When The Cutie Mark Crusaders go missing, it's up to Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash to find them, even if it means descending to the very depths of the ocean, and their minds, to do it.
The S in Sweetie should be capital, I can see how it might have slip passed you, and it never happen again, plus this was the only error I could find, so this is just me being a bit picky.
Hi there! I wanted to say that your fic has caught my interest! I do plan on reading, but I just wanted to point out that, in your story description, "wares" should be "wears". I'd hate to see someone else be turned away because of a small thing like that. Anyway, can't wait to read!
6468999 No problem! It happens to the best of us. And when I do read, I'll be sure to leave a comment on the story itself. Looking forward to this one!
I quite like how you started this story, the ponies seem to be well in-character, there's a believable reason for everything, and I look forward to reading more of this fic.
Overall, this was a good intro, but there are a few grammatical and punctuation errors. Mostly some missing commas, quotation marks, etc. Still, it's caught my interest.
I like this start, it has caught my attention. I am glad "Twilight is the BEST" recommended this story to me. I just noticed a few minor grammar issues here and there but they are very minor.
The only question I have is what happened to Cherilee and the Sailor. But I'm assuming that question might get answered later. This is good stuff.
I only have one thing to say. I hope that a Big daddy will be introduced with the little sister to find the cutiemark crusaders. And also that this story is also awesome!
Comment posted by AppleTank deleted May 19th, 2016
This is a bit nit picky, but you should just say "Applejack Scolded (edit sentence here)." As a personal rule of thumb, the only time you don't identify characters directly by their name is when they are an unknown entity to either other characters or the reader. Applejack isn't an unknown entity to either, in this case at least.
This is hardly an impact on the chapter, and can be ignored. However, I do suggest you change it.
Well, I'm Intrigued so far. The quality of the chapter, which I personally judge in regards of detail, pace, and use of dialogue, is pretty damn good. You give just enough detail to allow the dialogue to run the show a bit (and not too much), and you go at a decent pace; not so slow they you bore us to death and not so fast as to leave us in the dust.
Storywise, I'd say this is pretty interesting, and I will be reading into this further.
Tomorrow of course, it's 11:00 PM atm. I prefer not to die of sleep deprivation.
Not a gamer pony so don't have any background on Bioshock, so this story has to stand on it's own merits to me. This is good because I'll have no preconceptions of what to expect, so here's looking forward to something interesting.
Her first thought was that Scootaloo head pulled a prank on the other ship residence,
had
Scootaloo then proceeded to light set the white filly on the floor and check her heartbeat.
lightly This already has a '20,000 leagues under the sea' feel too it, elevator ride to Jules Verne territory, YAY!
I really like this story so far! I know nothing about Bioshock so hopefully that won't matter. Overall, I think the story was written quite nicely, and I found that there were a few grammatical errors, mostly run on sentences where commas and periods could be. I think you guys really nailed the CMC's and their sister's voices, while I don't think Cheerilee saying "you're busted" and asking a student what they think in a dangerous situation would be something she would do.
Gonna read the next chapters now! Have a like from me!
This is pretty cool! I thought it was interesting that you described the ship as titanic, had an iceberg crash, and a water escape scene. Heck, I think you mentioned less like a crash and more like a crazy vacation which feels like a reference to the Tumblrpon event "Vacation Death Cruise".
Maybe just JanAnimation's part of it? The CMC were on a cramped boat room on their way to a crazy island.
Oh my what glorious fun will be coming Still love the story so far and it's only the first chapter. I'm going to read the rest of this and then wait for more. You got me sucked in and I'm going to keep with it till the end, so good on you for making a already interesting story
Okay you got my thumbs up just finished the first chapter I only have two complaints. I'm not a grammar Nazi by any stretch of the imagination your grammar for this site is flawless. that being said complaint number one the beginning was very rushed the sister send-off felt like an afterthought. Complaint number two you made Cheerilee a neglectful idiot. Not reassuring Scootaloo's fears about drowning in a frozen sea and asking Scootaloo's opinion if it's a good idea to trust the Sailor to save them. I'm not sure how much involvement you had in the crafting of this story since it is a collaboration. I respectfully retain the rights to remove my like at such a point that I find this tale unacceptable to me. Beyond that goodworld crafting and use of the English vernacular. Edit complaint number three I feel dumb as a box of rocks for not even catching this the first time how can Sweetie Belle and Applebloom not know if Scootaloo can swim when they were swimming in their first cutie Mark Crusaders episode.
Nothing against your story, just being overly nitpicky.
Just make sure you keep warm we wouldn't want you getting sick like the rest of the class.
Missing a full stop.
"I'm pretty sure it was cabin A... Room one hundred... Thirteen."
Nice A113 reference.
To her utter shock what she heard with the screaming voices of other ponies.
Could probably use a comma.
After taking a brief moment to rub the bump on her head, she looked around to see if she could find Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.
I wish I had taken those lessons that Rarity told me about. She thought
Maybe put italics or quotes.
Scootaloo then proceeded to light set the white filly on the floor and check her heartbeat.
Lightly.
"I don't know it looks like you're supposed to sit in it,"
Full stop.
Overall, nice setup. I don't know jack about Bioshock, so I can't really say anything on that front, but it looks like it's shaping up to be quite a good story!
Not Bad for a first chapter, the story looks interesting. My Little Pony meets Bioshock. I do like the Bioshock games. (However I do like the first game a lot more the the other two.) So this story is turning out to be good.
Amazing truly amazing I know little about bio shock but this this is the perfect crossover most crossovers are just bad but this one! This one takes the cake I love it I love the cmc they're so cute and you made them just perfect
I honestly think think this is one of the best Fan fiction's I ever read! The story is spectacular and the characterization is perfect! I love this so much! Cant wait to read more from you!
Um, I hate to point this out but.
The S in Sweetie should be capital, I can see how it might have slip passed you, and it never happen again, plus this was the only error I could find, so this is just me being a bit picky.
Please don't hate me.
6468702
Thank you!
6468858 No, Thank You for making this awesome fic.
6468881
Daw, you're welcome!
Hi there! I wanted to say that your fic has caught my interest! I do plan on reading, but I just wanted to point out that, in your story description, "wares" should be "wears". I'd hate to see someone else be turned away because of a small thing like that. Anyway, can't wait to read!
6468958
Oops!
Maybe I shouldn't write my fic's description at 2:00 am.
Regardless, thank you!
6468999
No problem! It happens to the best of us. And when I do read, I'll be sure to leave a comment on the story itself. Looking forward to this one!
Hmm... A crossover fic between Bioshock and MLP...
Oh-Ho-ho, welcome to my neck of the woods friend!
I'll be sure to keep a close eye on this fic.
WELCOME TO RAPTURE!
More I need more this is really good.
6475973
Why thank you! I'm well under way with the next chapter, so it won't be too long.
I will try my best to not disappoint.
Intrigued I am by the story you have so kindly place upon this site...Let you chapters come swift like a cold night breeze
Gr8 sir
6513112
Thx sir
cdn.meme.am/instances/400x/57869784.jpg
Great chapter, hope the rest is as good
I really like the idea so far. You've got my interests peaked. Keep up the good work and I look forward to the next chapter :)
Huh when your collaborator told me about this I expected it to be interesting but poorly written. I was wrong it's well written and interesting.
I quite like how you started this story, the ponies seem to be well in-character, there's a believable reason for everything, and I look forward to reading more of this fic.
Overall, this was a good intro, but there are a few grammatical and punctuation errors. Mostly some missing commas, quotation marks, etc. Still, it's caught my interest.
Weird, what happen to Cheerilee and the sailor? Oh well.
This is good.
I like this start, it has caught my attention. I am glad "Twilight is the BEST" recommended this story to me. I just noticed a few minor grammar issues here and there but they are very minor.
The only question I have is what happened to Cherilee and the Sailor. But I'm assuming that question might get answered later. This is good stuff.
a interesting start to what looks to be a interesting story.
good spelling and it looks to have a plan going with good planning.
I will be holding of on ratting this story till I read more of it.
This is very interdasting
This should be an interesting read.
I noticed a few grammatical errors and typos here and there, you may want to read through the chapter and fix them.
Other than that, I found this chapter to be a good read. Can't wait to read the next chapter!
I only have one thing to say. I hope that a Big daddy will be introduced with the little sister to find the cutiemark crusaders. And also that this story is also awesome!
Wait we're with scoots now?
why do I get the phrase "paint me like one of your prench fillies " the more I read this chapter...
Also why are Rainbow, Rarity and AJ apparently the only family members accompanying the class?
This is a bit nit picky, but you should just say "Applejack Scolded (edit sentence here)." As a personal rule of thumb, the only time you don't identify characters directly by their name is when they are an unknown entity to either other characters or the reader. Applejack isn't an unknown entity to either, in this case at least.
This is hardly an impact on the chapter, and can be ignored. However, I do suggest you change it.
Well, I'm Intrigued so far. The quality of the chapter, which I personally judge in regards of detail, pace, and use of dialogue, is pretty damn good. You give just enough detail to allow the dialogue to run the show a bit (and not too much), and you go at a decent pace; not so slow they you bore us to death and not so fast as to leave us in the dust.
Storywise, I'd say this is pretty interesting, and I will be reading into this further.
Tomorrow of course, it's 11:00 PM atm. I prefer not to die of sleep deprivation.
Not a gamer pony so don't have any background on Bioshock, so this story has to stand on it's own merits to me. This is good because I'll have no preconceptions of what to expect, so here's looking forward to something interesting.
had
lightly
This already has a '20,000 leagues under the sea' feel too it, elevator ride to Jules Verne territory, YAY!
I really like this story so far! I know nothing about Bioshock so hopefully that won't matter. Overall, I think the story was written quite nicely, and I found that there were a few grammatical errors, mostly run on sentences where commas and periods could be. I think you guys really nailed the CMC's and their sister's voices, while I don't think Cheerilee saying "you're busted" and asking a student what they think in a dangerous situation would be something she would do.
Gonna read the next chapters now! Have a like from me!
This is pretty cool! I thought it was interesting that you described the ship as titanic, had an iceberg crash, and a water escape scene. Heck, I think you mentioned less like a crash and more like a crazy vacation which feels like a reference to the Tumblrpon event "Vacation Death Cruise".
Maybe just JanAnimation's part of it? The CMC were on a cramped boat room on their way to a crazy island.
I've only read this first chapter and I'm already loving it.
During the boat crash scene the pov jumps were confusing as all hell otherwise solid overall
Bring on the splicers!
Oh my what glorious fun will be coming Still love the story so far and it's only the first chapter. I'm going to read the rest of this and then wait for more. You got me sucked in and I'm going to keep with it till the end, so good on you for making a already interesting story
Okay you got my thumbs up just finished the first chapter I only have two complaints. I'm not a grammar Nazi by any stretch of the imagination your grammar for this site is flawless. that being said complaint number one the beginning was very rushed the sister send-off felt like an afterthought. Complaint number two you made Cheerilee a neglectful idiot. Not reassuring Scootaloo's fears about drowning in a frozen sea and asking Scootaloo's opinion if it's a good idea to trust the Sailor to save them. I'm not sure how much involvement you had in the crafting of this story since it is a collaboration. I respectfully retain the rights to remove my like at such a point that I find this tale unacceptable to me. Beyond that goodworld crafting and use of the English vernacular.
Edit complaint number three I feel dumb as a box of rocks for not even catching this the first time how can Sweetie Belle and Applebloom not know if Scootaloo can swim when they were swimming in their first cutie Mark Crusaders episode.
Great first chapter, I'm looking forward to reading the rest :)
Great first chapter, I'm looking forward to reading the rest :)
Nothing against your story, just being overly nitpicky.
Missing a full stop.
Nice A113 reference.
Could probably use a comma.
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.
Maybe put italics or quotes.
Lightly.
Full stop.
Overall, nice setup. I don't know jack about Bioshock, so I can't really say anything on that front, but it looks like it's shaping up to be quite a good story!
Not Bad for a first chapter, the story looks interesting. My Little Pony meets Bioshock. I do like the Bioshock games. (However I do like the first game a lot more the the other two.) So this story is turning out to be good.
Amazing truly amazing I know little about bio shock but this this is the perfect crossover most crossovers are just bad but this one! This one takes the cake I love it I love the cmc they're so cute and you made them just perfect
this is a good start i it
7476431
Ponified version of French.
I honestly think think this is one of the best Fan fiction's I ever read! The story is spectacular and the characterization is perfect! I love this so much! Cant wait to read more from you!
I know english is a weird language, but I think this should be cue
The story seems like it's going to be great. Here are the few errors I could find:
Take away the "to" and it makes for better reading and makes sense in how the sentence would be pronounced
Replace the semicolon with a comma
You put "Sweetie Belle" instead of "Scootaloo"
put an "a" before teacher and a "to" before help
You have a comma where you would have a full stop
*lightly