- Member Since 25th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 4th, 2017
Woody Willows
I'm a fellow brony who'd like to share his fics with the world. =)
Woody Willows
Joined 25th Aug, 2014 ·
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PLEASE CONTINUE THIS STORY! IT IS 20% COOLER THAN THE ACTUAL HALO BOOK I'VE READ!
6183639 I am a massive HALO fan and hearing this about MY story is amazing to me. I really do mean this and I thank you for the appreciation! (And trust me, it will be continued and possibly, depending on the ratings, a sequel.)
6184006
CMC as Spartans. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for: the Covenant, or the UNSC and it's allies. I'll get a 'CMC cause end of the entire goddamn universe' bunker prepped.
In all seriousness, though, good so far. Definitely going to track.
I enjoyed the prologue (although it was a little fast-paced), but the first mission seemed too rushed. The whole story just needs more explanation and expedition. That said, the formatting could use work too.
I'll keep my finger off the like/dislike bar for now, and track it to see if it gets better.
You should add in some flashbacks.
6243440 I understand where you're coming from on the prologue, but onthe first chapter, I don't get it. It felt like it took an eternity to write, but if it feels rushed, then that's almost good. There isn't much else to explain in the time gap between the prologue and the first chapter because all that really happened was they got augmented and were trained and nothing else significant happened until the first actual mission. If you mean more explanation in the first chapter, any more explanation would lead to overexplanation. It is supposed to be almost rushed because it is a high-action scene. Overall, what you find is wrong in it is the way it's supposed to be. If I didn't hit anything exactly on what you meant, then please tell me, because I'm lost and now ticked off.
6246081 It's not so much the pacing itself as the lack of emotion that seems to come with it. Take this, from the end of the chapter:
The spaceship they are trying to attack is about to blow up, with them in it! A tense situation, right? Oh wait, all they have to do is jump out the window.
My problem is the way you describe actions just makes it sound far too easy. In the previously mentioned example, you had the opportunity to describe the panic of the Spartans as they scrambled to jump out of the Corvette, with mere seconds on the clock. I think what you're trying to do is make all the action run as one long sequence, which makes it hard to convey emotion without dragging on. That in mind, my advice comes in two steps:
1) Take breaks in the action. No, I don't mean go make yourself a milkshake, grab a pack of crisps and lie on the couch for a few minutes, although if you want to do so at any time, please go ahead. I'm not stopping you - I'm a block of text, not a police officer. What I mean, though, is stop the action every now and then. Give your squadron time to think, to recover, to plan their next move. You did this very briefly with the "damn, that's fucking hot" moment, but it was short at best. These moments are useful for describing the current setting of the scene, if you've been vague on that detail beforehand.
2) Use emotion to your advantage. A (not very) wise man once said "Spartans never die; they're just missing in action". Clearly they've never played Halo: Reach, but that's beside the point. We know Spartans are actually capable of death, so Noble Six aside, create bonds between the readers and the characters. You can do this by momentarily breaking the action to focus on Sweetie Belle's frenzied train of thought, for example, as she rushes an Elite. I don't mean stop the action altogether; keep everyone moving, but consider the psychological battle as well as the physical fight. Definitely spend a few sentences focusing on emotion whenever there's a break in the action.
It's not the world's most drastic change, but it does mean a few extra paragraphs. However, I'm convinced the story will be much, much better for it. Besides, if it turns out not to be, you have every right to put a bullet between my eyes.
Or maybe you could get Scootaloo to do it for you.
Yours fearfully,
~ epicn00b
P.S. I'd suggest you get an editor and/or a proof-reader to space out your paragraphs and dialogue. Walls of text are hard to read
6246354 I see what you mean now! Thank you very much for the help! I never thought of it that way. And by the way, you're a pretty funny guy. I like you. Enough to follow you.
6253890 Thanks!
I do try to help wherever I can, even if I suck at it and/or I come off as passive-aggressive. Usually it's the latter, because I am passive-aggressive, but I don't ever attack stories, only giving the reason "I don't like this story". I consider myself a reasonable man.
While I'm here, I applaud your ability to take criticism. A lot of authors on this website would have just told me to fu go away if I'd posted that comment on their story. I kinda feel bad for them.
6254130 I guess it's all how you view it. I see it as someone telling me how to improve. Others see it as 'how dare you tell me something that isn't telling me how great my story is'. That's why I agree with your philosophy of (and I'm paraphrasing), 'improvement doesn't come with showers of praise', 'cause it doesn't. So I will take your negativity to my advantage! Thanks again!
6258275 I don't know whether to be more honoured by the fact that someone's taken my advice to heart, or the fact that someone's actually read my profile.
I am a lonely reviewer.
Sob story out of the way, I'm glad that I now have a good reason (or at least a very convincing excuse) to project my cynicism onto the Internet. Apparently, I'm actually helping people out too. I'm sure you can find plenty of other people who agree with said philosophy, but most of them come off as arrogant egotists, for lack of a fitting curse. I do try my best.
Pleasure doin' business with ya.
10/10, amazing character development.
On a side-note:
I thought they were trying to be quiet...
... ooooh, I see where you're going with this.
6266856 They were trying to be quiet. 'Were' is a word in the past tense...
(P.S. Honored by the mustache.
)
6267412 "Fertilize me!" ~ Scootaloo 2553
Hey, hold on...
... nah, must just be seeing things
loved it :D you don't mind if i add my OC to this do you?
6625979 maybe. Elaborate, please, just so I know what might be happening.