I'm the son of a rogue and a social worker with a college degree and artistic license. The only people I don't get along with are autocratic dictators who think they're God, or know the will of God.
Ranma falls into spring of drowned filly, Ryoga into spring of drowned bunny, and Moose gets Pinkie Pied, with help from the nanban mirror the three travel back in time to prevent what once went wrong...and find themselves locked up in Equestria.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This truly is a bizarre premise, and weird on several levels. I'm all for it, having once enjoyed Ranma 1/2 in the past, but there is an issue where it isn't clear from the first chapter what this story wants to do. The prologue seems to go back and forth between first and third person, and involve Akane Tendou. But what occurred afterwards seems to suggest that the story is set (the trip to Equestria) before he even meets Akane in the first place. Or at least, the introduction to Ranma and Gemna is set before then.
Ranma looks like an older Apple Bloom while in Equestria, an actual mare instead of a filly? And is keeping Pinkie Pie and Moose, who also appears as Pinkie Pie, in the local jail while she searches for her mirror spirit counterpart, all before the Summer Sun Celebration?
I have to admit I'm rather interested to see where this goes, but it's a bit hard to follow before the Equestria part.
With regards to the first person perspective in the opening, my idea was that Pinkie pie was Schizophrenic, and my only media examples of schizophrenia comes mostly from Naruto fanfiction, televsion, and Deadpool. Which is probably closer to dissociative identity disorder. I understand there are about five to seven different varieties of schizophrenia and that it could be mixed or masked with other disorders, but my primary interest in psychology is learning conflict management, crisis intervention, and public relationship strategies more than the assessment of failed coping mechanisms. That is to say, Although I have read "The Odd Brain" in addition to several books on Transactional Analysis, I'm more interested in psychology for game design, identifying or heading off problems before they become crisis fires, and play therapy than counseling or triage.
The story is set in three timelines here. The nanban mirror makes for a more flexible timeline, but the chronotope will mostly be set in two timelines throughout. The start of the Ranma altered universe and the start of the 'Friendship is Magic altered universe are introduced in the first chapter. Mu'tsu getting cursed was used as a prologue because I didn't know how long it would take to get there and I wanted to present everyone's curses as quickly as possible. Describing Ranma's curses would take a little more time, since he seems to attract curses and other character disadvantages like a magnet, but as the main character I figured most of the story would centered around him. Ironically enough, I was taught first person perspective was a show of narrative failure, but there are a lot of noir melodramas told in this way and if Mu'tsu is the main villain of the story, or a pale shadow of Ranma. And, with Sparklebum as Ranma's familiar, then I see no reason the two antagonists shouldn't see things with a more direct if not distorted perspective. By presenting the story within the context of a game, the strategist first needs a tank and a familiar to build a proper party balance. Ryoga is more often than not the 'barbarian' tank and the familiar is almost always an assassin. Even within MLP:FIM it could be argued Rainbow Dash is a Tank, and Spike is Twilight Sparkle's familiar. Plus, there are several stories within tv series and manga where Ranma's girl-type and his physical shadow posses, trick, or get the better of him.
With regards to Ranma's age while in Equestria, Ranma's English teacher Miss Hinako was another student of his father's grandmaster Happosai. Both Happosai and Hinako Ninomiya are life's bane or energy vampires. Unless they feed off of mana, chi, killer intent, battle aura, chakra, or whatever you consider the yang life energy of another living creature Happosai would petrify into stone and Hinako would revert back to a childlike state. Ranma has high levels of Ying energy as such his reflection is Yang. I figured Ranma learning a grandmaster technique from his school of martial arts, more effective and less lethal than the shooting star cloth technique or trapping Sparklebum in a pocket mirror like a Pokemon, would be a more reasonable solution than eliminating the curse entirely.
Yes, Bon bon, Pinkie Pie, and Mu'Tsu are all in the local jail. However, Ranma is temporarily fused with the mirror spirit while she does something at the local schoolhouse, before the Summer Sun Celebration. Twilight hasn't arrived yet, and I doubt Ranma will be replacing Pinkie Pie as the element of laughter. I'm surprised you weren't confused by the Sentaro Daimonji engagement. Given the choice between marrying a macaque monkey or a horse against my will, I'd probably run away from home and never look back. Then again, to be fair, I remembered reading a japanese fable about a girl who fell in love with and married a horse that ended with them living among the stars. So, I figured it would at least be plausible, and Mu'tsu constantly mistaking statues for women was ridiculous. The point of the teahouse storyline was about Sentaro having the right to choose who he married, and choosing Ranma as his champion and bride was an act of desperation.
Make sentences shorter. They aren't interesting enough to keep a reader reading untill the full stop.
6392390
I'll try, but I can't guarantee anything. Keep in mind I've read paragraphs in textbooks with only three sentences that blanketed a page and then some. Were I talented enough, that would be the sort of thing I would shoot for as opposed to a greater number of short sentences. But, if it seems reasonable, I will do my best to keep them between twenty to thirty words each. ;)
6394013 Even many professionals try to keep them shorter. 2 subject-verb pairs for compound sentences, no more. You are neither Leo Tolstoy, nor Honore De Balzac :)
6394223
To be honest, I haven't really studied novel writing, or grammar and sentence structure. My interests lay in social interaction, games, and behavioral and crisis management. As such, I'm going to have to look up what you pointed out.
Most of the writing classes I've taken, or rather took, in college were on narrative screenplays, traditional fantasy, new wave, and tech noir. I did take journalism and oral history classes as well, mostly for the questioning strategies, unfortunately I didn't learn any shortcuts or tricks until after I graduated. I also have to relearn formatting, fortunately I have plenty of notes on organization.
If you are interested, I kind of wanted to organize/introduce it as a game to start with before setting genre, which is most likely horror or tragedy. Comedy or humor is just one of those things I feel is essential for every story, but I don't feel it's sole purpose should be to entertain or educate, so much as motivate change or stimulate growth.
This story just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I can't stop reading...
Poor Sunny Muffins.
6428120
I would have responded sooner, except I'm not sure if I should respond to every comment or wait a bit and ride it out before saying hello. I realize I don't have many readers, and it wouldn't hurt to respond to each one of them individually for the moment. Know that your comments are greatly appreciated, and I look forward to your continued input and advise. Thank you.
Do you have any problems, concerns, conflicts, issues, or interests related to the story that I could resolve?
6432748
The paragraphs are very long, huge blocks of text are hard to digest. I'm not sure what to make of it because while the formatting and style could use work, the content itself is solid, and no mispellings I could see.
Though by 'solid' I am skipping over the fact that it's completely mad. I don't know what to make of the story because the presentation is weird, and context is weird in a completely different way (poor Sunny Muffins), and the general direction of the story makes it difficult to predict what will happen, at all. Not that it isn't already difficult to follow a story that hasn't decided which timeframe it is running in. The part with Akane is no mere flashback, it's way, way too detailed for that.
It's just difficult in general to tell what is going on, and when I can tell what is going on, it's half madness anyway.
Not that the story is a bad story, it just means I don't know what to make of it, but I just cannot stop reading it.
6432777
I do apologize, at least in part for the madness. Anime, for me in general is just one of one of those things that seems almost impossible to explain unless you see it. Obviously, someone was able to explain it, and I could probably dedicate a whole chapter explaining every one of Ranma's curses, which I was holding off on until Ranma and his father arrive at the Tendos. Most likely the next update. The Mousse kidnapping Akane story is roughly thirty episodes into the TV series, and the demonic possession of Kasumi was sometime later. And, I was really trying to compress the events in Ranma universe until they the 'nerima wrecking crew' try to fix everything using haposai's Nanban mirror.
Fortunately, the episodes of Ranma 1/2 are currently available for free on hulu. And, DjClyde made character profiles for the main cast and a few irregulars. Sadly, there is no explaination forthe nanban mirror unless I direct you to the episode on hulu...
Obviously, the following links wouldn't fix the story. And, there really is no way to spoil the events to come since Ranma is about as wacky as pee wee's playhouse, and even if I described what happened it would be very difficult for me to copy from the source material. Which is a good thing because it keeps the summary somewhat honest.
Mushrooms of time...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdWE2hAa47E
Techniques...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-fXyj-ogkE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzbz0dt3GxE
Mirror, Evil, Shadow Clone Ranma...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6W4h0x-3Ik
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WidZxeWRTYQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpqW-NEXts0
And, there are more alternate Ranma personalities than those three.
Brocade Butterfly...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwcIEhuZdXo
Gosunkugi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ3BCnwM83o
Mousse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nucyCE6oOI
Ryoga/P-Chan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W014ekSbQU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irVnl8pfwDU
Nanban mirror...Episode 55
http://www.hulu.com/watch/611194#i0,p52,d0
6433977
For the record, I am familiar with Ranma 1/2, it was my first genuine anime I watched. I'm not nearly as knowledgeable about it as you are, but I know pretty much all the characters.
The major issue is that the story is doing Two Lines No Waiting structure, twice over, separated temporally. That is, 'the future' and 'the past' are the two narrative threads being followed, and in each one it is swapping back and forth between perspectives as well. Add in a lot of only tangentially relevant information, it's hard to pick apart what is important versus what is just background information that probably won't come up again.
Now, I'm not saying such an idea can't work, I think it's rather interesting as is, but it does make things a bit confusing. Added on top of other issues the story has, it can make the entire product as a whole difficult to follow. Not that I can predict what will happen even if I could follow it, it's that kind of story after all.
I'm still enjoying it, it's just... completely unpredictable, and each chapter is almost separated from the previous one in terms of how connected the threads are. Like, so far, each chapter could have been the prologue, and it wouldn't have changed much. That's how confusing it all is.
If the threads were connected in a more coherent way, then I think this might be a good story. But as it is, it'd be like watching Ranma episodes out of order, and only select scenes of it at that.
6434045
Thanks for the message. I appreciate the link. And, I'll try and braid the threads together as best I can next update. But, I am a bit behind on my reading. It's nothing assigned mind you. However, I like to keep my goals time oriented, it makes me feel like I'm kind of on track. I'm currently studying double bind communication strategies which I thought would be beneficial.