Pixel and her pal, Buffy, goes on a vacation to the crowded beach in summer. As much as she loves tinkering with technology all day, even a pony like Pixel needs a break and what better way to do it than with friends? She's always a princess of the internet but rarely just plain old Pixel anymore.
Despite that, some ponies are looking to put an even bigger spotlight on her fame. Enter Azura Peavielle, an up and coming DJ who's trying to make a name for herself by promoting the princesses in her show. She's a good pony and is always trying to do the right thing. Along with her manager, they grace the airwaves everyday.
(All original characters are belonged by Poniverse and is used with permission for their summer writing contest. This is my entry in that. )
This was a nice story. I enjoyed the interaction between all the character, very well done.
Good luck in the contest by the way
Got to admit, there's not much to say about this contest, given how few entries we've received in it. But there's something to be said about you contributing so much of your time to attempt to write Poniverse canon, so it'd be nothing but disrespectful for me not to give your story a complete read and review. Let's get started, shall we?
(+) I've seen you in quite a few contests in the past, and the first thing I have to say that I notice is that your writing grows more mature with every story you write. Naturally, everybody has room for improvement, but in terms of grammar and syntax, you're up you're in the upper echelons right now. It's important not to underestimate the value of good syntax as well; unless one is remarkably good at prose (which few enough writers can boast about), the best kind of writing is that kind that doesn't intrude, the kind of writing that conveys the story while itself being transparent. And your writing is just about completely there. Woohoo!
(+) Additionally, the way you go about characterization is quite heavy on the dialogue, but very effective. Each of Buffy, Pixel, and Azura have distinct speech patterns and solid characters. I can't tell you how many stories I've read where just about every character reads exactly the same. Plus, in almost all cases, your characters are engaging. In particular, your Pixel characterization is superb. She's . . . kind of wimpy, but doesn't that make her all the more adorable and awesome?
(0) While your writing is mature and lets the story shine through your prose, the story itself is admittedly a little strange and certainly unique. There is certainly a overarching plot—that of Azura's radio show and coverage of Pixel. But even when it's introduced, a bunch of side plots are introduced as well—the sharks, the lost filly, the lost phone, the volleyball. Those are all story-worthy on their own.
In the end, I feel like you have story that's fundamentally constructed like an extended epic, with numerous arcs, and an overarching story bringing it all together. But that construction is at odds with the story itself, which is very fundamentally simple and should be constructed more simply. The story is both a lot longer and shorter than it needs to be.
(-) While the term "Slice of Life" doesn't immediately conjure up exciting images, neither does it mean "plotless." Your story, of course, isn't, but I thought it was for a good 40% of it. It didn't know your story had a conflict at all until Azura started getting anxious. While conflicts don't have to be huge things—like yours—they are important for providing a purpose for the story. I didn't know your story had a purpose for a good long while.
(-) Perhaps the biggest issue I have to bring up with your story is how "tell-y" it is. You've probably heard of the old writer's adage, "show, don't tell." Well, it seems like you've done quite a bit of the latter. Lemme bring up an example:
There is an entire story here that consists of Pixel finding a foal, walking along the shoreline with her, what color seashells they find, how much the foal does/doesn’t like her mother, when the foal lost her mother, and what she thinks of her. Yet all of that story is compressed to a single rather unengaging paragraph. I want to read about what happens between the two, because it's engaging and establishes Pixel and Seashell's relationship. I don't get that.
This isn't an isolated incident, either. Throughout your story, you do a lot of "telling," where you tell your readers what's happening but don't describe its actions. There are exceptions to this rule, but they come few and far between. A rule of thumb is exactly that writer's adage: "show, don't tell."
I know that you've mentioned that you intend to stop writing, and you've probably already made your decision. At the same time, considering everything you've written and how far you've come, I can definitively say that there's a lot of writer in you, and a lot of good writer, at that. I don't intend to convince you either way—if you'd like to stop writing, that's your prerogative—but if you do decide to continue writing, I'll be happy to read what you have to give.
~Tai
I don't know why, but you're story made me think of this PMV (much to my delight):
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this fic. You're the first person in our contest to write Azura as an actual radio DJ doing radio DJ things and I very much enjoyed seeing that. Fics that star Pixel are always enjoyable, your Buffy was pretty adorable and hilarious, and the whole fic had a pretty relaxed air to it while still being plenty entertaining. Thanks very much for the contest contribution, it was a pleasure to read!