The Forest
I drove for half an hour through the forest, thankfully there was a path that made traveling that much more easier. I got off the main path to try and hide somewhere in the forest, I found a nice clearing about 150 yards off the pass. The foliage is pretty thick so it should make seeing the tank hard, but I plan on add some camo to it, find some old branches or something. The clearing was a good size, about 150 yards by ninety yards, whatever those things were in town have wings, so I'll have to park on the edge and avoid being seen in the day. Thankfully, the canopy shrinks the size I could be seen by the air by half.
I climbed out and climbed onto the back to check the extra supply bags there was some good stuff: an ax, a shovel, some rope, a fishing rod (why is that here) were the big things I cared about, there were some other bags, it I'll check those later.. I started by cutting some of the fallen trees up for firewood and using any branches as camo then started digging to make a firepit. It was getting pretty dark out and not knowing anything about the forest I'll wait until the morning before I explore. Then I heard one of the few thing I didn't want to hear, voices.
"C'mon Thunder, we don't know where we are and we're in the Everfree and it's almost dark out" one said
"Stop worrying Rumble, we're almost out, besides if anything happens we have a guardian pony watching us." I guess that's Thunder, pretty weird names too. Thunder and what the hell is a guardian pony? Then again they have horns and wings here so who am I to judge. I don't know why, but I decided to help them, sorta. I'm just going to stay back a bit and watch them, so I grabbed the grease gun and an extra mag and went towards the voices.
I saw them on the path, heading back to town so they were at least on the right path. They both had wings and one looks to be twenty or so and the other looks like twelve or so (I'm bad at age guessing). I kept my eyes open and I tried to listen for anything that could mean a predator was nearby. A growl came from behind them, they had a look of pure fucking terror. They both slowly turned around and looked at the beast; it was a lone wood wolf.
"Run Rumble go get help!" Thunder said, Rumble ran and tried to fly a little bit off the ground and Thunder took a fighting stance.
I quickly shot at the wood wolf and it was torn to splinters, Rumble stopped and came back over and Tunder looked like he just shitted his pants.
"Rumble, get Twilight she has to see this." They must have not been around for my introduction, shame. Thunder just sat down against a tree and looked at the body. I just sat in a bush.
"They were on their way in Thunder" Rumble said and he came back with six new people(?). I recognized them as the ones at the table with the Princess this morning.
"Thunder! What happened here?" Asked the blue pegasus, she has rainbow hair, so her name is now Skittles.
"Lands sake, did you do this?" Asked the tannish one, she has a southern accent so she's now Betty Sue. Sounds redneck to me.
"No, it came from behind us, I told Rumble to run for help and there were some loud noises and it dropped dead. Then I told Rumblr to get you, Twi." The purple unicorn (that's the only thing I can think of that would make sense to call her) nodded. I noticed she has wings as well and is the only one with both, odd. I backed up several yards to make it harder to be seen.
"It's getting late and it IS the Everfree, we should be going, if you don't mind" said the yellow one, her skin was a butter yellowish color, so she's now Paula Dean.
"The damage caused to this timberwolf is similar to the the others just outside of down. That object he was riding on may be near by." Twilight noted, I personally failed to see how the damage from a .45 bullet and a 30 caliber bullet are anywhere close, but just a bigger wound I guess. At this point it's almost pitch black, so I head 'home', as I sneak away, I hear one of them say they'll keep looking for 'the creature' tomorrow.
Day Two
I woke up sitting upright in the driver's seat. I slowly popped the hatch and looked around, nothing out of ordinary. I hope to spend the next couple of days working on my 'home' mainly building a fire pit and clearing out fallen trees. I took a break and chugged half the canteen, I'm going to have to find a lake or a river for more water. The pit has about ten inches deep, which will do for now and I have a nice small pile of wood for a couple of nights. Next up is finding a water source, so I take the grease gun and the canteen, it felt like it was still full. I opened it and it was, I must have been imagining that so I drank half of it, closed it and reopened it. It was full again. I chalked this up under the 'Weird magic ' category, I kept experimenting with it. I dumped it out closed and reopened it and it was full again.
"I wish I had Coca-Cola" I thought it wouldn't hurt to try. I opened it up and took a sip.
"HOLY SHIT! IT WORKED!" I screamed. Add one more to weird magic. Still wouldn't hurt to find a water source to clean in, maybe get some fresh fish even. I grabbed the grease gun, and started walking, I found a nice sized lake that feeds a stream. I was just about to strip and wash the grime off me.
I returned home, clean but still smelly. Whatever sent me here could've given me some shampoo or a bar of soap. I looked around at what to do, the axe and I are gonna know each other real well after this.
"I should've waited to bathe." I said, panting after cutting several trees to logs. My arms would be putty tomorrow.
"Somepony help us!" I'll worry about my arms later, someone needs help. Also, somepony? So maybe they are unicorns and pegasi.
"KEEP YELLING! IM COMING" I called out to them. We kept up this game of Marco Polo for a couple of minutes. I found them, there were three of them, an orange pegasus, a white unicorn and a yellow normal one, they were all girls, young too, maybe twelve or thirteen. They were surrounded by a group of three wood wolves. I took them out and I sat there waiting for them to move.
"Thanks Mr. Guardian" the normal one called out, I tried to hide my laugh about how after I saved two of them and I have a nickname already. I failed at that. I started laughing away, the one thing I hate about myself is that when I start to laugh, I sit there silently and clap my hands. Thankfully, this time I didn't hand clap, but I heard a snap in front of me. They were coming to find me, following my laughter, I jumped up and sprinted back to the tank.
I got back to the tank and started on a fire, I found some matches in a supply bag so that was handy. It was still fairly warm, but I wanted more for light and keep wild animals away like in caveman times. The night sky was overcast, hopefully it wouldn't rain, but the Sherman should be able to handle muddy terrain just fine.
I climbed back in the tank, and fell asleep in the driver seat.
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I look forward to reading more.
Needs a little more detail. I got a little lost when the main character saved the CMC. Seems slightly rushed. Now this is better than some other stories I have read but its lacking something. More interactions and questions. The multi POV you did earlier is a great way to add length and adds to the story. Creates wonder and interest on how the mane 6 intend to deal with the latest 'metal beast' of the Everfree. But I am interested to see where this goes, I love WWII stuff and want to see more.
keep it up! this is really a good start ,more please with more detail.good job!
It seems a bit rushed but I see a lot of potential.
P.s. one of the worst things that you can possibly do in a tank is sleep in it especially a tank as old as the Sherman, gives you really bad back problems the whole day.
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The next chapter will have more interaction, and maybe finally the introductions.
Certainly feels rushed, but I like the idea.
You should make day numbers in bold - it seems more fit.
And I expect this to be updated regularly, not 3k words a month, like some stories.
7116058 Actually Older Tanks (not Light tanks of course) have more room in them than Modern Ones(MBTs NOT APCs or IFV's). Depending on your height you could actually stretch out a bit(if you slept with your back against an Ammo rack) in an M4 Sherman. Watch the end of the final battle in Fury (I know its a movie but they used a REAL Sherman for the entire film), You can see Brad Pitt stretched out on the floor with his back against the turret
Duuude slow down,everything just happens so fast.
Your readers have no time to imagine stuff. Always try to describe everything as detailed as possible.
And instead of writing "bang bang bang" try to avoid sound words and write something like "in seconds I readied the MP, took aim and unleashed a barrage of lead onto (insert poor bastard standing on the receiving end )"
7124252 IF it was an actual combat ready Sherman no, the amount of extra stuff everywhere would make it hard to move around. However, for movies and stories that isn't accounted for.
7227953 But, for his first story though, its pretty good i guess
That was quite a save.
i want a sprite.
.....
didn't work.
Definetly needs to be more slow paced and more detailed, but otherwise this is great
You seriously need to rewrite this story at a much slower pace, and go into at least a few more details. This is just way too confusing for me to read, which is a shame, cause i had been looking forward ot a good story.
Still rushed, but phrases like this keep me going:
You probably are better now, but something I learned a while back I found to be an interesting tactic to make sure you don't rush things by accident.
The time it takes for an action to occur in the story should take about the same time as it takes to read it. Since people read at different rates, use dialogue for a reference. (However long it takes for you to read the dialogue compared to how long it would take in-universe to speak it.)
This isn't super-strict, but it lets you know when to add more description or detail, or when to cut down any flowery language.
Also, alongside this "rule" is another one regarding style. I didn't notice any actual problems with yours, but I wanted to say it anyway. Action should use shorter, harsher sentences, while emotional or serene scenes should use longer, flowing ones. At the same time, sentence length should be mixed up a bit as well.
Sentence length is something often overlooked in writing (mostly because grammar comes first), but for fiction, it's surprisingly important. (Though I have used these techniques for persuasive essays to some effect.)
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and it came out as a spirte cranberry that just happened to come from Mcdonolds and man! dat sprite crispy