50 - 100
"Thank you all for joining me here today," Celestia said.
Most of the ponies in the audience grumbled. It was nine in the morning on a Saturday -- they had wanted to sleep in, but Celestia insisted on the time so as to avoid the heat of the afternoon.
"Without further ado, shall we start?"
"Mmmmmrgh," came the resounding reply.
"I'm going to read this list whether you like it or not, and you had better listen."
51. The phrase 'what's your beef?' is an inappropriate way to address the Minotaur ambassador. All palace staff are to refrain from using it or be subject to employment termination.
52. Equestria is not a 'Solar Empire,' stop sending letters to Luna about overthrowing the establishment.
53. In relation to the previous declaration, there will be no redirecting of public funds to build a communication's relay to contact aliens for this endeavour. This includes the 'Advent,' the 'Outcasts,' the 'Federation,' the 'Rebellion', other empires, brown coated bipeds or other factions associated with science fiction works.
54. Nopony is to ask Twilight to 'fill the skies with music' just because she hatched a dragon. On a side note, this also doesn't make her a 'dragon born.' It has taken us quite a bit to have Luna curtail her habit of using the Canterlot Voice, I do not need another princess to revive it.
55. Building a wall around Ponyville and making Rarity pay for it is not an appropriate 'security measure,' Blueblood.
56. Twilight, you cannot encourage other ponies to 'plead the fifth', because it does not exist here.
57. My name is not Celestia Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, so do not refer to me as such.
58. You may not refer to Twilight as 'Spock', even if they do share the same interests and hair style.
59. The three tribes are not 'horny ponies', 'hover ponies', and 'boring ponies'. Use of the first one is just rude.
60. Neither Trollestia nor Molestia is a suitable nickname for me. See #57 and #49.
"Aw..." said several ponies.
61. You are not allowed to let loose parasprites or other matter of magical creatures into a populated area for "amusement purposes".
62. The moon is not made of cheese so stop asking Luna for slices of it.
63. The rabbit season/duck season is an inappropriate method of haggling.
64. Musical numbers featuring 5 or more ponies must be planned ahead of time and the organizers must have proper permits.
65. Princess Cadance does not have a room with extensive charts for shipping ponies with one another so stop sending her requests on information of "your one true love".
66. Bushes and stray clouds are not to be used as restrooms.
67. Trying to shove rain clouds into the ground will not increase the speed of apple growth or juice yield.
68. Regardless of their attitude or likability, you are not allowed to threaten animals with weapons in order to get them to do what you want.
69. You may not Photoshop ponies making out. See #34.
70. In relation to the above, you may not tell anypony loudly that you saw two ponies making out and that you have photographical evidence of it.
71. Do not tell Fluttershy that Pokemon are real animals. The last time that happened, she asked every single pony in Ponyville where the Pokestop was.
"I did not!" protested Fluttershy, but nopony heard her because she was talking so quietly.
73. This list is not a list of what Discord is allowed to do.
74. When two ponies fight, you may not tell them loudly to get a room. If Rainbow Dash is one of the two, you probably will die soon.
75. In relation to #73, this list is not a checklist.
76. There is no job being the pony who tells the royal guards that the odds are ever in their favor.
77. You may not stick nametags on ponies that say "LOLZ I IZ BEST PONY" or anything of the sort.
"But I rather like it," said Fancy Pants.
78. You may not tell Big Mac "the brothel is that way" at any time.
79. Zap apples are not proof that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were meant to be together.
"Ah TOLD YA!"
"Nuh uh!"
80. If you legally transfer ownership of your establishment to the Flim Flam Brothers, and then find out two days later that they are using dishonestly, you cannot sue me.
81. You may not pay a changeling to turn into your special somepony and make out with you.
82. You may not pay a changeling to turn into your enemy so you can punch them.
83. You may not pay a changeling to turn into a pony and confess their undying love for another pony.
84. Do not pay changelings to turn into anything that is not related specifically to something you really need, period.
85. The above rule applies only to physical jobs you need done, not emotional favors of love, comedy and/or hatred.
"But I--"
"NO." Celestia fixed Spike with her famous evil eye. The dragon grinned sheepishly and hid behind Twilight.
86. You may not call Luna racist because all her guards are bat ponies.
87. Whatever a Suicide Squad is, you may not try to make one.
88. You may not call the Wonderbolts racist because they are all pegasi.
89. You may not lecture ponies on diabetes at Sugar Cube Corner.
90. You may not make dirty jokes about Fluttershy's many animals, including but not limited to: roosters, cats, monkeys, blue-footed boobies, and beavers.
91. I do not banish ponies to the moon, even if they are your ex.
92. You may not sell tourist brochures to the houses of Sapphire Shores, Trenderhoof, Fancy Pants, or Photo Finish.
93. I do not go to the following: foals' birthday parties, pornos, performances done by Pinkie Pie and a large number of other ponies, or grand openings of shoe stores.
94. You may write private clopfics. They are not to be shared with the general community. Especially not in front of foals or read in a loud voice.
95. Shipfics, while fun to write, should not be taken as what should actually happen, so do not try to make them reality.
96. You may not provoke Luna or Discord so that we can have another "fun supervillain attack".
97. Discord is a draconequus. You are not.
98. Do not call any of the princesses "Big Mama".
99. White ponies are not racist just because they are white.
100. There will be no Cutie Mark Crusader Poledancers, CMC Stiltwalkers, or CMC Construction Workers.
A resound muttering broke out. Celestia took out a giant hammer and nailed the list to the wall, additionally adding a spell to keep it away from vandalists. Several pegasi flew up to peer at it, while unicorns levitated themselves, and earth ponies just jumped. Without another word to the surrounding ponies, Celestia ordered for a hot cocoa and a free afternoon, and then decided that there would be a list daily put up on the side of the castle. That would definitely save time, and her voice.
When she got back to the office later that day, her inbox was stuffed with scrolls, some of them covered in what looked like paint and/or mud. She sighed, and began to look at them.
"Ponies will always find a loophole..."
Not even two seconds after it escaped her mouth, another scroll burst into the air in front of her. Opening it to see Spike's messy scrawl, she read the two words: "THAT'S RACIST!"
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Here's one:
That's all I've got.
I hate to be 'that guy', but not enough to not make this comment... aren't list formats one of those that aren't allowed? First few are hillarious, though.... I'll chime in again once I read the whole thing.
7583897 don't worry, stories like this always fail miserably as being actual lists, which always knocks the humor value down significantly
7583908 Heh, true. I saw more non-listness as I read on.
7583917 Past participle of "To get", and it is used correctly, but in the occurrence in the Prologue where Celestia uses it in her address, it is a bit too informal.
7583908
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Is this a compliment or a criticism?
7584007 it's a criticism. A lot of these sorts of things, just phrase their ideas as they would be in conversations, rather than lists. Or they are things ponies must do instead of can't do. For example
Twilight, you cannot encourage other ponies to 'plead the fifth', because it does not exist here, is a phrase directed at one pony.
64. Musical numbers featuring 5 or more ponies must be planned ahead of time and the organizers must have proper permits
is something ponies have to do, an example of the second one.
7584042
I agree with your first point.
The second....I'm not going to follow.
Look, if you don't like the story, just say so, but I as the writer enjoy writing and sharing this.
You know I honestly thought this story would be much longer.
7584170 it's not that I dislike it, it's that I've seen hundreds of these things and they're never quite what's promised in the title. It's frustrating
7584202
Well, it's a work in progress.
May I ask why?
7584042 true true, to be honest i was mainly thinking up rules to put down :B
sweetness
Wait, what? Where did that even come from?
7584676
A, the fandom, and B, my imagination.
Asking for declarations of war is not a civillian power and all requests as such will be ignored.
If you have a problem, bring it to your local guard office before contacting me. I have headaches enough.
The Wonderbolts are not hireable for a nude photo shoot. Please stop sending requests.
All requests pertaining to your town or otherwise should be sent to the town hall, not random ministries.
Proposals for moon lasers, planetary cannons, and other such weaponry being built in any area or Equestria must be discarded immediately.
The Neightional Inquirer is now illegal, as well as all literature of that type.
Requests to erect a border wall of any kind will be denied.
Requests for secession must be filled out with due process, and must cover area larger than 4000 sqm.