- Member Since 29th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 17th, 2015
kristenfanfics
I'm not very good at writing, but I love FIMFiction, so I decided to try :D
kristenfanfics
Joined 29th Dec, 2013 ·
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- Staying Sic · 1.5k words · 40 15 · 2.2k views
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Try working on description. 1000 words is barely enough for a clopfic.
Why was this placed in the rape group?
6107203 I think Applejack 'raped' him in a sense that he didn't want it really. I'll remove it if that doesn't make sense.
6107201 I know but it is my first clopfic. I'm in no way experienced and I'm still learning. Thanks for the feedback, though.
6107417 Wait, why is that a reason to not do well? It doesn't matter if it's your first, it needs to be improved.
6107457 I didn't say I wasn't going to fix it... I just said it was short because I'm not very good yet... I'm trying. Sorry if it sounded that way.
Oh god…
…alright, lets get this over with…
Well, that went… about the way I expected it to.
6107473 If its that much of a burden to you, why did you read it?
6107507 it wasn't a burden… I found it hilarious!
6107535 Somewhat rude... it wasn't meant to be funny.
Great
The comments in this thread seem awfully mean. I wanted to see what got them turning up their noses like that, so I gave it a read.
This story doesn't deserve the mean comments, but I wish there was more to the characters. It seemed like they were in some kind of sex trance. Like, they had decided to go at each other like bunnies before they even started talking to one another. Their reactions during the event were similar, too. They just seemed to focused on fucking one another and ignored all the normal person stuff like being nervous or cocksure or curious. There were no meaningful observations, no expressions of the intensity of their feelings. It just seemed robotic, you know? Like... "Sex now." "Okay."
I think the story was aware of itself, too. It knew it didn't have any motivation or passion, so there was this throwaway line about why Applejack was so horny. Of course, it's because she hasn't gotten any in a while! The subject drops at that point.
Maybe this lack of character exploration would have been okay if the actual events of the story were something novel and spectacular, but it was just plain 'ol sex--the kind of stuff you might find in a particularly racy biology textbook. There's a little of the ol' in-out, and that's pretty much all she wrote.
Also the writing felt really timid. There were a lot of times when there were descriptions of how this and that was only a 'little bit' or just a small amount or partially sorta kinda maybe almost. I wish those qualifiers were just left out.
Eh... maybe I'm just being mean too. I don't intend to be. There isn't anything wrong with this story; I just didn't like it. Wasn't for me.
6107457
Because when kids fall off bikes on their first time trying to ride them without training wheels, their parents publicly shame them.
Pretty good start for a first clop. There could have been a little more buildup, but all in all, you were pretty descriptive, if a bit unrealistic. Some nervousness about his girth, or a small bit on struggling past the gag reflex would have helped, but still, a very impressive first write. Hope to see more from you soon.
6108381 im sorry… i liked it. Isnt that enough?
6109280 I'm not sure how to take that comment.
6109280 Replace the parents with random people and upload the video of the kid falling off of the bike to Youtube, and you might get a scenario closer to the truth and further from your false equivalency.
6108882 You aren't being mean/rude at all. I asked for feedback, and you have me an honest opinion! I'm grateful that you were cautious of being exceptionally mean, and I appreciate your feedback.
6109522 Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it!
6108505 Thanks!
... And how is he going to give the other three their share of this 'payment'?
But, but what about the rest of the crew? Seems a little unfair
.
6121864 Haha, if you noticed, they didn't want to receive the payment so they sent Wagon Wheel to get it. I guess that wasn't clear...
This contrast made me stop and break immersion. Surely she wasn't relieved by blowing Wagon Wheel, why was this presented like it was some new thought that Applejack hadn't previously considered?
I thought this had a fairly strong start. Maybe you'd made some changes since the other comments were first made, but I thought it was pretty clear the other 3 stallions were fed up with the crazy mare and wanted nothing to do with her - not even her money.
The dialogue was acceptable, but it wasn't very interesting. Their lack of communication made it feel as if they weren't in control of their bodies, like their recent lack of getting off made them mindless sex machines with no concern for each other.
A little disappointed there wasn't more description overall. There was only enough describing Wagon Wheel to pick which one of the lot went to collect his due, then it was about how long his penis was. It wasn't even that he was generic: he just barely existed. No thick barrel chest, no tired-but-strong haunches, no rough hooves... only a flaring tip and a medial ring.
AJ wasn't much better, though her legs did give out so she could drop her cervix on him. (Maybe I'm wrong, but if it's been a while, wouldn't that hurt quite a bit?) She was mostly a wet hole for this.
Honestly, the lack of description makes the story very sterile. I can almost imagine it narrated as a BBC documentary.
Maybe "description" is the wrong word - I mean something with passion and soul. The best clopfics have more than a sex act: they make the scene come alive by engaging the reader. Since we're talking about clop, viscerally would probably be best. Sensations.
AJ spent a good amount of time blowing WW. He's apparently having the time of his life, which we only know because you told us, but she's gagging the whole time. It was a missed opportunity to either go mental (the thrill of maybe running out of air spurring her to work faster) or sensual (the taste of his semen/precum, the smell of his musk from running all morning, the sound of his panting/moaning... you get the idea) to sell the experience as enjoyable. It ultimately read like she was forcing herself through a chore - esp when she looked "in horror" at his erection.
There were some mentions about things that didn't pertain to their sex that was distracting. It was like name dropping for no reason. I know AJ's all about countryisms, but what does she care about the speed of a Wonderbolt's Derby? Why is she thinking about impressing Rainbow Dash?
I know it looks like I'm just railing on your story, but I think you've got potential.
I wouldn't waste my time commenting if I didn't.It's going for the raw, animalistic vibe that comes off a little mindless, but it does drive home that they both enjoyed themselves in the end. The paragraphs run a little long for my liking, felt like word-stuffing, and though they didn't express a lot of ideas, the diction choice is unobjectionable.