When a young Pegasus by the name of lightning loses his wing in a tragic factory accident, he is visited by Princess Celestia to do a dangerous mission for her, to save Pony kind as we know it. The mission is harsh, and dangerous, and soon he believes that himself and his partner may not survive the ordeal.
*Update* Finally finished! First two parts have been uploaded to youtube! Here, have a link /) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs_F56lWN0E
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Can I make a counterpart to this? This is awesome.
>Brand new writer
>Story seems to be about OC with crazy for no reason wings who is automatically important enough to get a mission from Celestia herself
>Already telling people how to submit fan art as if excpecting to get fan art
i912.photobucket.com/albums/ac323/joaquin994/55860__jj_jameson_laughing_meme-1.jpg
Read it. It stunk. Please fix it. Now.
Damn I created a character called Lightning in my story thats still to be moderated. I'm so sorry I didn't know you had written this. I swear I didn't copy; I swear!
It's fine, there are many character out in the Fictional world named lightning. Using a name for a character isn't stealing, it's just naming your character. its the same way people name their children after other people.
Yes, while I am an new writer, have you even read the story?
Explosion sent energy into main characters body, giving him a new form of energy, making him an Valuable asset. This is a Energy no one else has, seeing as how no one else was effected by the explosion. The way this energy got into his body was through the destruction of his wing, therefor Tying it with the story. Also, he gets his wing replaced.
Also, i was just asking for cover art. No more, no less. While it does seem a bit stupid to be asking for that right off the bat, The cover art i have for this so far is extremely ghetto, and I would just like a actual cover art.
Also, thirdly, Its an unfinished product. A large amount of this will all be explained in later chapters. Sorry for this misunderstanding, but, its my first book.
690552 I can see you're also new to this site as a whole. For future reference, each comment has a little button at the top right which let's you reply to that specific comment.
Now then, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try to give the best advice I can give on this to try and help you grow as a writer. I'm going to be blunt and honest about everything. No sugarcoating. But keep in mind, I'm going to try and be helpfull and not just mean with it.
First is the OC. OCs have a weird status here in the fan fic community. It's so easy to make an OC that will receive nothing but criticisms from readers that it ain't even funny. First way is the color schemes. Over the top bright colors, or sterotypical dark ones like a black and red combo will be seen as a negativity to most people. Lightning isn't too bad on that aspect, but it should be kept in mind for future reference.
Then there is backstory. OCs with "dark" backstories are so common that it makes this yet another turn off for readers because they've seen it countless times. Another thing to think about for future OCs. Then there's relationships with main characters. Shipping with a mane 6 member? Unless you're an amazing writer, that's something that should be avoided no matter what. Just making them good friends with the main characters needs to be treated with care. It needs to be established how they become friends. Making them automatically besties with them? Another reader turn off. And another thing to keep in mind for future stories.
Then there's powers of an OC. Just plain and simple NEVER make an alicorn OC. That's truely the worst possible thing an OC can be in this community. Also, making your OC very powerfull can also be troublesome. The power you mention, no one else in all of Equestria has what Lightning can do? Sorry to say it, but it's things like that which push OCs into being labled as a Gary/Mary Stu. And that my friend, is something you NEVER want your OC to come across as.
Finally, I'll tell you about the use of the pony generator. The thing is good for making a profile picture of your OC, but almost author suicide to use as a story picture.
690552 Continued: It's author suicide because it's used as story pictures so often that it makes it seem lazy. Thus, I can understand why you don't care for using that as a cover picture. That's a good thing. But one does not simply get someone to help make a picture for the story. The person doing the drawing will either 1. Enjoy the story, and do it out of the goodness of their heart because they're a fan, or 2. Charge you money for it. You need to wait for someone to offer for number 1, and paying up to 50 bucks for number 2 is just plain not worth it. So the best thing to do is find a way to use something else for a cover picture. I personally use screen shots from episodes, but using those would be pointless on stories where an OC is the main focus and no main characters have a significant role. So if you can't make the story picture yourself I'd recomend either A. Using some other kind of picture that would work, like a lightning bolt because of your main character, or B. Not using a story picture at all. I know it sounds weird, but no story picture is probably better than a pony generator one.
So now I'll actually read your story and give what advice I can about the story itself. Hopefully once all my advice is given, it'll help you grow significantly as an author.
Thanks for the feedback. I really think i could have done better with this story, but I can't rewrite it. Hopefully my other Fan-fictions I'm working on will be better. I'll make sure to use all your advice in my next books. Again, thanks.
Alright, so now I've actually read everything you have so far.
I already detailed aspects to OCs that can end up turning readers away so I don't think I need to touch on Lightning being able to do his own version of the Sonic Rainboom and having his power or his relationship with Dash and the rest of the mane 6 . Although if you ARE doing the love things with Dash/Lightning/Soarin/Spitfire then you should put a Romance tag on it.
So first things off, the most important thing you need to improve on is paragraphing. The chapters look like big walls of text right now, and that's a thing that's pretty hard for readers to look at. The enter key is your friend. Be sure to break up dialogue and descriptions to make it look better. One paragraph should try to not be any longer than 8-10 lines.
Also, one thing kind of bugged the crap out of me throughout the story. Instead of Rainbow Dash, you called her Rainbowdash. I know it seems like a small thing, but if it bugged me throughout the story, it would for other readers too. Just be careful about details like that.
Now then there's the plot. As I did with OC describing, I need to be straight up honest with you. This was incredibly odd for a story. I liked how it started out with the lingering Discord "dread" virus, and how Lightning ends up having to be the one to end the madness once and for all. But you all of a sudden switch from talk about a deadly virus killing ponies to him and Dash having to travel to the edge of the world and get a scroll from an evil queen? Um.....what? That right there is a MAJOR dramatic change in how the story is paced. You need to always make sure your story makes sense, and a change like that doesn't. The scene where he gets home and all those ponies are there also doesn't make any sense. Why are the CMC there? Why is Cadence there? The show never said that she was a ruler of Equestria, she's just related to Celestia. The 4 of them being there just seems unneeded for what the purpose of that visit was. The rest of the mane 6 besides Dash being there seemed a bit odd too, considering they are just then being shown in the story. But in the scene he says they're some of his best friends and are treated like they've been just as important in the story as Dash. That right there is like something out of The Room. Not good my friend. And one more thing, WHY would she tell him to only take one person to help him? The fate of all of ponykind is on the line here, why wouldn't she let him take everypony he wants?
And lastly, always make sure to keep everyone in character. Soarin seemed like a complete dick in the chapter he appeared in, but in the show he seems like a carefree dude that's pretty friendly and nice and likes pie. Cadence seemed a bit rude too. Although Luna and Celestia seemed a bit off on that matter too.
So that's all I got to say for advice. Just keep all I've told you in mind, and hopefully the next story will show great improvement. Good luck in your future endeavors
A pony dying and becoming reborn as a human? Now THAT is a real rarity to see.
Anyway, I can for sure see some improvement already with these chapters already. There's still grammar mistakes and some paragraphs are still a bit beefy, but it's getting better. All I want to point out is that final chapter. I don't know if it is supposed to be the final chapter of the story or not. If so, it needs to be marked as complete. If not, then disregard what I said. Also, the phrase goes "Out of the frying pan and into the fire," but if you knew this and intentionally reversed the phrase, than also disregard that.
If you're interested, I'm in a group dedicated to helping new writers for advice on how to improve as fan fic writers and what not.
So if you want to, you can find us here.
Thanks for referring me to the group! Hopefully it will help me do the sequel after I finish the story I'm working on at the moment.
I did do the reversal of the quote, seeing as how I like to switch things up a bit, and it also kinda sets the scene for how the next book is going to be.
Anyway, thanks for all the advice, and hopefully my next story will be better due to the advice. Thanks!
Work on sentence structure. Good story though.
I can't get the beginning right