The Comeback
I was so happy for finding Tank
Now I'm feeling a better pony
And the pain is reduced to ashes
I looked at him and he looked at me
I said: "Finaly, I found you!"
Tank looked at me and smiled
This was really needed for me
The suicide was really important
I am not feeling pain anymore...
Tank guied me to heaven
I went blind in that time
The lights were so beautiful...
Tank with a smile said:
"You need to go Dashie...
Your friends miss you".
I said to Tank, crying:
"But I need you!
I will have this empty space in my heart"
I hugged Tank and I cry
"Why I can't be here with you?!"
Tank smiled to me and said
"Because death isn't made by ponies,
Is natural and all will pass by this...
Go now; your friends miss you."
I really started to think about my friends
They could be sad or depressed like me...
And also they would kill theirselfs...
An empty light started to plump
It was showing me the way to live
Tank looked at it and said:
"Well it is your time to go"
I hugged Tank again and I said crying;
"When I can see you again?"
Tank smiled again and said:
"When you die naturally"
I washed off my tears and hug again Tank
So in the Gate of Life I was
Tank was looking at me with a smile
I looked at him crying...
I will miss him very but really very much
But my friends will miss me too...
And they will do the same as me.
So I jumped in the Gate
And then I come to life!
And I started to breathe again...
And the girls looked at me
It was my funeral
All were socked and amazed
My mother ran to me to hug me.
Twilight and Fluttershy tarted to cry with joy
"You're alive" said Twilight, "How?"
And I answer crying
"Heaven was a lightly place but
Tank taught me that I was too young to die"
Twilight grabed me and smiled
"I'm so glad that you are alive and fine"
"Yeah now I'm fine, Dashie is fine!"
Now I knew that I was fine!
So I decided to continue to write the poem
The poem of my depression
The poem of when I found Heaven
The poem that ended in this verse
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well thats somthing but still......... i dont care if god him self fire you back to your body a bullet to the brain is still going to leave you brain damaged
7353416 you have the point, also before funeral the body needs to be perfect you know
7353733 ok yeah they stitch the wound and put makeup over it not reconstructive brain surgery
7353766 she would have some mental problems, but she continued to have writting and reading capecities
And here I though poems need actual rhymes in them...really though....where are the rhymes?
The coverart of this story is also hilarious.
Why is tank always the pet that dies. Turtles live to be very old, if I remember right.
Also, missing the comedy tag, which would be the only explanation for the insanity that was the first chapter.
7353796 exists a thing called "white verses" that is verses without rhymes
7353799 wut xD
7354021 why I would put comedy xD
7354069
It reads like a parody of an emo teenager.
7354062 I think they are called "Free Verses" and I honestly fail to see much of point to them. I know they are sometimes found to be liberating by the authors and they still hold artistic value but they are highly experimental and rarely work.
7354066 The avatar looks like Rainbow Dash realizing that she just stepped on a pile of shit a moment ago.
7354080 xD
You know that depression is a steriotip for emo teens
7354087 edited coverart, I'm an experimental artist in every kind of art
7354698 I guess more power to you, but as a man who enjoys epiremental art very much, I have found little to no value in this work for me. Still, I am just one man and I get respect people who aim at a more niche audience.
Also I think the new cover art is even more hilarious. Rainbow Dash looks like a piece of a stepped on Play-doh. Just incredibly squished. I bet she would talk with a heavy Boston accent like that. I think you should probably settle for the cover that you yourself find the most fitting. I am just stating an opinion here after all.
7354735 ok, thank you for the feedback, also I have now a soundtrack for the fanfic
7354744 I will still follow you, because I am interested if you will think of anything special or unconventional that DOES end up interesting me.
7354748 Thank you!
I'm making a gorefic and a comedy fic
Why Icelandic?
7354772 Because it is brutal as fuck.
7354808 they are the same people who made This a thing
7354880 my country is blacklisted on this site for some reason.
7354772 it is a language that is very special to me
7354895 why?
7354908 I don't know. Just says so on the site.
7354923 and which country is?
7354946 Russia
7354949 Portugal
7354895 This one works to.
7354907 Are you Icelandic.
7354992 no portuguese, but Iceland is a country that is very cool and awesome!
7354998 hey awesome and sad story! You kind of know my language right, I'm Brazilian I speak portuguese Brazilian.
7354990 xD
7356738 this is what happens when people live on a isolated Island.
How do you pronounce Ljóðið?
7358271 Ljòged
Try adding more depth and editing into your chapters mate.
This is a Twilight's Reviews review.
Here are a few mistakes I found throughout the chapters that I think should be corrected:
I think you should write "take" inside.
You should add "side" to "in".
Maybe you should write "go" instead.
It's spelled as "controlling".
I think you mean "pursue".
Comma after "Twilight".
It's spelled as "OK", or "Okay", and you need a comma after it.
It's spelled as "OK" or "Okay".
I think you should add "it" after.
I think this is better phrased as "I had a lucid dream".
Comma after that.
I believe it's spelled as "hearing".
Comma after "Oh".
It's spelled as "thoughts".
I think you should take off the "ly".
It's spelled as "thought". You need commas after and before "me".
I think you should write "these" instead.
It's spelled as "Finally".
You should place "also" after "would". It's spelled as "themselves".
You should just write it as "light", and put a comma after "place".
This story's not bad, actually, but it could use a little work. There were quite a few mistakes in here, I would suggest you go look over it again in case I missed anything. And since your talking about emotional depth and feelings, you could be a bit more descriptive to give the reader a visual of what you write. I did like how ended the story, wrapping it all together, it was nicely done. I would also suggest you get an editor next time so you don't make too many mistakes.
7852837 Thanks for the review, I'm a beginner in writing in english, so I have some problems with spelling, grammar and orthography. Never mind, thanks for the review! ^_^