The World of Darkness meets Friendship is Magic. Malkavian style.
Neil's "condition" has made him an outcast in one society, only barely welcomed into another. Malkavians are bad enough, but a thin-blood? Neil's only choice is either Final Death, or starting again someplace where he'll never be found... by humans, at least. But what will happen if a childe of Malkav enters Equestria?
[Many thanks to the absolutely stellar Shira for helping me get off the ground. This was the first pony fiction idea I had and needed to get it out of my head. However, after writing (and subsequently merging) the first two chapters, I realised that HIE is not what I want to write.]
Chapters (1)
Not a bad start. The only advice I have is to add something between paragraphs when you are changing to different perspectives in the story.
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Yeah, thanks. I had lines when I wrote it in Word. I'll stick some in
Oh gods, WoD? There are only 2 of there properties that could possibly mesh well with MLP, Mage and Changeling (and I'm skeptical about the second one). Let's see which one you chose...actually I'm not sure. Which may be a good thing.
I do smell the sent of a Gary Stu but it's not horrible upon first view, which is a shock. Kind of rushed, not much background, am liking the method of getting to Equestria. You should probably put the crossover tag, because if someone who is not familiar with at least the old WoD were to read this, they wouldn't have a bloody clue. If (and I know this is a big if among new authors) you're interested in making this more accessible you may want to explain things, even briefly so it's not so confusing. Like who are the hunters, why does he have to leave, etc etc. You have a limited amount of time to catch the attention of readers and confusion won't help you get readers/followers.
That said, it's not horrible. It could use a lot of work but for something that I was going to assume was just horrible cliched garbage I was semi-surprised so grats on that.
Oh god I just hope Neil isn't a wolf or vamp. No non-comedy good can come from that
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I'm almost finished the second chapter, which will have more development. For now, I think I'm going to unpublish it. Now that I think about it, I'm not entirely satisfied with it. Thanks for the advice, you've given me quite a bit to think about.
Bonus points for the rewrite, it's a lot more coherent. You lose points for having every scene transition with Neil end in loss of consciousness. Crazy overused trope that it is.
Still an improvement over the previous so kudos
please make the second part
or ill make fluttershy cry
and you dont want to see fluttershy
do you?...