The CMC are on a mission, to find out where Foals come from.
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- Member Since 26th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 5th, 2016
lordnyan
Writing silly stories about silly singing ponies. Mostly Sweetie Belle.
lordnyan
Joined 26th Jan, 2016 ·
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That was cute! This probably could have been marked as teen, but then my perverted eyes would never have noticed it.
Unless you plan on continuing the story, and living up to that mature rating. Oh my, the things they could discover! Filthy, I say.
And now the part where I give some unsolicited writing advice! There's some lines in here that state the obvious, and it's a little distracting. Like:
That's obviously what she's doing. It doesn't need to be said.
Yes it was quizzical. That's what the question mark means.
The 'in shock' bit seems redundant. Honestly, the 'jaw open' bit is even on the line of something that should be obvious.
You could have left off the description and it would have implied the sound, or you could have left off the sound and it would have implied the description. This is basically the same thing twice.
Okay unsolicited advice over. There are a bunch more examples like that, but back to the story praising bit. I liked it! Wouldn't mind seeing more. So welcome to the site and I hope you keep it up.
6887040
Just so long as it doesn't involve Filthy Rich.
6887040 Thanks. Most of what you described was me trying to keep to the whole "Show Don't Tell" writing gimmick you hear so much about from Professional Writers and Writing Teachers. But i guess i may have went a bit overboard.
Also this emotiocon list needs more Sweetie Belle. WAY more Sweetie Belle
6887711
When I read it, it seemed like you were straining for things to add to keep it from just feeling like a movie script.
I find it helps to try to put them in the context of their location, or to fill in a little back information, like when you mentioned that the stork thing was a generations-old story but something less obvious than that.
Feel free to disregard my advice though, my writing is garbage.
6887721 I'm sure your writing is good. I take as much advice as i can since i am trying to turn writing into my full time job. Mostly because i become very pissy when i'm not coming up with stories (or at least reading some), and i'd imagine i would become quite an asshole were i stuck in a boring day job my whole life
This is a strange moment of wondering if telling a lie is better then the truth, or if the truth is safer then the lie. Either way, you probably are going to Tartarus XD
Adam and Jamie would be proud!
6888330 Just as long as they don't try and use C4
6889842
I thought that was necessary for every Mythbuster experiment. Though I must admit I'm not sure how exactly they would with this myth.
6890331 Maybe just so you could see what the reaction would look like with explosives added. It's not like Adam and Jamie never added explosions at the end of a Myth testing just because they could.
6890589
True, maybe it'll lead to a followup: What happens when you strap c-4 to your pony / dragon hybrid foal?