- Member Since 18th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 28th, 2019
Monie Le Brony
I'm a Pegasister who loves reading, writing, pizza, cherry Coke/Pepsi, Harry Potter, and Rainbow Dash! X3
Monie Le Brony
Joined 18th Jul, 2015 ·
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- CP_BEN · 4.3k words · 37 8 · 2.8k views
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I thought I could see who upvoted and accidentally pressed the upvote button.
There's really only 1 vote. 
~Dashie14~
HEYY!!!! ITS ME Bloom424
6271131 Omg.
Hi! 
~Dashie14~
6281758 HOW YA DOIN?!!!!
6282070 Great!
You? 
~Dashie14~
6283469 Imma fine too ;P
6383315 For realzies?!
Thank you! 
Is there a part of the chapter that stood out to you? 
~Dashie14~
6383384 Awesome!
Thank you for commenting! 
~Dashie14~
6407487 I don't usually write content like that...
And thanks! 
~Dashie14~
Ah, we meet again, Monie Le Brony.
Let's see if you've gotten any better at taking criticism since your last fic, shall we?
Avoiding yet another Sparity story, eh? Ten points to Hufflepuff!
You do know that that's the equivalent of setting off a flare for haters, right?
Sigh. Author, there's a reason you got flak for doing this in Meet the Power Ponies. You can't get away with this unless you're writing either a play or a script. You're not writing either of those, you're writing actual prose. You need to frame the scene with actual, descriptive writing. Ditch this, along with all the others you've written in.
Also, this is just a nitpick, but you could really stand to ease up on the italics.
IKEA Erotica at its finest, ladies and germs.
Ditch the red comma, replace the green comma with a full stop. Also, why the heck does Daisy refer to them as "Sparity"? Is she a shipper, too? Replace that with something like, "You and Rarity make such a cute couple!" Much more natural.
Spike having a dragon tattoo? That's... a neat idea, actually. Kudos.
Because transitions are haaaard.
It's funny because reference.
Because humans can... do... that...?
Please, if nothing else, at least keep your tenses consistent. Also, cut it out with the superfluous commas.
Aaaand, cue random perspective change. I've seen this writing style before, though, so I'll let it slide.
Okay, is Spike a human here or a dragon? What's going on?
...I don't know! You haven't established anything about her figure yet!
From cars to magic scrolls to cell phones. Your anachronisms are crashing into each other.
A'ight, on to the next chapter. And... it's a sex scene.
Oh, Lordy.
Remember that comment I made about italics up above? Well, I want to make the same point for bold text and underlined text.
...Really? After all the negative feedback you got for that stupid stylistic choice in your last fic, you're using it again? I shouldn't even have to explain this, but you can't get away with this when writing prose! "She smirked" and "She put on a serious expression"; for Christ's sake, how hard is that?
Right, that's all I have to say for now. Given your reputation when it comes to handling criticism, I'm going to paste this comment somewhere safe and take a screencap, just in case. In the meantime, please try and take some criticism on board this time. Pretty please?
7128163 That's as maybe, but it's not incumbent on the reader to accept every stylistic choice the author uses without complaint. I can call it a poor decision if I want to. Whether or not Monie decides to change her style based on said criticism is entirely up to her.
7128163 Thanks, bro.
I'm about tired of people being rude and expecting me to just sit and look pretty. 
And, of course, because you were actually kind, your comment gets a thumbs down.
This is why I left. 
You can't be yourself on this site. 
~M.L.B.~