Desires of a Pegasus

sixkiller5

sixkiller5 #1 · Jun 7th, 2016 · 3 · ·

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I really liked this, not just mindless clop but there is an actual story with it.

keep up the good work snowy!

Slavenger Karl

Slavenger Karl #2 · Jun 7th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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Ha! Just keep rolling out this stuff. Clop, noclop, whatever... DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN!!!

Paladium Earth

Paladium Earth #3 · Jun 7th, 2016 · 1 · 11 ·

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well you asked us about you writing something mature and here you are with a clop fic! with the fucked up culture that our fandom has made with!

Rossby Waves

Rossby Waves #4 · Jun 8th, 2016 · 1 · ·

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Octavia Harmony

Octavia Harmony #5 · Jun 8th, 2016 · · ·

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7284415 You know the mature tag on FIMFiction means that the content is only for mature audiences right? Mature meaning old enough to be considered an adult audience. It doesn't mean that the content is morally mature, if that's what you're looking for?

Pusspuss

Pusspuss #6 · Jun 8th, 2016 · · ·

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You did a clop!? I must read now!

*Reads*

Oh damn! thats was hot! nipple sucking is my weakness.

Really good job on this one. You're getter a lot better with your writing and for your frist clop story, this was pretty damn good. I loved the characters and could tell they cared for each other a lot. It was very loving and fun to read!

Do more!!!

Terodeness

Terodeness #7 · Sep 26th, 2016 · · ·

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So I have read it and I liked it. I think it was cute, quite nice slice of life.
But then comes the uglier part. Generally I hate analysing stories, not only I don't think I'm the right person to do so because I can't give you impersonal criticism, but it also ruins the good feel of the story when you have to step back and look at it with cold honesty, intentionally look for every tiny mistake you haven't seen before, that you think that harms the story and highlighting the exact good parts you have liked.

So lets get started.
First I'm going to start with the things I liked. As I have said it was cute. 2 normal mares having a normal good times. In mine book, that's a good thing. The characters were cute. Horny and eager Snowy and Autumn playing a big mare just made me d'awww the whole time. The settings was also fine. The part I liked the most were where Autumn decided to move to bedroom and when Snowy wiggled her butt.
Also I like you are not doing just a mindless clop, because mindless clop works completely differently and I don't think you would enjoy doing that.
And the final thing:

Crotchboobs

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Now this part is what I wasn't ok with and what I would change after I overanalysed when whole story over and over again. Which means it's nothing else than "IMHO" and since I'm not a writer and I don't have any experience it doesn't mean I am 100% right.

So The first thing what have raised a question mark in mine head was when Autumn showed herself in the shower. You have described their relationship as a friends and later on as a childhood friends, nothing on which Autumn could assume that Snowy have interest in her. Basically the "signs" are missing. And then Snowy asking her if they are going to do sports. Going from friends to lovers in seconds. I think you are just mixing the story with clop elements and mindless clop here. Next, even when the clop part is good I think you could give little more passion into it next time. I know you want to avoid telling, but I don't think being little more descriptive in the "hottest parts" would hurt. Make us fell it, want it! Make us internally whisper "Oh god yes..." When we devour word after word! Ehm.. And the third think was quite hard to notice, but it doesn't feel like it was their first intimate time together... I don't have any experiences in this matter, but if this was their first time together it kind of lacks the concerns and even the shyness, at least at Snowy's part when Autumn is the dominant and experienced one.

Snowliasion

Snowliasion #8 · Sep 26th, 2016 · · ·

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7596518 Thank you for your review and pointers Tero. And you enjoy the teats of a pony hm? Interesting. I am happy you enjoyed it though and hope you'll like the next one too. And yes Snowy and Autumn did experiment before in Origins of a Pegasus.

Olden Bronie

Olden Bronie #9 · Apr 24th, 2017 · · ·

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This is so touching and passionate! It is a beautiful story of a loving experience and you did it wonderfully! Have an up vote and a favorite. Will definitely be reading more of your work.