When Snow Blast takes her life and other's in a school shooting to the cause of bulling, Rainbow promises to never let it happen again. But it not just there, it is everywere.
One day a yellow filly with pink hair joins Dash's class and is soon harrased, and not wanting to go through this again befriends the filly. She soon has to decide to between popularity or the life of another.
This story was inspired by the movie to save a life and the song hero by super chick.
Enjoy!
This is my first story. so please be pacient, i am still having trouble.
note: this takes place as if everyone went to the same school. all unicorns, earth ponies, and pegasi.
Chapters (1)
>School shooting fic
>In a place where guns don't even exist.
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Despite being a generally good idea, there are some flaws in the writing. However, I like the idea, you just need to work on sentence structure and using the proper tense. I noticed at the start you wrote, "it has been a week..." and then the rest of that paragraph is past tense. "It had been a week" would've the correct form. Also, sentence fragments (you easily could've made a normal length sentence, but instead chopped it into smaller sentences) make the flow of the story choppy and hard to follow. And example in your story:
It has been a week since it happened. The school just reopened and going on as usual. Security was raised. And no matter how many times she tried, she couldn’t get the memory out of her head. The look of pain in his eyes, the gun, her final words, “I can’t take it anymore.” Rainbow Dash tried her best to forget but could not.
It wasn’t her fault, but she felt as if it was. It was one of her friends fault.
You could've simply juts done:
It had been a week since it happened. The school had just reopened and classes resumed as usual, albeit security was raised. But no matter how many times she tried, she couldn't get the memory out of her head. The look of pain flashing through his (define 'his', so the reader can visualize it better. Is 'he' a pegasus? What color is his mane? What color is his body coat? Just describe basic details and perhaps a name, but don't add too much detail and make it a run-on sentence) eyes, the gun-- her final words: "I can't take it anymore." Rainbow Dash tried her best, but the images would not leave her mind. It may have been her friend's fault, but she still felt like she was to blame.
I could list even more issues, but I'm not a pre-reader on Sundays (More like: I'm too tired from playing Diablo 3), but I'll track this and guide you to the best of my abilities. The idea? Great. The dialogue and content? Needs work. Try and get a friend (who's a grammar Naz- er, good with grammar) to proof-read and help you make the story flow better. If it's only yourself, you're bound to miss a few small (or major) errors in your story. It's just the nature of the beast. Hope this helps, and I hope you'll look over the chapter and realize, "whoa, how did I miss that? *fixes error*" in order to make this story the best it can be.
~KingOfTheGrammarNaz-
I maen, ~KingOfTheMuffins.
Why should I read this when you haven't even bothered proofreading it?
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To be fair to the man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fztJ9hE6cio&t=0m32s
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Equestria can be whatever a writer wants it to be. Remember that technology can be whatever the show writers want it to be, and guns haven't been accounted for nor 'denied' in Equestria, so who knows? Meh, too busy looking for errors (which are numerous, to say the least) so I can give advice. I'm so bored, that I'm actually being helpful instead of sarcastic. That's a rarity for me.
Also, don't try and rush paragraphs. Let the story flow and flourish, rather than beheading parts of it for speed rather than quality.
I like the concept. But you seriously need to do some editing and proofreading. Also only one character can talk in a paragraph it makes it easier on the reader and makes it look organized. This seems very rushed as well take your time when writing. I recommend rewriting this chapter with more detail and better spelling/grammar. You spelled Fluttershy wrong really man. And one last thing Gilda a bitch but your making her seem satanic. I suggest getting a editer/proofreader
Really not one nice comment? Well fuck everyone who disliked it! Oh by the way i liked it. I can't wait to read more. Whoever the author is i highly enjoyed it you should really write more i will give like and favorite and what the hell i will watch to see what elso you write.
I liked it. SHURE needs work but so will mine.
I can't belive you mentioned that song tho. I have all of superchic albums. It's a fitting song
more like stand up and be an hero am i right
Good job critics, you successfully chased off a would be writer