Applebloom ½: Mirrors Multiplied
Chapter 4
O. K. For Real This Time/ Derpy is a Part Timer!
At roughly the same moment Akane was bewitched by an odd magical fairy of the pony variety, in an alleyway behind Remedy's and Wac Donald's, just up the street and around the corner a young girl named Temari Kaminarimon was geeking out because she finally got a pony for her birthday. And, they was good eating too. Especially with trumpet mushrooms and pineapple sauce. Not that she would ever eat her precious Koneko-niku, because Temari was a true street angel, even if she was mostly homeless and her only friends were Ultra-man, Billy the Puppet, and Guy Fawkes. Apparently, Genma's policy to accept every martial arts challenge and his chauvinistic inability to think little girls capable of murder horrendously backfired. Who knew? Although, (in hindsight) if Ranma wasn't enthralled in the neko ken (something that had been occurring more often since he was cursed) she probably wouldn't be purring like a kitten and nuzzling her new owner. Genma considered himself lucky he was still breathing while Temari rosined up her new bo.' While Temari put the finishing touches on her prize by using her blood stained _blue shield with gold filigree_ bandanna as a rudimentary cowboy styled dog collar, Genma wasn't sure if he tried to crawl away or use the crouch of the wild tiger.
With a single blow to the bespectacled martial artist's head, using only a kendama the size of a croquet mallet or gavel (assuming the handle of said gavel was 24 inches long or heavy enough to ensure the Gordian knot of Guerrilla girl justice would not come undone anytime soon), and accompanied by a final crow of victory; Temari claimed her prize. That is to say, after tagging the prostrate Genma on his swollen butt cheeks, the eclipsing moon no doubt heavy with the full weight of his well deserved whipping of the glutinous bootius maximus; Temari strung Genma up with her cats cradle, then donned her black Venetian butterfly mask. And, with a cry of "Cutie mark crusaders feminist avengers, yay!" while holding up her kendama to the sky like it was Thor's hammer calling forth a bolt of lighting that would never come, Temari and her Toku masked henchmen quickly lost interest in the defeated Genma. Having completed their game of 'purge the infidel' the young ladies then wandered off to play 'You're next,' Jigsaw,' and Vendetta' with their favorite dandy, a sniveling scarecrow by the name of Hikaru Gosunkugi. 'cause he looked like he was going to do something wrong, and the cutie mark crusaders were nothing if they weren't pragmatists and good neighbors.
It kinda' goes without saying under their masks Temari's ragtag team of misfits were Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Opal Bloom. Fearful of the glorification of violence in television, these girls oxymoronic hands off helicopter parents, right winged, fostered, luddite, or otherwise, v-chipped those brats like they were Nuzlocked pokemon in social exile. As such, their residual aggression with the blue screen of death and their autocratic parents was easily channeled into good old days martial arts…and gang violence. Sure, they had their own garage band, and Vinyl Scratch was kind enough to upload a few of their singles to the internet, but they weren't nearly as popular as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. It probably didn't help that the girls sense of justice was dictated by an outdated model of fair play, or that they were operating against the odds with both hands tied behind their back. But, the girls could feel secure in the knowledge that while Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were playing video games in their ivory tower, the CMC's were out and about in the real world, making a real difference in the streets around them, for the benefit of all humanity. Because, there would be no more cruelty towards animals, or robbery, or blackmail and assault in the streets under their watch. No Siri, The CMC were the best squad of vigilante, justice wielding, juvenile stunt girl reporters, and whistle-blowers, ever.
The situation leading up to Genma's less than spectacular defeat at the hands of an unmasked cutie mark crusader could have been prevented with a solid judo chop to the back of the girls neck or blow to the girl's stomach. After all, he was more than three times the girl's size and could easily dwarf her the way a teddy bear dwarfs a bendy doll. Unfortunately, his opponent was armed with a hammer, fishing wire, yarn, bladed gyroscopes, explosives, and a bigger set of balls than anything Genma's unarmed combat style could bring to bare. So, provoking the girl by flicking off her mask, after dodging most of her attacks, while looking over a pocket edition of 'Rich Dad Poor Dad' really pissed the child off. Naturally, the hammer of righteous fury extended the girl's reach. So, Genma was wide open after a sharp blow to his pendular sweet breads left him grabbing the hammer with one hand while the other cradled his scrambled huevos rancheros. After that, Genma's defeat was child's play in every sense of the word. And, let's be honest, his opponent was sorely tempted to bust his kneecaps. Fortunately, she was engaged in an act of consensual sparing and they agreed to a knock out or first blood. Genma was planning on slapping her after the mask was knocked off, but them's the breaks.
Still, if you're wondering how Ranma came to be possessed by the neko ken in pursuit of Starlight Sparklebum, we have to go a bit further into the past. At about the same time Temari was discovered in a dumpster by an estranged cross-eyed postal worker, Genma and his son began their martial art's training adventure. Their journey was to be one that taught the humanities beyond the academic disciplines; a grand tour of all the martial arts training grounds, Shinto shrines, rashomon, historical battlegrounds, and noteworthy sites of legendary assassination. How this lead to Ranma becoming a bastard of the star clan is a bit of a stretch for the imagination, but not altogether outside the realm of possibility. Ranma's state of disassociation is not exactly one of demonic possession. Ranma didn't accidentally disturb the spirit of a possessed bakeneko statue or rescue a royal member of the shadow clan from being run over by a car. No, Ranma's father selected the technique because he thought it would be "cute." Unfortunately, for all the blessings Ranma seems to have been given from the star clan, being ailurophobic as a result of Genma's courage building exercise of tossing Ranma into a pit of starving cats while wrapped in sausage, made it virtually impossible to summon a contracted familiar. As such, the neko ken was a complete and total wash unless Ranma was a hare's breath away from death (or Genma did something stupid enough to piss Bastet off).
Plus, there was the whole matter of Ranma being a virgin sacrificed directly to the god of war, in this case Bastet and not Aries. Thus, as a true bastard in the most literal sense of the word, Ranma Saotome is an insufferably adorable monster if not the only one contracted to the star clan outside of Maomorin and his current host…a young fellow who bought a brass teapot as a gift for mother's day that turned out to be a cursed bell. A bell which rewarded sadism with lots, and lots, of pocket money. And, while it goes without saying that this particular young man became a morally unappealing individual who kept the teapot and wound up giving his mother a copy of 50 shades of gray. When his parents died in the throws of passion known only to David Carradine and other masters of the martial arts school of hop-gone-don-juan or shibari-kamasutra, the spirit of Maomorin was released from it's accursed vessel and subject to the whims of the little boy's grandmother. It goes without saying she was upset when the well of good fortune from misery had run dry. But, that is a story for another time. Besides, who wants to hear about Sentaro Daimonji's grandmother, or someone who literally has money flowing out of their butt like Richie Rich on MTV's Cribs.
All you need to know is that Maomorin was a single minded beast of burden. A lonely monster looking for a sadistic life partner. And, when he found Ranma it was Twuu' Love. True Lur've not the "I'm going to get you an then I'm going to eat you" kind of love, but the really kinky kind of love that involves meat puppets and regular spankings with chips, dips, chains, and whips. But, I digress, the point of the story is that two star crossed monsters eventually crossed paths and while one couldn't take a hint the other just couldn't say no. The fugue of anxiety made Ranma loopy to the point where s/he would eventually just black out during their 'wild encounters' regaining conscious awareness only after a hot bath or a dirt nap.
O.o
In yet another time and place... (But, more than likely a few hours before the arrival of some important dignitary from Canterlot to check up on the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville.) We shall now divert our attention to realms beyond the ethereal and stygian where we encounter the greatest villain since Sassaflash (Yes, I actually looked that up.) Behold the first signs of the apocalypse, right on schedule.
"Mwah ha ha ha! You fools! You might have been invincible against anyone else using celestial force, but you- YOU! decided to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight! HA! HA ha ha! Don't you coyote ugly bastards know you can't fight the moonlight!" the evil overlord Satan gloated with demonic glee as she used her hand to hold together what was left of the right side of her face while she staggered around addressing an audience that wasn't close enough to hear much of anything she was saying.
She sneezed as the meat started to magically knit back together, causing her left eye to pop out of its socket for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. It was clear to anyone watching that the ruler of hell wasn't exactly a hundred percent at the moment. And, there was doubtlessly some form of irreparable brain damage as a result of the blow, not that there was much left to work with all things considered. Because, for some reason, the great and powerful Satan felt the need to monologue like a typical cartoon villain. "The tide favors the enemy now, but it will turn against you before long." Hunched over while trying to push her eye back in place, Satan used her free hand to pull the sword out of her scabbard, pointed it towards the sky and shouted "EXCELCIOR!" Just before Alciel grabbed her arms from behind effectively stopping her in her tracks before she did anything she'd regret. You know, like needlessly (if not blindly) charging enemy soldiers head first like a wild beast in a drunken fugue.
"Sire! We don't have time for this, the portal is closing." Alciel was relieved to see that his master was at least recovering from the forced trepanation about as well as to be expected of a functionally immortal demon roughly the size of a Clydesdale with the body of a well endowed woman and the lower half of an ungulate. Of course, being Satan, her fashion sense naturally left a lot to be desired as she was dressed more or less like a gothlolicon with Welf Crozzo armor... because cos-play in hell apparently.
"Oh no you don't! You're not getting away that easily." the angel-half Emilia immediately broke formation as the heavenly soldiers entered the devil's throne room, drew her sword, flared her magic aura and used haste, strength, and flight, to close the distance between the rest of her company and the portal Satan escaped through. The portal that was opened by Alciel with about as much care as a bull in a china shop. Intending to eliminate the greatest threat to all that is holy since sliced bread, single handedly, once and for all, Emilia charged through the void into the unknown like a wild beast in a drunken fugue.
Within a single flash of purple light the world around Hero Emilia Justina vanished in a burst of light. Or, at the very least, blinded her with the righteous fury of justice. Because, not moments later she bumped into a never nude cross dresser, known only as the vorpal bunny among certain circles of hell. He was wearing a yellow bandanna, pink tank-top, and what appeared to be short shorts (or cut off jeans) and sandals. Of course momentum dictated that the two would continue moving in the direction of the creative force with least resistance. As such, neither one was going to encounter what they wanted in the moments that followed. Because, as of this moment, the two feral hero's of the void were virtually lost in whatever time or relative dimension of space they found themselves in.
The first thing Satan was aware of when she regained consciousness was the carousel boutique. She didn't know it was the carousel boutique at the time, but she was now eye to eye with a creature that was obviously a member of the squirrel family. That is, it would be a squirrel if she was remembering the taxonomy lessons she received from her father accurately. It was white, had slitted pupils, and the hair of an oompah loompah, which was decorated with a purple bow. The odd creature had an irritated (if not disinterested) look on its face as it tilted its head to one side. A collar matching the bow in the odd creature's hair was studded with opal gemstones, the largest of which was decorated to look like a flower.
"Are you okay sire?" Satan's focus switched directly from the squirrel to the source of the dialog. While she was a bit disoriented to see a lavender unicorn pony, with a platinum mane, and golden eyes standing over her... dressed in what remained of the rags and armor she had last seen Alciel wearing. Her visual spectrum was now somehow on the borderline between thermal and ultraviolet. More to the point, there was clearly something broken inside. Almost as if what she was seeing was somehow paradoxically a kaleidoscopic in nature and yet perfectly normal at the same time. Oh yes, Something was most definitely broken. With double vision in one eye and apparently half the floor zooming down while spinning around her, the other eye sort of focused off into the distance as it twisted upwards towards the ceiling, it was a wonder she could intentionally look at any thing at all, much less the albino oompa loompa squrriel that had taken to using it's tongue to lick the litter of it's paw.
Oddly enough, because she was evidently laying on her side twisted like a gray pretzel; Something deep inside clearly told her the dark magic hadn't completed it's job repairing the damage to her frontal lobe. Not that she could really tell if lights still hadn't completely turned on upstairs. But, something about this entire situation was clearly wrong, so very-very wrong. And, not because everyone who knows anything about unicorns knows that they are in fact goats with lion tails and not ponies at all. In fact, as she recalled, the entire species more or less went extinct because they could only be touched by virgins.
"Alciel?" Satan asked the lavender unicorn pony laced in armor, shortly before realizing this wasn't a cartoon show. Taking stock of her current surroundings it was clear to Satan that she was in a tangled mess of what can only be termed the creative vomit of visual design. Trapped like a fly in a web of fabric, yarn, thread, latex measuring tape, and paper cutouts she assumed were patterned after a fashion. From what she could gather her lower half was more or less the same albeit a bit narrower and petite. Her wings had become less like a bat's and were now more griffon like and "Jesus Christ! What happened to my hands?"
"Sire, I sincerely doubt he had anything to do with this..." Aciel commented.
"Where are we?" Satan asked as the lavender unicorn pony… that is to say Alciel tried to assist his overlord Satan to her feet. She would have a grander and more impressive title than lord of the flies, something along the lines of queen of the damned, marquis de sade, or emperor penguin, but her public relations firm pointed out that those names wouldn't strike fear in the hearts of baby bunnies, and it was very important that the little bunnies (especially the vizzerdrix) be absolutely terrified of her wicked-wicked ways. Her name and title alone had to represent everything soccer mommies feared their children would grow up to become if they didn't play by the rules, while simultaneously appealing to sadistic self hating narcissists (that were overspecialized in forming political alliances for the sole purpose of manipulating others) into believing a sense of duty [or the intention] to take necessary and reasonable precaution to prevent social, physical, psychological, or spiritual harm had nothing to do with latent ability or personal merit.
"Are you all right?" Alciel asked
"I shall be soon, but first we must find some place to recover Alciel."
"Yes sire. But this place seems an awful mess."
"Alciel. Do you even know where we are? I don't recognize anything." Satan blink blinked and tried to look around the room. The room looked like it was hit by a tornado. There were craft carts, assorted mirrors, decorative windows, pony shaped mannequin dummy's, and through the windows one could make out railroad tracks that go on forever.
"Sweet merciful cupcakes Sire, your eyes!"Alciel was horrified.
"I knew it, there's something wro-Amalthea!" Having somewhat regained her footing Satan was horrified to see her reflection. Now resembling something like a hideously deformed bug-eyed Pegasus monster. Before her visage stood a creature whose visage was so terrifying the bunny rabbits would be overrunning hell within a week. All thoughts of the unholy terror that would be unleashed if the bunnies of hell ran amok, and the glorious defeat of the holy rollers and bible thumpers at hands of flopsy, mopsy, and cottontail, were immediately halted when Satan's attention was diverted by a voice that fizzled in her ears like ginger ale.
"Sweetie Belle! Sound the alarm. Get the new sheriff… Quickly!" Hopefully the urgency in her voice conveyed the capital 'Q' in armory. There they stood thick as fashion thieves "Well, then, it looks like we have some uninvited guests. I'll have you know that you're too late, in a few hours princess Celestia will be here for the summer sun celebration with MY testera, brustpanzer, and barding and there's nothing you can do about it."
"Do not speak to us with such familiarity, Mule! Do you wish to die where you stand?" Alciel postured defiantly or was it indignately...not that there was much of a difference.
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid you'll have to slow down. I don't speak applenese." The mule replied.
"Is she F(bleep)king retarded?" Satan asked tactlessly, what she normally would have thought silently... because she's one hell of a politician.
"We're demons you stupid cow! We could destroy you easily where you stand." Alciel growled.
"Wait Alciel, it's possible our magic isn't working properly at the moment. Speak to her slowly, like a child, until we can figure out more about the layout of the situation." Satan wisely counseled her general.
"Hark! What light though yonder window breaks. It is the east and truly you art the sun." as Alciel said this he smiled while nodding his head stupidly as he lifted one of his fore hooves off the ground dramatically
"I said speak to her as if she was a child, not flatter her with platitudes." Satan rolled one of her eyes in disgust. Had this been a comedy routine she probably would have clopped him over the head. Unfortunately, given their current circumstances, it might be seen as an abuse of power. Plus, she really didn't want to touch a unicorn because they were just icky. The thought of it made her shiver in her newly acquired timbers. It was a wonder her knees weren't knocking together.
"I'm Sorry your majesty. Please remember to punish me later." Alciel was crestfallen yet oddly looking forward to doing something a bit kinky later on. Of course, given their current circumstances and the fact that his liege wasn't particularly fond of unicorns, they probably wouldn't be playing any reindeer games anytime soon. And, No, I don't think he had anything sexual in mind.
"Gasp! Of course, why didn't you tell me you were with the envoy. You must be Twilight Sparkle and Spike." It was then that the stupid cow had a change of attitude as her personality seemed to immediately warm up to her uninvited guests.
"Huh?" the two off-worlder's asked, simultaneously dumbstruck by the mare. Clearly there was some sort of mix-up or complete misunderstanding.
The tsundere creature then approached Satan "Oh my, I've heard so much about you. I'm sorry for any misunderstanding. Of course, I wasn't expecting you arrive so early. I'm Rarity, by the way. I'm in charge of the decorations." And, there most definitely was a misunderstanding between Rarity and Satan the moment the unicorn reached out to touch her. Like most demons in hell Satan had some level of haphephobia. It was a natural response given her suspicious nature and unfounded belief that unicorns probably spread syphilis like chicken pox. Satan jumped back from the mare as quickly as a spider would pounce on its prey.
"How dare you! Do not presume to touch me you filthy creature!" Satan snorted in vexed indignation and pawed at the ground like an angry bull "You should know your place, prepare to die foal! GRAAAAAAH!" Satan then attempted to summon the biggest, brightest, lightning bolt she could forge to smite Rarity right where she stood not moments before. Unfortunately, for Satan anyway, nothing really happened.
"Oh that she knew she were! Yet, She speaks and says nothing. What of that?" Alciel commented as he laughed nervously hoping that Rarity would find the preceding events an odd greeting of some sort.
Moving on from this estranged introduction we find the real Twilight Sparkle just now making the final preparations for her journey to ponyville, because she was lazy.
The summer sun celebration was only a day away, and the real Twilight Sparkle (relatively speaking) was currently reading PURGS Religion in her ivory tower… that is to say her private suite overlooking the city of Canterlot from Celestia's castle. The reigning theory among the many of the guards in gossip was that she or her brother, if not both, were related to Celestia in some way. It was not that her talent with magic was an accident of birth, as they all knew the dragon hatcher was a studious little thing, but it was odd that Celestia practically adopted the two as her wards while she maneuvered their parents (who had practically no extended family) into social, economic, and political positions where they never actually interacted with their children outside the castle walls. Not only was she for all intents and purposes the Reigning monarch's apprentice in arcane magic, but her brother (for similar reasons unknown) was immediately fast tracked, and not just for military service. Rather, he was being personally trained in strategy and purple prose by the court's royal painter Narcissus D. Gray. A pony who would be captain of the guard if the position hadn't already been given to Shining Armor the minute Twilight Sparkle was more or less adopted by Celestia.
The Ponies Universal Royal Gaming System was actually a generic sort of universal role playing system that was developed by Starswirl the Bearded because he was a mad genius and knew learning was essentially a four stage process that consisted of Modeling, Role Playing, Feedback, and Reinforcement. A teacher will model the behavior and skills they expect their student to learn, ask the student to reenact or recreate what they were taught, offer constructive criticism devoid of evaluative language that could potentially harm the student's self image. And then, it was left to the student to either learn how to reinforce those skills and talents themselves or allow it to be reinforced by the village, their employers, friends, and family. Naturally, the latter methods of reinforcement had a more deleterious effect on many of the skills, abilities, and advantages one retained as it was based entirely on something outside yourself. As with most individuals being motivated by self interest, in a culture where the strong take from the weak, or the smart take from the strong, in a logic driven world where prideful people make poor slaves, it was only a matter of time before some brony pony-ed up and took advantage of the willing and ostracized the willful.
Regardless, the Ponies Universal Royal Gaming System Inquest magazine was how Twilight kept up with all conspiracy theories in Equestria. It was where she read all about everything from Treehouse 13, the Trolluminaughty, Dungeons and dragons, to bunnies in burrows. And, as an aspiring fan fiction author, it provided a wealth of novel shortcuts and gimmicks to keep people on the edge of their seats while she set forth to prepare, stage, and deliver a winning performance of penultimate fiction. In theory, PURGS also had books on magic and psyonics with special rules that Twilight had yet to master, but since she decided to read the series backwards alphabetically she was currently reading through PURGS Religion. PURGS Religion was filled with all sorts of kooky information about the creation myths of Equestria; and while the chapter about the mare in the moon had caught the gleam in her eye given the upcoming holiday, she was really curious about the Atavus ponies of King Kyros.
Apparently, an earth pony named MuTsu made a pact with a pegasus pony named Lucifer for a devil fruit known as the pollex prickly pear of potara before the two fused together in order to become a futanari, whatever that was, called Pogo Surprise. Everyone Twilight asked about futanari, which amounted to about four guards and a librarian, mostly just turned beet red and shuffled their feet in awkward silence. One snickered, and said a few things that made little sense to her. Such as a futanari being kind of like a reversed alicorn. Upon further reading it was discovered the futanari then used the brustpanzer kinjakken to take over a rainbow factory near Herdshire which was used as her flying Castle Grayskull. Pogo Surprise was reportedly defeated in mortal combat by an unnamed earth pony (posthumously named Polaris and later North Star because she didn't have an identifiable cutie mark) wielding a chakkram known only as the ring of Gekkaja, and aided only by similarly unnamed familiar known only as little bunny foo foo. The two ponies were permanently preserved in ice, flash frozen during the final throws of battle in a hurricane created by the windigos who fed off of their mutual hatred for one another. Although, some ponies theorized that the hurricane was actually crafted by the hoof of the North Star herself, the shear amount of magic one would need to pull it off would rival if not exceeded even that of two alicorn princesses and a draconequus combined. And, that quite literally eliminated earth ponies as far as natural potential anyway. King Kyros apparently came across the monument of preserved hatred and thought it would look good as the centerpiece to the underground maze in his castle of glass. Sadly, no one ever knew what became of Kyros Kingdom, much less the Atavus ponies after an earthquake buried his kingdom somewhere near Canterlot or Ponyville.