end this you two, ever. please please please please never end it
If you have to get married to stay together, so be it, but this is the story that truly helps me relax, and I can never seem to get enough
"talking on phone" Yes sirs. I understand and agree completely. No I haven't received anything positive from Meerkat and NaiKujibo or the others monitoring the other target in regard to the other part of their assignment but I'm sure its only a matter of time. Yes sirs. Goodbye sirs. "hangs up"
Good news! Just got off with the council and they have stated that the terms have been met. All members on "special" assignment need no longer concern themselves with the deadline. Simply follow through with the other orders you've been given. Council were making some odd comments when I was 1st patched in for the conference call but I guess they would have made more sense if I knew the whole conversation. Anyways great job to the authors. You didn't even need the extension.
(on a serious note. this was excellent. not that I could expect any less from you two. You really brought back the Swift we know but with the rose-tinted glasses pulled off. She now fully understands the score of being a police officer. I found it hilarious when she found out about her new dental work and actually thought they were cool contrary to what everyone else in the room thought she was going to react. I especially like the scene in the car towards the end where Swift smacked Hardy on request from Taxi.)
“I’m not gonna stop calling you ‘kid’ anytime soon.” Hardy why you so cool!
"Then I threw up." 
Mmm... Still counts. 
Glade to see Swift is back in the game she just needed a little Heart to Heart with Hardy...or heart to box...or would it be a heart to heart with Gale? :P Glade I got a chance to catch up I love this story. I can't wait for the next update! So livin' on the ghetto now aye Hardy? That's all right nice thing about living at the bottom is you can always see where the sh*t flows from. 
Best of luck! I suggest buying one of those little combs...crabs are no fun when your covered head to hoof with hair.
I thought Swift was a bit odd, but I did not think that she was so odd as to be happy that she essentially has the mouth of a shark and is decidedly not quite a pony anymore. I am also curious as to why there is a recurring theme of women Hardy interacts with wanting to kick his ass for various reasons (besides the obvious reason of it being hilarious
).
On a side note, how long do you guys plan on making this story? It seems like everything is connected and there are two new questions for every answer the heroes find. There is a lot of stuff that has yet to be addressed, most of it bad and it looks like it it will get worse before it gets better. Regardless of how things turn out, I want to read it all. Maybe Hardy might actually live to see the end of this game.
(inb4 someone makes a kickass band called "Manhattan Quiche Stampede")
Gentlemen, you had my curiosity when you first introduced the File Cloud. You had my attention when you started making Mission Impossible levels of crazy bullshit part of Hardy's everyday job. But now, after you ended Act I by killing the main character, and opened Act II with him then WAKING UP AND WALKING AWAY... damn. *checks "email updates"* Be proud of this fine piece of work.
On a more critical note, this whole breather thing is starting to get a bit long IMO. You hooked me/us with ridiculous BS; please return to it.
2904659 We're getting there. It takes an unbelievable amount of energy to get characters back from the sort of insanity we put them through. Anyway, one more chapter of 'down time', then things are back on track. That's only a half chapter and will be released in a week. I promise some genuine crazy bullshit soon thereafter!
2904614 Hardy needs Swift. She's so important to how he really works. I love having her back in the saddle, as it were.
2904427 Whew! Thank goodness.
-Chessie
2904950
:D
Detroit: Goes crazy over bankruptcy proceedings.
Detrot: Tops it by an order of magnitude.
Whew!
what a ride!
ALL of my DAWWWW
for Swift accepting the truth. I needed to read that.
Wow, Hardy's living with the Rastafarians? You never cease to astonish
Just thought I would point out that chickens, rabbit, turkeys and pigs (among many more animals) are sentient. It's sapience they lack.
A good rule of thumb is:
Sentient: aware of their surroundings. This includes all animals with sensory facilities and some plants.
Sapient: aware that they are aware of their surroundings.
Sorry, it just bugs me ever time someone makes that mistake.
Aroyo? I'm getting strong Fallout 2 tribal vibes. Especially from the locals' unique accent. So help me if there's a grampy bone mentioned next chapter...
2905472 Yahknow, I actually picked the name BEFORE I replayed Fallout 2 last month and realized precisely what I'd done? Yeah, I feel a bit silly...
-Chessie
2904427 *packs away rifle* Well, that's taken care of. SWIFT IS BACK!!!!! Well mostly anyway. She's now the perfect combination of cute and badass, or at least she will be if she gets her gun back, that thing was awesome.
I knew it was Grape Shot she had killed, and now she knows he probably wasn't in his right mind when he shot Hardy. Whoever did that to him and Swift is going to be on the recieving end of the cutest ball of fury Detrot has ever seen. Seriously when she finds them, they're so dead.
I really wish I could hug her right now... and maybe let her bite me a little if she wants to... wait did I say that out loud
I thought that PACT would have something to do with all of this sooner or later. These carnivore assassins are probably their elite wet work team, so Swift was identified as a candidate for the program but was then transferred to the DPD. They probably considered themselves safe since what pony in their right mind would voluntarily eat meat.
As for the chapter, it's great that Swift is now fully returned to us. Her view points help to bring that fresh breezy feeling into everything. And they are going to have such fun the next time they need to interrogate someone. Just teach her that smile Hardy used, I'm sure it will make all but the craziest wet themselves when they realize why it distresses them so much!
Man, now what am I going to do with all this TNT? Oh well Swift Cuddles is back and more adorabadass than ever! (I can't believe I just typed that) Can't wait to meet this fourth character you have been going on about.
On a side note, do you think Slip Stitch keeps the shotgun loaded while he props up the door? I think he does.
Still good as always thanks again keep it up.
Amazing chapter
Also toothy Swift is extremely cute :)
Just keeps getting better and better.
I'm actually a bit disappointed on Swift's and Hardy's reunion. But hey you can't please everyone. Dead walker is a nice touch. I look forward to the next chapter.
2906327 I'm thinking that's the case too. That, or all of PACT is enchanted, because as you said, who would eat meat?
It could even some of the obedience without meat, which I'm sure PACT would enjoy.
2913917
Ya know, I'll admit that could be a possibility, but unlikely. PACT would always need enough Ponies to provide them with a 'Public Face,' and if any of the Spec Ops Predators got exposed it would be a PR nightmare for them.
Or maybe it is something they can activate or hide at will? That could work. And Swift still slips through the cracks by not have the normal triggers activate it. Either way, these are some messed up ponies who now have a Zombie, a New Age Mystic, and a Masamane wielding Demon after their flanks. OK, I had to stretch for Swift there, but just think of her grinning at you with that gun drawn. Yikes.
2905384
Huh. TIL.
2905665>>2909375 I didn't say to pack up yet boys. you're still assigned to that post. Like I said there's no more need of the deadline but you two have other jobs you're still responsible for there. on another note, I know demolition is one of your specialties Naikujibo but seriously could you two be more careful with that stuff. I seriously don't want to have to talk to the Council and explain another "Ice Cream Truck Incident". Me personally I thought it was hilarious but well we're suppose to keep a low profile at least in real life and things like "that" tend to draw attention.
2919861 Hey, I've still got my eyes peeled, I just packed away the rifle, I can get it out if I need it again. Also I have to say, a tactical vest with a bunny patch, so cute.
She really is adorabadass, I mean really would you mess with with someone who has a bunny patch on their vest? I don't think so. If they're confident enough to wear that, you know they must be tough. Again I have to say I hope she gets that awesome gun back, I mean it wouldn't take long, just go to Skytown and dig it up, clean it, and your done. That gun was awesome. 
2919861
Hey I didn't know he was carrying that much rocky road! It would have worked fine if it wasn't for the rocky road. I guess the popsicle sticks didn't do me any favors ether though...
*Obligatory 'has been doubled' joke*
Edit: ^^That's from chapter 25, by the way.
Another fine chapter! A slower paced one to be sure, but that's OK. After all, poor Hardy's life is somewhat like a train; slowly gaining speed until it's barreling along, at which point everyone realizes the breaks don't work, there's a sharp bend up ahead, all the carriages are full of ninjas and the sharp bend overlooks an orphanage.
And the orphanage is on fire.
Swifts reaction to having teeth. "...cool..."
Hell yeah girl, she's going to be a dentists worst nightmare. No guns n glory here but a sobering tale of Swift returning properly to the group.
This chapter is quite different from the others, largely because it's about the reunion and it takes a slight detour from the normal hairbrained crazy to take a look at the characters. It's an interesting look into how the two work together, Swift really is important to the gang and the whole family get-together (of sorts) to fix swift underlines that.
I really liked the chat at the rusting tower, I got the impression that was a metaphor of sorts of Swift. The high rickety staircase that needs nerves of steel to climb. Hardy finding the nerve to do so (I doubt Hardy would suffer much of an injury from falling because he's the main character and that'd be like having him fall down a flight of stairs while pulling on a sock, in comparison to some of the feats he's pulled off in previous chapters), seemed to be indicative of Swifts still fragile state. What I think she needs is a good fight to get her mojo back.
That's the technical psychological solution anyway.
With a nice little twist about the pony Swift fought being the PACT her ex-partner. I would guess we'll be seeing some more of the PACT at some point.
And ending with meeting the Aroyos again, at the moment they're fairly unforgettable bunch. The Aroyos I mean, I suppose that's the point really, they're just a junction to the next important part of Hardy's long and labyrinthine journey.
I enjoyed it.
2924041 Yeah, 25 suffered for not having had our second editor on the job. I derped hardcore. Sorry CC! We'll have you on next time!
2925882 Next chapter is a short one that's basically ALL about the Aroyos. They're an interesting group. It does sort of give one the impression Detrot is a semi-war-zone, but it's just REALLY REALLY BIG.
-Chessie
2926948 I expect many splosions.
Booooooom. I may have to favorite this. What then, huh?
What a word. HUH.
I can't remember who "Sunny Days" or "Snicket" are; maybe a character page should be created?
Is that their pony name for Death, the Grim Wrangler instead of Reaper?
I just hope somebody other than me is updating the TVT page for this, because I haven't read it for a while.
Nice getting to see what exactly the spell on Swift did.
It's always funny seeing characters get dunked like that.
Ah yes, she WOULD find it cool. It's nice being reminded that for all her Woobie-ish tendencies, she's still badass and a couple degrees off normal.
Does his heart stay at a steady rhythm regardless, like a pacemaker or something?
I called it! I knew PACT had something to do with it!
Local culture being "colourful"? I only got it two paragraphs before the reveal, but I DID get it.
Mmm, chocolate.
Wisteria seems pretty cool, but reading her accent is giving me a headache.
The fact that PACT is involved in this just made things a whole lot more interesting.
Also, Swift is adorabs. Again.
I see that you did there...
Damnit PACT! Biological weapons are an incredibly bad idea, right on par with Lava Bats and Nightmare Moon Golems. Did they not learn their lesson from the Essys?! Any project with the phrase "super soldier/assassin" in the title, description, or summary should be summarily dismissed out of hoof. In fact, any pony even suggesting such a mind-bogglingly reckless project should be stripped of his or her security clearance and be assigned safer, less disruptive tasks like auditing paper clips.
Huh. I wonder if PACT knows something about Essys that the general public does not? Perhaps Essys have a Y2Kesque bug/glitch that makes them go berserk during the next lunar eclipse, so PACT has been sending specially trained teams of modified assassins to deal with the looming threat? That would be an interesting twist...
I wonder how long before ponies start a Cult of Pinkie and the Bakery of the One True Desert?
There is no desert but chimicherrychanga and Pinkamena is its baker. NOBODY breaks a Pinkie Pie promise! She will hold you to your vows and oaths FORREEVERR!
That (or a reasonably close facsimile thereof) has got to be one of the most terrifying things I have heard my doctor tell me after a physical examination. Nothing good ever follows an opening like that. Fortunately in my case it turned out to be a false alarm, but still, that awful sinking feeling...
*shudder*
If Swift and Hardy ever manage to rejoin the DPD, Swift would make an excellent "Bad Cop" in any interrogations she and Hardy may participate in. She could break probably break the wills of all the (herbivore) perps simply by smiling at them.
"Goodness officer, what big teeth you have!"
"The better to EAT you with!"
I get the feeling that this cloud is going to show up again at a comedically inopportune moment and rain Grape-bits all over somepony's parade.
For a species that believes in and practices determinative nomenclature, his parents sure picked a disturbingly shitty name.
Act 2, Chapter 4: "Tell Me, Exactly How Could Things Be Worse?" - I got nothing but with all the rasta talking you have me thinking about GTA4 and a part when Niko is yelling at Roman saying something about like that.
All iv got me brada.
We got rastas me brada!
static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/3/34651/1198261-0jacob.jpg
The best part about mystery stories, at least for me, is trying to figure out whats going to happen.
And you always got to think out side that box.
Case and point, my brain decided to slip me the thought of maybe, just maybe, The Vivarium are the bad guys!
They took over the casino, they almost own the city in one way or another, and it would be the perfect twist!
The only problem with that is the heavy family connections with swift...
4261163
It's "dessert" not "desert." After all, there is no Sahara Dessert! (And unfortunately no Cake Desert either. That would be so delicious though. And also 100% Celestia Approved!
)
I see what you did there
5855862
cf. Pork barrel
This is a case of politicians being uncharacteristically open and honest regarding their intentions...
Aye.
A simple spelling error by one of the Cult of Pinkie charter members doomed the group to set up shop in the middle of the southern Badlands instead of the original location in the Canterlot Historical Bakery District. Rumour has it they are still in their desert compound enclave brewing beer for the Schlepping Guild.
Equestrian history suggests that this is the third most face-hoof worthy event caused by a misspelling; the first occurred 60 years after Luna's banishment when a fledgling Nightmare Cult tossed all her accoutrements into the ocean in an effort to "lose" Nightmare Moon from her Lunar Oubliette.
Don't worry Hardy, you're protected by the plot armor.
Heh, plot armor.
But Hardy, Sweetums is a great Muppet!
I like that you can tell how old comments are by how many pony emojis they use.
The story makes demands on a pony’s psyche.
I was wondering about that…
At first I was like “wait what” and then I was like “wait, never mind, this is Cuddles.”
Well I already know the SSC is going to be an absolute disaster.
-GM, master of Qs.
10115492
I see you have excellent pattern recognition skills.
-Chessie
Sometimes it's the little characters interactions that speaks volumes. This was probably what got the biggest chuckle out of me this chapter.
Great chapter as always. I loved the water tower scene and am glad Swift has taken a liking to her new chompers haha
Whoooooo! Swifty is back! Yay that adorable little girl is back and being all adorable and sweet, and just the right kind of disturbing! It's just, so sweet and wholesome how quick Hardy has gotten attached to her and really does care about her and want her helping him out, both because she's proven damn good at helping and he knows he can trust her, but like he said, she sees him in such a fresh, kind of star struck light and thinks so highly of him, it makes him want to live up to her image of him.She's been through a lot, but she's got a lot of ponies,and at least one Sea Dragon very interested in making sure she has the help and support she needs to deal with it, and as dark and gritty as the story is getting at times.... these are stil Ponies, a good hug with friends can have a huge impact on helping deal with trauma and other mental issues.
Okay, most times I can get the untold joke and see how things might play out the way they did in these blurbs.
This time? I need this story! What the hells happened here!?
Now, the trigger was her eating meat, guessed that might be the case. But now, here is the real question, is that the intended trigger for this? Gotta raise some red flags if you start having special forces chow down on some jerky, and trying to be sneaky might result in them not eating it. It feels like a kind of round about and inelegant way to trigger something that is clearly had thought put into it and is there for a reason. So, is it possible that eating meat isn't the actual trigger, but there is some other means, like a specific spell or something that triggers the package much faster and more thoroughly then Swift had it happen, and the whole eating meat causing it to act up is just an unintended back door glitch in things that triggers it accidentally that they just either never caught or never thought was an issue because of how rare a pony eating meat would be?
Then we have, WTF is up with this? Is this some Top Secret but leadership approved PACT program? Or is this being done secretly by a group that has infiltrated PACT and are using it to scout for potential assets? Just how closely tied to the law firm in question is PACT? Many, many questions to find answers to.
I also really like how much Stella and Hardy have come to respect each other. And Hardy has some good points. There is a lot at stake with The Vivarium, so Stella poking around and drawing attention to themselves and/or their place isn't a good idea given the seeming level of foe they are up against. They already have Hardy on their list and he is going to be a target of them just for still being alive. So have Stella sit this one out, just keep an ear out and pass along any runors or information her ponies happen to overhear, and provide Hardy with some basic resources, and let the Detective handle point on this and draw any attention or retaliation to himself
That said, maybe he should bring Pickle along with him as a bit of ablative meat shielding, it is about on par with the level of respect he's getting. Though he does bring a lot on him self with that attitude. Pity for Pickle he's such a firm dom, if he were more a sub or a switch he might actually be enjoying things a bit more.
Do love how much Swift's reaction to her fangs was "Ohhhh coooool!" she's just the greatest. Also, she can now save a lot on Nightmare Night costume supplies.
Yeah, the kid's had it rough.... but she's still Swift and she still knows how to be awesome.
So, the gang is off the official radar, being bankrolled by a dragon that runs the biggest kink club this side of The Clocktower Society and who recently extended into running a casino via a little bit of harmless extortion of half of the city's leadership, and ow looking to hole up in the territory of one of the biggest, most violent gangs in the city. Hardy does know how to make sure no one would be looking for an ex-cop where he is.
God, I just adore the dynamic between Hardy and Swift. Still makes me smile and tear up a little.
Interesting. So he pays that much attention, ah?