Happy Hooves

by EpicGuy

Segway Spike

As the burning sensation in his head began to slowly diminish, Spike wearily opened his eyes and, blinking multiple times, glanced across his surroundings. He couldn’t remember what exactly happened, but the image of a psychotic white alicorn wielding a baseball bat seemed to be engraved in his mind forever. He shivered in horror.

Once the scenery stopped spinning, the small dragon got to his feet and took a closer look at the foreground- it looked suspiciously bland, only a few random gray blocks against a dark sky. There was no wind or light, no temperature that he could place his claw on. It seemed oddly normal.

“Alright, what did you guys do to that punch?” he chuckled, trying to find an outline of a pony from behind the curtain. He expected somepony to laugh, giving away their hiding spot as easy as stealing a cupcake from Twilight.

But nopony answered.

“Heh, good job guys!” Spike said, more than a little freaked out by the thought that he might be alone. “You can come out now.”

There was a small, fleeting flash of white light out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned to question it there was only the same blackness. He gulped nervously.

“Awesome prank!” He shuffled his feet, finding that the resulting sound was cartoonish and dull. “Gonna have to put in the r-record book…”

Although nothing moved, the small drake was sure he heard the sound of a hoof scuffing plastic. How could that be when there was nopony in sight?

“You moved!” he goaded. “Ha! Gave yourself-“
Miraculously, something moved.

It was him.

His scaly legs jerked back and forth, the action making him blush furiously. Whoever was doing this, he hoped he/she wasn’t watching- and that it wasn’t a mare. “Cut it out!” Spike growled.

His legs, sadly, didn’t listen.

A hard object bopped him from behind, throwing off his balance. “It’s enough that you’re making me do… That,” he shouted, supremely embarrassed, “but now you’re gonna throw stuff at me? That’s harsh, man!”

Whatever controlled the object didn’t budge. Spike figured it wouldn’t hurt to see what had befallen him. It was a dark Segway, the wheels shining brightly in the dim light as it sat behind him.

“Umm, does anypony wanna claim this Segway?” Spike asked. Nothing answered.

He shook his head and looked back at the sophisticated yet utterly simple device. Twilight had found a book on the subject of Equestrian technology only a few weeks ago, and he recognized it from one of the pictures in the transportation section.

“What’s this, Twi?” he had asked, setting his claw on the glossy photo.

The studious mare was eagerly looking at the price tags of a few books in the Adult section of the store. She had levitated the book over to her and grinned.

“Oh,” she called behind her, “it’s called a Segway, Spike. They used to be immensely popular in Equestria, especially Canterlot, but for the oddest reason they died out after a year.”

He found himself drawn to one part of the simplistic, gorgeous machine in particular- the bright scarlet switch on the long bar that was the backbone of the Segway. Spike felt a strange longing for it wash over him, and momentarily all of the embarrassing events of the day drifted into the back of his mind.

“I’d love to touch it!” Spike shouted.

And so he did.

The Segway blazed to life as he laid his claw on the switch, and his senses were bombarded with the rancid stench of gasoline and the sudden burst of light from the sleek dashboard. Everything was a thick blur, one newfound trait of the powered on device merging with another until all of a sudden the Segway was still. He examined it closer, finding that the gas had nearly stopped billowing and that the lights had dimmed considerably.

“Neat-o.” he said.

Slowly but surely, he climbed onto the Segway. A tinny voice that suspiciously sounded like Twilight told him not to. “You don’t know who touched that before you!” she yelled. “Wash your claws! Take a bath! Get a job!”

“No!” he yelled out defensively, childishly, his gnarled fingers holding the steering device taut. “No, Twilight!”

In his fit of rage, the small dragon had pushed his arm forward, putting the dormant Segway in motion. His eyes opened wide as he realized the device was going forward at an alarming pace- whether he ran into a wall, a curtain, or a pony, it wasn’t the worst thing on his mind.

“Hey!” Spike squeaked in terror. The scent of gasoline slowly but surely reappeared in the air. “Stop it! I command you!”
It didn’t listen.

A spark of brilliance hit the reptile like a blast of freezing water after he had just awoken. Taking a deep breath, he shifted his arm back.

Amazingly, he stopped moving. The Segway purred in response.

“I must be the smartest dragon in the world!” he exclaimed, pumping his fist happily.

Spike, out of both curiosity and ignorance, slowly edged the handle forwards. The dragon felt the engine, warm beneath his feet, and heard the Segway moan softly as if it were begging for more. He grinned with devilish delight, already wondering everything that could be accomplished with this amazing technology. “Why would anypony ever let these super cool things die out?” Spike mused, examining its beauty again.

“I mean, look at it! Sleek black metal, tiny wittle handles, tons of flashing lights… This Segway’s got everything going for it!” He stroked the tall midsection of the Segway, savoring the feel of the chilly metal. The dragon’s eyes brightened in devilish delight, and his claws felt as if they were energized with a newfound drive for speed. Slowly, he brought his tongue across his lethal fangs.

“Time for a real test drive!”

Spike pushed the handles forward with all his might, making the lustful Segway growl passionately. A fresh gust of smoke billowed out of its rear, and the engine heated up beneath his trembling feet. “Oh, baby!” Spike moaned, feeling the pressure build up inside the machine’s underbelly.

All at once, that pressure exploded in the form of a huge blast of energy that propelled Spike and the Segway forward. The sound barrier bent around them, and the poor dragon fought to keep his eyes open against the heavy pressure. Spike also felt the swift wind rushing through his scales (Nearly tearing them off as well), cascading down his spine, energizing his spirit.
“Aw yeah!” he cried. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the air current swiped them away and left silence in his wake.

Spike’s vision slowly began to clear, and he saw the faint outline of the pavement’s end approaching. He began hyperventilating and searched for any hidden lever or button that could propel him up.

He worked too slowly, and the Segway bounced over the ledge… and up onto the other side, landing gracefully on both wheels. Spike’s jaw went slack, and his heart did somersaults in his chest as the device scooted on, leaving the gap in the dust.

“I’m alive!” he shouted, grabbing hold of the steering mechanism and turning it sharply, hoping to create the best wheelie Equestria had ever seen. If the mechanism wasn't stiff, he might have accomplished that.

No matter how hard he tried, Spike couldn’t turn the Segway to any side- and after some experiments, he found that he couldn’t control the speed either. The Segway was locked in a straight direction, and his speed was enough to impress Rainbow Dash.

Spikes burst out of nowhere, lacing across his path like jagged teeth. The dragon, already knowing his fate, simply took his claws off the steering wheel and prayed that his death be quick. He closed his eyes after taking a final look at his surroundings, savoring these last moments. If only they weren’t spent in this strange area, riding a possibly possessed, demonic Segway, at the hand of spikes that appeared out of nowhere. Life could be worse, though, he thought sullenly.
Suddenly, every ounce of weight disappeared from his body in a single sweep, and just as he was getting used to being as light as a feather there was a rush of blood to his appendages. These appendages promptly exploded, thanks to the spikes viciously digging their sharp tips into said arms and legs. The pain was indescribable, searing, pure agony, and for the second time Spike wondered exactly why he was here.

Before he could think of more precise adjectives to describe his emotions, Spike’s weight piled back onto his frail frame and all the gaping wounds were closed up. When he dared open his eyes, he saw the Segway speeding past the spikes.
Spike would’ve squeed and yelled, but what lay in front of the Segway now made him wish the spikes had killed him.
His heart stopped; his eyes glazed with pure, undiluted fear. The dragon let out a long, droning squeal that sounded much more appropriate coming from one of Applejack’s hogs. This thing screamed misery, pain, sorrow… Why did he, a humble dragon from Ponyville, have to be thrust at it? Surely there were ponies who had sinned more than himself, right?
It approached swiftly. Time seemed to slow, but not enough to make the object’s movement seem any less rapid. This is the end, he thought bravely, tell Twilight I love her! As a friend, not as a… Ugh! He retched, which took his mind off his impending doom.

He was hit by a sudden rush of bravery, and Spike thought back to all those heroic stallions in the novels Twilight owned. They feared nothing, vanquished everything, and did it with grace. There was once, long ago, that he wondered if there would be a time when he’d have to be like them, with the flowing manes and devious twinkle in their eyes.

It was time.

He fiddled with the handlebars- they gave a little, allowing him to slow down or speed forwards. Grinning like the maniac he was, the dragon thrust both of them forward. Combined with the speed of the thing, he figured that he was only a few seconds away from being flattened and promptly eaten.

Suddenly, the Segway stopped. The sudden stop made his stomach jump, but that wasn’t the worst of his problems.

“Hey, Twi said that they ‘died’ pretty quickly…” he mused.

He looked down at the dashboard, which was completely black. The stench of smoke was completely gone- the Segway was done for.

“Crap.”

And then it reached the dragon. The *bzzt* loomed over him.

“SH-“

ERROR

The change from such a bright scene to a plain black screen was so drastic that Celestia jumped out of her plush seat, spitting out Coke like a sprinkler. A popcorn kernel popped out from between her teeth, lodging itself into her priceless monitor, but she didn’t care at all.

“Error?” the almighty deity of Equestria roared, her bloodshot eyes sluggishly scanning the otherwise normal web page. Her hoof darted to the mouse, then to the refresh button at the top of her browser. “Stupid Internet Explorer,” she muttered, “I knew I should’ve switched to Chrome! All of Canterlot has!”

Slowly, the page loaded and displayed a set of words all too familiar to a die-hard internet junkie and a symbol all too aggravating. One of her eyes twitched- a habit she had formed early on as a foal, when she used to stare into the sun for hours on end. She figured that looking at a bright computer monitor for even longer wasn’t much different.

“Internet Explorer cannot connect to the internet?” Celestia hissed. “Please troubleshoot your network connection?”

Her horn glowed a fierce yellow, and she locked her computer with a flick of magic. “It’s got internet in the name!” she grumbled, summoning from thin air a copy of “Troubleshooting Your Console for Immortal Rulers.” After igniting the light in her horn again, she slipped behind the computer tower and began to skim through the obnoxiously huge book.

“In the event of an internet malfunction, turn everything off, then turn everything back on.” Celestia read. “If the preceding directions do not work, you did something wrong.”

Her eyes flared with anger, but the alicorn collected herself nonetheless and switched everything connected to the main tower into the off position. The familiar electrical current disappeared, and Celestia felt like the walls were closing in on her. The sooner she got the internet working, the sooner she could get back to Happy Hooves. Some days she wondered how she- and all of Equestria for that matter- had gone on living before this amazing game.

As swiftly as the current had disappeared, the once-white (She was now covered in Cheeto dust, regular dust, and sweat. White was far from it) pony smashed her horn into the switch and alighted into her plush seat, specialized gaming mouse in her chubby little hooves. She felt the power of the internet flow through her, fueling her in her quest to top the scoreboard.
The Windows screen loaded, brandishing the familiar logo like a banner. Celestia could barely contain her excitement.

All of a sudden, the screen turned black and the computer tower made a deep whimper, as if somepony had beat it over the head with a baseball bat. Something inside the monitor sparked. The smell of fried wires wafted through the air. She thought she heard a small pop within the computer tower, followed by a lot of things falling all at once.

Celestia was not a happy pony.

“What is wrong with this thing?!” she snarled, lashing out at her keyboard in a fit of rage. A few keys splintered and leaped from their spots, hitting her face. Technology seemed to be mocking her.

The alicorn growled and opened up the guidebook again. Nothing in all 500 thick pages mentioned the computer freezing up and promptly imploding. She was so caught up in her moaning and groaning in self-pity that the white mare didn’t see a suspicious, dark figure materialize at the edge of the room. She also didn’t notice the devious twinkle in the pony’s eyes.

“It’s been so long since I’ve played Happy Hooves!” Celestia wailed, throwing everything (including the book) out the window and slamming her front hooves into the monitor. The plastic broke into shards and embedded themselves into her flesh, but nothing mattered more to her than Happy Hooves. In her godly eyes, the maker of the fine game should be immortalized.

The whimpering come to an abrupt stop, and the sudden silence made Celestia’s eyes widen until her pupils were just dots. Her sense of hearing sharpened, and her ears began to swivel rapidly. She could hear herself breathing heavily. In the corner of the room, a hoof brushed against the perfectly cleaned tiles.

Celestia whipped around to face the creature, conjuring nunchucks from the air and holding them at the ready. What was in the corner, she didn’t expect in the slightest- Luna, grinning ear to ear, with two cords hanging from her mouth. The white alicorn had read enough of that stupid book to know that one connected the Wifi adaptor to the socket, and the other was a very important cord that connected the computer tower and monitor to the graphics card.

The moon princess giggled. “Art thou aggravated, dear sister?” she asked playfully.

“LUNA!” Celestia roared, launching herself at her nimble counterpart. Squealing, Luna raced down the stairs, cords waving like banners, and Celestia, after picking herself up, followed suit. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!”

Comments

[Lazypoisonfl]

[mikethealicorn]

haha i got a good chuckle out of that well done

[EpicGuy]

1875852

Thanks!

[mikethealicorn]

np

[EpicGuy]

1876287

Probably.

[Rainbow87dash]

Luna way to get your own back on Tia

[EpicGuy]

2637531

Glad I surpassed your expectations (...I guess?).

[smoothersuperior]

I wanna play!!

[ShamelessOC]

3479748 No.

[Stevenminhntqltyoshi3042]

At the first part, I saw a scene which was actually from one of Pewdiepie's montage of happy wheels and you put it in, really clever
Second, I laughed for my life when the error of the internet explorer happened and Celestia sceamed for her life and spinkle coke all over
All in all, greatest story I read for now