When The Cutie Mark Crusaders go missing, it's up to Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash to find them, even if it means descending to the very depths of the ocean, and their minds, to do it.
7104925 I still feel really bad about taking that hiatus. I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything I had going on. I'll be honest writing this story was getting a bit monotonous, but with all of the fun experimenting with narration I did this chapter, I feel reinvigorated.
Eh, it's okay... I guess... I always thought the little sisters were delusional though, not remotely controlled. I thought Scootaloo would be exclaiming that stuff because she was convinced it was true. Long amounts of conditioning and mind warping drugs made them think stabbing corpses and sucking out the ADAM was a good thing to do. Even the saved ones kept... trying to do that, sort of thing.
But, that whole magically sucking the unremovable slug out of them thing never really made much sense, anyway. Or the fact that they're the only things that can produce ADAM, yet they have to go looting it out of corpses for some reason.
Anyway, this better not be based on the sequel to Bioshock, or I'm gonna have to hurl.
Don't be sad Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash respawns, so you can start collecting her corpses!
7105941 Tbh I haven't even played all of Bioshock 2
And the idea with Scootaloo is that whatever was done to her to turn her into a little sister hasn't fully taken effect yet, so she still has a bit of her sanity left.
I have played the game just not the whole kitten caboodle. It's fun; it just doesn't have the deep Intellectual storyline that the first game had. Bioshock infinite is so good though. I honestly can't decide if it or the original is better
7114629 I see. I understand your complaints, and most are very valid. You also must understand that saying a character is out of character is completely up for interpretation given that everyone takes a different outlook on a character. There are different writers on the show that take different interpretations of the characters too; that is why OOC is so debated. For Rainbow Dash I do understand what you mean completely. I was far too harsh on her. But you will see her get better in tearmsof caring for Scootaloo and being honest. I kind of want her to grow into it. Also the line about being a hero just didn't come off right to you. I meant for her to sound sincere about it, almost nostalgic not egotistical. And for Rarity... She quickly falls back into being very upset, don't worry.
And for the grammar, I know. I need to get a good editor for this. I've gone through a few, but they have all been disappointing.
7119620 Wowie! Thank you! That's nice of you to say! I'll try to get to writing soon... I've got exams, so those are my first priority. But when I get those through then I'll get it done as fast as I can.
7231961 Not to mention that Twilight Is The Best asked me to read this and give feedback. I almost resorted to saying that there was just a few word errors but this was a big 'Wot?'
While I have never actually played the Boishock games I have always wanted to (I have 2 for the pc but the whole GFWL thing meant I couldn't activate it). This story only reafirms that for me. I have really enjoyed it so far and I particularly look forward to how much the three of them change while in rapture.
7311127 For sense of verity most writers try to avoid adressing characters in the same way. Often instead of saying "Rainbow Dash" people will use "blue pagasus" or something along those lines. But I understand where you're coming from, and I'll try not to get to confusing.
I'm not too familiar with Bioshock, but I think you did a good job of maintaining the personalities of Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash while introducing them into an entirely new world. I'm curious too about what's happened to the CMC and how they've adapted/responded to their new surroundings.
7398036 I admit, the story does kinda follow the same line, but we're also trying to deviate from the Bioshock story for it won't be a rip-off. I promise you, there will be surprises that you might like.
7398036 I think the reason you feel that way, and I don't is because I know where it is going. it's getting less and less like the game. the next chapter is not that much like the game plot
7400253 Just understand, really, that one has to ensure that, while the game is not to be fully copied, it is to be acknowledged at least. Everything that happened happened, be it only from one game or the others; be it future events or otherwise; one must respect the universe they crossover with. Do so and the story will end up just fine I'd say.
7400253 as long as you make the finished story your own. The reason the felt that way was because i have played bioshock multiple times and of course you dont you are writing the story.
Overall a cool concept and a promising start. It’s a long time since I played the Bioshock games but I think you captured the world really well. You cut a nice line between giving enough detail yet not getting bogged down in it, so it works whether the reader is familiar with the universe or not. At the same time you make it feel organic, nicely splicing together the two worlds, unlike a fair few other crossovers where the combination is forced. I also agree with other people’s comments that the character voices are spot on for the various protagonists.
You and commenters mention the issue of grammar so I’m not going to rake it up (additionally because my own sucks so I have no room to pass comment), suffice to say that the mistakes there are don’t detract from reading it at all.
On a more personal taste level I like the way you make stuff wholly alien to the characters, which is part of what makes the two disparate worlds fit together well (e.g. in ‘The Radio’ when AJ has to work out she’s standing in blood). However this doesn’t remain a constant, which occasionally feels like it breaks the piece’s continuity, almost like it leaps ahead a bit too far before drawing back. Here I think having protagonists recover a bit more slowly from shocks, potentially loosing and recovering their character voice, would be good.
Finally (ending this unintentionally long comment), as far as the issue of this just being a ponification is concerned: I generally disagree. On the one hand there’s only really one way to get into Rapture, so it’s not surprising this starts the way it does. What makes it different and interesting however (particularly for fans of the games) is that you effectively provide a view of events through the eyes of these characters (e.g. Rarity as witness to the first splicer they meet). On the other hand meanwhile, from ‘The Voice’ to ‘The Beast’ it’s clear that the piece is spreading its wings to fully become its own story.
I really enjoyed it so far and I look forward to seeing where this goes in the future
Great story! The grammatical errors were a little annoying but really...who cares. Anyway, the character interaction was good for me. I really like the way the characters talked and acted. I have to say though, it was a little confusing since I know nothing about Bioshock, but hey, maybe I shouldn't have read it then haha. I'll definitely keep reading this!
This makes me want to go back and play the game again. also like the ending of this chapter.
Will the elements find there sisters? Will the little sister Scootaloo's big daddy save rainbow before her face gets raped with a scalpel? Will Rarity Lose her mind and become a splicer?
7443974 That is just an opinion but the reason it is unnecessary is because most people reading an obscure fanfiction about my little pony know what the source material looks like 99.9% of the time. It's fine to do this for OCs to remind the reader what the OC looks like, but otherwise it's a detail you don't need. That might be bad depending on your pacing. In general, less is more. This fact is explained in greater detail in the FIMfiction official writing guide. Please don't refute constructive criticism with "no it's not!'. The reason it's bad is because writers do it all the time. You want to be disctinct.
7444828 I've read the official writing guide several times, and I know all about LUS. In that guide they are very against ever doing it, but most people think that it's fine as long as it's very infrequent. I take that into account and try my best to not over do it. It's my style, and we can disagree on that; that's okay. I would like to point out that though I disagree with his opinion, I didn't dislike the comment. I thought it was fine constructive criticism, and I thank him for it. I like other's opinions and perspectives. I'll even admit that it was a little bit lazy on my part to leave that particular instance in the story. I love that there are people who want to help me out, and I welcome your opinions even when I don't like them. It's how I grow as a writer! I hope I didn't offend you in any way, because I love that you even read part of my story.
Well, after all this time, it feels nice to see this story back and I do like the tone and POV changes, keep it up.
7104925
I still feel really bad about taking that hiatus. I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything I had going on. I'll be honest writing this story was getting a bit monotonous, but with all of the fun experimenting with narration I did this chapter, I feel reinvigorated.
Eh, it's okay... I guess... I always thought the little sisters were delusional though, not remotely controlled. I thought Scootaloo would be exclaiming that stuff because she was convinced it was true. Long amounts of conditioning and mind warping drugs made them think stabbing corpses and sucking out the ADAM was a good thing to do. Even the saved ones kept... trying to do that, sort of thing.
But, that whole magically sucking the unremovable slug out of them thing never really made much sense, anyway. Or the fact that they're the only things that can produce ADAM, yet they have to go looting it out of corpses for some reason.
Anyway, this better not be based on the sequel to Bioshock, or I'm gonna have to hurl.
Don't be sad Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash respawns, so you can start collecting her corpses!
7105411
Don't worry, and do try to experiment to find your prefered method of writing, when you find your favorite writing method, your story will improve.
Good luck and have a nice day.
7110675
I hope you enjoy it! If not, be sure to tell me why, I'm open to criticism.
7105941
Tbh I haven't even played all of Bioshock 2
And the idea with Scootaloo is that whatever was done to her to turn her into a little sister hasn't fully taken effect yet, so she still has a bit of her sanity left.
7112785 This is what a Little Sister see's.
7113060
Pretty much how I imagined.
I have played the game just not the whole kitten caboodle. It's fun; it just doesn't have the deep Intellectual storyline that the first game had. Bioshock infinite is so good though. I honestly can't decide if it or the original is better
7113209 Well you should go all the way with it. Its necessary for the sequel.
7114629
I see.
I understand your complaints, and most are very valid. You also must understand that saying a character is out of character is completely up for interpretation given that everyone takes a different outlook on a character. There are different writers on the show that take different interpretations of the characters too; that is why OOC is so debated. For Rainbow Dash I do understand what you mean completely. I was far too harsh on her. But you will see her get better in tearmsof caring for Scootaloo and being honest. I kind of want her to grow into it. Also the line about being a hero just didn't come off right to you. I meant for her to sound sincere about it, almost nostalgic not egotistical. And for Rarity... She quickly falls back into being very upset, don't worry.
And for the grammar, I know. I need to get a good editor for this. I've gone through a few, but they have all been disappointing.
Thank you for the feedback
This. Is. AWESOME!!!! I'm SO excited for the next chapter!!!!
7119620
Wowie! Thank you! That's nice of you to say!
I'll try to get to writing soon... I've got exams, so those are my first priority. But when I get those through then I'll get it done as fast as I can.
7119798 Sweet!!! Could you add in my favourite splicer, Toasty?
7119842
Sure, I'll try; I'm okay with it. As long as Twilight has no problems, then I'll find a place to put Toasty in!
7120756 AWESOME!!!
7127722
You didn't miss anything Rainbow Dash died keep reading. It will be explained.
Please keep it up on this. I've yet to play or watch Bioshock, however that doesn't matter as the story is great!
Other than some writing errors here and there, this is a very good story. Keep going.
7228965
One of the main mechanics of Bioshock is coming back to life. It was kind of important I introduced it
7229111 My point was that the last line made it seem like she was fine. I quickly realized that she really died but you still caused confusion.
7231600 Thank you for making it clearer. Sometimes as the writer I assume things, and I don't always hit the mark like I want it to. It happens
7231961 Not to mention that Twilight Is The Best asked me to read this and give feedback. I almost resorted to saying that there was just a few word errors but this was a big 'Wot?'
7238347 I thought I fixed that!
Ohhhhh.... k
I was sent here by twilight is the best and I have to say I like the story nice work you get a free like and follow
7277947
Thank you! I appreciate it!
This is a great story so far. Gory as hell but great!
While I have never actually played the Boishock games I have always wanted to (I have 2 for the pc but the whole GFWL thing meant I couldn't activate it). This story only reafirms that for me. I have really enjoyed it so far and I particularly look forward to how much the three of them change while in rapture.
7305057
No, you make a good point. Thank you for your feedback.
7304198
That would be much appreciated!
7311127
For sense of verity most writers try to avoid adressing characters in the same way. Often instead of saying "Rainbow Dash" people will use "blue pagasus" or something along those lines. But I understand where you're coming from, and I'll try not to get to confusing.
7313674 You could just use AJ after mentioning her full name once prior in a conversation too.
i have played bioshock and this has the almost exact same story line, but with ponies and minor changes.
I'm not too familiar with Bioshock, but I think you did a good job of maintaining the personalities of Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash while introducing them into an entirely new world. I'm curious too about what's happened to the CMC and how they've adapted/responded to their new surroundings.
7397527
I would disagree
7396215
Thank you very much!
7398026 dont get me wrong the story is good, but to me, the story line is to similar to the game.
7398036 I admit, the story does kinda follow the same line, but we're also trying to deviate from the Bioshock story for it won't be a rip-off. I promise you, there will be surprises that you might like.
7398036
I think the reason you feel that way, and I don't is because I know where it is going. it's getting less and less like the game. the next chapter is not that much like the game plot
7400253
Just understand, really, that one has to ensure that, while the game is not to be fully copied, it is to be acknowledged at least. Everything that happened happened, be it only from one game or the others; be it future events or otherwise; one must respect the universe they crossover with. Do so and the story will end up just fine I'd say.
:D
7400253 as long as you make the finished story your own. The reason the felt that way was because i have played bioshock multiple times and of course you dont you are writing the story.
Overall a cool concept and a promising start. It’s a long time since I played the Bioshock games but I think you captured the world really well. You cut a nice line between giving enough detail yet not getting bogged down in it, so it works whether the reader is familiar with the universe or not. At the same time you make it feel organic, nicely splicing together the two worlds, unlike a fair few other crossovers where the combination is forced. I also agree with other people’s comments that the character voices are spot on for the various protagonists.
You and commenters mention the issue of grammar so I’m not going to rake it up (additionally because my own sucks so I have no room to pass comment), suffice to say that the mistakes there are don’t detract from reading it at all.
On a more personal taste level I like the way you make stuff wholly alien to the characters, which is part of what makes the two disparate worlds fit together well (e.g. in ‘The Radio’ when AJ has to work out she’s standing in blood). However this doesn’t remain a constant, which occasionally feels like it breaks the piece’s continuity, almost like it leaps ahead a bit too far before drawing back. Here I think having protagonists recover a bit more slowly from shocks, potentially loosing and recovering their character voice, would be good.
Finally (ending this unintentionally long comment), as far as the issue of this just being a ponification is concerned: I generally disagree. On the one hand there’s only really one way to get into Rapture, so it’s not surprising this starts the way it does. What makes it different and interesting however (particularly for fans of the games) is that you effectively provide a view of events through the eyes of these characters (e.g. Rarity as witness to the first splicer they meet). On the other hand meanwhile, from ‘The Voice’ to ‘The Beast’ it’s clear that the piece is spreading its wings to fully become its own story.
I really enjoyed it so far and I look forward to seeing where this goes in the future
Great story! The grammatical errors were a little annoying but really...who cares. Anyway, the character interaction was good for me. I really like the way the characters talked and acted. I have to say though, it was a little confusing since I know nothing about Bioshock, but hey, maybe I shouldn't have read it then haha. I'll definitely keep reading this!
This makes me want to go back and play the game again. also like the ending of this chapter.
Will the elements find there sisters?
Will the little sister Scootaloo's big daddy save rainbow before her face gets raped with a scalpel?
Will Rarity Lose her mind and become a splicer?
Tune in next time!!
7311127 Don't know why this has a dislike, it's true.
7443000 It's not actually. Writers do that all the time.
7443974 That is just an opinion but the reason it is unnecessary is because most people reading an obscure fanfiction about my little pony know what the source material looks like 99.9% of the time. It's fine to do this for OCs to remind the reader what the OC looks like, but otherwise it's a detail you don't need. That might be bad depending on your pacing. In general, less is more. This fact is explained in greater detail in the FIMfiction official writing guide.
Please don't refute constructive criticism with "no it's not!'. The reason it's bad is because writers do it all the time. You want to be disctinct.
7444828
I've read the official writing guide several times, and I know all about LUS. In that guide they are very against ever doing it, but most people think that it's fine as long as it's very infrequent. I take that into account and try my best to not over do it. It's my style, and we can disagree on that; that's okay. I would like to point out that though I disagree with his opinion, I didn't dislike the comment. I thought it was fine constructive criticism, and I thank him for it. I like other's opinions and perspectives. I'll even admit that it was a little bit lazy on my part to leave that particular instance in the story. I love that there are people who want to help me out, and I welcome your opinions even when I don't like them. It's how I grow as a writer! I hope I didn't offend you in any way, because I love that you even read part of my story.
Semaj