Pinkie Pie calmly climbed into her bicycle, making sure each hoof fit nicely onto the pedal before putting her full weight on the device. Her mane, as thick and curly as ever, bounced with the beat of each movement her lithe body made. The sound of her hooves clopping on the hardened pavement resembled the rhythm of a snare drum, and the song made her eyes sparkle with a light the sun could not replicate.
When she was completely balanced on the bicycle, she swiveled her head to glance at the back of the sky-blue bike. Along with the striking jet-black texture of the wheels and the sterling silver gears within, there was something else that appeared in her clear vision;
A passenger seat.
Pinkie gasped, a long, droning shriek, as she saw it was empty. The two portions of the belt hung loose and fluttered whenever the bike swayed.
"Dashie!" she cawed. Her mane was but a magenta blur as her hawk-like eyes searched rapidly for any sign of the speedy pegasus. In the corner of one eye, there was a pale cyan figure heading for the hills.
Pinkie Pie uttered an animal-like scream and suddenly was gone, her being disappearing into thin air. Not even the thinnest strand of pink hair was left as she became void of existence.
Dashie's hooves pounded on the concrete, sometimes slipping on sweat that had escaped her brow. One of two reasons for the sweat was the clothing Pinkie Pie had forced her to wear- an orange shirt that squeezed her chest in ways it shouldn't and vibrant green pants that hugged places pants should not be allowed to hug.
Another reason was the insane, delirious pink Earth pony that was probably smelling her fear like a fresh hay-and-cheese sandwich.
"Dang, that mare sure runs fast," she muttered around her hanging tongue, "and has one heck of a sense of smell."
She contemplated flying up, up and away from this blasted place, but the tight shirt didn't give any room for her wings to unfurl, let alone fly. Her magenta eyes flashed with irritation.
Suddenly, her hooves topped moving and she stopped in her tracks. Rainbow Dash simply stood there, listening.
The angry sounds of Pinkie Pie's hooves had vanished.
She twisted around to get a good look at where she left her friend, by that accursed bike. It had fallen over, and Pinkie was nowhere to be seen.
Rainbow Dash gasped and began a mad dash for the nearest way of escape, her hooves barely touching the ground as she sped. Her face was frozen in a morbid combination of horror and despair. "N-not the-"
She couldn't finish her sentence, as there was a writhing mass of pink almost strangling her and practically sitting on her warm chest. From the deep, whirling figure covered in fur poked out a pair of ice-blue eyes.
"DASHIE!" growled the beast.
Rainbow Dash kicked out with her back hooves, but that only tightened the area around some of a mare's most private spots. She winced and gave into Pinkie Pie's wrath.
"I'm not getting on that thing, Pinkie."
"But Daashie..."
"No means no."
"You promised!"
Rainbow Dash sat on the pavement, her hooves crossed in rebellion. As funny as she looked, the pegasus was nothing compared to Pinkie Pie. The earth pony had donned a flimsy, earthy green shirt loosely attached to a pair of brown pants by way of a dark belt. She also had a realistic handlebar moustache that bounced as she talked and a helmet firmly placed over her wild mane.
"Then why don't I have a helmet?" Rainbow whined.
"Because I'm supposed to be the Irresponsible Dad, silly filly!" Pinkie answered as if her explanation was perfectly normal for one to say.
"There's two things wrong with this picture;" Rainbow Dash protested, "For one, I'm about to board a bike driven by Pinkie Pie, Pinkie Pie, with no safety other than a pitiful seat belt. Also, you are not in any way related to me."
"That's what all the teens say these days." Pinkie murmured, almost in sadness. "And I thought I was talking to a future Wonderbolt, not a prissy shut-in!"
Rainbow Dash was taken aback by this statement, and she clearly showed it. "I don't know you, dad." she hissed between her teeth.
"You are getting on this flipping bike, young lady, or with Celestia as my witness I will ground you!"
"No way! You're lying; I can see it in your eyes."
Pinkie Pie began climbing back on the bike, the metal creaking slightly. "One, missy..."
Rainbow Dash kicked out at a stone, sending it flying across the barren landscape. "Ha! The old 'count to three' trick. Nice try, pops."
"Two..."
Still she did not budge.
"Seventeen!"
Pinkie Pie's hoof seemed to defy the laws of physics for a split second, growing to an abnormally long length to grab hold of Rainbow's neck and fling her aggressive body into the flimsy bike seat, designed for little fillies and colts to accompany their parents. It practically screamed under her weight and threatened to collapse, but the laws of gravity apparently did not apply and she stayed safe and sound in her seat. "Piiinkiiee!"
The party mare extraordinaire began to pedal as fast as her hooves would go, making a thick cloud of pink arise from below and a few rogue sparks light up the dark concrete. Her eyebrows were scrunched up so heavily that only a sliver of blue remained.
For a moment, everything was slow, as if they were submerged in molasses. Dash felt every trace of fur on her body stiffen in anticipation, every fiber of her being prepare for what was still to come. A shockwave of lightning coursed through her spine, energizing Rainbow Dash's mind. She felt ready.
Then the wind blasted her face, tore off some of the skin and she screamed "I'M NOT READY!"
The moonstruck driver didn't hear her terrified words, so violently she was pedaling and so excited she was for what was planned for the two.
A rogue rock rushed up to meet the front-most wheel of the bicycle.
"Watch out for the stone!" Rainbow Dash squeaked.
Pinkie Pie laughed, her elegant moustache jiggling and a few stray strands of fluffy mane making an entrance. "Not a problem, my little Dashie!" she called. "It's just a pebble!"
This pebble had a large enough mass to throw the bike off-course and potentially damage anypony on board, in which it did both of these. It buckled and maneuvered sharply to the left in an illegal U-turn, and half of Pinkie Pie's moustache was ripped off thanks to the wind speed. "My mooooustache!" Pinkie cried.
"Shut up, dad." retorted Rainbow.
After they shoved the bike back into its regular course, the pegasus' eyes widened at a thought she didn't bother pondering until that very moment.
"Where are we going, Pinkie Pie?" she asked.
Pinkie Pie, at first, did not answer. Her eyes seemed locked onto a rapidly approaching bump in the road that seemed to be growing with every foot they travelled. Rainbow Dash couldn't help but notice her long, silky tail becoming straightened and some of the patches of mane flattening.
"Where are we going?" she repeated.
Silence.
"P-P-Pinkie?"
The bump began to crest into not an insignificant bump, but a medium-sized mountain that they began to ascend. Rainbow Dash made the mistake of looking down and nearly squawked like a Scootaloo in complete horror.
Suddenly Pinkie Pie's head began to pivot towards her, much like a owl. One pupil was dilated and a deep shade of blue, the other miniscule and a peppy shade of sky-blue. A psychotic smile was copy-pasted onto her face, almost too large for her cheeks to handle. Dashie had one eye on what had become of her friend and the other staring at the approaching hill. It was close enough to see over the edge, and she was not the least bit optimistic about what awaited them below.
"Honestly," Pinkamena rasped, "Dashie..."
Rainbow Dash let one eye slide towards the pedals- she couldn't see the magenta mare's hooves anymore, they were going so fast. She counted the seconds as the front-most wheel neared the edge.
"I DON'T CAAAAAAAAAAARRRRE!"
At once they were flying, flying across the gigantic, gaping hole below the steep hill. Sharp spikes happily poked out of the hole and awaited becoming shish-kabob sticks that glinted as they were spattered with crimson blood. Of course, Dashie screamed.
"DEAR SWEET CELESTIA PINKIE PIE! PINKIE PIIIEEE!"
The front wheel landed neatly on the opposite hill, ready to move on, but thanks to Rainbow Dash's weight (Rainbow Dash: Hey!) the other did not have as smooth as a landing. It never touched land, and simply twirled in midair.
"Okay, Pinkie Pie," Rainbow Dash cooed. "Calm down."
"Shut up, kid!" Pinkamena snarled. Rainbow took a double take as her mind concluded that this was not her perky pal's usual voice at all, but one of an uptight father. "Don't make me turn this machine of pain and horror around!"
Rainbow Dash, out of options, decided to play along. "But daaaaaaaaaaaaad..."
"Quiet you!" Pinkie Pie leaned forward until her flank was proudly raised (Much to Rainbow Dash's combination of arousal and dismay) and began to pedal once more. She grunted and a single drop of sweat rolled down from her brow, but nothing stopped the pink pony as the bike began to dip forward. Slowly at first, centimeters at a time, they trudged forward with the back wheel and Rainbow beginning to follow. Her eyes shone as one half of the wheel made it onto the cold, heartless concrete with a dull thud.
Suddenly Pinkamena jerked backwards, the laws of physics bending to her will and pushing the two forward. Her balloon-covered plot was thrust straight into Dashie's face, and the pegasus felt the tight shirt's edges rip as her wings threatened to make an appearance. "I like this position." she murmured around a sea of silky tail.
"Of course you do, kid." Pinkamena blushed furiously, but didn't let anypony know of her sudden happiness.
Rainbow was about to reply when from out of nowhere two arrows flew at their vital organs from different directions. She let out a muffled cry and buried her muzzle deeper into the depths of Pinkie Pie.
One arrow flew at Pinkamena's heart; with a tilt of the handlebars she sidestepped the lethal weapon's shining point and had it only graze the coarse hairs of one hoof. Only a few seconds after regaining normal speed and angle, the hoof fell off.
"Dad, your hoof fell off!" Rainbow cried. Even from her position, a few crimson droplets landed across her dapper shirt.
"That's only a small sacrifice!" the chauffeur answered.
"What's the big one?"
"YOU!"
The other arrow had not stopped a straight-forward route, aimed directly at one of the rubber handlebars. Pinkamena thrust them sideways and pedaled like there was no tomorrow, twisting in such a way that Rainbow Dash's seat was in the crossfire.
Rainbow ducked, but the arrow hit one hoof and went straight through the other side covered in a thick layer of blood. A tiny wound remained as it flew off into the distance. "What the heck, Pinkie Pie?!" she screeched.
"It's Pewdiepie to you, son!" came the reply.
"Pewdiepie, I lost my hoof!" Rainbow whined as the damaged hoof flew clean off, the shoe with it.
"I don't CAAAAAARRE!" Pinkie's voice made her plot rumble, as if it were an ominous storm.
Another hill, much smaller than the last, approached them. Pewdiepie did the obvious and jumped it.
"Front flip!" she exclaimed as she did just that.
"Dad, that was a back flip." Rainbow replied.
"DON'T QUESTION MEEEE"
Rainbow Dash's comment destroyed her pal's concentration, and their bicycle stopped in mid-backflip. It plummeted like a flightless unicorn onto the concrete, crushing one wheel entirely and barely clipping Pewdie's head. The wheel squealed and spontaneously combusted, catapulting the bike's charred remains, plus the ponies, into the nearest spike-filled pit that happened to be filled with shirtless Fluttershys.
Along the way, Pewdiepie lost her helmet.
"Ooh, you don't have safety!" Rainbow Dash cawed.
"I can assure you," the half-mustached-non-helmet-ed Pewdiepie hissed, "I am perfectly safe. Why, we're only falling into a pit of pointed, deadly spikes with only a teeny chance of survival, and to top it all off, the pit is also acting as a home to a horde of shirtless Fluttershys! Perfectly safe!"
Rainbow Dash was the first to perish, but not by the spikes impaling her on the cranium. The brave pegasus had fallen victim to one shirtless Fluttershy's brutal cuddling and cooing. Pewdie got stabbed through the moustache by a random gear from the sky-blue bicycle. A vermilion, pixilated sign depicting the word "VICTORY!" popped up onscreen, accompanied by a horn sounding off a few notes and a bucketful of confetti.
"Aww yeah, that level was boss!" a female voice, gruff and raspy, exclaimed. "Five flipping stars!" A tiny arrow moved swiftly across the screen and clicked the five-star option on the rating scale. Five bright yellow stars flickered their thank-you and were silent once more, awaiting her next move.
"Should I try it with a new character?" the voice mused. "Segway Spike or Lawnmower Lyra looks like they have the guts to beat BlueBlood1's record..."
She thought long and hard about this decision, the mouse swaying back and forth like a charmed snake. "Decisions decisions," she thought...
"Eh, I'll watch the replay."
As the burning sensation in his head began to slowly diminish, Spike wearily opened his eyes and, blinking multiple times, glanced across his surroundings. He couldn’t remember what exactly happened, but the image of a psychotic white alicorn wielding a baseball bat seemed to be engraved in his mind forever. He shivered in horror.
Once the scenery stopped spinning, the small dragon got to his feet and took a closer look at the foreground- it looked suspiciously bland, only a few random gray blocks against a dark sky. There was no wind or light, no temperature that he could place his claw on. It seemed oddly normal.
“Alright, what did you guys do to that punch?” he chuckled, trying to find an outline of a pony from behind the curtain. He expected somepony to laugh, giving away their hiding spot as easy as stealing a cupcake from Twilight.
But nopony answered.
“Heh, good job guys!” Spike said, more than a little freaked out by the thought that he might be alone. “You can come out now.”
There was a small, fleeting flash of white light out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned to question it there was only the same blackness. He gulped nervously.
“Awesome prank!” He shuffled his feet, finding that the resulting sound was cartoonish and dull. “Gonna have to put in the r-record book…”
Although nothing moved, the small drake was sure he heard the sound of a hoof scuffing plastic. How could that be when there was nopony in sight?
“You moved!” he goaded. “Ha! Gave yourself-“
Miraculously, something moved.
It was him.
His scaly legs jerked back and forth, the action making him blush furiously. Whoever was doing this, he hoped he/she wasn’t watching- and that it wasn’t a mare. “Cut it out!” Spike growled.
His legs, sadly, didn’t listen.
A hard object bopped him from behind, throwing off his balance. “It’s enough that you’re making me do… That,” he shouted, supremely embarrassed, “but now you’re gonna throw stuff at me? That’s harsh, man!”
Whatever controlled the object didn’t budge. Spike figured it wouldn’t hurt to see what had befallen him. It was a dark Segway, the wheels shining brightly in the dim light as it sat behind him.
“Umm, does anypony wanna claim this Segway?” Spike asked. Nothing answered.
He shook his head and looked back at the sophisticated yet utterly simple device. Twilight had found a book on the subject of Equestrian technology only a few weeks ago, and he recognized it from one of the pictures in the transportation section.
“What’s this, Twi?” he had asked, setting his claw on the glossy photo.
The studious mare was eagerly looking at the price tags of a few books in the Adult section of the store. She had levitated the book over to her and grinned.
“Oh,” she called behind her, “it’s called a Segway, Spike. They used to be immensely popular in Equestria, especially Canterlot, but for the oddest reason they died out after a year.”
He found himself drawn to one part of the simplistic, gorgeous machine in particular- the bright scarlet switch on the long bar that was the backbone of the Segway. Spike felt a strange longing for it wash over him, and momentarily all of the embarrassing events of the day drifted into the back of his mind.
“I’d love to touch it!” Spike shouted.
And so he did.
The Segway blazed to life as he laid his claw on the switch, and his senses were bombarded with the rancid stench of gasoline and the sudden burst of light from the sleek dashboard. Everything was a thick blur, one newfound trait of the powered on device merging with another until all of a sudden the Segway was still. He examined it closer, finding that the gas had nearly stopped billowing and that the lights had dimmed considerably.
“Neat-o.” he said.
Slowly but surely, he climbed onto the Segway. A tinny voice that suspiciously sounded like Twilight told him not to. “You don’t know who touched that before you!” she yelled. “Wash your claws! Take a bath! Get a job!”
“No!” he yelled out defensively, childishly, his gnarled fingers holding the steering device taut. “No, Twilight!”
In his fit of rage, the small dragon had pushed his arm forward, putting the dormant Segway in motion. His eyes opened wide as he realized the device was going forward at an alarming pace- whether he ran into a wall, a curtain, or a pony, it wasn’t the worst thing on his mind.
“Hey!” Spike squeaked in terror. The scent of gasoline slowly but surely reappeared in the air. “Stop it! I command you!”
It didn’t listen.
A spark of brilliance hit the reptile like a blast of freezing water after he had just awoken. Taking a deep breath, he shifted his arm back.
Amazingly, he stopped moving. The Segway purred in response.
“I must be the smartest dragon in the world!” he exclaimed, pumping his fist happily.
Spike, out of both curiosity and ignorance, slowly edged the handle forwards. The dragon felt the engine, warm beneath his feet, and heard the Segway moan softly as if it were begging for more. He grinned with devilish delight, already wondering everything that could be accomplished with this amazing technology. “Why would anypony ever let these super cool things die out?” Spike mused, examining its beauty again.
“I mean, look at it! Sleek black metal, tiny wittle handles, tons of flashing lights… This Segway’s got everything going for it!” He stroked the tall midsection of the Segway, savoring the feel of the chilly metal. The dragon’s eyes brightened in devilish delight, and his claws felt as if they were energized with a newfound drive for speed. Slowly, he brought his tongue across his lethal fangs.
“Time for a real test drive!”
Spike pushed the handles forward with all his might, making the lustful Segway growl passionately. A fresh gust of smoke billowed out of its rear, and the engine heated up beneath his trembling feet. “Oh, baby!” Spike moaned, feeling the pressure build up inside the machine’s underbelly.
All at once, that pressure exploded in the form of a huge blast of energy that propelled Spike and the Segway forward. The sound barrier bent around them, and the poor dragon fought to keep his eyes open against the heavy pressure. Spike also felt the swift wind rushing through his scales (Nearly tearing them off as well), cascading down his spine, energizing his spirit.
“Aw yeah!” he cried. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the air current swiped them away and left silence in his wake.
Spike’s vision slowly began to clear, and he saw the faint outline of the pavement’s end approaching. He began hyperventilating and searched for any hidden lever or button that could propel him up.
He worked too slowly, and the Segway bounced over the ledge… and up onto the other side, landing gracefully on both wheels. Spike’s jaw went slack, and his heart did somersaults in his chest as the device scooted on, leaving the gap in the dust.
“I’m alive!” he shouted, grabbing hold of the steering mechanism and turning it sharply, hoping to create the best wheelie Equestria had ever seen. If the mechanism wasn't stiff, he might have accomplished that.
No matter how hard he tried, Spike couldn’t turn the Segway to any side- and after some experiments, he found that he couldn’t control the speed either. The Segway was locked in a straight direction, and his speed was enough to impress Rainbow Dash.
Spikes burst out of nowhere, lacing across his path like jagged teeth. The dragon, already knowing his fate, simply took his claws off the steering wheel and prayed that his death be quick. He closed his eyes after taking a final look at his surroundings, savoring these last moments. If only they weren’t spent in this strange area, riding a possibly possessed, demonic Segway, at the hand of spikes that appeared out of nowhere. Life could be worse, though, he thought sullenly.
Suddenly, every ounce of weight disappeared from his body in a single sweep, and just as he was getting used to being as light as a feather there was a rush of blood to his appendages. These appendages promptly exploded, thanks to the spikes viciously digging their sharp tips into said arms and legs. The pain was indescribable, searing, pure agony, and for the second time Spike wondered exactly why he was here.
Before he could think of more precise adjectives to describe his emotions, Spike’s weight piled back onto his frail frame and all the gaping wounds were closed up. When he dared open his eyes, he saw the Segway speeding past the spikes.
Spike would’ve squeed and yelled, but what lay in front of the Segway now made him wish the spikes had killed him.
His heart stopped; his eyes glazed with pure, undiluted fear. The dragon let out a long, droning squeal that sounded much more appropriate coming from one of Applejack’s hogs. This thing screamed misery, pain, sorrow… Why did he, a humble dragon from Ponyville, have to be thrust at it? Surely there were ponies who had sinned more than himself, right?
It approached swiftly. Time seemed to slow, but not enough to make the object’s movement seem any less rapid. This is the end, he thought bravely, tell Twilight I love her! As a friend, not as a… Ugh! He retched, which took his mind off his impending doom.
He was hit by a sudden rush of bravery, and Spike thought back to all those heroic stallions in the novels Twilight owned. They feared nothing, vanquished everything, and did it with grace. There was once, long ago, that he wondered if there would be a time when he’d have to be like them, with the flowing manes and devious twinkle in their eyes.
It was time.
He fiddled with the handlebars- they gave a little, allowing him to slow down or speed forwards. Grinning like the maniac he was, the dragon thrust both of them forward. Combined with the speed of the thing, he figured that he was only a few seconds away from being flattened and promptly eaten.
Suddenly, the Segway stopped. The sudden stop made his stomach jump, but that wasn’t the worst of his problems.
“Hey, Twi said that they ‘died’ pretty quickly…” he mused.
He looked down at the dashboard, which was completely black. The stench of smoke was completely gone- the Segway was done for.
“Crap.”
And then it reached the dragon. The *bzzt* loomed over him.
“SH-“
ERROR
The change from such a bright scene to a plain black screen was so drastic that Celestia jumped out of her plush seat, spitting out Coke like a sprinkler. A popcorn kernel popped out from between her teeth, lodging itself into her priceless monitor, but she didn’t care at all.
“Error?” the almighty deity of Equestria roared, her bloodshot eyes sluggishly scanning the otherwise normal web page. Her hoof darted to the mouse, then to the refresh button at the top of her browser. “Stupid Internet Explorer,” she muttered, “I knew I should’ve switched to Chrome! All of Canterlot has!”
Slowly, the page loaded and displayed a set of words all too familiar to a die-hard internet junkie and a symbol all too aggravating. One of her eyes twitched- a habit she had formed early on as a foal, when she used to stare into the sun for hours on end. She figured that looking at a bright computer monitor for even longer wasn’t much different.
“Internet Explorer cannot connect to the internet?” Celestia hissed. “Please troubleshoot your network connection?”
Her horn glowed a fierce yellow, and she locked her computer with a flick of magic. “It’s got internet in the name!” she grumbled, summoning from thin air a copy of “Troubleshooting Your Console for Immortal Rulers.” After igniting the light in her horn again, she slipped behind the computer tower and began to skim through the obnoxiously huge book.
“In the event of an internet malfunction, turn everything off, then turn everything back on.” Celestia read. “If the preceding directions do not work, you did something wrong.”
Her eyes flared with anger, but the alicorn collected herself nonetheless and switched everything connected to the main tower into the off position. The familiar electrical current disappeared, and Celestia felt like the walls were closing in on her. The sooner she got the internet working, the sooner she could get back to Happy Hooves. Some days she wondered how she- and all of Equestria for that matter- had gone on living before this amazing game.
As swiftly as the current had disappeared, the once-white (She was now covered in Cheeto dust, regular dust, and sweat. White was far from it) pony smashed her horn into the switch and alighted into her plush seat, specialized gaming mouse in her chubby little hooves. She felt the power of the internet flow through her, fueling her in her quest to top the scoreboard.
The Windows screen loaded, brandishing the familiar logo like a banner. Celestia could barely contain her excitement.
All of a sudden, the screen turned black and the computer tower made a deep whimper, as if somepony had beat it over the head with a baseball bat. Something inside the monitor sparked. The smell of fried wires wafted through the air. She thought she heard a small pop within the computer tower, followed by a lot of things falling all at once.
Celestia was not a happy pony.
“What is wrong with this thing?!” she snarled, lashing out at her keyboard in a fit of rage. A few keys splintered and leaped from their spots, hitting her face. Technology seemed to be mocking her.
The alicorn growled and opened up the guidebook again. Nothing in all 500 thick pages mentioned the computer freezing up and promptly imploding. She was so caught up in her moaning and groaning in self-pity that the white mare didn’t see a suspicious, dark figure materialize at the edge of the room. She also didn’t notice the devious twinkle in the pony’s eyes.
“It’s been so long since I’ve played Happy Hooves!” Celestia wailed, throwing everything (including the book) out the window and slamming her front hooves into the monitor. The plastic broke into shards and embedded themselves into her flesh, but nothing mattered more to her than Happy Hooves. In her godly eyes, the maker of the fine game should be immortalized.
The whimpering come to an abrupt stop, and the sudden silence made Celestia’s eyes widen until her pupils were just dots. Her sense of hearing sharpened, and her ears began to swivel rapidly. She could hear herself breathing heavily. In the corner of the room, a hoof brushed against the perfectly cleaned tiles.
Celestia whipped around to face the creature, conjuring nunchucks from the air and holding them at the ready. What was in the corner, she didn’t expect in the slightest- Luna, grinning ear to ear, with two cords hanging from her mouth. The white alicorn had read enough of that stupid book to know that one connected the Wifi adaptor to the socket, and the other was a very important cord that connected the computer tower and monitor to the graphics card.
The moon princess giggled. “Art thou aggravated, dear sister?” she asked playfully.
“LUNA!” Celestia roared, launching herself at her nimble counterpart. Squealing, Luna raced down the stairs, cords waving like banners, and Celestia, after picking herself up, followed suit. “YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!”
